Resistance to Change
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Resistance to Change
I'm curious to know if anyone else has felt like their addiction related to a resistance to change? As usual whenever I have one of these thoughtful moments I wonder if it's something that's one of "those" things that other alcoholics have experienced, or just one of my things.
I'm sitting in this apartment that I lived in for several years, longer than I've lived anywhere else. The movers have come and taken my stuff and I'm sad but OK. I'm just thinking about how really I should have left here several years ago. But instead I just went deep into drinking. I think it was a kind of denial that I had to move on. I was very happy here at one point and just wanted to stay in that moment even after it was over. I do the same in relationships, staying in them way after I should leave. I have so much trouble letting go of phases in my life. And I can see that I would drink to keep my doubts quiet or to pacify myself or something along those lines. The alcohol was a way to refuse to change.
Anyone else have this? I feel like my relationship to time and my relationship to alcohol are related but I'm having trouble putting my finger on it. I'm the kind of person who feels nostalgic about something before it's even over. I feel like just like drinking was a way to artificially make a mood last as long as possible, it was also a way to try and stop time?
I'm sitting in this apartment that I lived in for several years, longer than I've lived anywhere else. The movers have come and taken my stuff and I'm sad but OK. I'm just thinking about how really I should have left here several years ago. But instead I just went deep into drinking. I think it was a kind of denial that I had to move on. I was very happy here at one point and just wanted to stay in that moment even after it was over. I do the same in relationships, staying in them way after I should leave. I have so much trouble letting go of phases in my life. And I can see that I would drink to keep my doubts quiet or to pacify myself or something along those lines. The alcohol was a way to refuse to change.
Anyone else have this? I feel like my relationship to time and my relationship to alcohol are related but I'm having trouble putting my finger on it. I'm the kind of person who feels nostalgic about something before it's even over. I feel like just like drinking was a way to artificially make a mood last as long as possible, it was also a way to try and stop time?
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Originally Posted by fantail 
I'm curious to know if anyone else has felt like their addiction related to a resistance to change?
And then I drank, of course, because it was the easiest thing to do at some point. Maybe because, by that point, I was overwhelmed by the things I hadn't changed.
It all started innocently enough, though, by drinking for the buzz. And I'm sure my mind always sought after that buzz, even at the end when I went from sober to drunk and bypassed the buzz.
After I got sober, I found it was rather simple to apply that kind of habit change to other areas of my life. Maybe not easy, but simple enough to execute. Uncomfortable at times, yes.
We can springboard and use that momentum to make other changes.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Absolutely. I would add, I think the issue is not only a resistance to make changes, but also to maintain the changes. Even sometimes long after implementing a change of behavior, the pull of old temptations and familiar memories/thoughts/feelings/actions can become very strong and override what has already seemed/felt like a stable change. I experienced the latter I can't even tell you in how many different ways throughout my life, addiction- and drinking-related stuff is actually a minor, but of course very dramatic part of it. And I have not seen a single person over, say, age 25 that does not have some kind of repetitive behavior they don't want to break. I think, in a way, addiction occurs when this mechanism becomes very extreme and often life threatening and so powerful it overrides inhibitions and potential new learning.
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I am a creature of habit for sure. And my brain becomes habituated to drink which makes change challenging. Add to that that I'm a fighter and want what I want when I want it. IE immature. Haha. So yeah, resistant to change is one way of looking at it.
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My husband is an alcoholic. He is in his late 30's now and when he started drinking in his teens, well it was "what teens do", the crowd he hung out with all drank and partied. Then in your early 20's with college, partying etc. "That's just what young ppl in their 20's did". Once you live a certain way for so long, it gets harder and harder to even think of a life different. You get comfortable and that state of feeling "comfortable" gives us all that illusion of certainty, safety, control etc. No one likes feeling out of control, fish out of water, and uncomfortable.
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Originally Posted by fantail
I feel like just like drinking was a way to artificially make a mood last as long as possible, it was also a way to try and stop time?
Resistance to change itself I think is common, whether you are an alcoholic or not. We tend to gravitate towards what we know and resist what we don't in many cases.
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I really relate fantail, booze has been a buffer for a lot of years and an excuse not to act. Also a way of not over thinking things............... not good and created far more problems that it ever soothed or helped me to avoid. I've been in several relationships for far to long always struggling to get out of them even when they are clearly over / destructive. I'm also sensitive and emotional and this has all come crashing back in on me since I've been sober a little while. ......... time for me to grow up and deal with it. It's hard, but there's no other way anymore, the escape was an illusion.
xx
xx
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I would also add that resistance to change can, and in many essential ways is, also a very important constructive force when it comes to our existence. Healthy habits and responses to instinctual motives are essential for survival -- take just very simple examples: feeding, seeking shelter and rest, or procreation. The motivations that drive these needs generate repetitive desires and actions in response to them, and all this together is crucial for life. We resist changing these needs and behaviors because they maintain us. Ironically, the same mechanisms that serve survival in their healthy state are the ones that can also get out of control in many dysfunctional repetitive behaviors, including addictions. The way I see it is that it's always a bit dancing on the edge.
Lack of resistance to change can also become just as harmful, for example if someone is so driven by seeking novelty that they neglect basic needs and security. I have personally struggled with the latter also quite a bit in my life, other people often see / describe it as commitment phobia and while it can be driven by fear, often it's not fear at all but an unresistable desire for the unknown and change. This is also often associated with vulnerability to harmful behaviors when someone is seeking novelty at the expense of safety and security, too much risk taking.
Lack of resistance to change can also become just as harmful, for example if someone is so driven by seeking novelty that they neglect basic needs and security. I have personally struggled with the latter also quite a bit in my life, other people often see / describe it as commitment phobia and while it can be driven by fear, often it's not fear at all but an unresistable desire for the unknown and change. This is also often associated with vulnerability to harmful behaviors when someone is seeking novelty at the expense of safety and security, too much risk taking.
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I think change, for the most part is scary. It's just another example of just how fear driven us As are I suppose. I feel myself rear up, and anger quickly rising up when faced with unexpected change. Even something to silly as arriving at a gym class to find a different instructor there to who usually takes it. Or my usual order on a menu being sold out. Silly huh. Thankfully now I understand how fear CAN lead me, as long as I'm alert to it I can breathe through the fear, get on with life on life's terms, and more importantly not let that fear evolve into anger or resentment, which is the OLD story of my life!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Originally Posted by Aellyce
I would also add that resistance to change can, and in many essential ways is, also a very important constructive force when it comes to our existence. Healthy habits and responses to instinctual motives are essential for survival -- take just very simple examples: feeding, seeking shelter and rest, or procreation. The motivations that drive these needs generate repetitive desires and actions in response to them, and all this together is crucial for life. We resist changing these needs and behaviors because they maintain us. Ironically, the same mechanisms that serve survival in their healthy state are the ones that can also get out of control in many dysfunctional repetitive behaviors, including addictions. The way I see it is that it's always a bit dancing on the edge.
Lack of resistance to change can also become just as harmful, for example if someone is so driven by seeking novelty that they neglect basic needs and security. I have personally struggled with the latter also quite a bit in my life, other people often see / describe it as commitment phobia and while it can be driven by fear, often it's not fear at all but an unresistable desire for the unknown and change. This is also often associated with vulnerability to harmful behaviors when someone is seeking novelty at the expense of safety and security, too much risk taking.
Lack of resistance to change can also become just as harmful, for example if someone is so driven by seeking novelty that they neglect basic needs and security. I have personally struggled with the latter also quite a bit in my life, other people often see / describe it as commitment phobia and while it can be driven by fear, often it's not fear at all but an unresistable desire for the unknown and change. This is also often associated with vulnerability to harmful behaviors when someone is seeking novelty at the expense of safety and security, too much risk taking.
I know that sounds like the opposite of my earlier post but somehow it isn't.
Sorting out these two things today. Somehow I'm both too recklessly impulsive AND too resistant to change, and the two things are related and alcohol is in the emotional mix there somewhere too.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Thanks for the various perspectives everyone. I know it seems a bit like navel gazing to some but for me this is part of "doing the work".
I know that there's a thing in here that I need to understand about myself. All of your thoughts are giving me lots to ruminate on as I try to get there.
In some ways I guess I feel that sober I'm generally always wanting something new and wanting to push on to the next thing. I'm not satisfied, I guess, often. So when I do experience satisfaction, I kind of force myself to stay there way after it's stopped working. And drinking was a tool in that process.
So maybe the thing I'm trying to put my finger on is being torn between the excitement of novelty seeking (which is compelling but difficult) and the part of me that just wants to be happy and comfortable (which is lovely but dull).
Sorry, this IS navel gazing. What can I say. I do find it helpful for whatever that's worth and I'm glad to know others are thinking about these things too.
but for me this is part of "doing the work".I know that there's a thing in here that I need to understand about myself. All of your thoughts are giving me lots to ruminate on as I try to get there.
In some ways I guess I feel that sober I'm generally always wanting something new and wanting to push on to the next thing. I'm not satisfied, I guess, often. So when I do experience satisfaction, I kind of force myself to stay there way after it's stopped working. And drinking was a tool in that process.
So maybe the thing I'm trying to put my finger on is being torn between the excitement of novelty seeking (which is compelling but difficult) and the part of me that just wants to be happy and comfortable (which is lovely but dull).
Sorry, this IS navel gazing.
What can I say. I do find it helpful for whatever that's worth and I'm glad to know others are thinking about these things too. Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
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One of the most amazing movies ever: "What Dreams May Come", really highlighted, for me, fear of change. The whole concept of: "I'll just stay here in my pathetic rut" was layed out blatantly.
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Originally Posted by fantail
I feel like just like drinking was a way to artificially make a mood last as long as possible, it was also a way to try and stop time?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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I know it seems a bit like navel gazing to some
I'm sorry I have nothing to contribute to your original query though! But you have company in seeking answers... it's a worthy endeavor.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Thanks Sleepie. I realized even as I was typing that that it's silly to apologize for sharing feelings on a self help forum. But I can't not do it. Darn British and Germanic Northeastern US cultural heritage...
Plus, I'm a millenial. If we talk about our feelings people are like "shut up and stop tweeting you ingrates, everything's your fault".
Plus, I'm a millenial. If we talk about our feelings people are like "shut up and stop tweeting you ingrates, everything's your fault".
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