Driving drunk with the kids in the car
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 17
Driving drunk with the kids in the car
I'm not the alcoholic, and I'm sorry if I shouldn't post here, but I feel I need opinions/advice from those who have been through it themselves.
I left my abf 2 wks ago because his drinking is out of control. I found out from his kids (15 & 12) that he took them to the movies and was drunk and drove straight through a roundabout on the way home. Luckily, no one was hurt. He doesn't even remember it.
I confronted him about it and he told me throughout that day he drank 3 pints of vodka and snuck a 4th one in the theatre and drank it. While telling me what happened, he was not drunk and it is so shocking to me how lightly a deal he made of it, almost smirking. I got upset and he said he feels ashamed to tell me and the smirking is just a nervous smirk, but I feel he really doesn't get how awful a thing he did, and how out of control his drinking has become. I should mention there is no mother in the picture for these kids- he has full custody, help from his parents.
The more I let it sink in, the more sick I get about it. But maybe an alcoholic just doesn't feel anymore? Isn't in reality? I wish I could get him to see how out of control things are and how serious his actions could end up disastrous. Or, maybe I'm wasting my time. I know on the friends/family of alcoholics thread, they will tell me to run fast as I can and don't look back. But I can't do that. I mean, I can, I eventually will, but isn't there something I can do?
What works? What makes an impact to an alcoholic? Where is rock bottom and how do you get there before killing someone accidentally? Has anyone said anything to you when you were drinking that really helped you see the truth? How can I protect those kids from this happening again? I appreciate any insight you may have, as I am desperate
Thank you
I left my abf 2 wks ago because his drinking is out of control. I found out from his kids (15 & 12) that he took them to the movies and was drunk and drove straight through a roundabout on the way home. Luckily, no one was hurt. He doesn't even remember it.
I confronted him about it and he told me throughout that day he drank 3 pints of vodka and snuck a 4th one in the theatre and drank it. While telling me what happened, he was not drunk and it is so shocking to me how lightly a deal he made of it, almost smirking. I got upset and he said he feels ashamed to tell me and the smirking is just a nervous smirk, but I feel he really doesn't get how awful a thing he did, and how out of control his drinking has become. I should mention there is no mother in the picture for these kids- he has full custody, help from his parents.
The more I let it sink in, the more sick I get about it. But maybe an alcoholic just doesn't feel anymore? Isn't in reality? I wish I could get him to see how out of control things are and how serious his actions could end up disastrous. Or, maybe I'm wasting my time. I know on the friends/family of alcoholics thread, they will tell me to run fast as I can and don't look back. But I can't do that. I mean, I can, I eventually will, but isn't there something I can do?
What works? What makes an impact to an alcoholic? Where is rock bottom and how do you get there before killing someone accidentally? Has anyone said anything to you when you were drinking that really helped you see the truth? How can I protect those kids from this happening again? I appreciate any insight you may have, as I am desperate
Thank you
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
You could mention it to the kids mother.
I don't know if the kids will cover it up and deny their father had been drinking or not.
It's a real serious offense here in Illinois to have kids under the age of 18 and get a DUI .
I don't know if the kids will cover it up and deny their father had been drinking or not.
It's a real serious offense here in Illinois to have kids under the age of 18 and get a DUI .
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
To protect the kids, you might consider calling Child Protective Services or whatever the equivalent is where you are.
And no, in my opinion, there's nothing you can say to make an addict want to get help. It comes from within.
Addicts are human beings and are just as unique as non-addicts. So, their motivations are also unique. There's no set definition of what constitutes rock bottom and the belief that an addict must hit this thing called rock bottom is hogwash. An addict will pursue recovery if and when they decide the discomfort of addiction is greater than the discomfort of withdrawal and recovery.
And that "if" is a very real thing. Sometimes an addict doesn't decide to pursue recovery. Sometimes they die and sometimes they end up hurting/killing other people.
And it's a truism of relationships that you can't change people. You can't change a single thing about your bf, not even his addiction, so you'll need to take that stark fact into account when you make your decisions about the relationship.
If the kids are at risk, I hope you'll report it to the authorities.
I can testify that life after addiction is healthy, rich, and fulfilling. Hope he'll decide someday to go for it!
And no, in my opinion, there's nothing you can say to make an addict want to get help. It comes from within.
Addicts are human beings and are just as unique as non-addicts. So, their motivations are also unique. There's no set definition of what constitutes rock bottom and the belief that an addict must hit this thing called rock bottom is hogwash. An addict will pursue recovery if and when they decide the discomfort of addiction is greater than the discomfort of withdrawal and recovery.
And that "if" is a very real thing. Sometimes an addict doesn't decide to pursue recovery. Sometimes they die and sometimes they end up hurting/killing other people.
And it's a truism of relationships that you can't change people. You can't change a single thing about your bf, not even his addiction, so you'll need to take that stark fact into account when you make your decisions about the relationship.
If the kids are at risk, I hope you'll report it to the authorities.
I can testify that life after addiction is healthy, rich, and fulfilling. Hope he'll decide someday to go for it!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
Yes, sadly there is probably not anything you can say or do to convince him he has a problem and needs to change, he'll have to come to that conclusion on his own. You can only make choices for yourself based on what you need, set and maintain your own boundaries. As for driving drunk, there may not be anything you can do about an event that happened in the past, but you might consider notifying child protection authorities about it. For me personally, if I ever knew that someone was driving drunk, kids in the car or not, I'd call the police and have him stopped before he kills someone. And, getting a DUI is sometimes (but far from always) a wake-up call for an alcoholic.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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There's 2 separate issues of course - his addiction and his drunk driving.
The drunk driving with kids in the car issue has a clear solution...please contact the local authorities immediately. He's a danger to himself, your children and everyone else on the road. Call the police, protective services, whatever it takes.
Regarding his alcoholism, unfortuntately there's not much you can do to help him until he decides to help himself. Sometimes an event like losing a licence or getting thrown in jail might make an individual "see the light" and make the choice to get sober, but at the end of the day only the addict can make the choice to seek help.
The drunk driving with kids in the car issue has a clear solution...please contact the local authorities immediately. He's a danger to himself, your children and everyone else on the road. Call the police, protective services, whatever it takes.
Regarding his alcoholism, unfortuntately there's not much you can do to help him until he decides to help himself. Sometimes an event like losing a licence or getting thrown in jail might make an individual "see the light" and make the choice to get sober, but at the end of the day only the addict can make the choice to seek help.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
imo, it would be an obligation to do what has to be done to protect the children.
" But maybe an alcoholic just doesn't feel anymore? Isn't in reality? I wish I could get him to see how out of control things are and how serious his actions could end up disastrous. Or, maybe I'm wasting my time. I know on the friends/family of alcoholics thread, they will tell me to run fast as I can and don't look back. But I can't do that. I mean, I can, I eventually will, but isn't there something I can do?
What works? What makes an impact to an alcoholic? Where is rock bottom and how do you get there before killing someone accidentally? Has anyone said anything to you when you were drinking that really helped you see the truth? How can I protect those kids from this happening again? I appreciate any insight you may have, as I am desperate Thank "
you can talk all ya want(like many did to me over the years. it will more than likely be wasted breath.
yup, had things said to me to help me see the truth. didnt matter. one trait of alcoholism is selfish and self centeredness. so i got away from those people "nagging" me.
yes,you can walk away. but you chose not to, which i suggest ya look at your motives for not taking the advise from the members in the f&f forum who have been in your shoes. quite often its a codependency thing, then times where theres a sense if power that someone thinks they can "save" the alcoholic....quite a few other insane excuses.
stay in the drama and chaos and continue to enable the behavior or get away.
i say that being in the shoes if the alcoholic and i did my damdest to drag people down with me. misery loves company.
do you want to be miserable and that misery to get worse?
" But maybe an alcoholic just doesn't feel anymore? Isn't in reality? I wish I could get him to see how out of control things are and how serious his actions could end up disastrous. Or, maybe I'm wasting my time. I know on the friends/family of alcoholics thread, they will tell me to run fast as I can and don't look back. But I can't do that. I mean, I can, I eventually will, but isn't there something I can do?
What works? What makes an impact to an alcoholic? Where is rock bottom and how do you get there before killing someone accidentally? Has anyone said anything to you when you were drinking that really helped you see the truth? How can I protect those kids from this happening again? I appreciate any insight you may have, as I am desperate Thank "
you can talk all ya want(like many did to me over the years. it will more than likely be wasted breath.
yup, had things said to me to help me see the truth. didnt matter. one trait of alcoholism is selfish and self centeredness. so i got away from those people "nagging" me.
yes,you can walk away. but you chose not to, which i suggest ya look at your motives for not taking the advise from the members in the f&f forum who have been in your shoes. quite often its a codependency thing, then times where theres a sense if power that someone thinks they can "save" the alcoholic....quite a few other insane excuses.
stay in the drama and chaos and continue to enable the behavior or get away.
i say that being in the shoes if the alcoholic and i did my damdest to drag people down with me. misery loves company.
do you want to be miserable and that misery to get worse?
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
There's 2 separate issues of course - his addiction and his drunk driving.
The drunk driving with kids in the car issue has a clear solution...please contact the local authorities immediately. He's a danger to himself, your children and everyone else on the road. Call the police, protective services, whatever it takes.
Regarding his alcoholism, unfortuntately there's not much you can do to help him until he decides to help himself. Sometimes an event like losing a licence or getting thrown in jail might make an individual "see the light" and make the choice to get sober, but at the end of the day only the addict can make the choice to seek help.
The drunk driving with kids in the car issue has a clear solution...please contact the local authorities immediately. He's a danger to himself, your children and everyone else on the road. Call the police, protective services, whatever it takes.
Regarding his alcoholism, unfortuntately there's not much you can do to help him until he decides to help himself. Sometimes an event like losing a licence or getting thrown in jail might make an individual "see the light" and make the choice to get sober, but at the end of the day only the addict can make the choice to seek help.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
yeah i really hate to tell someone to call CPS but i kinda gotta agree with everyone else here on that. this is pretty scary to be honest.
But as far as he goes in his head his sense of normal is warped and clearly not normal. so yeah to him drinking like that is prolly normal heck might even be a bit funny (hence the smirk). I can still laugh at my own crap i pulled too theres a sick part of me that found some of the crap i pulled funny yet I coulda been killed or worse!! theres not really much funny about it at all. but this is the nature of the beast with alcoholics.
I dunno how to get him to see it. CPS? Rock bottom? someone gets hurt? I'm not really sure. I know for me if it aint for the hard way i never learn. it took debilitating panic attacks for me to wake up and snap out of it.
But as far as he goes in his head his sense of normal is warped and clearly not normal. so yeah to him drinking like that is prolly normal heck might even be a bit funny (hence the smirk). I can still laugh at my own crap i pulled too theres a sick part of me that found some of the crap i pulled funny yet I coulda been killed or worse!! theres not really much funny about it at all. but this is the nature of the beast with alcoholics.
I dunno how to get him to see it. CPS? Rock bottom? someone gets hurt? I'm not really sure. I know for me if it aint for the hard way i never learn. it took debilitating panic attacks for me to wake up and snap out of it.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: London
Posts: 71
Could you live with yourself if you did not tell child protection and he kills theses innocent children whilst drunk driving. My wake up call was drunk driving, it might be his! Please do the right thing by those children as it sounds like they don't have a mother figure in their lives.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
The obvious concern is that if you call social services he sweet talks them and shuts you out and then kids are really screwed.
Not as bad as dead though.
What if you told him that it if does not put a breathalyser on his car today you will have to call social services or feel guilty for the rest of your life.
What will happen to them if he gets locked up??
I could have killed mine more than once, and that what if keeps me up at night.
Would he be willing to talk to someone about safety even if he doesn't want to stop. There is a whole program built around lowering risk -- can't recall the name but its easy to find.
This is not easy for you, or for those kids.
Not as bad as dead though.
What if you told him that it if does not put a breathalyser on his car today you will have to call social services or feel guilty for the rest of your life.
What will happen to them if he gets locked up??
I could have killed mine more than once, and that what if keeps me up at night.
Would he be willing to talk to someone about safety even if he doesn't want to stop. There is a whole program built around lowering risk -- can't recall the name but its easy to find.
This is not easy for you, or for those kids.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 46
The kids reported this time, what are they not telling you?
As others have said, it's a good idea to report this to the mother at least.
I don't want to ruin the guy's life but based on the reaction described when you asked him about it, it's not the first time he's done something like this and it's only going to happen again. He may black out regularly. And there may be other things the kids are hiding because they're scared or to protect their dad.
I don't want to ruin the guy's life but based on the reaction described when you asked him about it, it's not the first time he's done something like this and it's only going to happen again. He may black out regularly. And there may be other things the kids are hiding because they're scared or to protect their dad.
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