Fell Off - Total Fantasy World
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 136
Fell Off - Total Fantasy World
I started to fall off in the Summer. I had a slip at some point, then let it go without coming to SR.
Was okay up until the semester started in September. Sober the first week, then got drunk one night on the second, and am now getting drunk every day for the past week.
This is worse this time around. This is a lot worse. I know what's going on with alcohol; I can't make any excuses about it, and I wake up and I really know. In that "I went sober for just about 4 months straight" kind of way.
But no matter, once I drink I am in total lunacy.
I feel like a lunatic.
I am running my mouth like never before. I am being a goddamn ******* to everyone about everything. In particular I'm going nuts with literature; it's my major, I used to be a good writer before I went creatively-dead, and I'm an arrogant fool about it anyway. But now it's crazy; I am run, run, running my mouth, making enemies, putting people down, putting myself on some completely hallucinatory pedestal.
The big difference this semester is that I am being a real son of a bitch to my roommates. I drank last semester, before I even tried to do sobiety seriously, but I kept it together around my roommates at least. This semester, I am out of control.
I am putting everyone down. All of the time.
I'm not even angry. I'm not. I just drink, and the moment I drink I just start compensating for something, for everything, and I do this by trying to make everyone around me feel worthless.
I'm ******* up, SR. I really am and I feel it. I had a few slips this Summer, but they were true slips. I knew I messed up; I figured out what happened, and I corrected it. I believed in sobriety even when they happened.
But that one last slip near the end was different; I really took the flavor, the hallucination, of the drinking life back in with that one, and sure enough now I'm here.
I don't know. This is different. I feel substancially worse from drinking this time around. Not the hangovers or blood rush or heart or anything; I just feel like an impersonater. The moment I take that sip I'm not me; I'm directing a body, not living it.
I feel completely crazy the moment I take a sip. And I am; I am totally out of control from then until sleep.
And this time around I'm a straight monster with it too. I really am. I've never been this cruel, this foolish, this despicable in all of my life.
I feel crazy. Really, truly crazy.
Was okay up until the semester started in September. Sober the first week, then got drunk one night on the second, and am now getting drunk every day for the past week.
This is worse this time around. This is a lot worse. I know what's going on with alcohol; I can't make any excuses about it, and I wake up and I really know. In that "I went sober for just about 4 months straight" kind of way.
But no matter, once I drink I am in total lunacy.
I feel like a lunatic.
I am running my mouth like never before. I am being a goddamn ******* to everyone about everything. In particular I'm going nuts with literature; it's my major, I used to be a good writer before I went creatively-dead, and I'm an arrogant fool about it anyway. But now it's crazy; I am run, run, running my mouth, making enemies, putting people down, putting myself on some completely hallucinatory pedestal.
The big difference this semester is that I am being a real son of a bitch to my roommates. I drank last semester, before I even tried to do sobiety seriously, but I kept it together around my roommates at least. This semester, I am out of control.
I am putting everyone down. All of the time.
I'm not even angry. I'm not. I just drink, and the moment I drink I just start compensating for something, for everything, and I do this by trying to make everyone around me feel worthless.
I'm ******* up, SR. I really am and I feel it. I had a few slips this Summer, but they were true slips. I knew I messed up; I figured out what happened, and I corrected it. I believed in sobriety even when they happened.
But that one last slip near the end was different; I really took the flavor, the hallucination, of the drinking life back in with that one, and sure enough now I'm here.
I don't know. This is different. I feel substancially worse from drinking this time around. Not the hangovers or blood rush or heart or anything; I just feel like an impersonater. The moment I take that sip I'm not me; I'm directing a body, not living it.
I feel completely crazy the moment I take a sip. And I am; I am totally out of control from then until sleep.
And this time around I'm a straight monster with it too. I really am. I've never been this cruel, this foolish, this despicable in all of my life.
I feel crazy. Really, truly crazy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Phoenix AZ
Posts: 165
I hear ya. If i pick up, i wont ever stop. And the crap makes me crazy too. I got sick of people telling me that, so i drank alone. U said youre in college now? I would be unable to read, write, study, or attend class. The only thing U can do is stop and shoot for another 4 months sober. Rootin For U!!!
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I'm sorry you're struggling QT.
Do you have any idea on action? what are you prepared to do to get back into recovery?
D
Do you have any idea on action? what are you prepared to do to get back into recovery?
D
I don't know how I keep doing it. I am an absolute monster when I drink now, and I don't know where it came from. I'm not a great guy or anything; I've had misogynistic undertones for a while, but when I'm sober I can be smart about it, see that hatred and meanness is stupid, and keep it down. But now I'm totally wreckless with it; I am flinging hatred everywhere.
And I am compensating, I don't know about what. But it's not just women I'm after, but everyone. I've got the "N" word in my head all the time, and when talking about gays I'm using the "F" word instead.
I'm absolutely low. I'm disgusting right now. My head is just filled with fantasy, delusion, and meanness. And I've never been mean; I really mean that. I never was. I don't know where I started to get all nasty about women , but it never came out anyway. But now I've got no control; no intelligence. Just a hateful *****. That's all I am.
I don't know what to do though. I don't know why I fell off. Don't know why I let it happen. I saw it happen in August; I forget when it was, but that one night of drinking was just so bad. It was just like now; I was really, really hateful. But it affected me; persuaded me.
It's like drinking is doing something new now. It's worse than ever before, but it's doing something new and I guess I just keep going back for some dumb thing or another.
I don't know. Feel awful. I just want to apologize to the dozen people I've offended in this single week alone, pull myself away from the world for a while, and get sober again. Remember what it's like. Remember what I need it for.
I dunno what's going on. I just don't. I've never been so confused and shameful before. I was always embarrassed about drinking when I quit in May, but this is different; I am truly ashamed of myself, of my drinking self. I am doing things now that can seriously ruin my life--- it's unbelievable. It's terrifying.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
I think beyond a point, abstinence is the only way out, and the only solution is to stop drinking - again, if need be. When we know exactly what's going on, it's worse because our self-esteem just totally tanks - we know we can't drink, but we're doing it anyways, out of control. Gotta quit again. 
Do you have local support group meetings of any flavor available?
Do you have local support group meetings of any flavor available?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 136
I gotta calm down tonight. I'm really in my head and I hate that I had to come back to SR with only the news of being a drunk again.
I gotta figure it out.
Tomorrow I can take the first step. A friend is coming to visit from my home town. She'll want to drink; I've got to tell her I'm not. She's a good person too; if I ask her not to drink she wouldn't, I know. Maybe I will if I get tempted.
She also knows I'm an alcoholic. She's one of the few people I've told. She doesn't really get it though--- even during this Summer she'd repeatedly invite me for drinks. One time in August, on my birthday, she even bought and poured me a glass of wine. ---So she's not the best person, I guess, I could have shared with.
But I've gotta say no to drinking tomorrow. I've gotta say No and then I've gotta say No to stocking up on alcohol and then I've gotta say No to all the voices that tell me otherwise.
But tomorrow I've gotta say No, and then I'll work from there.
I've still got my sober journal with me. I've been lying in it. But I've still got it. It still has the first couple of pages written when I'd started; pages of pledges to myself, commitment to sobriety, reminders of why I'm going sober and my eagerness for the future.
I'll read that too.
Say no, and read.
I gotta figure it out.
Tomorrow I can take the first step. A friend is coming to visit from my home town. She'll want to drink; I've got to tell her I'm not. She's a good person too; if I ask her not to drink she wouldn't, I know. Maybe I will if I get tempted.
She also knows I'm an alcoholic. She's one of the few people I've told. She doesn't really get it though--- even during this Summer she'd repeatedly invite me for drinks. One time in August, on my birthday, she even bought and poured me a glass of wine. ---So she's not the best person, I guess, I could have shared with.
But I've gotta say no to drinking tomorrow. I've gotta say No and then I've gotta say No to stocking up on alcohol and then I've gotta say No to all the voices that tell me otherwise.
But tomorrow I've gotta say No, and then I'll work from there.
I've still got my sober journal with me. I've been lying in it. But I've still got it. It still has the first couple of pages written when I'd started; pages of pledges to myself, commitment to sobriety, reminders of why I'm going sober and my eagerness for the future.
I'll read that too.
Say no, and read.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by JeffreyAK
I think beyond a point, abstinence is the only way out, and the only solution is to stop drinking - again, if need be. When we know exactly what's going on, it's worse because our self-esteem just totally tanks - we know we can't drink, but we're doing it anyways, out of control. Gotta quit again. Do you have local support group meetings of any flavor available?
Do you have local support group meetings of any flavor available?Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
The important thing is not to panic.
Try and keep perspective. All you need to do to start is not drink for a day, then back up again the next day, and the next. It may not be easy but it's not an impossible task either.
There are all kinds of recovery groups around from AA through to SMART, and LifeRing
That's an option worth considering if you're looking for meeting based real world support.
If you con;t work out which way to proceed these two links are excellent for helping you make up a recovery plan that will work for you.
https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf
https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...SMA12-4474.pdf
If you want to change - you can.
Absolutely no ifs ands or buts
D
Try and keep perspective. All you need to do to start is not drink for a day, then back up again the next day, and the next. It may not be easy but it's not an impossible task either.
There are all kinds of recovery groups around from AA through to SMART, and LifeRing
That's an option worth considering if you're looking for meeting based real world support.
If you con;t work out which way to proceed these two links are excellent for helping you make up a recovery plan that will work for you.
https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf
https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...SMA12-4474.pdf
If you want to change - you can.
Absolutely no ifs ands or buts
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Quiet, take a deep breath, you are absolutely manic right now. This is no time to get overworked about it, take a step back from the brink and look down. It may give you a better perspective of the precarious position you are putting yourself in right now every time you drink. Your best friend in your head at this very moment is your worst enemy. Remind yourself of that alter ego waiting to come out once you use the key of imbibing to unlock it. Don't let yourself destroy you, think before you drink lest you might sink.
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