zjw

going through some stuff myself important to me probably stupid to anyone else. point is it has me down depressed and i feel like life keeps kicking me down to the matt and i keep getting back up. But i'm running out of fight and the temptations are there etc.. I'm rambling on to anyone who will here me how i'd like a drink or i'd like to eat a bullet or i'd liek to smoke a joint etc...

But i'm not gonna. I'm not gonna go backwards it seems going forward is all i know now. I thought i'm not gonna get kicked down face plant in the mud and then grab a shovel and start diggen my grave. I'm not gonna go back to that mentality. I can lay there get some rest and get back up and keep fighting but i'm not gonna dig my stinking pit.

I guess my point is its ok to get discouraged pissed off wanna throw in the towel wanna give up scream rant rave cry etc.. But just dont actually give up. catch your breath take a breather but get back up.

Grabben a drink (shovel) and diggen your pit deeper aint gonna get you no where but in a much worse predicament. its better to stand still sometimes scream shout cry pull your hair out but dont throw in the towel and give up.

Bird615

I hear you.

It helps me when I'm going through stuff is to remember all the other times I went through stuff and, like you described, do whatever I need to to get through it. It passed--I went through and came out on the other side stronger.

It will pass. I keep sight of that.

silentrun

That's the spirit. Sometimes we can't control what happens to us or even how it makes us feel, we can control how our actions though. You are doing so great. I have the drinking firmly behind me but I still struggle with the weight and smoking. You are quite inspirational to me.

OldTomato

You got this zjw. Whatever you're going through right now will pass, picking up a drink will not make it better. Thank you for posting this.

Dave42001

My sponsor would tell me to get out of self pity and go help someone!

SoberLeigh

times Sometimes the only choice we have is to power through the difficult with the belief that resolution and determination will bring relief.

We walk beside you, zjw.

dox

Thank you for the post, zjw.

I needed that.

Going through the trenches now myself.

You remind me of Winston Churchill, who said something like:

"Never give up! Never give up! Never, never, never, never!'"

What he really said can be read here:

Never Give In

Almost as inspirational for me as the OP, I must say.

least

I know the feeling of utter despair. But like everything else, it will pass.

Soberwolf

Good post

Hawkeye13

Sending you support.
Great attitude--you can get through this tough time stronger

zjw

thats a good point. my problem lately is i'm so self absorbed and so stuck in my head and in my mess i cant see anything else around me. I realized on friday that i finally had a moment where i was like hey wait a second. I dont have to feel like crap. I can try and set this aside and not let it hook me. I of course realized i have a choice. sometimes you dont realize you have a choice your so stuck in the trenches you cant even see it.

In my case what did i choose? i wont lie. I chose to be miserable depressed and to wallow in my poo. I"m still wallowing a bit. But i'm not gonna dig it any deeper.

Each day i get kicked in the teeth it seems i go to bed hoping the next will be better all night long i wake up thinking / praying the next day will be better. Only to wake up and its not again *sigh* blasted!

But i know its gonna pass. I know its gonna get better.

Dave42001

I totally understand, I've been there! It will get better and will pass! It might be uncomfortable for a while but you're going to make it..

I was my own worst enemy early on isolating all by myself at home. Do you have any sober friends to call or hang out with today? A very common fact about getting sober is you can't do it by yourself.. I believe you can do it by yourself but hanging out with other clean positive friends makes it a lot easier!!

Sorry your having a tough day! I'll say a prayer for you!! Never give up, just make it through today!

Ultramarathoner

Good attitude.

Recognizing one has the ability to consciously respond to a given situation is powerful. Emotions typically follow one's response.

Continue to show that grit- and intentionally choose to be your ideal self.

sleepie

Hey zjw I'm sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch. It sucks! i wonder do you like comedies? I mean if only for a temporary distraction, or some really good music that you like. That helps me out sometimes. But somethings gotta give sometimes. Because things will make you nuts. How's it going with your exercise and banana diet? I know you feel it helps things quite a bit.

zjw

thanks sleepie thats kinda the thing my excercise is taking a beeting. i posted up a couple weeks ago about transitioning my running form. its been one problem after another injury after pain staking injury after pain staking injury.

many of wich are my own fault.

Diets great tho i got my health going for me. nothing but raw fruits and veggies for I feel very good in that regard.

I was kinda blindsided yest while down in the dumps I got wind my wife had asked someone to get some pot later asked if i'd be partaking. I said I just dont think it would be a wise idea. I said with as depressed as i am it absolutly sounds great but its also probably the dumbest hting i could do at a time like this.

I dont think she got it thankfully and if she did I dont want anything to do with it. I didnt come this friggen far to blow it over this.

Yeah I need some of those. this is part of my issue. I feel I have no where to run and dont want to dump my problems on people and be a burden.

My wife even mentioned i'm self centered self absorbed etc.. she wasnt angry. I said yes i know. I'm stuck in my own little world and i do have a very hard time looking outside my little bubble to see / associate with / help otheres etc.. My mind is usually going 3213281932189321 MPH and its hard to put it on hold to pay attention to someone else. I have a strict routine that keeps my sanity and keeps me in check the down side is i'm almost a prisoner to it at times as well.

zjw

good idea with the comedies sleepie but lately i've been so stuck in my head that i cant even break out to do my usual reading or unwind with a movie or a show or something. I'd rather sit there and ponder my dilemmas. Probably not healthy but try telling my mind to stop for a bit.

zjw

ugg she did get pot just asked me a min ago if i wanted to smoke some i'm like umm no. I wanted to scream ARE YOU NUTS NOOOO!O!!*(@(**(!@*(!!

but to each his own if she wants to do that she can knock herself out.

its gotta be difficult living with me the health nut runner vegan who's Mr Square. She said to me the other day she wants the guy back who's not so wierd about things (i can be a bit anal about things being a certain way IE my shirt has to fit just right or my shoes or some stupid hting) I said yeah well get me a case of beer and you can have that guy back But I dont think either of us wants that!.

Cow

Maybe you has to be hyper-focus on you health stuff right now to stay sober. That seem pretty normal. Maybe you relax little bit down the road. I would think anybody who care about you put up with it versus you digging a boozy grave.

Sorry you down. I think is okay to wallow sometime, it not indulgent, it just ...part of normal emotions. (Unless you does it for 10 year like Cow. )Anyways, I send you a virtual cuddle.

Introvrtd1

I hear ya zjw......

I'm more afraid of what it does to me going backwards than what I feel going forward......Life has its ups and downs no matter how much we try and take care of ourselves.....

Keep pushin forward!

sleepie

How goes it today zjw?