Rio97

I need some feedback on something. We all have had negative experiences, bad stuff happen to us, I'm sure. I have one thing that happened a long time ago, over 20 years, that I've still never processed. I started drinking the year after this happened, which I suppose is partly to blame. It was my only escape.

I've been through rehabs, doctors, etc. trying to get to the bottom of this for too long. Basically I stuffed it, figuring there was no solution, other than to drink.

Basically, my family wasn't there for me. They never would admit I did anything wrong. I felt ridiculed, criticized, shunned, basically kicked like a dog. Yet, I did nothing wrong? Still to this day it affects my relationship with them. I've never come to terms with this contradiction, or hypocracy. I've felt like they've held me hostage with this ever since. Ever since I've tried to break free. My escape was alcohol.

I've done geographical changes, school, chased high paying jobs, all in search for the answer. None of it worked. I was unhappy, so I drank.

It's the holidays, which means family time for many, so maybe why it's coming full circle now.

Anyway, counseling has helped me sort some of this out. But tonight, this is where I am and what it comes down to. I needed to share, I've been burdened by this a long time. Thx for allowing me too.

HereIAm321

Sounds like perhaps there's some mental illness in your family members.

Dee74

My family was like that too in a lot of ways, Rio.

I don't think there was any mental illness involved at all - as I grew into the man I would become, I just didn't fit with the rest of the family.

Noone knew how to connect with me.

My family will never admit that anything went wrong, that anything bad happened to me, or that I was treated differently.

Part of my drinking was an obvious attempt to bridge the inconsistencies in my life....but as you've found out, that simply doesn't work.

It just made my despair sorrow anger and resentment grow.

When I got sober I figured I could continue to let them define me as a person or I could define myself.

I chose the latter.

It wasn't a quick overnight change - it took some years some determination and and some courage - but I finally became comfortable in my own skin, and that really has been worth it

Don't give up

D

Verte

Will you be around family for this Holiday season?

Last Holiday I spent 2 days too many around family and had a hardcore fight or flight reaction. Like a, get me out of here now. Fly me to the moon. Whistle for a cab in the middle of nowhere and leave all belongings behind. - type of reaction.

From that moment on I decided that I no longer do things for the benefit of others that are not also in my best interest.

I can accept that family may not be able to give me all the good stuff I need or bring out my best. For me this means that for the foreseeable future, Holiday or not, I am under no obligation to accept any unwanted behavior or presence of others, ever. This is like conscious avoidance and it works for now.

If you do need to be around people who's responses have been less than what you need right now, can you come up with a game plan with your counselor?

Maintaining sobriety has been essential for me to get what I need and want in my life. Do whatever you need to not drink. I should add that since my recovery began in May 2014 up until now, more peace, clarity, understanding and acceptance has taken place, with the people and events in my life, than ever before. It is unprecedented and beautiful and worth the leap of faith.

Berrybean

Like you, I carried a lot of anger and resentment about my family (my mother especially) for many years over specific incidents. I had some counselling, but I would have to admit to being less than honest with my counsellor - I could only tell her the things that I felt wouldn't make her thing badly of me - so it was all a bit pointless, apart from flagging up to me how I couldn't BE honest. Thankfully just after that I started my step work in AA, and also attended some CoDa meetings (their handbook might be useful for you if you can get a copy). The other thing I found useful to read and work through were some 'Inner Child' books. Melody Beattie and Lucia Capacchione's books were amazingly helpful to me.

I have managed to accept that my family are not perfect, and what happened happened. The past cannot not be changed for me, but my present and future can. With my AA step work, and seeking out a better understanding of what happened all those years ago, and the dysfunctional way families and people generally operate, I reached a place of acceptance, and amazed myself by getting over my resentments. I really didn't think that could ever happen how it has. I now have a better relationship with my mum and my brother than I have for 25 years (or maybe even ever). 2015 has been quite an amazing year really.

Wishing you well in your recovery, and hoping that you can leave those resentment behind and find peace, serenity and joy.

Ken33xx

Yeah, get a game plan going on how you`re going to deal with the family if you`ll be with them over the holidays.

Family members can push buttons no question about it.

Get that game plan ready.

Rio97

I've been lying here sleepless, in relief though, just from posting that. Going back and rereading it, it makes me cringe - I already feel like a burden has been lifted. I've been carrying that around.

I'm going to my counselor this week, so I'll make a plan. I've spent so much energy trying to figure all this out and solve it. What I gained from your responses is that, it will take time by finally giving up alcohol and working through it and on myself.

I would like to get into AA but I have a sister in the program and I have some issue with that. I feel like I can't open up. It's frustrating. People tell me to go to different meetings, maybe I'll try that again.

For now, I'll rely on this board while I figure out an overall plan for longer term. I think I finally see a way out of this mess, and tonight the desire to drink has been lifted for the first time since I can remember. Thanks everyone for the responses.

Rio97

-

Soberwolf

D122y

Agree...this board rocks.

People like dee, soberwolf, anna, etc etc...me....

...are always willing to offer what we can. We are all ex drunks...craving the mindless bliss...but we all have learned the penalty for the stupor state makes being a drunk infinitely not worth it.

Right?

We all can read hear until our eyes are dry and sore...we can post here until our fingers hurt...can't really do that anywhere else.

Read on. Post on.

Berrybean

Glad you found some relief from opening up a little on here.

With ragards to being at meetings with your sister, I'd say that most of what I'd share in a meeting would also be okay for my family to hear as well. BUT... what I share with my sponsor and very close AA friends is strictly confidential and for their ears only. I can understand why you might feel odd at first with her being there - but then, we all feel odd at first for one reason or another. It could be really good for both of you to support each other and move forward together in the fellowship. Different meetings is also a good idea. Are there any CoDa meetings where you live? They could help (also 12-step).

Rio97

Wow, none of that feels ok to me, Beccybean. I don't know why, but you highlighted exactly what bothers me so much. We do not get along. For now I feel I need to stay away. There aren't any Coda meetings here.

sugarbear1

I'd do a search for online CODA meetings!

I never fit in with my family, either!

fini

oh, i'd not be going to meetings where any of my family are.

Rio,
what struck me in your first post was that you were mistreated without being given/seeing a reason for it.
it resonated with me because that happened to me similarly.
and in my teenage years it was easier to be told any numbers of "reasons of the moment" (bad grade, talking back, telling a lie) which made the mistreatment seem related to a real "cause" in my behaviour.
it took me a long time to understand (and i felt this in my gut all of a sudden) that this had started way way earlier, and that i had taken it on as being about me.
because: if my parents mistreated me it could only be because there was something very wrong with me.
otherwise, because parents are god when we're small, they would have treated me well if i had been an okay kid.

being mistreated meant i must have deserved it.

well, it means nothing of the sort.
nothing!

hm.

full circle: yesterday i heard loud screaming and screeching and banging coming from my neighbour's home; both the mom and the 12-year old were yelling. out of control. first time in my life in a situation like this i intuitively knew what to do and went to the door, knocked hard, several times (since all went quiet in there) and when she hissed at the kid to get the ******* door, i asked him if he was safe. if they needed a time out. that either of them could come to my place for a while and chill. and since he was the one standing in front of me, i repeated and made sure he got it, that if he's not safe, my place is.

she phoned me later to thank me. the kid had ripped off plastic she had taped over his window to help keep heat in.
that's it.

sorry for going on so long, and maybe this isn't at all related to what you're talking about. it's just that....families, adults, can do such lasting damage to kids. you took it on, i did, too. maybe that kid next door has a chance.

Rio,
whatever; drinking will not solve it.
there is better out there.
great you're here, looking at it.
and getting help.

biminiblue

fini, your post is so wise. Thank you.

Rio97

I looked up Coda, I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. Maybe I need a few more sober days. I'll remember it in the future though.

I understand what your saying, fini. Thanks for the post.

Well, I'm feeling ok. Going to drink some coffee, eat lunch, and watch a football game. You all have been a big help.

Verte

Fini, that is beyond cool. Your words and the accompanying feeling and knowledge that there is a safe place, if needed, will undoubtedly manifest in a variety of positive ways for the duration of this child's life. Beyond cool.

Similar to what Fini wrote about 'deserving' mistreatment. In my early recovery experience, my discomfort signaled that there must be something inherently wrong with me to feel such discomfort. So I would post questions on SR about random discomforts that I feared would never get easier. For example, "What does it mean to be neurotic" and "My biggest secret social insecurity is ______ ______."

I have enormous compassion for that part of myself and those many early concerns. They felt huge, immutable and holding it all in and drinking gave them staying power for a really long time. Today I am able to smile about those days that were not that long ago, really. Just had to get it out. Those were the tiny, yet massive ones. The bigger stuff is also coming along with time and awareness. Rio, good for you for writing it out.

Insert Ian Anderson flute:

The bad old days they came and went
Giving way to fruitful years

Gottalife

This is great advice and might save your life.

I found myself I similar circumstances with an ex who I couldnt be in the same room with, let alone an AA meeting. We knew things about each other, that just added another layer of tension - who's she talking to? What's she saying? Then there was the resentment about past events.

But I had a problem. AA offered my ONLY chance of survival. To let somone come between me and AA was a death sentence. I had given this person the power of life and death over me. How crazy is that.

Yet today I can happily sit in the same room, speak civilly, all resentment is gone, though I wouldn't say trust has been restored. We are not friends, but we can get along.

It is unwise to be too open at meetings, you never know who is listening or what they might do with the information. I keep it general. I found a sponsor who could keep a confidence, and all the serious work on the program was done with him, away from the meetings.

Working one on one with another alcoholic is the essence of AA. Meetings have their place, but they can never replace that.

Rio97

You're right, Gottalife, it feels she is holding that power. I just feel she knows everyone and how am I going to find my AA friends/support, seperate from her. Whenever I go, people ask Are you X's brother? I prefer to be anonymous, like if I lived in another town.

But these are my circumstances, the hand I'm dealt for now. I guess I need to find a way to put these resentments aside, but it's hard to do. It is a serious situation.

I may choose to go back, maybe a meeting cross town where they may not know her (she's one of those that likes everyone to know her).

I long to live in a different town, but I don't. I have to deal with the situation as it is. I just need to take it slow, ease into it, and not throw myself into it like I've tried before. I always ended running, not walking, back out the door.

Thanks for the post Gottalife. You're right, Beccybeans posts are full of wisdom, I just need to be careful.

beautifulpines

It's hard here in the woods of Maine - very few meetings around and the ones I do get to have the same folks from 20 years ago. This is good and this is not so good. Seems like no one new comes, except for me and they are used to my continued relapses. At least they smile at me, shake their heads and I update them. SR has been my real strength and hope. I thank you all.