Holds1325

So I had the thought that everyone has when going through sobriety "hey how about lets moderate"

I'm not sure where this came from as I was feeling fine and going about a normal weekend. I just had this thought of that I could learn to moderate and discpline myself etc.

I get it that as an addict, moderation or any type of alcohol isn't acceptable and that to achieve sobriety and a better life etc. is to remain abstinent. However I don't know what went wrong, I just felt like I could do it.

I didn't actually do it, because my wife didn't think it was a good idea and eventually I just thought oh well I can say NO right? so I just said NO and continued my evening and went to bed.

However, I'm sure this urge is going to come up again. How do I just move on without these dumb thoughts.

I get it, "its the AV" "Think about all the bad times" etc. My dumb thinking is just that the bad times and all that were caused my excess and I can do moderation.

I'm sure all of you have went through this at one point or another. I mean I think the only answer is "no alcohol period" but my brain always moves to, "why though?" why no alcohol period?

In other words I need to sort this out, because my thinking is going to either cause me to get back into alcohol or I'm going to be in some situation where I might just go for the drink if its presented.

How do I keep the AV from telling me I can moderate?

biminiblue

I'm going to ask you...haven't you tried that already? Most people don't identify as alcoholic if they are able to moderate.

Holds1325

I have tried it before but not really seriously, I mean I would just moderate to get through a tough work week or because I felt like I needed to etc. But never for a long amount of time because thats what I wanted to do.

I mean and I've never quit and then gone to moderating either. So I guess my thinking is sort of off when it comes to that.

JD

Almost everyone here has thought and tried that. It doesn't turn out well. Please try to get that thought out of your head. It'll lead to nothing but disappointment and another day 1.

biminiblue

Well, there are many here who have tried every means of moderating ever devised - including me. I proved to myself it doesn't work.

I was sober for 18 years. I started back up by having one here and there. Within three or four years I was alcohol dependent again and it took four more years before I was able to put it down. The problem for problem drinkers is that they are guaranteed to return to having an alcohol problem again. There is no warning, no "markers," it just insidiously creeps back up - and seems to be fine, until it's not.

In AA they say if you want to go back out, your misery will be gladly refunded.

I truly hope you won't run the experiment.

Holds1325

My mind races to thinking that I'm unique and that I can handle it this time etc.

I realize though that this may not be the case and I really don't want to get back into my addiction, hence me posting here

Soberwolf

Holds I'm going to be really blunt but if your looking to try moderate go do that see where it gets you as I can't believe what I'm hearing from you

You didn't try moderating ? what were you doing when you were drinking ? why do you post on a sobriety website

Cmon Holds you beat that AV with acceptance because you know what will happen

& I know you know what will happen so why entertain the idea

Your choice but nothing bad has happened to you as a result of you being sober think about that go for a walk have ice cream do whatever but do not drink

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over expecting a diffrent result

JD

Maybe you are unique in that respect. But believe me I bet there are millions of alcoholics in the world who thought the same thing. Just look on SR at how many come back here posting "another day one" or something to that affect. They thought they were unique too. I thought I was unique and it took me 10 years to get back on the sober path. Don't waste that much time of your life.

Holds1325

I was "moderating" in my mind SW before I quit, I got myself to drinking a certain amount and then I went from that to nothing.

See this is where my thinking goes off. 2-3 years ago I was binge drinking like a fish, I'd finish a cold pack a night and then run off to work. I got scared that I'd die from alcohol poisoning one of these days so I jumped down to drinking only a 6pack or so per night enough to get the numbness and then just hit the hay by 10pm or earlier no later. I did that for 2 years.

I thought I'd add in marijuana ya know, whats the problem its natural right? I then developed panic attacks because of that stupid idea.

So my thinking went from pure abstinence? or How about moderation but say no to the weed.

I get that I'm posting this on a sobriety website, but I guess I'm just looking for thoughts on this.

Its not even tough for me right now, I mean I get some anxiety trying to creep back in but I can brush it off mostly.

Its that though of wanting the night to be "enhanced" does anyone get that?

ScottFromWI

IMHO, not being able to moderate is literally the definition of alcoholism itself. The fact that you keep thinking about it is simply because you are an alcholic and addiction is something we deal with our entire lives. The thoughts certainly decrease in frequency and intensity over time, but they are never erased completely from our being.

That's the reason that having some kind of plan ( whatever it may be) that you work on every day is so important.

JD

We get it holds. I'm sure I'm a lot older than you and believe me that thought process will catchup to you in the long run. Then you'll have health issues on top of the alcholism. Quit will you're young and avoid a lot of heart aches, other aches, and regrets.

biminiblue

I wouldn't call "a six pack or so a night" moderation. That in itself is a significant drinking problem, Holds.

doggonecarl

It isn't about keeping the AV silent...it's about you not doing what it's telling you.

Holds1325

I never said it wasn't a problem, it was, but I guess my thinking is that I can do lower than that.

I do understand where I'm posting though I just want to see what everyone thoughts are and so far, its sort of clicking.

Scott what you're saying makes sense and I'm working on a plan right now actually.

Maybe thats where I went wrong my plan might be all off, it was basically, quit alcohol, live life. Somewhere in the mix of that I had to get my anxiety in check, since thats working, I need to figure out where I'm going wrong because Im beginning to feel very "normal" again with being able to function at work and in social situations etc.

I guess its as if I feel like i CAN do it without any problems, but my question on both sides, is why?

If i do it, what difference does it make, if I don't do it, what difference etc.

biminiblue

If you go back to drinking, your anxiety will ramp back up to the same high levels and then some.

The first year is full of physical healing. Actual nervous system repair.

The psychological side is just as important. Of course you will have thoughts of drinking. It was your life for how long? I think it was at about six months that I stopped obsessing about having a drink. Now I can go long stretches without thinking about it for more than a fleeting second or two. The addiction always wants to bargain its way back in. My job is to shut it down. It's a process and it gets faster and easier with practice.

Pondlady

You mentioned when you moderated to a six pack, it was just enough to get that "numbness". I don't think normal drinkers seek that numbness, like we do. Would you really be content with a drink or two, once in a awhile?

SDH73

Hi, Holds! I'm currently trying to bounce back from a stint as a "moderate" drinker. I'll just share my experience with you, take from it what you will.

I was thinking that even being sober alcohol was too big of a presence in my life. Like, somehow the fact that I couldn't ever drink it again gave it power over me and I didn't like that. I'd been sober for some months at the time and didn't like that it's non-presence in my life was still such a big deal. So, maybe I could be more casual about it. You know, just a couple here and there, doesn't have to be the big thing that I was making it.

I'd never really tried moderating before, just drank as much as I wanted whenever I had an opportunity and that was that.

First couple of weeks, yeah, a couple of beers here and there. I can tell you that while I wasn't necessarily hungover the day after, I wasn't quite right either. But no matter, I was still making all of my commitments, not flaking out all the time like I used to. Not too bad, all in all. I thought that this is what it should be like.

Then I started pushing the envelope. 2 or 3 weeks after my first couple of beers I began to make it 4 or 6 beers and I found myself looking forward to and planning those days ahead of time. The day after drinking 4-6 beers is pretty gross. Again, not exactly hungover but my sleep was affected, I would sweat a little more than usual, and some mild shakiness was happening. Still, I was getting things done. Spending more time sitting around trying to recover than actually doing anything productive, but I could produce when I had to. And the couple of times a week became 4 or 5 times a week.

Next came getting good and drunk. If I knew I had a day off after a free evening I would make sure I had enough beer to get drunk. I think around 8-10 beers was doing it. Noticeably hungover, sweaty and shaky the next day. AND, I was still doing my 4-6 beers other nights of the week. By this time there were no days when I didn't feel "off". My attitude sucked. Everything I did I wanted to get through quickly so I could get home and have a few beers.

Then came a full weekend with no commitments. 3 days and no one to answer to. Special occasion: bought a bottle of whiskey and a 12 pack of beer. The thought was to get drunk the first night, then recover over the next 2 days and put the remainder of the whiskey aside for the next "special occasion". But no, woke up horribly hungover that second day and just KNEW that I was going to need more booze. Went out and got a bottle of vodka before I polished off the whiskey (because, you know, I'm a responsible adult). Drank all 3 days away. Made it back to work, didn't call out sick, but man was it rough! Luckily, I still had my 4-6 beers to make me feel a little bit better when I got home from work.

By now I'm a couple of months into my moderation experiment. I started keeping a bottle of vodka at home because...well, why not? I'm an adult! I'm not breaking any laws! I work hard and if I wanna have some drinks I'm goddamned gonna do it!

This went on for about 3 weeks, downing lots and lots of vodka over my weekend and keeping withdrawals at bay with a few beers during my work week.

Last week it broke. I called out of work "sick" 2 days (really, REALLY need the money) and cancelled my band practice (which is one of my favorite things to do).

And that was that. I knew the jig was up and it was time to give up the experiment. I had completely reverted back to what I was running from. I suffered through the withdrawals and last night was actually the first night that I've had a good sleep in a long time.

Ya know what's funny? My brain is even now chattering about doing it again. I have tomorrow off from work, I could get drunk tonight after band practice and it'd be just fine.

Well, that's just one guy's experience. Best wishes!

zjw

lol yea your a special unique snowflake just like the rest of us .

I already know i'll make a choice to drink again if i do and i'll basicly know that i'm throwing in the towell there wont be any moderation about it. if there is i'm bright enough to know it'll be more likely that i'm easing my way back into the full blown addiction rather then moderation in its true form. I'll probably quickly be drinking like a fish tho i wonder if i'll be able to handle the quantities i once could since i'm a bout 100lbs less now maybe I'd drink less and there it is the old AV going yeah prolly would be less it'd be cheaper see it wouldnt be so bad go get some....

I just gotta say no in my case.

JD

Holds, what we're all trying to do is help you avoid the "why". The "why" is all the heart ache, lost relationships, lost jobs, lost time, and anything else bad you can think of that has happened to many of us. When I was younger I would have asked the same thing you are. You're young, you bounce back quick, haven't had time to lose much yet, etc. But if you have a problem with alcohol time will catch up with you and it's sneaky. Before you know it you're in deeper than you realized. You've lost things you cherish. Each of us has a different "why" and we all wish we had seen it sooner.

ScottFromWI

There is no answer to "WHY" we are alcoholics Holds. We just are. Nearly all of us asked the same exact questions you are asking now, and most of us went back and tried to "moderate" again...and failed spectacularly. Many of us did multiple times. It's very common to feel the way you are feeling after a few weeks and think that you are somehow "better" and can return back to drinking.