Dallow

What is that voice telling me it's kind of poetic to wake up on the floor sweating with a big black hole since last evening. Why do I somehow keep romanticizing what is destroying everything in my life.

I mean for me I sure did like my alcoholic ravages in the beginning. It made me feel alive, I dared to do things I would never do sober. Somehow I think it gets down to that I thought normal life just wasn't enough for me. I've always been a little bit depressive, the quiet type that mostly was an observer in groups. But all of a sudden I was the life of the party - things happened I could never have imagined. God knows many awful things happen - but at least it wasn't just a monotony of grey.

But somewhere along the line there I lost myself. I can hardly be sober doing anything anymore, and yet some part of me still romaticize this life. How do you get out of that? I can think of a million reasonable arguments, but it feel like if I don't have alcohol, my life is just quiet, lonely and full of days all looking the same.

I guess the answer is to fill my days with something new. I need to replace the passion for drinking with something else, but it's hard since no other reward comes so easy.

How did you handle this? Is it to constantly remind myself of my low points? How bad it actually gets?

I am trying to replace it with romaticizing something else. I have done in my past - like working to much or being a gym fanatic. To be honest I think the best way would be not to romaticize anything but try to see life as it is, but I am not sure that is possible for me. I always been an all or nothing person and I have a hard time finding pleasure or harmony in any kind of moderation.

JeffreyAK

Time brings clarity, and quiets the addict voice that wants us to romanticize drinking. But it does take time, sober time, to clear out our brains.

ScottFromWI

Reminding yourself how bad it gets only goes so far, because as you notice the "Bad" part tends to wear off. I believe you do need to remember the bad, but more importatly work on a solid plan to live a good life without alcohol. For some that involves very structured sobriety plans like AA or NA where you attend meetings daily, work steps and have a sponsor. For others it involves counseling/rehab. Some use SR on a daily basis to remind themselves not only why they are here, but to learn how to cope with life and live without drinking.

Belonging to a recovery community ( in person or online ) means you'll always be around newcomers...so you will see daily where you were when you started out. It will be a constant reminder of where you could end up if you aren't vigilant. Recovery communties also have lots of collective knowledge on how to deal with life in general.

And the other important ( maybe the most ) part of sobriety is the initial, and unconditional acceptance of our addiction. We must fully understand that picking up even one drink is never an option, and never will be an option.

aasharon90

Whatever was taught to me in my
recovery program which is AA, I
used to the best of my human sober
ability.

Even today some 25 yrs of many one
days at a time sober, I have a few moments
where my mind would instantly try to
fantasize or romantize feelings and
actions associated with alcohol.

This time of the yr, Fall is upon us
and this weekend the time will change
where it will be getting darker earlier.

The early nights and cool Fall air will
be tempting me, enticing me to take
a trip back in time to days of preparing
to spending the night in a club filled
with music, men, dancing, attention
and so on.

I memorized the Serenity Prayer right
off the bat in early sobriety and have
said it a million times to stay focus on
what is the most important aspect of
my own recovery. Staying sober incorporating
tools and knowledge of the AA recovery
program taught to me and I learned.

Of course this is my own experience
to share with you to give you some
hope to do whatever you need to remain
sober or clean.

Fly N Buy

Thanks for the heartfelt, honest post Dallow. I think what you feel is natural and part of the sans alcohol grieving process. The reality for me was I only thought I was the "life" of the party. When over the years I look back and think - gee, where did all my friends go - it is quite an awakening. I drove a lot of them off, slowly over time.

I have come to the realization it's time in my life to not all consumed with how I feel. Am I bored - what about my needs? I put loved ones through a lot of jazzzzzz over the years and made some neurotic. I own parts of that and its time for me to do what I can for others. I am not talking about stuff or simply saying I'm sorry. I am present, in their lives. Love is a verb for me today..........

I found life's simple truths in the Prayer of St. Francis - it is part of my meditation practice = much peace and wisdom!

Scott's post sums things up nicely - find what works and work it! Say goodbye to the old and hello to the new. Stack some time and learn to live, again!

FarToGo

Can't improve on this advice.
I wish you well
xx

Dallow

Thanks for you reply. This part actually rang very true to me. I guess that's part of being an alcoholic - ending up self-centered and irresponsable. And while sobering up I am feeling sorry for exactly that and wanting to drink over it - how insane is that!

And I've also lost lot of friends for various reasons - either they always tried to get me drunk, because I became so "crazy" which they found funny. Or, ironically, because the friends didn't drink and started being home with their families. Jeeeezz, when I listen to myself!

Well, what you wrote was insightful, and to try to overcome this by focusing more on the need of others is maybe a good way to think of it.

doggonecarl

I think the flip side of romanticizing alcohol is feeling that sobriety is depriving us of something. If you are discontent with being sober, of course you are going to look at all that you are missing out on.

But it's a lie. One our addiction spins. You speak of the grey monotony of your life. But that's just a perception. One you can change.

Soberwolf

Really agree with Scott, Fly & Carl

SoberCAH

Romancing alcohol is very normal in early sobriety, and it can happen even after we have been sober a long time. We are alcoholics, after all.

Feeling better by escaping my problems and life through alcohol was easy, as you noted, but that ease came at a price that I was no longer willing to pay.

Romancing the notion of feeling good comes naturally to a daydreamer like me, but it's not a profitable use of time.

Your post is spot-on, amigo, I'm glad you brought it up.

I am not too smart, too old or too sober to be immune from thinking about the pleasure that others appear to harmless derive from a few drinks.

The other way of life is much more rewarding - it's not even a close call.

advbike

Here's the truly insightful part of your post.

When we're not happy with ourselves it's hard to be happy and content in any situation. We're always looking for something outside of ourselves for our happiness. I'm the same way, and am working on practicing mindfulness and putting aside the incessant voice of my ego. Many people are able to do this successfully. It is the wisdom of the ages. Substituting addictions is easier and more exciting, but is not the answer.

FarToGo

Lots of great insight and wisdom in this thread. Really useful for me too.
Thanks Dallow, and all.
xx

Horatio48

Dallow, your post resonated. And the advice here is sound. I am trying to shut out the voice that romanticizes liquor. It is very challenging and for me has still not gone away. But there is always hope. The fact is that for most people here liquor has stopped being a source of strength or perceived strength and is stopping them from living rather than helping them. You can't be the life of the party if you are not around to attend the party. The fact is that there are some great things about liquor. But for some of us, after a while, the bad outweighs the good. And although it may take time and some discomfort to discover this basic truth, that is the time to quietly move on. We may eventually find that we can still do some crazy fun things which we thought were only possible with alcohol fuelled confidence. Maybe, after a while, life without drinking can be as fun as life with drinking without the hangovers or bad effects of alcohol. Now, there's a thought. I just wish my mind would accept these arguments. But it somehow always, after a period of sobriety, rebels. Good luck and here's to fun and confidence and all the good things in life which, I am told, can also be enjoyed sober.

Dallow

" You can't be the life of the party if you are not around to attend the party. "

This is very much how things have turned out the last months yes. Sometimes I had to cancel plans in the last minute because I realised my own "pre-party" had got me too drunk to actually show up.

I am trying to think of how I thought before being a full blown alcoholic. But then I realise I romanticized drinking already from my first drink at age 14. By then I hardly drank at all, but I already thought to myself: "if I was a bit drunk I could do this and that, and life would be so much more interesting".

I had many years that I didn't drink much (but when I did I binged). I guess I had an alcoholic brain from the start. Time to face it.

MelindaFlowers

This is why it takes like a year for everything to normalize.

I think I thrived on the drama. I could tolerate anything as long as I could escape each evening.

I've been sober for 16 months and I am far away enough from it to see it for the lunacy it is. I could not IMAGINE waking up on the floor hungover and sweating.

For about a year I thought sober was boring but now it's totally normal.

I was a daily blackout drinker and now I'm a non drinker.

If every alcoholic in the beginning stages could feel, even for an hour, what it feels like to be sober after a year (at ease, normal, pretty centered) they would never consider drinking again.

Line up enough single 24 hour spans, days in a row to get a year. It feels like painting a wall with a toothbrush but it is soooooo worth it.

You can do this. I thought I had a 1 percent chance. You can too.

Ken33xx

Because you think booze might still work.

I can`t begin to remember the number of times I swore off drinking in the morning only to hit the bar again that evening.

It wasn't until I became truly tired of my drinking that I decide to go to an AA meeting and get sober.

MelindaFlowers

Oops.

gaffo

On this day four years ago I had my last drink. By that time, drinking was no longer cutting it for me. After thirty years, it had become boring and too self destructive. I was ready to try something new. I wasn't trying to replace drinking, I was trying to stop. Thank God I was able to. The first year was wobbly and unpleasant at times but now I really wouldn't have it any other way. The thing that kept me going was that I knew nothing could be more unpleasant than what my drinking had become--the hangovers and the self loathing were just too much and I can still remember that to this day when I want to. I don't really need to anymore though. Now I can concentrate on feeling good and enjoying the things that I missed out on when I was "the life of the party". I like Melinda's "painting the wall with a toothbrush" analogy. It rings very true to my experience.

Soberwolf

Way to go on 4 years Gaffo !!

OurTater

The first few paragraphs describe myself. Insular, geeky and academic at school with very few friends. Then I discovered alcohol properly at 17, and every instance of having friends was associated with alcohol.

I cultivated my drinking, ensured I was never anything but the last to leave, and didn't enjoy evenings out without a drink.

And then slowly, through my twenties, my drinking moved from social to antisocial. I preferred drinking alone, indoors, getting smashed where no-one could see me.

Social drinking (i.e. with others) was only good because I could drink with an excuse - my partner wasn't nagging me to not drink because I was out with friends. But I'd be drinking in preparation for getting home and getting smashed.

Romanticising the social times is something of an issue for me. Remembering when alcohol meant that I made friends, or was confident with the opposite sex. But actually, I know deep down this was killing me.

The times when I romaticise alcohol are a part of the daily cravings I still have (despite 96 days sober). I just get through them, a minute, ten minutes or for an hour. I hope one day they will go. If I get through them a minute or so at a time without having a drink, I won't have the second one.

So I don't have a solution, but I just recognise them as part of my sickness. And break down time periods to not act on them.

Good luck.