Fervor

Having a bit o' trouble with it today. Saturday is a slow, quiet day for me, which makes it harder to distract myself with some of the usual things.

The stress is on for tomorrow. I have to go where I don’t want to go and do what I don’t want to do, because others want or need it. Nice of me an' all, I am a wife and mom and grandma, but I may need to learn to say 'no' for a bit until the desire to drink from the frustration of it is more in check.

Obladi

Good going today, Fervor. I think you are right to be thinking of setting up some boundaries for yourself. If you can't say no to tomorrow, definitely do what you can to dial down the stress.

Keep going; you're almost at a week!

Berrybean

Hi Fervor. Where is it you're supposed to be going, and doing what?


You know, we need a lot of self-honesty what we start out. I'd ask myself why I don't want to go / do what I've agreed to do. Sometimes, esp in early recovery, the things we don't want t do are the very things that we actually need. Other times, it's more a matter of changing people pleasing ways to not put ourselves in temptations way if it's a situation that might trigger us to drink. I'm just remembering that you really didn't want to go to that group with your husband last week, but you got a lot out of it.

Take care x

Fervor

A baby dedication at church and possibly taking on our youngest grandson because of his cold while our daughter did child care, then lunch out with the kids (and I thought, other family members of theirs) and the grandboys. In the end, he was fine and I wasn’t needed.

I mostly don’t want to go anywhere that is a social ‘thing’. I hate social ‘thing’s. Smile, be what is expected of you. I hated it from my mother and I hate it from my husband and oldest child. Doing what others choose [and having a hard time living with their choices] is what got me here. I don’t mind interacting one on one.

To me, church is a social ‘thing”. Today, I left when she said I wasn’t needed for grandson sitting. They were talking about bags for the homeless that they were, well, I can only describe it as selling. $5 a bag. I said to myself, ‘Yeah, good idea [while wondering if they were making a profit, shame on me]. Why don’t I just go do that right now? I’d rather do that than sit here for an hour.’ So I got up and went to buy bags and stuff to put in them to give to the homeless I run into.

It was great. I waylaid a couple of homeless guys and asked them what they would like in a bag if someone were to give them a bag of stuff. Usually I give them $10 McDonald’s cards, but I’d never actually asked them what they might need:

Socks, Ramen, easy open canned goods, a decent shirt for job interviews, fruit cups, a cheap backpack instead of a bag because others steal their stuff, a belt.
So I went off to grab such stuff for them and others in future.

The only negative to it was that I was late picking hubby up from church because my balance was low and I had to go to the ATM. He got anxious about where I was because he forgot his phone [almost always] and couldn’t call me. Drat! How crappy is that that you can try to do something good and end up harming someone? Ugh.

Things I do for/with hubby never involve temptation. Neither he nor our kids nor church people [that I know of] drink.

Fervor

It's just living with him 24/7 that does it.

Crud, I shouldn't say that because he can't help how his 'isms drive me nuts. I'm married to the bestest, cutest guy I've ever met in my 63 years, but, he has depression and some other stuff and doesn't talk or do much of anything these days, but relies on me lots. Mostly I really don't mind, but dealing with it while not self-medicating is pretty hard.

Berrybean

I know what you mean about 'being what is expected of you' - I used to have a different persona for every situation I was in. That's one of the wonderful things that recovery has brought me. As I have learned that I'm not such a bad person, and cared less about impressing others / fitting a mould, social events don't carry the same stress. I'm just me. Every day I thank God for the 12-steps and how it's changed my life, and me.

Fervor

Good for you. I want that for me. Thanks

Mountainmanbob

Keep doing what you have been doing Fervor.
It's working for you.
Many times I sobered up rather easily.
Then the day came when it was close to impossible.
Cling to what you have -- a sober blessing.
M-Bob

Obladi

No doubt dealing with it is pretty hard, no matter what your state. Have you thought about getting yourself some counseling to help you with this? Taking care your spouse while ensuring you are maintaining appropriate boundaries can introduce some really tricky challenges.

I think it's really awesome that you asked the guys what they would appreciate. Nice going!

Fervor

I’ve had some interaction with the homeless and the poor. Most are not harmful. They’re simple souls. Those two guys said that most people were afraid of them. I’ve found no basis for people’s fears. The homeless are usually thankful and polite, and I think that is their biggest gripe – that we treat them as non-people, look past them, don’t know what to do with them. That’s where my planning-ness has come in handy. I figure what I will say to them, do for them or give them before I run into them.

Shiesters are a different story. They will tell you a lie they think will convince you to give them …whatever. You can see it as they begin to spin their tale. If I can, I will stop them before they begin to lie to me, because if they lie, I will not help them.

I have been to a couple of psychologists. I found that the best they really offer is a listening, non-judgmental ear*, and that alone is wonderful but it comes at a pretty steep price. Large deductible for that. In the end, there are some things we must summon the courage to do from within ourselves.

*Sometimes even the ear is jaded and I wonder how they listen to all of us hour after hour without standing up and screaming, “Stop whining at me! Just go do what we both know you need to do, I can’t go home with you and do it for you, for crying out loud, my life's tough too!

Obladi

Reminds me of the movie Hector and the Search for Happiness.
Loved it!

Berrybean

How's it going Fervor. Have you devised your Sober Plan? Maybe you could share that with us.

You write a lot about other people - your husband and his depression; the homeless guys who willingly submit to your help and treat you well; the homeless guys are are not willing (or perhaps able) to trust that you'll help them without the spin, and aren't so honest with you (honesty can be tough when you feel that people will reject you for it - when I came into sobriety, and for quite a while afterwards, I'd never been completely honest about myself, what I thought and felt, and what I'd done - not even really with myself); the people at church who aren't doing things your way, etc.

Perhaps try not to worry / think so much about them. All we can change is ourselves after all, and our judgement of others doesn't help them, and only hinders us (through distraction) from the more important and useful task at hand - Recovery.

I hope that you're having a stable week Fervor.

Keepnitreal

I hope all is going well Fervor. Social interactions can be tough! I know that's when I get the most anxious about everything.
Have you actually seen your primary doctor and talked about some of these things you are feeling? They may be able to help sort things out and point you in the right direction.
My hubby retired early about 2 1/2 years ago and all he does is play video games and complain. I think he's depressed but he thinks he's great. He now can't do anything because he's always "in pain" or feeling "tired" because he's up to late playing games. I'm at my wits end!!!!! I suffer from depression so I can't take a "DEBBIE downer" all the time. I'm trying to start doing things without him because I just can't use his behavior as an excuse to derail my sobriety.

Obladi

Hey Fervor, what's the haps?

Fervor

Obladi. Not so good. I messed up and I can't seem to find my way back. That's a movie I'm not familiar with. I'll check it out.

least

I hope you will get right back on track. Recovery isn't easy, but it's so worth it.

Dropsie

Good for you.

I am with Obladi, its the saying stopped that is the trick.

Sound like you are doing great.

Obladi

Fervor, I'm sorry you're stuck. It's the worst place to be, huh?
I've just realized more clearly that I drank to avoid what was going on at home. And I don't think it was a general avoidance of the unpleasant, I think it was a more specific avoidance of things I could possibly impact but probably won't even if I try. It's not easy or comfortable to stay sober through those most a cute pangs of helplessness, but it's not as hard as it seems either.

Some way, some how find a way to remove drinking as an option. I promise you'll learn to live through the other stuff. You can do it!

Glad you came back.