LostDream

I don't know why I came back here, nothing's changed.
This fool is still stuck here listening to her rambling and ranting all the time.
Look for yourself - she's going off on how everyone is against her and now an employee need to save her house and she wouldn't help the girl cause she(the employee) at one time was in prison for larceny(stealing to feed her children and got caught with the wrong people and in the wrong situation).

I can understand. Shoot I wasn't always a saint. But the fact remains that the child needed to save the place they live (with her mother who obviously didn't want to ask her own child for money till it got down to the wire of kicking them all out). I at first, wasn't going to do anything and just let the wife take care of it, but Monday last came (holiday) and then Tuesday, they were beating down the girl's neck about putting her mother out by the next day.

I still wouldn't do anything cause it wasn't my problem. But thinking about it and how hard it is to get help, and this girl is good. Dedicated, hard worker and she likes her job working for my wife and would do anything to keep the business tight. She's been so good on the books and being there when the wife is home drunk and missing appointments looking bad to clients - so who else is there fielding all the hassles for us?

But baby won't see this. All she see is that the girl was in jail. I can see now why people have such a hard time finding anything (work) when they do come from incarceration - people who think like that - that they'll always be criminal and there's no chance of change and to distrust everything they do.

I can't be that way. I was a criminal of sorts at a time in my life and I know I changed for the better cause look at me now. Shoot, why can't she see that the woman only wants the best for our office and for my wife.

Now we're arguing again cause I wrote the child her check early, so she could save her mother's house. And wifey's here thinking I went against her, behind her back, and now she want to change all the bank accounts and stuff. Stupid!

But I don't really care. Shoot, I should have let the woman walk out cause that's what would have happened had they not had a place to stay. How would she have been still able to work? Where would they have gone had she not gotten the money to pay it for her mother.

Hell it was her money! I just gave her check early. So what's the hassle here. Wife was too drunk to come in and didn't even go in on Friday when she should have been there to give the girl her check - instead she had to come to the house to get it, and when she did, of course she gave the check to me to give back to wife, and here we are.

Damn, someone tell me again why I'm staying here? Cause I sure as hell don't know. I just wish I had my own money cause I'd be gone in a heartbeat. And no I haven't been able to put any away. She hordes money like a hawk shelling it out only when absolutely necessary. If I have a bill it's hell to get it paid, but she'll bitch about it till she does, then I hear all month till the next bill - shoot I am so behind, I never pay them on time becuase of this and then she wonders why my bills are so high? Hell I can only pay them when I get some money and that's not every month with her. So my bills are always two three months behind!

Yes, I am looking into jobs, but I am not going to work for no damn McDonalds or no Jack in Box at my age! HELL NO!

I HAVE A BUSINESS, WE HAVE A BUSINESS. WHY DO I NOT GET CREDIT FOR SAVING IT AND KEEPING IT TOGETHER WHEN HER DRUNK ASS IS SLOPPING UP THE BOOZE AT HOME?

SOMEONE PLEASE TELL HER! SHE WILL NOT LISTEN TO ME. I DON'T WANT TO SAY WHO SHE IS, BUT BY THESE POSTS YOU CAN TELL, SO GO AND GIVE SOME ADVICE THAT WILL KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO HER. PLEASE. :sweat

Anna

Hi LostDream,

You have a choice - stay where you are or work at McDonalds, etc. If you want to leave, you can. If you continue trying to change your wife, you'll end up accomplishing nothing. Why don't you work on yourself? That's something you can do and move ahead with your life.


Love, Anna

shyQcodep

Hi Lost - it's good to see you back, but it would really warm my heart to hear about action.

My question - how long you can stay in this situation before you start drinking again yourself? Or worse? I heard recently that the suicide rate in Alanon is higher than the suicide rate in AA, and I feel a frantic mind in your post - and much less structured thought than the last time that you were here. I'm saying this from one frantic mind to another - I've had a pretty rough time myself in the past month, but I think that my rough time came mostly from my own mind rather than from my partner's. The source didn't matter - I still wanted to drink.

Please reconsider Alanon. I know quite a few recovered alcoholics who go to Alanon because they are also powerless over people. They won't give you advice at Alanon, but you can get your hope back and maybe even the strength to do whatever you really need to do whether it's stay and work on your own serenity or leave with love.

James - recovering from alcohol, drugs and people - powerless over the lot of them :banghead:

Patsyd1

Hi LostDream,

Thats true, she may not quit, thats her choice, but you can quit anytime that you choose to. All it take is a decision from you, and then put that decision into action, by taking care of and changing the only thing that you can.... you.

Patsy

Music

Hi LD,
My wife got sober almost a year before I did. She started going to AA. Made a host of new friends, seemed like she was always at a meeting or doing something. Thing is, I saw changes in her that attracted me. She never said a word about my drinking except to ask me not to drink in the house. Of course, I wanted to help the "poor think" 'cause I knew she was sick....ha! So, I complyed wiith her wishes. 23 days short of a year I decided to "take the plunge" and went to my first AA meeting as a person who didn't want to drink any more. That was almost 28 years ago and I haven't had to take a drink since.

Don't know if you drink or not but that doesn't matter. You're being affected by someone who does drink so why don't you give Al-anon a try? Get to work on yourself and quit buying into her crap. Take care of yourself 'cause you're the only one who can do that. There's not a damn thing you can do about her drinking. She's the only one who can make a decision about that.

Take care.

LostDream

And I'm grateful that you all are here. It gets so hard... I guess that's why I came back. Even though it's still hell here, at least I can feel the understanding of those who have been there, or are still in similar situations.

Looking around the site, I see that she probably won't "get it" cause I see that she's still so much in denial that the only thing she'll admit to is something that goes with her sick way of thinking and looking at the world.

I do have to take care of me, cause I do feel sick... I don't know, but I do know my body feels strange and the doctor already told me if I didn't get rid of some of th stress I'd be developing an ulcer soon. I believe him... I can feel the tension in my body everyday! But you know what? I guess I'm crazy cause I can't pull myself to leave.

Just like last time when she tried to get sober, I keep thinking, maybe this time... maybe this time she'll actually get it and no more. But in nine years that hasn't happened and I am so sick of this roller coaster that I wish my E-ticket would run out. Thass a joke son...

Anyway, I'm still here, and I'll check in from time to time to keep my sanity, but as far as her... I'm still undecided.

I leave for Hollywood in November on another screenwriting festival and buddies, I'm telling you true, that I am seriously thinking of not coming back!

Anyway, thanks again for all your support. I needed it.

LD

labyrinth

TO be honest the best thing my girlfriend of almost four year (now EX) every did was leave. She is much happier now I can tell u and has a new baby and getting married soon.

just a thought to ponder

lab

shyQcodep

FYI, some meetings you could hit on that trip:

http://www.alanonla.org/html/hollywood.html

Lost, I didn't have the strength to leave my partner but Alanon helped me focus on my own recovery, which included facing my drug and alcohol use. I can't begin to explain how it happened, but once I accepted that ***I*** had an alcohol problem and showed up at AA, my partner stopped drinking (about a month after I hit AA). Of course, your mileage may vary - and we're still not right (either of us), so I still go to AA and Alanon.

I also know a woman who was sober 3 years and went to Alanon because she was frantic about her son's drinking. She's now sober 13 years and has been in Alanon 10 years - and her son has been sober 9 years. I heard her tell her story a few days ago and her son has told her that ***he*** is grateful for Alanon, because the detachment that she learned there let him find his own bottom. If she hadn't cut him loose (as in out the door) he would probably still be drinking.

James - grateful for what recovery I've gotten and for the work ahead of me

LostDream

and it hurts.

I am beginning to believe all these things she says to me, she really absolutely believes! She actually believes that I do nothiing! That I am somehow out to misuse her and take what "she" we have.

How can someone be so sick and say they love you, and think that you would go against them and yet stay with you. Isn't that in itself, self abuse. If you really believe someone is against you then what are you doing with that person. If you think they're taking your money... something that you facilitated in the first place then why be with that person?

I am so confused right now. I got angry yesterday and started excercising because I am scared she is going to die on me - like sooo many of my friends who've had this disease, and when she asked me why, I told I had to keep myself in shape because she WAS killing herself and when she died, I wanted to be physically in shape to get married again. Oh yeah, it was on after that!

Then she tells people how she does all the work and I take "her" money and all this shyte what?

Let me explain how this was suppose to work - from the time we got together 16 years ago. As I said I'm a writer marketer, and the plan was that when I found a way to build her into the image and professional that people could depend on and the money was flowing, because we knew "our" idea was a winner, that it would then be "my turn!"

I could concentrate on my writing and since she made all the money, which was the plan because she has a talent that was marketable and would make us a mint, I could then concentrate on building MY career. That was 10 years ago and it never happened. NOW, because I do want to do what I was supposed be doing before we got together and should have continued doing because I would have a personal career right now had I done that, she discounts EVERYTHING I do toward that goal. In her sick mind, it doesn't matter what I want... it doesn't matter that people want my material, it doesn't matter that I have at last a chance to shine in my own right. I am not doing it for her!

Anytime I have ever tried to help out with a "job" as she says, it has been hell there too. In her mind, it takes away from her. She says I need a job, but when I try to work outside the office on anything that is not directly related to helping her, she can't stand it! Since she doesn't understand creativity, it's stupid to her to want a career in which the rewards are so long coming. It's not enough that I gave up my life at 33 to make her who she is. All she can see is that I am draining her resources. That I am using her. That I don't contribute.

I am so resentful of her that I can't even have sex with her anymore.
The attraction is just not there. How can I make love to a cold as fish like that. I gave up my youth to put you where you are, and I just want my turn!

It's my time now! She promised years ago. But alcohol has made her into a bitch who only thinks of herself and I sit here everyday not able to go anywhere and only able to do what she wants - in the business, and seeming with my own life. When I ask for a divorce, it's who am I seeing? What bitch am I fakin', all kinds of excuses. And then yesterday she says of I do divorce her it would take at least two years before I ever saw any money cause she'd hide it so well that even superman couldn't find it.

What am I to do. A broke pushing fifty something professional, who can't even work in his chosen profession because he's stuck keeping the peace by helping her remain on top, doing what he now hates in a business he no longer cares about?

She talks about me wanting to be younger than I am all the time, but she doesn't understand Hollywood and agism. Were it known, my true age would limit me considerably. So I allow those people to think I am younger, but I like my age actually. It was a long road to get here and although I hate that time is running out, it's that very fact that I want to get mine before I go out.

She can't see that, and I can't explain it to a drunk. Hell, I can't even talk to her anymore because in her sick mind none of it matters if it isn't something that's going to advance her. That's why I said in the last post that I'll probably die a sad old man without acchieving MY DREAMS because I've taken all my life trying to satisfy hers!

Well, I am trying to find ways as you all say, to leave. If that means having an affair or finding a supportive woman willing to help and give me the support I need to make this happen then so be it. Writing is hard enough without the constant weight of a nagging ungrateful bitch always feeling that I don't love her, or I am trying to use her in some way.

Yeah, I see the stories of men here that have actually used and abused their women that way, but I wasn't raised that (as they say). I have tired to be the loving husband in spite of everything. She doesn't cook, doesn't know how to be a wife or anything domestic. When I was young I didn't really care cause I cook and we were on the fast tract to success. Plus for me divorce was never an option till recently, because it's something that has always been unthinkable in our family. You stick it out and make it work - regardless.

But how long people? How long do you put yourself on the back burner and keep someone else alive when you're slowing dying?

Anna

Lost Dream,

Why do you have to have an affair or find a supportive woman in order to leave your wife? I don't understand that. You can leave if you decide that is what you want to do. If you want to pursue your dreams as much as you say you do, then do that. It's up to you to make your dreams come true - no one else will do it for you.

Love, Anna

LostDream

I know Anna, it's stupid to say that, but that's what I feel I want... notice I said "feel" I want. It's not something I actually want to act on, but I'm scared. A fear drawn out of my lack of courage to leave. And that's the best answer I can give... scared... scared that I'm getting older and I'll have to go through it alone. Plus I'm so excited about what I do, that shyte, there should be someone close to me that can get excited with me before it's too late.

But it really doesn't matter. I am happy with me. I am just not happy at or in my present situation. I wish I could change it, but I am powerless to effect any. And God knows I have tried. I haven't had a drink in nine going on ten years, but everyday I have to deal with a drunk. Everyday I have to watch the person I once loved so deeply destroy herself and any vestage of what was once "US."

I take the blame for everything that goes wrong, and lately have even thought of "joining the party" with her, cause it's be better to "go out" together than to do so alone. I guess that's it basically. I'm not one to be alone. I mean that I don't mind being by myself... living by myself but having someone to share your mindset, you ambitions and dreams... that means a lot and if the two of you are on the same wave length, damn it's good! So I guess that's what I meant when I said that. Not that I wanted to. Just that in my mind that's what my perfect world would be - with someone. Maybe saying affair triggered the wrong image. I'm sorry. I'm a writer. I should know about images right?

shyQcodep

Lost, don't feel sorry about images - keep writing from your heart.

My concern (and I think Anna's as well) is that you find a way to change your situation through focus on yourself - not through focus on your wife, your shared business, another woman or little green men (whether you see them or your wife sees them). The problem is that you are so enmeshed with your wife's alcoholism that you can't even begin to see what your side of the street is - or even that the street has two sides!

I know that I couldn't even begin to see a way out of the shared bottom that my partner and I hit without help. With help from Alanon, therapy and AA I've only begun to get to a point where I can see the tunnel (forget about the light at the end of the tunnel for now).

As an example of what I see as enmeshment in your thinking, you said:
So where in starting exercising is it appropriate to tell her that it's because you're scared that she will die on you? Do you need a reason related to your wife to start exercising?

I found that just about every second thought that I had was in some way distorted by my partner's drinking/thinking - and that was my conservative estimate. I know that some people in the rooms would differ with that assessment and would suggest that all of my thinking was distorted - but I'm sooo much better now, and only half of my thinking is distorted

James - still powerless over people and alcohol

Chy

Understand she won't get it ever, until she is ready. As an alcoholic you know this! Now what can you do? Make a plan, find a way to be at peace, have you ever tried Alanon? Have you sought out help for yourself in this situation. It's okay to want to continue to grow even at 50 something, we never stop growing until we're in the grave. The complaining, the whining, the sad state of affairs won't get you anywhere, what you need is a plan of action you can live with. If your marriage is doomed for divorce, then so be it. I understand the need to have someone as a partner in life, to want to be happy in a relationship, but before you move on, if that's what you decide, you should bring the current relationship to fruition, an affair or other woman would only escalate your current problems.

So go for your dreams, pray for her she someday finds her way, find a means of support while caring out your plan, and take action in achieving your lost dreams.

LostDream

Thank you Chy...
You are always right on in your views of what's going on. And yes, I'm guilty of "wallowing" in it. Feeling depressed that I can't or am not prepared to really change anything is the hard part I deal with.

I am making plans for my life because I am worried that the alcohol is going to take her out. Part of me still loves her and wants to see her get it and us get better. But I've had to tell myself, partially from listening to the horror stories here, that it may not get better and waiting is only hurting me more than it's helping her.

It's more loyalty I feel now, than love... I guess. That, and the fact that divorce wasn't an option. And it feels so terrible that I even want to think it. But fact is it just gets worse day by day, sick after sick, recovery after recovery and after each she's worse than the time before... more angry, more verbally abusive, more it's all my fault, more everyone's against her...etcetera etcetera...

Yeah, I know whining about it does no good. But sometimes, if one can't do anything else, we b!tch. We moan and bellyache... and for a moment, I guess it's a relief... and if we have to go back and deal with it again? At least for that moment of ranting and raving, it was over. And it felt good!


Don't worry, I'm still a knight, although the armor's a little tarnished. When you're out there slaying dragons... sometimes the dragon wins.

But today, I'm happy with me, and what I'm doing to move forward.

Get out the way world!

Chy

You can bemoan the situation all you want LD, so long as you realize it's within your power to make the change. We're here to listen and provide support for you. I didn't mean to sound offish, just didn't want you wallowing forever. I understand now why my hubby stayed as long as he did, had I known the reasons, I would of insited he move on. I'm glad he stuck it out, as difficult as it was for him, as I eventually got it. There's always hope, but there's also you. *hugs*