Rcvringaddict30

Hi everyone,

Well, I'm about 1 day sober after almost making it through a full 5 days without drinking. I am happy to be sitting in my apartment sober, albeit a bit bored and lonely instead of getting sloppy at my usual drinking spot.
I am a 2 to 3 time a week drinker generally, but it's BINGE drinking at its finest. I get a nice little buzz going and then I just attempt to clear the bar of all alcohol and then I bring take-out home, which I of course drink entirely by myself.
After having to be driven home by the owner of the bar last Friday night, finding out through a third party that I was belligerent, didn't want to pay my tab, tried on someone else's coat, couldn't find my keys and therefore dumped the tire contents contents of my purse on the bar (remembering none of it), I realized alcoholism MAY be out of control.��
I've already been banned from one bar in the area, and of course that wasn't my fault you know. Ha ha I had a DUI last year, lost my job, have had family relationships, gained a ton of weight… And yet none of these disasters/humiliations have been enough to stop me from rationalizing my next drink or 100 drinks.
So here I am again, hoping and wanting to believe that this time I am ready and willing to give sobriety an actual chance.

Steely

Sounds like my story Rcvringaddict. I know, it's shocking. Embarressment, humiliation, can't face people next day, lost jobs, relationships. I've lived it for years and know where you are coming from as have most people here in varying degrees. Today I am 38 days sober and have only been using SR as my support. This is a great place to start. More stuff out there as you would know but for the moment it is working for me and into the future I believe.. Join the 24 hour commitment thread, read and post daily but stay here relapse or not. That's been my experience and I'm a bit of a die hard disbeliever. One thing I do know is that drinking will destroy me in all ways and that being sober is wonderful. No walk in the park though. I can't believe my lucky stars in that I can now see the benefits of sobriety. Previously I felt denied or robbed if I couldn't drink. I CAN drink if I want to, but I don't want to anymore. I wish this for you too as I know the destruction, and what alcohol has robbed and denied of ME. I had it the wrong way 'round. Sobriety is great. Please stay.

Rcvringaddict30

Hi Steely!

Thank you so much for your reply and your kind and helpful words. It sounds like you understand my journey and relationship with alcohol very well! Congratulations on maintaining your sobriety for as long as you have. ☺️
You mentioned that you have been a bit of a disbeliever. That sounds like me. In fact, I am a bit of a skeptic about AA (or maybe I'm just not wanting to go because I'm lazy...ha I have been to meetings before) and I don't want to go to rehab or do anything drastic at this time. I feel like SR is a good place to start to get the support I need. Just getting a response from you strengthens my confidence and resolve about getting sober and staying sober. And it's funny that you mention the 24 hour commitment forum, because I posted in there a little bit earlier and I thought that seem like a great place to join.
I will stay with SR no matter what happens. Being sober is definitely a better feeling than being drunk, especially it's aftermath! I it's interesting that you said you felt like you were being deprived before because that's exactly how I feel in my early sobriety, like I'm losing something. In reality all I'm losing is bad feelings, both physically and mentally. I'm glad to have met you tonight! Thank you.

courage2

Welcome, Rcvring! There's lots of support here -- stick around & post post post!

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Rcvrong, glad to hear you have made the choice to stay sober! I know the feeling as well, when you drink for decades it's no surprise things feel a bit strange at first. I lean on SR for support in many areas of life, I truly hope you can stick around and learn/help others.

bullmas

Living is harder than dyeing ,,I guess that's the choice everyone has to make, if your life is **** , you cant pretend it might work its self out , when its over its over

Steely

Hi again Rcvr,

Yep, I just clock on everyday for my 24 hours and somehow it keeps me contained within a manageable timeframe. It prevents me from zooming out into an unknowable future which blows my mind. In some ways I see it as a practice in mindfulness and keeping it in the now. I don't go to AA Rcvr, I used to years ago but it was not for me. This does not mean that I won't get and remain sober or develop as a person it just means that I have taken a different path. The goal is good sobriety not so much the path. For the moment I am just staying close to SR and finding that people do understand and are always willing to help. No one here judges because we have all suffered at the hands of alcohol but are no longer afraid. Fight back.

Dropsie

R30,

We have all been there.

For me, drinking was like the worst boyfriend ever, but you don't really want to break up. But he loves me.

When in fact all evidence is to the contrary.

Bottom line -- drinking is stupid for everyone, but especially for us.

Like the bad boyfriend we know we should dump, not easy, but so much better just to cut the tie and let it go.

You got this.

Rcvringaddict30

Thank you all for your warm welcome back and words of encouragement!!
And Dropsie, you made such a great metaphor, comparing alcohol to the worst boyfriend ever. Ain't that the truth? Ha Sad, but so true. I recently told someone that I thought going through a divorce was the hardest thing I've ever done until now wanting to become sober… Their response was "This IS a divorce!"
So, with that said, I will keep reading and keep posting when I look forward to communicating with you all want to continual basis.

puffy

Welcome back. Don't give up.... life is much sweeter sober!

least

I wish you success in your recovery.

MariahGayle

You will never regret not drinking Ra30! Use all the support here & know you are not alone in this!

babycat

I love the comparison to the bad boyfriend!! Spot on!!

Rcvringaddict30

I know, right Babycat?!? Steely, was spot on with that metaphor. Ironically, my boyfriend is being a huge jerk recently, but that's a whole nother story. Alcohol is the worst relationship by far, I've EVER had!!
I'm striving to have another 24 hours of sobriety and I will be checking in with you all periodically!

SoberinSyracuse

Good! I see you've been trying since 2009 and I read some of your old posts. Sounds like life has been WAY outta control for many years now. It's a wonder you haven't been seriously injured or killed!!!

So, what are you going to do now that's different from what you've been doing since 2009?

BTW, if you're aren't "ready and willing" at this point...what do you think it would take to get you there? 'Cuz your situation seems pretty out of hand. I can't see it getting much worse without your landing in jail or in the hospital.

Dee74

Welcome back Rcvringaddict30

Have you given any thought to what you might do differently this time?

D

Rcvringaddict30

Wow, soberinsyracuse... I got a little bit of a shock when I read your post because I had forgotten that I have been on here since 2009. I haven't even looked back at my history, but yes it's been that long that I've been on this downward spiral sadly. I was married in 2008 and I know I was so over for a little while until we went on our honeymoon, which was an all-inclusive resort where booze was flowing, not a real good choice for someone trying to stay sober. Ugh
I gave up and became complacent with my attempts at being sober because I thought that being married keeping it under control in the safety of our home at the time I guess. Then the marriage fell apart, ironically not so much from the drinking, but from other irreconcilable issues. Once I realized I wanted out of the marriage, the drinking took off with a vengeance. I start go out all the time and drink pretty much every night with my bar friends at a local dive bar. I felt it was my escape from being in the same household as my estranged husband and not wanting to face dealing with the divorce. For almost a year I had a blast partying away and singing karaoke in that bar with friends, but then things started to spiral out of control. There were suddenly embarrassing scenes, car accidents so, job losses, a DUI, etc. Yet it STILL wasn't all enough to get me to stop, because I thought that I could get it back under control and moderate my drinking. Unfortunately, with the nature of the progression, I guess I finally learned that the damn disease is just going to keep progressing and progressing until I do end up in jail, in a hospital, or dead. I don't want to do that.
I am still working on coming up with a plan at this time. I had thought about using SR is my main resource and support, but I think I need to try to combine it with counseling and meetings, because I never put forth enough effort in the past. I can't say that I'm going to not slip up, but I know that this time I feel more serious about it than I ever was before. I think it's because I know that I'm a lot older, I've seen physical changes in myself that I don't like, and I no longer feel invincible like I did before. I was doing the sobriety thing for other people before because they were telling me I needed to, not because I knew I needed to and I wanted to. I think my attitude was probably hey, I'm still a young attractive girl, the rules don't apply to me, I've been lucky with every bad incident so far, so why wouldn't I continue to be ok in the future? Totally ridiculous thinking I now realize, but I think that's where I was. Thank you for your eye-opening comment… And when you say how bad I really have been it's hard to hear/ read because I never wanted to believe I was that bad. It's hard to accept the ugly reality, but I'm finally at that point where I'm ready to.

Rcvringaddict30

Oh duh, it says I joined into 2009 right under my usernamename... makes me wonder how much I've pickled my brain with alcohol already at the age of 37!!