Berrybean

Because ego is where the ism comes from. It keeps us firmly entrenched in a perspective that comes from an attitude of fear and protecting our own interests rather than allowing ourselves the luxury of acceptance, and an adjusted perspective. It will become clearer as you work through the (many!!) columns in that step 4 work. It can be truly liberating. With so much on your plate at the moment I really would suggest cracking on with it so you can feel that relief sooner rather than later.

Good luck with it all

gonzo51511

Thanx BB for the well wish.. i dont mean to complain so much on here but ya know...this is the process; im feeling like my world is upsidedown and it is so i need reassurance that have been where i am now and to hear the experience strength hope often.. and then i will be able to help the next person and so on and so on.. i know when one door (slams) another opens but why does the hallway have to be so damn long!! Inventory writing begins this evening.. i hope i get the relief u spoke of. Ive been hearing round the tables step 4 is more pain...

Berrybean

The fear of doing Step 4 is the worst bit (plus it can be a long job), but once I got going and started seeing the patterns of my behaviours and realising where I'd been going wrong, suddenly there was a hell of a lot of hope appearing. I know many others who say the same. Some people just love a good horror story! There are some great AA speaker recordings on Step 4, and the 12 and 12 is very helpful as well. It's all healing

Berrybean

And this sub-forum could be very useful (although you probably already found it)... Step 4 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

zjw

sometimes someone has to be the strong one etc.. it stinks too! women are pretty bright at that un-controlable chemistry I've seen how they will avoid situations just so they dont step into that again becuase when they are around the person they loose sense of logic and reason etc..

She might be making a smart decision here to protect you both.

Dee74

I drank for years and over the course of 2 decades I lost two partners Gonzo.

I held a resentment against them for a long time, but the truth was they had every right to get away from a guy in self destruct mode.

I wasn't even near the end of my self destruct sequence and both suffered heavy collateral damage....I can't believe they stuck it for so long...

Neither you or I are bad men tho.

We both have the chance now for Chapter Two, and the chance the show the world who we really are

It took a while for me to work through the rubble of my old life but I did and I love my life and myself again.

you will find happiness and joy (and love) again Gonzo - if you stay focused and stay sober, and work on becoming the best you you can be

D

gonzo51511

thanks dee.. I know things wlll work out how they work out.. im excited to see what life will be like so ber.. Ive been drunk for so long I don't remember a sober life.. I guess I blab on here so much about it cuz I know in my heart that she needs to move on and have a better life. even if she was able to forgive me in sobriety women never forget.. she would always be looking at me with one eyebrow up wondering what I have been doing and suspicious. its not fair for either of us to live like that.. but that is how it would be im sure.. I have to accept life on lifes terms and move on as well.. like my sponsor always says, they don't all gather at the meetings just to lie to you... (about how great life gets in sobriety) thx for all your comments guys :}

fantail

I think the ego comes in (not just for you gonzo! for all of us) when we expect that because we're trying, and we're being good, we somehow deserve another person in our life. That it's unfair or wrong of a person to not want to be with us if we're doing the right things.

But don't worry, it's not just alcoholics who do this. I think almost everyone who goes through a break up spends half the time thinking things like, "But he was the one who pursued me!" or "I learned how to cook because she wanted me to, what a jerk for leaving!" as if the other person is some kind of prize that we earn.

So it's a pretty universal hurt. I think it's just extra bad when the good thing you're doing is something as huge as getting sober.

I'd suggest not trying to be friends, by the way. I have a long story involving broken hearts and relapses to back me up, but I'll leave that for another time.

gonzo51511

So fantail.. best thing would u say just delete her number,not answer her calls, and not see or speak to her? Until step 9 of coarse...

ScottFromWI

I'd suggest working your steps and letting whatever happens with your ex happen. Buy blocking calls/not answering you are again creating drama that doesn't need to be created. If she wants to be friends but you don't want to simply tell her that. Tell her your recovery is the most important thing right now. If she's truly on your side she'll understand and let it be. If not then the relationship probably wasn't meant to be.