sleepie

I was rather under the impression that 5 hours of neuropsychological testing was a pretty big step.

Ok then.

ScottFromWI

What did you learn from the testing? And what steps do you plan on taking based on what you learned from them?

Certainly having tests done is a good thing. But they only help you determine what the problem actually is. Then you have to take whatever steps are necessary to FIX the problems.

Think of it this way - if you think you have a broken arm, you go to the doctor and get an x-ray. The X-ray is just the test - it tells you if you have a broken arm or not. Then if you find out you DO have a broken arm, you probably get a cast put on. And then maybe a sling. And then maybe physical therapy after the sling comes off.

You've had a lot of tests lately and you should be proud of yourself for having them done. But you haven't actually shared with any of us what you learned from any of them or what you are doing to correct any of the problems idendified by the tests.

zjw

I dunno scott I think sleepies come a long way. I see her posts as shes just trying to get some guidence here.

I know you have a tough love approach i get that but. I know it can also drive people away too. I guess its a delicate balance.

I dunno I think sleepies done good and I think shes got a lot of courage coming here and posting and venting and asking for help

I'd love to put more posts up like hers myself even but I dont have the guts she does so I just bite my tongue half the time because I dont want to have to hear the posts liek yours lol. I know sometimes we gotta hear what we dont wanna hear but sometimes we dont wanna hear it too lol.

sleepie

I wrote a few times how I am in the process? That I get so nervous before the tests that I can't sleep, so they are only half done. With weeks of waiting in between. So... I really only asked if anyone else had felt like I do, at this point? I'm not going to lie, to be told SR is holding me back, when I got this far in sobriety, hurts. And I know I have offered kind words and support to others here.

zjw

Yeah sleepies made a lot of steps read her old posts. she did a support group for her benzos she did therapy shes been dreading and you can tell by her posts shes come a long way.

I think everyone has to realize this isnt an overnight fix. this stuff takes time. it takes time to figure out whats gonna work for you etc..

I know some people 2 3 months in are doing suprisingly well and thats awesome. But it doesnt pan out that way for everyone.

I myself was a friggen total wreck for at least the first year. and sure I didnt even post here or go to an aa meeting till i was 1 year sober. Maybe it would have been a lot easier had i gone to AA sooner or soething. But in my case i didnt but it is what it is. and I was still someone who signed up looking for some help and support.

Its all it is. Sleepies just looking for some support / opinions from others etc just like anyone else.

ScottFromWI

No one has told you it's not good for you to be here - that's untrue. I told that you that coming here so often instead of working on a solution MIGHT be holding you back. Those are 2 completely different things. Please don't twist the words of others.

Many people do feel like you do, me included - I stated that clearly in my response. We understand you have fear with testing - but that doesn't change the fact that you've been given literally hundreds, probably thousands of suggestions for things that you could or can do to help over the years.

You've also been given massive amounts of of support for what you HAVE done. You HAVE come a long way and hundreds of people have told you so. Please don't disparage the collective here by insinuating that it's not the case - it's disrespectful.

Playing the victim card will not help you get better sleepie. As difficult as it seems to you, you will need to take action to get better. Keep going to your tests but make sure you find out the most important thing.. what steps YOU have to take to make things better.

I have a written plan that I work on with my therapist. When I see her, she is just giving me suggestions for what I need to do. You don't walk into a therapists office and walk out better. You walk out with a list of tasks that you need to do EVERY DAY to help you get better. I really don't like doing a lot of them and if I don't I feel like crap sometimes. When I do them, I notice that I slowly start feeling better over time. I know you don't like "black and white" thinking, but unfortunately the reality is that the world works that way. Do the work and see results or don't do the work and stay the same ( or get worse ). That's how it works.

sleepie

I checked my words. Please re read. I haven't disparaged anyone either.

People here know I wouldn't say anything disparaging about them.

I only wanted to know if anyone else felt this way

SolidKarma

I think it's important to practice empathy and understanding in these situations. Let's get back to the important topic, sleepies sobriety and a healthy life. There is the 'carrot or the stick approach' and I think in this case the stick is not effective.

Sleepie, cultivate the positive and abort the negative. Keep moving forward...

Bethany57

sleepie.... Can you do volunteer work? Can you exercise? I can assure you 100% that if you do both of those things you will feel better about yourself. Exercise will help with the anxiety. Volunteer work will help you feel better about yourself. Will you try these suggestions? Please at least try and let me know how it works. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I think you may have too much time on your hands and if you were busy you won't even have time to think about things like that.

entropy1964

I'm just going to speak for myself, throw this out there. I have found, both online and F2F, that words that often get under my skin the most are the words I most likely need to hear. I also don't have to attach to anything anyone says, here or otherwise. My perceptions of how people are 'treating' me are often wrong and filtered through my own insecurities, anger and resentment. That being said, sometimes I simply get pissed off...and that's ok too. As long as I work through it and find myself back in the solution, instead of the problem. Frankly this is part of what is at the crux of my alcoholic thinking.

I also know, in my experience, many, many addicts (including myself) are dual diagnosis. Many, many have been through harrowing childhoods, adult traumas....seemingly insurmountable obstacles. I am not the only one. That is what binds us here. I am no different, no better, no worse, no sicker, no healthier. And my obstacles are no greater than anyone else's here. But sober we are all trying to be. And no matter what, no matter what I face today, tomorrow or what the past is, that is my goal.

tomsteve

"I just cannot move on, "

i think an important question you should answer,sleepie, is
do you want to move on?

zjw

ONe thing that helps me with that fear and worry is zen / buddahism type stuff i read.

But I also realize I have a very short term memory. I could have all the coping skills I need to get througha situation today and do fine finish with flying colors and handle it well.

But then tommorrow I might face another situation forget everything I know fall apart wish i had a drink and post here looking for help Only to go UGG BLASTED I"M SO STUPID I NEW THAT!! AAAA.

So for me its like a constant day in and day out routine i follow reading meditating eating good foods and so on. Then I wake up the next day and do the same dang thing all over again. It keeps me in check helps my anxiety and worry keeps me happy and healthy. Is it boreing and mundane at times Oh yes it is absolutly. I do sometimes want more spontanious things in my life But I know that can come with a price so I have to tread carefuly and try not to bite off more then I can chew.

Centered3

I agree with ScottfromWi's posts.

I used to hate tough-love but now that I'm on the other side, I completely understand it's effectiveness and purpose. Someone once said to me, "tough love is still love." I never got better in all the years that well-meaning people enabled me, which further fed my victim mentality.

I never got well living in the past.

I only started to get better when my AA sponsor taught me that I'm a survivor and not a victim. She also taught me that victims don't get sober.

Taking action in AA helped me to finally take action in therapy and to follow through with suggestions. It was just like what Tomsteve wrote: "no action, no change".

Aellyce

It sounds like you are going to a lot of doctors, sleepie. But are you seeing anyone about your anxiety and mental health issues, apart from that testing you mentioned? I agree with Scott that assessment is an important step, but only the first step, towards getting better. There are so many different kinds of treatments for mental health but I think they are often harder work than dealing with physical problems because we need to put in a lot of independent effort to make it practical for ourselves. I am a big fan of therapy and have been going almost since I first got sober over 2 years ago but I would not find it all that helpful if I just went to the sessions and talked with the therapist for an hour a week and that's it. Need to do something with all that awareness, insight, emotions and skills in everyday life otherwise it's not much more than dumping ground.

I think that the point about using SR may be a good one, too. This forum is great but it can also become counterproductive like anything if used as a distraction from being proactive in our lives. I fell into a trap of using SR too much in the past and sometimes in ways that were really not that helpful to me and I distracted myself from actually working on my life and my 3D relationships.

To answer your question, I did not have long stretches of misery in sustained sobriety but I do feel bad each time when I procrastinate or isolate myself even for a short while (these are the worst things I can do for my anxiety). Not saying I don't fall into these behaviors but it's important to snap out of it. If your anxiety traps you inside the house, then I think something should really be done!

Another suggestion: perhaps try to seek the company of positive, optimistic people if possible, at least have some in your life. My new therapist said something in our first session that I think was very cool. There is the concept of "learned helplessness", a negative orientation to the world and ourselves and behavior of stagnation and giving up often developing as a consequence of painful experiences or traumas that we could not avoid. He said he believes in what he called "learned optimism" and likes to facilitate that with patients. Obviously that is easier to achieve for some people than others but he thinks everyone can learn to live that way.

Finally, perhaps it would help you to find or create more meaningful things in your life that inspire you? Things that you love and find important. Don't recall if you ever mentioned but do you have pets? They can really enhance the joy in life.

I agree with zjw that you have come a long way, stopping an alcohol and benzo addiction is not a cakewalk! Just don't stop here but keep moving is what I would say

zjw

yeah i've heard it said like to surround yourself iwth people you wanna be like. wanna be fit and healthy surround yourself with those kidns of people. wanna be happy and optimistic surround yourself with those kinds of people.

I have one friend he's super fit super positive and upbeat and while we are not reall real close I value his friendship so much because I know I need a very positive optimistic person to talk me up etc.. and to help me stay motivated and oddly he says he's thankful for me for the same reasons :: scratches head I always thought i was a downer lol::

I also had to weed out some folks who did nothing but put me down never had anythign good to day couldnt wait to point out all the things i do wrong yet never recognize all the things i do right. I had to weed these folks out carefully taking care to realize whos trying to give me that "tough love" and whos just crapping on me all the time.

Doing that has helped with my anxiety too. I could talk to a downer type person who pointed out all my short comings and made me feel crappy and well i'd feel like trash afterwards not motivated to do squat.

Or I coudl talk to an upbeat person who'd tell me positive stuff and so on and i'd walk away feeling good and have much less anxiety and such.

greens

I can relate a lot. I hear a lot of people say how their anxiety went away when they stopped abusing alcohol but for me that isnt even close. In fact things got works bc I wasnt able to knock myself out at nighttime anymore. I have sleep anxiety related to my ptsd, I actually have a fear of falling asleep. My sleep issues have been the most frustrating thing throughout my sobreity.

I stick close to other recovered folks with mental illness bc they are the only ones who get the frustration. Watching others lives get better while I have obstacle after obstacle to face.
I have a tendency to compare myself to others when our experience just isn't the same.

I don't know where Im going with all this. But I understand the frustration when I am putting in all the work and not seeing any results. I have my ups and downs and I wish I could say "I'm always feel better when I xyz" but that's just not the case. (I believe you have posted about ptsd In the past?) Sometimes I can be putting in all the work and I still feel horrible.

entropy1964

Hey Greens
I wanted to say that I had/have the same sleep related problems associated with PTSD. Part of that is attached to sleep paralysis, where I often relive traumas over and over and can't pull myself awake...while being almost conscious but I cannot move. Pretty terrifying. This isn't medical advice but talk to your dr. about quetiapine/seroquel. Its a powerful drug and needs lots of consideration with the help of your dr but it has all but eliminated this sleep associated stuff (which sucks big time). I'm sure you'll hear both positive and negative about the drug but its not addictive in that there is no 'high' and I take a very low dose only at night. And I don't seem to develop a tolerance so I've never had to increase the dose. I hope this doesn't fall into medical advice but there is so little that can be done for PTSD....I just thought I'd suggest you talk to your dr.

zjw

yep totally ok to feel how you do. in my case i thought there was something wrong with me cause i still felt like garbage all the time. then your told by others oh do this or do that or your doing this wrong and your like oh man i'm just never gonna get this i'm just totally doomed.

It has been my expieeince anyhow tho that in time it does indeed get better just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other. we didnt become a mess over night and we cant fix it over night either.

it does improve tho I promise. but your sitll gonna have bad days and crap times too I think the peeks and valleys smooth out tho over time.

Sudz No More

Only suggestion I would make is that your problems may not be all together alcohol related? I think you have done really great in getting control of your addictions but these other anxiety problems should be looked at beyond the substances.

silentrun

Hi sleeps. At 5 months I was still plenty uncomfortable much of the time. That was just from alcohol and you are tackling bezos too. I didn't find recovery to be linear at all. There were times in that first year I was crawling out of my skin and felt like I was going 100mph in reverse. I was always recovering even if I didn't feel like I was. What I would say to myself at 5 months would be: "Give yourself some time and work the piece of the puzzle that is directly in front of you for now. Don't try and figure out where this is going. You can't possibly anticipate how this is will turn out. Just keep doing the next thing when it shows itself."
5 months in is still very early and you are doing great. Recovering is a total mind **** and you are hanging in there.