Ariesagain

I spent the last several months of my drinking doing what you're describing. The good news and the bad news is that I have always been able to stop after a few drinks, and a lot of nights drank less than that or none at all. The bad news is that those few were making me sick, tired, and sad...but because it was only a few I could always justify it because I wasn't "that bad."

I wasted a lot of time that way, and worse, I never got the alcohol entirely out of my system long enough to feel better. I was either in the early days of withdrawal or drinking. And the constant inner dialogue starting every afternoon about whether I was going to have wine or beer or both or none that day was incredibly tedious.

Limbo sucked and now on day 60, I know for certain that it's no place to spend my time.

Sammy2

I've always had a problem looking backwards and forwards and then ignoring the present.

It is harder now even because of grief and yearning for a child and a past that I can never have again. (I did not have a child pass, that is a complicated story for another time.)

I am afraid for tomorrow
I am afraid for my body if I can't stop
I am afraid because I want to have a child and if got prego in the near future I would never even be tempted by alcohol again but right now, the rate I'm going, if I got prego the child would already be so damaged by the time I found out...

I'm not in a relationship nor am I sexually active but that is the future I think about, dwell on.
I am afraid to want things again.
I am afraid have something that I want and break it.
I am afraid because I am weak and a slave to my addiction right now.

So, I promise to continue to be afraid so that I may find courage to do what I need to do to stay sober today. I will leave this house tomorrow and promise that I will be terrified of the end of my shift. And I will find the courage to do whatever I need to do at that point to stay sober that day.

Berrybean

We don't get sober by clinging to fear Sammy. Fears are just stories we tell ourselves. Why not tell yourself some positive stories instead. They could be in the form of a sobriety plan

Don't carry the fear - walk through it.

Thumpalumpacus

Face the day with your backbone straight and your head held high, Sammy. You've made a damned good decision and ought to be proud that you've got the courage to chart a new course.

esoxlucius

I struggled with the never-drinking-again thought but now have come to accept that I cannot and will not. It came to me slowly as the weeks sober turned to months and I realised that a) one drink would bring me back to where I was, no doubt about that and b) I really started to like who I was sober and my sober life.

Never thought I would say it but I am now happy at the thought of never drinking again. It makes me smile with relief as my drinking life was such damn hard work.

advbike

This was me.. stuck in limbo.. not moving forward.. never gaining the clarity I needed to see the real problems I was self-medicating every day.. what a waste.

Just because we're "controlling it" doesn't mean our lives are fulfilling or meaningful or happy. They tend to become very narrowly focused actually.

advbike

This is so true.. the fear is just a mirage..

Walk through the fear.

doggonecarl

In the face of something I am powerless against (alcohol), it is very empowering to say, "Never again!" in regards to drinking.

tim68

Two more days will have me at 30 days sober. I don't like feeling powerless , weak and feeling deprived. So to say I "cant" or "never" makes me feel weak and destined to fail. But.....I have discovered what gives me the power is to simply say I "choose" not to drink today. I'm loving how I feel. I can "choose" forever if i want! I feel today that I can easily surpass my last attempt at sobriety last year which was 90 days. I have learned so much from my failures along the way. And I'm so greatful for everyone sharing their journey here. I thank you all so much for your time, encouragement and support!

thomas11

Dee said: "That kinda missed the point that I was still enslaved to drinking tho...

Having one arm free can still mean you're in chains,"

Brilliant as usual.

ScottFromWI

While I don't necessarily tell my self that I will "never drink again ever" or recite the phrase out loud, I do think it was necessary for me to accept that my addiction/alcoholism is a lifelong affliction I can never be "cured" of. Too many times in the past I opened that crack and sure enough, I started drinking again.

Part of this is just a semantics argument of course like the "recovery vs recovered" argument, but at the end of the day the simple truth is that alcoholics cannot drink alcohol - period. Whatever method or mantra you choose to make sure that doesn't happen is the best one for you if it works.

SoberCAH

Higherwisdom -

It's kind of ironic that you fear never being able to drink again, while I fear ever being able to drink again.

I wish I could never drink again, and I take daily actions to never do so.

But I am an alcoholic and I can drink again, which, like I said, scares me.

BTW, it seems like you sure have to do a lot of work to manage your drinking.

TP770

I'm not telling myself that I'll never drink again but this is how I've been successful for 142 days....When I go out to eat I tell myself I'm not going to order a drink. When I hang out with people...I'm not going to have a drink. When I work in my garage...I'm not going to have a drink....and so on.

Baby steps. I work on one new task at a time without a drink. Everyday and every task is new because it's without a drink. It works to hold down the urges and keep me focused on my new life...one small step at a time.

Give it a try...

MIRecovery

Although I will not say I will never drink again I know I can't drink again. For me drinking again means I will die and I'm not ready for that at least not an alcoholic death

Sammy2

I walked through fear today. I walked into the liquor store and I left with only a pack of cigarettes. Day 2 was a success so far; however, many hours of daylight leave me a little nervous for the night.
I had the shakes all evening yesterday and spent 7 hours just laying in bed. But I expected that. It's the coming days that really have me up in arms to be strong.

ru12

Umm... Just a thought... Stay out of liquor stores. I'm glad you only got cigs though.

Sunflowerlife

I'm Just curious and please don't read tone into this but why are you hanging around and posting on a recovery site if you are not an alcoholic and can moderate your drinking? I am glad you have found something that works for you but the rest of us are here because we CANNOT drink in moderation.

As for saying I will never drink again? Some days the phrase scares the crap out of me and other days saying it out loud liberates my soul. I have spent and wasted too many years drinking. As much as the fantasy is still there I am wise enough now to know that picking up a drink won't be fun anymore, won't end well and won't allow me to reach the spiritual bliss I so desperately seek. So yeah, I will never drink again and I will never change my mind. (A phrase used in Rational Recovery.) if I could drink moderately I wouldn't be here. Oh wait, there was a time when I could but like most of us, that time surely didn't last.