Sudz No More

For almost the entire first 6 months up to the end of the first year I struggled with an impulsive memory of imbibing. It was the main reason I would relapse after about 90 days. I just couldn't get past the thought of how much I enjoyed drinking. It dogged me for years into relapse after relapse until finally one day it just clicked that I would need to abstain long enough for these psychological cravings to subside. Once I finally took that stand and made it past 6 months without a drink I was free from the chains that had bound me for so long. Save for a few moments until the end of the first year after 6 months I truly had made it beyond the curve. By the end of the first year I never thought about drinking again except for the occasional nagging visual cue in the store or signs in the street.

Fast forward to closing in on the end of year 3 sober and I have started to have these nostalgic thoughts run through my head about how great something tasted and how it's a shame I can't enjoy it anymore. Recently I gazed over at the huge selection of Octoberfest beers a supermarket in my area has and briefly wished I wasn't an addict so that I could go peruse the selections and choose a six pack to take home with me. The moment passed and I made it home without incident. I have noticed now though that what appears to be occurring to me has happened to me many times before in my life with anything. A memory of good concert I saw of a band that no longer plays wishing I could see them and knowing I could not. Or reminiscing about some great tennis matches I played when I was still in shape to play and wishing I could still play at that level and feel the glory. Well, now I am having these kind of nostalgic thoughts about drinking. Remembering the sheer joy I used to get out of enjoying a really well crafted beer and these thoughts have begun to spill over into the idea of drinking even the cheap junk I drank at the end to just get me high. I know these impulses are wrong and I immediately shut them off but nonetheless I find it curious that anything in life is attached to these nostalgic impulses and I simply now must ride the wave out of it. They do, in my experience fade over time no matter what memory in my life is causing it. I am just a bit annoyed that something I worked so hard to bury had to resurface in this way.

I don't believe I am in danger of relapsing or anything I just thought I should document it for others to gain wisdom from. We must always be vigilant because you just never know when you will be tested and it's too easy for us to forget and regret.

Here's to another great sober day and hoping you all are still enjoying the same.

doggonecarl

Our brain has the amazing capacity to make the most pleasant associations out of bits of memory. For us, those associations are dangerous because of where it could lead. I believe that when I start longing for the very thing that entrapped me, that it is my addiction at work...probing for a weak spot. And this is after 5 years sober. We can never let our guard down.

huntingtontx

I do know what you are talking about. I went out fishing on the boat, and boy did a cold beer sound good. I could almost taste it. I drank a cold tea and was happy with that. Funny thing, I never really liked the taste of beer. The mind is a strong thing. I am glad you posted. I have thought about this too.

Austin4Wyo

Been my experience that if I'm reminiscing about stuff like that (and its not just drinking..its activities, places, women, most everything), its because something now isn't being as pleasant as my expectations dictate. That, generally, is a cue for me to examine what I'm not presently doing to take care of myself.

It happened earlier...listening to some old Brooks & Dunn, reminiscing about country nights and wimmin' & whiskey that went with it from a decade ago, when the party was still fun. My brain forgets a polite list of things, like me not having much ability to talk to the ladies with or without booze, or me going home bitter because of it, and adding more booze to it afterward to continue being the victim. My brain didn't play that out until I poked in here...I just was thinking of the beginning of a night, when it seemed good, versus the end of all those nights...and so on...and so on...and so on ad nauseum.

I was tired today. A former female interest was on my mind, and she is the absolute epitome of country girl. I'm at a bit of a mundane point in my aftercare program, where I'm having some issues with too little or too much challenge. In short, I'm feeling sorry for myself, and looking at the past through some severely rose-colored Ray Bans.

So...I'll do a gratitude list before bed, maybe abstain from my usual country music and coffee ritual as I wind down, and make sure I get better rest tonight as I go into the week.

Thanks for this thread. I probably would have gotten there on my own, but its good to have a little jolt sometimes, and be reminded it can happen to any of us.

I agree...that awareness is key. For me, I have to consciously look at where its headed, and what motivates it. Then I have to take action. That whole personal responsibility part can be a pain...heh.

birdygal78

Thank you for posting this! Glad I'm not alone in that. Most of my relapses were because I found old pictures from parties that me and my friends went to almost every weekend. I miss my old crew and every time we hung out, we were drinking. So I associated the fun and family aspect to the drinking and figured if I drank, I would feel like those days never ended. PLOT TWIST... those good feelings do not come back. Just self loathing and disappointment from relapsing. And guilt from letting down those who carried me through this.
I wish I could remember this every time the craving came back.
Kudos on 3 years

Leshar

Thanks for a really great and helpful post. I've been struggling a lot lately at over two years sober, and I guess we just have to accept that we must always be vigilant because we have a disease.

Sudz No More

I'm glad the post is resonating with some here. I find it always helpful to try and look at myself from the outside when I feel challenged. The more we can look outside ourselves the more we begin to look within and see the truth where it lies. I've seen far too many complacent failures, too many times, too many years in to let it happen. It's only prudent that we learn is how easy it is to fail and how hard it is to succeed before making the foolish choices we will regret.

Aellyce

Your post and perspective definitely resonated with me. Unfortunately I don't have the time to reflect the way I wold want to, but know that I relate to your posts in general, I find them instructive, and I always appreciate when you make a note on my threads

ScottFromWI

I am coming up on 3 years myself and also still find myself waxing nostalgic about my drinking and this time of year especially. I was exclusively a beer drinker and this time of year and Oktoberfest upcoming was always a really good excuse to go out and drink more beer. And quite frankly, if I would have just drank one or two beers for the "taste" I probably wouldn't be here in the first place. But of course those few "good" beers were only a short warmup for the heavy lifting of cheap/quantity beer that always ensued afterwards for the express purpose of getting and staying drunk.

Looking at it from the outside in as you say really helps me remember why I don't just stop to try "one" of the latest.

BackToSquareOne

I often think back to my drinking days as I drank for over 30 years, I had a lot of great times in that period. The thing is that it doesn't really create a desire to drink as I've accepted it's no longer an option. If I go out with others who are drinking the thought that it would be nice to join them might pop up but they are only passing thoughts. I don't think you can really avoid the thoughts or situations.

freshstart57

I like the point being made that our memories typically reflect the pleasant aspects of our past. Some mindful effort easily reveals the truths around alcohol that drove us away from our responsiblities, from our family and friends, and from ourselves. These truths drove us to loneliness, anxiety, self-loathing, anger, depression and despair.

For me, the truth is I can drink and try to recapture those memories. The truth is I will fail because I tried to do that for years while drinking. The truth is that instead I will soon be in that dark bottomless hole, sinking deeper and deepr. The truth is I can drink, OR I can be happy, but I can't do both.

The truth is I deserve a better life.

Hang in, Sudz. You got this one.

Soberwolf

Fantastic post bud

SoberCAH

This certainly is a great post.

Sobriety involves a staggering amount of gifts that we receive.

From my perspective, those gifts are incalculable.

But sobriety also requires sacrifice, with abstinance from alcohol being the first and most critical sacrifice.

I liked beer - it was my drug of choice.

Jack Daniels, vodka, schnapps, brandy and liquers were also high on my list.

I could wax sentimenal about all of them and remember some rather amusing times.

But I have chosen to release these toxins from my system.

They are like snake venom to me today.

I have also tried to give up some equally toxic mental and emotional matters, such as anger, resentment, self-absorption, sarcasm and general negative thinking.

The harder I work at giving all of these harmful substances up (to God, in my case), the more frequently spiritual and other gifts show up on my doorstep, seemingly out of nowhere.

One of the many ironies in AA to me is the fact that my inability to drink again doesn't concern me (because I can drink), but my ability to drink does.

bigsombrero

Thanks very much, glad you passed this on. I am just past 3 years sober now and I get those weird feelings sometimes as well. I was down on the beach recently watching someone enjoy a beer and got the same twinge. I don't think I am in danger of relapse either, but it's good to remember: vigilance, vigilance, vigilance. There are plenty of ice cold drinks to cool off on a summer day at the beach - the reason I focused on that beer was because I'm an alcoholic. The reason I didn't drink it is because I value my recovery and enjoy my sober life. And that's exactly why you passed on that craft beer.

I think getting over alcohol is a lot like getting over heartbreak in a relationship. Grieve, mourn, but eventually you need to just put her out of your mind and move forward. Play the cards you're dealt. Thanks again for the great post, reflections, and reminders.

Notimetoloose

Great post...I think it really helps to talk about it...I am just under 2 years.

Along with the beginning of a beautiful spring and stresses about family ongoing health problems.
I, also have started having some nostalgic feelings relating to to drinking...these intrusive thoughts are promoting a romantic, relaxing few drinks...ugg...

No worries..Luckily, I don't drink!!...

Dee74

You have the perfect remedy for nostalgia Sudz - posts written by you that tell it like it really was.

I've no doubt we've both missed out on tasting a few new beers - but honestly, despite what my inner addict would have me believe, I rarely drank 'for the taste' and I'm sure you're the same.

If I had the thirst I'd drink homemade hooch made with boot polish and vegemite strained through a sweaty sock if it got me off.

sorry for the somewhat graphic imagery but c'mon man - you know it's true...

The good news is there are any number of non alcoholic drinks out there to tantalise and delight our taste buds

your inner addict voice is full of it.

D

Fly N Buy

I played a lot of baseball and coached as well. At times I'll see a 25 year old ball player pop one 375 ft into the stands. I think, man I bet I could still..........Ridiculous!

No, I can't. I had my turn at the plate and it's over. I don't torture myself with gee, poor me - I can't.

It's not that I can't drink - Indeed I can anytime - It's that I don' t want to. That season is over. I left no rock unturned. I went from the top shelf to the bottom shelf and am thankful I came through relatively unscathed.

I can't wait to see what my life without being drunk will become 10 - 15 years down the road. How many I may help including may own loved ones, perhaps. The season of selfish drinking and it's all about me is over.

When I have thoughts as you describe, I nod and move on. I am already eligible for the drinking Hall of Shame - don't need to garner more votes on my ballot!