Please help with my sober husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 9
Please help with my sober husband
Hi, this is my first post and I quickly browsed through some of the posts on here. I am at my wits end with him and I really just don't know what to do anymore. I am so frustrated, hurt, and depressed I am fearing I will give up soon.
My husband and I have been together for fourteen years and of that fourteen years he has been addicted to drugs and or alcohol for most of twelve years give or take. We bought a new house last year and I am a dog breeder and about six months ago I told him that he had to make a decision on how he wanted to live his life but I was ready to get off the roller coaster we had been on for the last twelve years and if he wanted to continue he had to find another place to live because he couldn't live with myself and our two young daughters any longer.
He told me he wanted help so I found a local place that did outpatient treatment and he agreed to go. He did a 90 day outpatient program with meetings Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday and he was required to go to AA meetings three other days of the week. He completed the program and now has been sober for about six months.
He doesn't feel and has not felt that the AA meetings were any benefit to him. He said it was mostly people just telling war stories and he didn't feel he benefited from anything there.
So the problem that I am now dealing with it's almost as if he has become bi-polar. He finds things to pick at me about. It's usually in relation to my business, the amount of time I spend corresponding with people in relation to my business, or about the people I speak with on a daily basis. His other argument is that I don't communicate with him and tell him about my daily activities.
I've tried very hard to devote time to him and make sure I give him the attention he seeks. It seems like every time I bend to do what he asks, he finds something else to complain about . For all these years I have handled our finances because he was never dependable or he would squander his money on drugs or alcohol so he had his paycheck put on direct deposit. He has been saying the last few months that he feels like he never sees a dime from it and I control all the money. I've asked him repeatedly to go on our bank acct and see where the money goes and how it's spent and he has not once done it.
So yesterday he went with a friend to move some furniture and he was gone for the day. I was fine with that. I was actually happy he was getting out of the house because as of lately he really has no hobbies to occupy his time. I asked him a couple times when he would be home so I could plan dinner. Both times he said he was almost done. Almost done turned into 5pm and my kids and I went to Chipotle to eat. While he was moving furniture I had gone shopping and bought some outfits for the kids, him, and I because we are having pictures done on 10/10. I had sent a couple pics around 12 of shirts I thought he would look nice in and then again around 3pm of myself and the outfit I had picked out. I also had bought some curtains and some other decorative stuff for the house because he recently complained that we have been in our house for a year and the walls were still bare.
So when he asked me where I was just after 5pm yesterday after he got home and I wasn't there, I told him I was out shopping. He immediately got upset and told me that I knew what he was doing all day but he had no idea what I was doing... I thought it was absurd that he couldn't piece it together after I had sent him pics and talked to him on the phone once and via text twice with pics during the day. And then after that he went on to say that I can go on shopping sprees yet he gets yelled at if he spends any money out of the bank.
He has been upset with me since last night and has been basically shutting me out. My punishment is him turning his back on me literally and not interacting with me physically or holding a conversation with me. This morning he said that he needed to take his truck to the Shop so I told him that if he wanted to be upset I was going to a friend's house. I told him to go drop his truck off at the shop and call me and I would come pick him up and we would go home. So I left around 11am to my friends house. She asked if we wanted to go to the movies around 1 so I Called him to see what he was doing and to see when I needed to pick him up. Mean while he sounds a little winded and I'm hearing cars passing in the background. So I ask him if he's walking and he says he is. The shop where he dropped his truck off is probably twenty miles from our house and he was on his way walking home because "he didn't want to burden me." This hurt my feelings and I felt bad that he felt that way. To him, so he says, since I didn't want to be around him while he was mad he would just walk home. So I finally left my friend's house and I passed by him on my way home and I felt so guilty I immediately started crying and I couldn't leave him there so I turned around and asked him to get in the car.
While I was at my friend's house, she and I set up a budget plan and to give him more control of the money, I decided to change his direct deposit to another acct and let him handle certain Bills so he felt accountable for the household as well.
Even with that he has opposition. Every solution I try to come up with he has an answer for. This time was he didn't know why I asked her to help budget. I will admit I am not good at managing money and neither is he and my friend offered to help. Since he has met me with opposition to every idea I come up with, I didn't really even think about asking him about creating a budget. He has never budgeted money ever in his life.
The last few weeks he has been in a constant cycle like this. If it's not one thing it's another and it seems like no matter what I do I can't keep him happy. He is in a cycl of happiness then anger and then depression. He will be happy for a day or two and then angry and then sad for a day or two. I'm just so tired... Emotionally trying to help him and solve the issues he brings to me is exhausting because every time I try to resolve the issue, that becomes a new issue.
I made an appt for us to get into counseling but it's not until 10/16. If anyone has any experience or ideas on what I can do, I would appreciate it.
My husband and I have been together for fourteen years and of that fourteen years he has been addicted to drugs and or alcohol for most of twelve years give or take. We bought a new house last year and I am a dog breeder and about six months ago I told him that he had to make a decision on how he wanted to live his life but I was ready to get off the roller coaster we had been on for the last twelve years and if he wanted to continue he had to find another place to live because he couldn't live with myself and our two young daughters any longer.
He told me he wanted help so I found a local place that did outpatient treatment and he agreed to go. He did a 90 day outpatient program with meetings Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday and he was required to go to AA meetings three other days of the week. He completed the program and now has been sober for about six months.
He doesn't feel and has not felt that the AA meetings were any benefit to him. He said it was mostly people just telling war stories and he didn't feel he benefited from anything there.
So the problem that I am now dealing with it's almost as if he has become bi-polar. He finds things to pick at me about. It's usually in relation to my business, the amount of time I spend corresponding with people in relation to my business, or about the people I speak with on a daily basis. His other argument is that I don't communicate with him and tell him about my daily activities.
I've tried very hard to devote time to him and make sure I give him the attention he seeks. It seems like every time I bend to do what he asks, he finds something else to complain about . For all these years I have handled our finances because he was never dependable or he would squander his money on drugs or alcohol so he had his paycheck put on direct deposit. He has been saying the last few months that he feels like he never sees a dime from it and I control all the money. I've asked him repeatedly to go on our bank acct and see where the money goes and how it's spent and he has not once done it.
So yesterday he went with a friend to move some furniture and he was gone for the day. I was fine with that. I was actually happy he was getting out of the house because as of lately he really has no hobbies to occupy his time. I asked him a couple times when he would be home so I could plan dinner. Both times he said he was almost done. Almost done turned into 5pm and my kids and I went to Chipotle to eat. While he was moving furniture I had gone shopping and bought some outfits for the kids, him, and I because we are having pictures done on 10/10. I had sent a couple pics around 12 of shirts I thought he would look nice in and then again around 3pm of myself and the outfit I had picked out. I also had bought some curtains and some other decorative stuff for the house because he recently complained that we have been in our house for a year and the walls were still bare.
So when he asked me where I was just after 5pm yesterday after he got home and I wasn't there, I told him I was out shopping. He immediately got upset and told me that I knew what he was doing all day but he had no idea what I was doing... I thought it was absurd that he couldn't piece it together after I had sent him pics and talked to him on the phone once and via text twice with pics during the day. And then after that he went on to say that I can go on shopping sprees yet he gets yelled at if he spends any money out of the bank.
He has been upset with me since last night and has been basically shutting me out. My punishment is him turning his back on me literally and not interacting with me physically or holding a conversation with me. This morning he said that he needed to take his truck to the Shop so I told him that if he wanted to be upset I was going to a friend's house. I told him to go drop his truck off at the shop and call me and I would come pick him up and we would go home. So I left around 11am to my friends house. She asked if we wanted to go to the movies around 1 so I Called him to see what he was doing and to see when I needed to pick him up. Mean while he sounds a little winded and I'm hearing cars passing in the background. So I ask him if he's walking and he says he is. The shop where he dropped his truck off is probably twenty miles from our house and he was on his way walking home because "he didn't want to burden me." This hurt my feelings and I felt bad that he felt that way. To him, so he says, since I didn't want to be around him while he was mad he would just walk home. So I finally left my friend's house and I passed by him on my way home and I felt so guilty I immediately started crying and I couldn't leave him there so I turned around and asked him to get in the car.
While I was at my friend's house, she and I set up a budget plan and to give him more control of the money, I decided to change his direct deposit to another acct and let him handle certain Bills so he felt accountable for the household as well.
Even with that he has opposition. Every solution I try to come up with he has an answer for. This time was he didn't know why I asked her to help budget. I will admit I am not good at managing money and neither is he and my friend offered to help. Since he has met me with opposition to every idea I come up with, I didn't really even think about asking him about creating a budget. He has never budgeted money ever in his life.
The last few weeks he has been in a constant cycle like this. If it's not one thing it's another and it seems like no matter what I do I can't keep him happy. He is in a cycl of happiness then anger and then depression. He will be happy for a day or two and then angry and then sad for a day or two. I'm just so tired... Emotionally trying to help him and solve the issues he brings to me is exhausting because every time I try to resolve the issue, that becomes a new issue.
I made an appt for us to get into counseling but it's not until 10/16. If anyone has any experience or ideas on what I can do, I would appreciate it.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pacific Coast
Posts: 785
Originally Posted by Shortnsweet1025 
He doesn't feel and has not felt that the AA meetings were any benefit to him. He said it was mostly people just telling war stories and he didn't feel he benefited from anything there.
You can't force him to change. You can, however, learn to change how you deal with the situation. Look up Al-Anon. Also, check out the "Friends and Family" section of this forum. I have a feeling it will be an eye-opener for you
Best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I dunno relationships change after the one sobers up I'm less likely to tolerate stuff. My wife had to get used to working with the new me. I had to learn and am still learning how to operate and function like a civil human being. It takes time.
Sometimes too its like oh this is how things are going to work? yeah no I"m not having it this way etc..
Best I can say things change it can be hard on both parties. it can be done tho. My wife and I went through a lot of various struggles as i came out of the fog so to say that first year or 2.
It was hard on my wife she will say i'm not ht eman she married and shes right to a degree. Its in a good way but it took a lot of getting used too.
Its hard too a lot of people seem to think as soon as the alcoholic simply quits drinking life will change on a dime for the better. This just isnt the case. its a lot of work its a lot of struggles it takes time etc..
Sometimes too its like oh this is how things are going to work? yeah no I"m not having it this way etc..
Best I can say things change it can be hard on both parties. it can be done tho. My wife and I went through a lot of various struggles as i came out of the fog so to say that first year or 2.
It was hard on my wife she will say i'm not ht eman she married and shes right to a degree. Its in a good way but it took a lot of getting used too.
Its hard too a lot of people seem to think as soon as the alcoholic simply quits drinking life will change on a dime for the better. This just isnt the case. its a lot of work its a lot of struggles it takes time etc..
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
I would get goofy around milestones. At 6 months I had a pretty good run at crazy for a few weeks. I would suggest react as little as possible to it. What he is actually complaining about may have nothing to do with why he is acting this way. I cycled hard and bi polar would be a pretty accurate description . Shutting you off is a really bad way for him to try and deal with it IMO. Walking home from dropping his truck off instead of you driving him home...come on. The "silent treatment" is relational aggression if it's done for any other reason than to cool off. He is clean now he needs to find better ways to deal.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,581
My first suggestion was going to be marriage counseling so you can talk about this with someone else who can help because it seems like there's more going on here than we know. It might have something to do with the fact that his drinking helped him cope with things and now he doesn't have that and he's not coping in a healthy way. He might need individual counseling to get to some of that, too. I'm glad you made an appointment and I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Sometimes we have to go through the rough stuff to get to the good. If you both are willing to put in the work, I think you'll figure it out and learn to work together better. Maybe just love a little harder till your appointment. Can't hurt! Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
I think the best thing you've got going at this point is that appointment on 10/16. Try your best to keep that, if not your husband, for you. Another poster suggested Al-anon. There's a lot of help there.
I know about the war stories. I've been listening to them for a long time and I have a few of my own. They are part of keeping the past alive so that we don't forget how bad it was. Of course, people who don't really want to get sober, don't want to look at the past for what it really is. A battle ground full of bad memories, but as the old saying goes, "if I forget the past, I'm doomed to relive it".
I know about the war stories. I've been listening to them for a long time and I have a few of my own. They are part of keeping the past alive so that we don't forget how bad it was. Of course, people who don't really want to get sober, don't want to look at the past for what it really is. A battle ground full of bad memories, but as the old saying goes, "if I forget the past, I'm doomed to relive it".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 9
I agree. I asked him if he would go to meetings again after I posted this and he said he would not. I will look into Al Anon though
Originally Posted by Shortnsweet1025
Hi, this is my first post and I quickly browsed through some of the posts on here. I am at my wits end with him and I really just don't know what to do anymore. I am so frustrated, hurt, and depressed I am fearing I will give up soon.
My husband and I have been together for fourteen years and of that fourteen years he has been addicted to drugs and or alcohol for most of twelve years give or take. We bought a new house last year and I am a dog breeder and about six months ago I told him that he had to make a decision on how he wanted to live his life but I was ready to get off the roller coaster we had been on for the last twelve years and if he wanted to continue he had to find another place to live because he couldn't live with myself and our two young daughters any longer.
He told me he wanted help so I found a local place that did outpatient treatment and he agreed to go. He did a 90 day outpatient program with meetings Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday and he was required to go to AA meetings three other days of the week. He completed the program and now has been sober for about six months.
He doesn't feel and has not felt that the AA meetings were any benefit to him. He said it was mostly people just telling war stories and he didn't feel he benefited from anything there.
So the problem that I am now dealing with it's almost as if he has become bi-polar. He finds things to pick at me about. It's usually in relation to my business, the amount of time I spend corresponding with people in relation to my business, or about the people I speak with on a daily basis. His other argument is that I don't communicate with him and tell him about my daily activities.
I've tried very hard to devote time to him and make sure I give him the attention he seeks. It seems like every time I bend to do what he asks, he finds something else to complain about . For all these years I have handled our finances because he was never dependable or he would squander his money on drugs or alcohol so he had his paycheck put on direct deposit. He has been saying the last few months that he feels like he never sees a dime from it and I control all the money. I've asked him repeatedly to go on our bank acct and see where the money goes and how it's spent and he has not once done it.
So yesterday he went with a friend to move some furniture and he was gone for the day. I was fine with that. I was actually happy he was getting out of the house because as of lately he really has no hobbies to occupy his time. I asked him a couple times when he would be home so I could plan dinner. Both times he said he was almost done. Almost done turned into 5pm and my kids and I went to Chipotle to eat. While he was moving furniture I had gone shopping and bought some outfits for the kids, him, and I because we are having pictures done on 10/10. I had sent a couple pics around 12 of shirts I thought he would look nice in and then again around 3pm of myself and the outfit I had picked out. I also had bought some curtains and some other decorative stuff for the house because he recently complained that we have been in our house for a year and the walls were still bare.
So when he asked me where I was just after 5pm yesterday after he got home and I wasn't there, I told him I was out shopping. He immediately got upset and told me that I knew what he was doing all day but he had no idea what I was doing... I thought it was absurd that he couldn't piece it together after I had sent him pics and talked to him on the phone once and via text twice with pics during the day. And then after that he went on to say that I can go on shopping sprees yet he gets yelled at if he spends any money out of the bank.
He has been upset with me since last night and has been basically shutting me out. My punishment is him turning his back on me literally and not interacting with me physically or holding a conversation with me. This morning he said that he needed to take his truck to the Shop so I told him that if he wanted to be upset I was going to a friend's house. I told him to go drop his truck off at the shop and call me and I would come pick him up and we would go home. So I left around 11am to my friends house. She asked if we wanted to go to the movies around 1 so I Called him to see what he was doing and to see when I needed to pick him up. Mean while he sounds a little winded and I'm hearing cars passing in the background. So I ask him if he's walking and he says he is. The shop where he dropped his truck off is probably twenty miles from our house and he was on his way walking home because "he didn't want to burden me." This hurt my feelings and I felt bad that he felt that way. To him, so he says, since I didn't want to be around him while he was mad he would just walk home. So I finally left my friend's house and I passed by him on my way home and I felt so guilty I immediately started crying and I couldn't leave him there so I turned around and asked him to get in the car.
While I was at my friend's house, she and I set up a budget plan and to give him more control of the money, I decided to change his direct deposit to another acct and let him handle certain Bills so he felt accountable for the household as well.
Even with that he has opposition. Every solution I try to come up with he has an answer for. This time was he didn't know why I asked her to help budget. I will admit I am not good at managing money and neither is he and my friend offered to help. Since he has met me with opposition to every idea I come up with, I didn't really even think about asking him about creating a budget. He has never budgeted money ever in his life.
The last few weeks he has been in a constant cycle like this. If it's not one thing it's another and it seems like no matter what I do I can't keep him happy. He is in a cycl of happiness then anger and then depression. He will be happy for a day or two and then angry and then sad for a day or two. I'm just so tired... Emotionally trying to help him and solve the issues he brings to me is exhausting because every time I try to resolve the issue, that becomes a new issue.
I made an appt for us to get into counseling but it's not until 10/16. If anyone has any experience or ideas on what I can do, I would appreciate it.
My husband and I have been together for fourteen years and of that fourteen years he has been addicted to drugs and or alcohol for most of twelve years give or take. We bought a new house last year and I am a dog breeder and about six months ago I told him that he had to make a decision on how he wanted to live his life but I was ready to get off the roller coaster we had been on for the last twelve years and if he wanted to continue he had to find another place to live because he couldn't live with myself and our two young daughters any longer.
He told me he wanted help so I found a local place that did outpatient treatment and he agreed to go. He did a 90 day outpatient program with meetings Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday and he was required to go to AA meetings three other days of the week. He completed the program and now has been sober for about six months.
He doesn't feel and has not felt that the AA meetings were any benefit to him. He said it was mostly people just telling war stories and he didn't feel he benefited from anything there.
So the problem that I am now dealing with it's almost as if he has become bi-polar. He finds things to pick at me about. It's usually in relation to my business, the amount of time I spend corresponding with people in relation to my business, or about the people I speak with on a daily basis. His other argument is that I don't communicate with him and tell him about my daily activities.
I've tried very hard to devote time to him and make sure I give him the attention he seeks. It seems like every time I bend to do what he asks, he finds something else to complain about . For all these years I have handled our finances because he was never dependable or he would squander his money on drugs or alcohol so he had his paycheck put on direct deposit. He has been saying the last few months that he feels like he never sees a dime from it and I control all the money. I've asked him repeatedly to go on our bank acct and see where the money goes and how it's spent and he has not once done it.
So yesterday he went with a friend to move some furniture and he was gone for the day. I was fine with that. I was actually happy he was getting out of the house because as of lately he really has no hobbies to occupy his time. I asked him a couple times when he would be home so I could plan dinner. Both times he said he was almost done. Almost done turned into 5pm and my kids and I went to Chipotle to eat. While he was moving furniture I had gone shopping and bought some outfits for the kids, him, and I because we are having pictures done on 10/10. I had sent a couple pics around 12 of shirts I thought he would look nice in and then again around 3pm of myself and the outfit I had picked out. I also had bought some curtains and some other decorative stuff for the house because he recently complained that we have been in our house for a year and the walls were still bare.
So when he asked me where I was just after 5pm yesterday after he got home and I wasn't there, I told him I was out shopping. He immediately got upset and told me that I knew what he was doing all day but he had no idea what I was doing... I thought it was absurd that he couldn't piece it together after I had sent him pics and talked to him on the phone once and via text twice with pics during the day. And then after that he went on to say that I can go on shopping sprees yet he gets yelled at if he spends any money out of the bank.
He has been upset with me since last night and has been basically shutting me out. My punishment is him turning his back on me literally and not interacting with me physically or holding a conversation with me. This morning he said that he needed to take his truck to the Shop so I told him that if he wanted to be upset I was going to a friend's house. I told him to go drop his truck off at the shop and call me and I would come pick him up and we would go home. So I left around 11am to my friends house. She asked if we wanted to go to the movies around 1 so I Called him to see what he was doing and to see when I needed to pick him up. Mean while he sounds a little winded and I'm hearing cars passing in the background. So I ask him if he's walking and he says he is. The shop where he dropped his truck off is probably twenty miles from our house and he was on his way walking home because "he didn't want to burden me." This hurt my feelings and I felt bad that he felt that way. To him, so he says, since I didn't want to be around him while he was mad he would just walk home. So I finally left my friend's house and I passed by him on my way home and I felt so guilty I immediately started crying and I couldn't leave him there so I turned around and asked him to get in the car.
While I was at my friend's house, she and I set up a budget plan and to give him more control of the money, I decided to change his direct deposit to another acct and let him handle certain Bills so he felt accountable for the household as well.
Even with that he has opposition. Every solution I try to come up with he has an answer for. This time was he didn't know why I asked her to help budget. I will admit I am not good at managing money and neither is he and my friend offered to help. Since he has met me with opposition to every idea I come up with, I didn't really even think about asking him about creating a budget. He has never budgeted money ever in his life.
The last few weeks he has been in a constant cycle like this. If it's not one thing it's another and it seems like no matter what I do I can't keep him happy. He is in a cycl of happiness then anger and then depression. He will be happy for a day or two and then angry and then sad for a day or two. I'm just so tired... Emotionally trying to help him and solve the issues he brings to me is exhausting because every time I try to resolve the issue, that becomes a new issue.
I made an appt for us to get into counseling but it's not until 10/16. If anyone has any experience or ideas on what I can do, I would appreciate it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
To me someone not drinking and an alcoholic acting and reacting the way they did when drinking is in a “dry drunk” mode which only they can repair.
Unfortunately the damage an alcoholic causes needs as much repair or more than the alcoholic.
I strongly suggest a lot of Al Anon meetings AND perhaps on this site a forum called Friends and Families of Alcoholics. You may not like the suggestions for awhile but very often they hit the nail on the head concerning your sanity and well being.
BE WELL
To me someone not drinking and an alcoholic acting and reacting the way they did when drinking is in a “dry drunk” mode which only they can repair.
Unfortunately the damage an alcoholic causes needs as much repair or more than the alcoholic.
I strongly suggest a lot of Al Anon meetings AND perhaps on this site a forum called Friends and Families of Alcoholics. You may not like the suggestions for awhile but very often they hit the nail on the head concerning your sanity and well being.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Al Anon or read the family information from Rational Recovery.
I know when I have the proper boundaries with the people in my life, my life seems to be better.
We don't get better overnight. For me, I got worse until I started using a program of recovery. Actions do speak louder than words though. I'm sure someone already posted the family and friends section. You will get support there as well.
Welcome. I am so glad you are here.
I know when I have the proper boundaries with the people in my life, my life seems to be better.
We don't get better overnight. For me, I got worse until I started using a program of recovery. Actions do speak louder than words though. I'm sure someone already posted the family and friends section. You will get support there as well.
Welcome. I am so glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
for what its worth alcoholics anonymous is not the nd all be all. I never went the first year to anything. and now I go once in a while to a meeting.
But there probably should be some sort of activity on his part that fosters recovery. reading books or online etc.. I think to just up and decide you require nothing and your suddenly cured is a bit concerning. especially at his point in the game. Though I wonder if that can one day be achieved for us I'm not sure.
But there probably should be some sort of activity on his part that fosters recovery. reading books or online etc.. I think to just up and decide you require nothing and your suddenly cured is a bit concerning. especially at his point in the game. Though I wonder if that can one day be achieved for us I'm not sure.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Originally Posted by zjw
for what its worth alcoholics anonymous is not the nd all be all. I never went the first year to anything. and now I go once in a while to a meeting.
.
.
For me and many millions who have accepted defeat it is all we need for continued recovery. I’m talking about years, not just a short Period. When we make the correct choice for ourselves life can become happy joyous and free. That will include work and changing our alcoholic thinking processes that caused our dis-ease.
The other option is doing it our way which is usually unsuccessful and the misery continues along with a miserable horrible death which claims millions per year.
Never forget how powerful this disease is, it’ll get us in a heartbeat.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
I agree with zjw, that it takes a while for the newly sober person to acclimate to real living.
I can see both sides of your stories. He's upset that you worked with a friend to create a budget for him, like he's a child- admittedly, he is certainly behaving childishly, but he probably didn't want you getting your friend involved in his business.
His communication style is passive/aggressive and totally out of line.
I agree that it's a shame that he isn't in AA...but that doesn't mean you can't get to Al-anon and I highly suggest that you do.
I'm sure that some of the folks in Friends and Family of alcoholics can help to guide you during this time before your counseling session.
Best of luck to you...
I can see both sides of your stories. He's upset that you worked with a friend to create a budget for him, like he's a child- admittedly, he is certainly behaving childishly, but he probably didn't want you getting your friend involved in his business.
His communication style is passive/aggressive and totally out of line.
I agree that it's a shame that he isn't in AA...but that doesn't mean you can't get to Al-anon and I highly suggest that you do.
I'm sure that some of the folks in Friends and Family of alcoholics can help to guide you during this time before your counseling session.
Best of luck to you...
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
The guy is around 6 months so a little freaking out is to be expected of anyone. What I would find worrisome is how he is using manipulative behavior to deal with his feelings. Unfortunately he got the reaction he wanted so he maybe inclined to continue. He needs to understand how abusive his behavior is. Maybe once he sees how hurtful it is he will change it.
The Silent Treatment And What You Can Do To Stop It Cold | Therapy Soup
The Silent Treatment And What You Can Do To Stop It Cold | Therapy Soup
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by silentrun
The guy is around 6 months so a little freaking out is to be expected of anyone. What I would find worrisome is how he is using manipulative behavior to deal with his feelings. Unfortunately he got the reaction he wanted so he maybe inclined to continue. He needs to understand how abusive his behavior is. Maybe once he sees how hurtful it is he will change it.
The Silent Treatment And What You Can Do To Stop It Cold | Therapy Soup
The Silent Treatment And What You Can Do To Stop It Cold | Therapy Soup
the above is how i felt in early sobriety for a good while.
But I hit a turning point. where i started to be able to see right from wrong about my own behaivior and was able to make the determination of my character flaws on my own. I started to accept ones that defined me (IE this is just how i am and i'll work on it but in the end thats just me) and i started to work on the other ones that I could change about myself more easily. I started to grow into a DIFFERENT individual this ruffled feathers people where used to dealing with me a certain way and there appraoch no longer really worked so they where caught off gaurd. But rather then sit around beating myself up and listening to everyones opinion of how I should be or not be I just kept moving forward trying to be sure I was behaving properly etc.. In time those around me adapted. Even now and probably forever I'm still finding things to fix about myself but I dont feel like i'm a worthless POS anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
oh and in my case not everyone said i was a no good POS some cheered me on some but I still only ever heard i'm a no good POS. So sometimes even tho your being supportive its falling on deaf ears. the alcoholic could still be focused on a prior arguement or something for all you know and doesnt even hear the words of encouragement. In time tho that eases up as well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi all.. wow don't we just know the ups and downs and tears of this all.. on friday Ed threw a huge fit in the Bank.. its his money and he should have complete controll... the bank had security take him to the side .. I went into tears.. bills had to be paid.. he wanted to drop 800 of the 1400 on the car for a new wing in the back.. that would mean no phone elec or insurance paid.. so the car could look cool... 5 weeks out of the hospital because of a heart attack and withdrawal is still with us... have had to redo all of the accounts and budget when his account was hacked.. through paypal and ebay.. still having to deal with that...
sometimes I just don't want to be the adult anymore at all... our bits of volunteering that I put us in help with getting him out to the real world and other people... he can see how people react and behave without the drugs or drink around... it helps... but kids and beans it is very trying and most of the time I am in tears so much..... know that if we can hold tight.. by Oct 30 for his 61 birthday .. the body that has had so much happen to it.. will get better..... Ed is eating more vegies hahahaha... hugs and so many prayers.. from an old war horse that still is trying to fight the good fight.. ardy
sometimes I just don't want to be the adult anymore at all... our bits of volunteering that I put us in help with getting him out to the real world and other people... he can see how people react and behave without the drugs or drink around... it helps... but kids and beans it is very trying and most of the time I am in tears so much..... know that if we can hold tight.. by Oct 30 for his 61 birthday .. the body that has had so much happen to it.. will get better..... Ed is eating more vegies hahahaha... hugs and so many prayers.. from an old war horse that still is trying to fight the good fight.. ardy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 287
Hello.. yes it sounds to me like untreated alcoholism.. unfortunately you cant make him go to AA. Maybe you can suggest a big book or step meeting to him but never know how he will react.. but if he was open to i.o.p. then at least he sees there is a problem.. in my experience my gf left when i was in my first couple weeks sober.. she couldnt handle my moodswings and depression and i was going to AA a few times a day!! I am much more adjusted to now and even smile once in a while.. it just takes time.. my best advice is try to be patient, reallize it is an illness, and dont take what he says to personal. . I know, easier said than done. I also recommend al anon meetings and maybe if he sees you going to meetings he will give AA another go.. best of luck
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
For me and many millions who have accepted victory and a new opportunity at life, there are many alternatives to AA that may be a better fit for your husband - particularly since he's already said it's a bad fit for him. If he's interested, he might dig around and/or come here - staying involved with recovery support groups might help, reading might help, or perhaps there is an "aftercare" group at the place he did outpatient care. But, you can't change him or resolve his issues, and at 6 months it's pretty early on the recovery path but late enough that you both have every right to expect your needs to be met.
If he's interested, he might dig around and/or come here - staying involved with recovery support groups might help, reading might help, or perhaps there is an "aftercare" group at the place he did outpatient care. But, you can't change him or resolve his issues, and at 6 months it's pretty early on the recovery path but late enough that you both have every right to expect your needs to be met.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
I had that turning point too zjw. It was actually right at 6 months. If I wasn't plugged in here and knew about PAWS who knows if I would have progressed. That realization that I was the mastermind of my own pain was overwhelming, I cried for days. We should all be so lucky to be the troublemaker in our own lives, don't you think? At least that we have control over.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
One thing that people say a lot is that our emotional lives are stuck back around the age when our drinking got really bad. That's a major oversimplification of course, but the general gist is valuable I think. When we're drinking, we're using what psychologists call avoidant coping mechanisms (running away from our problems through alcohol, distractions, etc). So while our peers were practicing their healthy coping skills, we were getting really good at doing it wrong. When we sober up, as someone mentioned above, we can't avoid anymore but we don't yet know how to do anything else.
Your husband's mood swings are totally normal, and the way he's handling them are pretty immature, which unfortunately is also totally normal. But that doesn't make it ok, especially since it sounds like he isn't being at all introspective about the situation. Hopefully your marriage counselor will be able to gently help him see that grown men who have children of their own should not be responding to their feelings using the same methods that a teenager might.
In general, I'd hold out hope and try to have patience, up to a point. Six months isn't that long to be sober; my longest stretch has been eight months and I was still struggling with it every day at that point. But sooner or later he needs to shift his focus from just abstinence to the bigger picture self improvement that we all end up having to do. He can do that on his own, with a therapist, or with a group, but he will have to do it at some point.
Your husband's mood swings are totally normal, and the way he's handling them are pretty immature, which unfortunately is also totally normal. But that doesn't make it ok, especially since it sounds like he isn't being at all introspective about the situation. Hopefully your marriage counselor will be able to gently help him see that grown men who have children of their own should not be responding to their feelings using the same methods that a teenager might.
In general, I'd hold out hope and try to have patience, up to a point. Six months isn't that long to be sober; my longest stretch has been eight months and I was still struggling with it every day at that point. But sooner or later he needs to shift his focus from just abstinence to the bigger picture self improvement that we all end up having to do. He can do that on his own, with a therapist, or with a group, but he will have to do it at some point.
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