DENISET

Hi there
Really impressed with the control your showing Lindsey - it must be hard trying to quite - especially as your in a strange country. I've only started to quit myself again. I first tried on January of this year and managed 6 weeks - though to be honest I was conning myself. Thought I was in control but spent ages surfing sites to find out which supermarkets stocked non-alcoholic wine - can only see now that it was an obsession for me!!! I started off drinking again very gradually (by my poor standards anyway) and would just drink on a Saturday. Then a Friday crept in, then a few drinks after work or even at Lunch Time. Before I knew there was never a day in the past 6/7months when I wasn't either drunk or recovering from being drunk. I thought the worst thing about my drinking was the way I behaved - I was a really nasty person. Phoning up people to give them verbal abuse or arguing with people in pubs always believing I'm right and they were all idiots. Trouble is I'd wake up in the morning feeling totally ashamed and mortified. I know some people say that a drunk tells the truth - but I personally reckon it's just a distorted way of how your feeling about things. I can't believe some of the crap that's came out of my mouth. Anyway I'm actually glad in a weird way that I did act so terrible because if I didn't I'd probably be in a worse state than what I'm in now. I was starting again to feel compelled to have a drink more often than not. My appearance went downhill and my house was a totally mess (I've actually taken an emergency holiday to clean it today as it was so bad). Can't remember the last time I went for a full supply of weekly grocercies - just couldn't be bothered and it was fast food all the time. My last drink was on Saturday evening and I was a headcase - luckily for me it was with a relative who really cares and is always there for me. Anyway - the next day I decided that I do need to quit - not just because I don't want to embarrass myself anymore but because I know now that drink really does have the power to control and destroy me. I went to an AA meeting last nite and listened to a lady speak about how all she every wanted was peace and contentment in her life and she now has it since turning her back on booze. I really related to her as I sometimes feel that every day in my life is an effort or a battle and I just wanted to be as happy as other people seemed. Looking back though - I'm really at my happiest when I am sober - more energy - more approachable - more level headed. Hopefully things will work out for me this time - the last time I really only wanted to be able to control my intake if I'm honest - this time I know I can't and I know that I need to stop. I used to think too far in advance as well - I'm beginning to see that the 'just for today' thing is worth thinking about as I can handle it for today - but when I think ahead I get scared - it just seems like an impossible task. I'm off to Perth in Australia for 3weeks at Christmas and I'm terrified of how I'll cope. The family there enjoy a drink (though are not alcoholics) and I'm scared that I'll perhaps fall down so that they don't feel awkward. That in itself I think has made me continue to drink. But for now - I'm just gonna put it out of my mind - hopefully by doing that I'll feel more in control by the time I go. Anyway - I'd probably get totally wrecked - and make a fool of myself drunk so I should maybe keep that in mind when I'm refusing the first drink. I've another meeting tonite so hopefully I'll head off to leaving a lovely clean house and a nice cooked meal for the family - knowing my luck I'll be totally shattered and fall asleep in the meeting.
Hope your keeping well now and hello to everyone I used to chat to. Here's hoping I'm back for keeps. This is my second day and I've enjoyed every minute of it!!!

Take care.
Denise. xxx