trigger people/ help please!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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trigger people/ help please!
Today I am 47 days sober. I am really proud of hiw far I've come in that short time and am looking to expand my sober arsenal.
How do you deal with trigger people when they can't be avoided?
My inlaws have always been stressful for me to be around and in the past I used drinking as a way to "check out " whenever I had to spend extended time around them. They are visiting for the next few weeks, staying in our house because we live on the other side of the world.
I've asked my husband for support in interfacing with them but he has already proven that he does not/can not help. He seems to revert back to a child when they come around. I know that I have no control over his actions but the lack of support adds on to my frustration.
My plan so far is to try and keep my routine as best as possible and work out daily, meditate when I get over stressed but they've only been here 3 hours and I'm already getting anxious.
I wanted to drink tonight (the first serious craving I've had since I because sober). Instead I ate way too much sweets and junk food.
I would greatly appreciate any tips to get through the next couple of weeks.
How do you deal with trigger people when they can't be avoided?
My inlaws have always been stressful for me to be around and in the past I used drinking as a way to "check out " whenever I had to spend extended time around them. They are visiting for the next few weeks, staying in our house because we live on the other side of the world.
I've asked my husband for support in interfacing with them but he has already proven that he does not/can not help. He seems to revert back to a child when they come around. I know that I have no control over his actions but the lack of support adds on to my frustration.
My plan so far is to try and keep my routine as best as possible and work out daily, meditate when I get over stressed but they've only been here 3 hours and I'm already getting anxious.
I wanted to drink tonight (the first serious craving I've had since I because sober). Instead I ate way too much sweets and junk food.
I would greatly appreciate any tips to get through the next couple of weeks.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Kamm, I sympathise with your feelings especially with them staying so long.
First up, firmly rule out drinking as a way to cope. Eating's fine, going for a walk is good too, deep slow breathing helps. Try to keep to your routines, and involve your in-laws in activities where they are doing something. I had my restless mother ice little cakes for me, fold the washing etc.
With older people sometimes it helps to get them talking. Ask them about their childhood, what their parents were like, their sisters and brothers. Once they get talking you can sit back and let it wash over you, and you might find they have interesting stories.
You haven't actually said what the source of the tension is? Do they interfere?
First up, firmly rule out drinking as a way to cope. Eating's fine, going for a walk is good too, deep slow breathing helps. Try to keep to your routines, and involve your in-laws in activities where they are doing something. I had my restless mother ice little cakes for me, fold the washing etc.
With older people sometimes it helps to get them talking. Ask them about their childhood, what their parents were like, their sisters and brothers. Once they get talking you can sit back and let it wash over you, and you might find they have interesting stories.
You haven't actually said what the source of the tension is? Do they interfere?
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Margate, UK
Posts: 549
I get this. Mostly I'd cheerily announce that I had to go to the shop for something, then go and sit on the beach for an hour or two for some peace. After a while it may seem rude when you keep going out, but I gave up caring what they thought of me a long time ago. I'm an introvert, and bipolar. I need quiet time!
I dunno if this is possible for you though. Breaking it up into smaller chunks makes it more manageable.
Don't drink. You're better than that
I dunno if this is possible for you though. Breaking it up into smaller chunks makes it more manageable.
Don't drink. You're better than that
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,042
Ah family stress! And particularly in laws. I feel for you.
How about doing a big project? decorating a room, renovating the garden? They could join in or not, but would have an outlet for your feelings. Just imagine digging or painting instead of drinking (or screaming!). that would also involve lots of genuine trips to the DIY store, handy escape.
Good luck x
How about doing a big project? decorating a room, renovating the garden? They could join in or not, but would have an outlet for your feelings. Just imagine digging or painting instead of drinking (or screaming!). that would also involve lots of genuine trips to the DIY store, handy escape.
Good luck x
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 316
Thanks feelinggreat. That's a good idea to ask about their childhood. It's my mother in law mostly. She tries to tell me how to do.... Basically everything. I'm not raising my kid right or the house isn't cleaned how she would do it, or I'm not taking care of my husband(her son) the way he deserves. I am also an introvert and my inlaws are just... loud. They yell to communicate. They always have and it has always bothered me. Not sure entirely how to explain it but it makes me cringe when it starts. I've begun to walk out of the room when they start.
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Carver: thank you for that! I need to remember to not care what they think and leave for a breather whenever I need to and for however long I need. I tend toward people pleasing but I need to remember (more like chant repeatedly...) that my sobriety is more important and worth fighting for.
Fartogo: I've been wanting to upgrade a few parts on my bike.... this is as good a time as any to start. I need to get over feeling guilty about not entertaining them the whole time they are here! Its like because they spent the money to come I feel like I have to be the perfect hostess.
Fartogo: I've been wanting to upgrade a few parts on my bike.... this is as good a time as any to start. I need to get over feeling guilty about not entertaining them the whole time they are here! Its like because they spent the money to come I feel like I have to be the perfect hostess.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 464
Know exactly how this feels! I usually would go the same way, I'd just drink and I'd be more "welcoming" I guess.
Mostly I just got use to it since its going to happen sooner or later anyway. I like the suggestion of ruling out alcohol as an option that is a very good one.
Who cares if you ate junkfood or sweets, you're stressed out!
These people are invading your comfort zone, they're weird, judgemental and possibly have a million thoughts about you! I'm kidding but I know exactly how that feels.
I'd make myself super busy and set up a massive to-do list to keep my mind off things and whenever I had an idea that sounded fun I'd just do it and leave. It gets easier though with time.
Also just accepting that they're here and telling yourself you don't really care, this situation won't change you etc, helps alot too.
Mostly I just got use to it since its going to happen sooner or later anyway. I like the suggestion of ruling out alcohol as an option that is a very good one.
Who cares if you ate junkfood or sweets, you're stressed out!
These people are invading your comfort zone, they're weird, judgemental and possibly have a million thoughts about you! I'm kidding but I know exactly how that feels.
I'd make myself super busy and set up a massive to-do list to keep my mind off things and whenever I had an idea that sounded fun I'd just do it and leave. It gets easier though with time.
Also just accepting that they're here and telling yourself you don't really care, this situation won't change you etc, helps alot too.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Norfolk, MA
Posts: 792
Wow, Kamm!
Been there, done that.
I had the in laws people write shows about. My first visit to their house for the weekend, I ended up moving to another room when they started yelling/ talking . Then they followed me! I ended up in my room with the door shut. My boyfriend at the time, knocked and told me they wanted to know what's wrong! True story.
I don't know if you live near somewhere that your inlaws might like to sightsee? Or maybe your husband could take a day off to spend with them? It's him they really want to see, no offense, and your child. By all means don't alter your daily routine too much for them. Three weeks is a crazy long time to have ANYONE visit.
Also, do they know you don't drink anymore? Do they drink?
I finally found my strength in sobriety and stood right back up to the whole family. I wouldn't start it, but I decided I had a say in the relationship and spoke up. It made me feel so much better and like I counted.
Congrats on your 47 days! That is a good, strong start. You can do this!
"This too will pass"
Been there, done that.
I had the in laws people write shows about. My first visit to their house for the weekend, I ended up moving to another room when they started yelling/ talking . Then they followed me! I ended up in my room with the door shut. My boyfriend at the time, knocked and told me they wanted to know what's wrong! True story.
I don't know if you live near somewhere that your inlaws might like to sightsee? Or maybe your husband could take a day off to spend with them? It's him they really want to see, no offense, and your child. By all means don't alter your daily routine too much for them. Three weeks is a crazy long time to have ANYONE visit.
Also, do they know you don't drink anymore? Do they drink?
I finally found my strength in sobriety and stood right back up to the whole family. I wouldn't start it, but I decided I had a say in the relationship and spoke up. It made me feel so much better and like I counted.
Congrats on your 47 days! That is a good, strong start. You can do this!
"This too will pass"
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Hi Kamm! First off congrats on your sober time, I know you are working hard for it!
So try and not let them have you throw it away.
It sounds like you have a rigorous program for yourself, pretty smart.
Maybe a way of looking at if you are meditating is, self compassion to meditate on. That would mean being kind to yourself which includes not drinking so you may have a happy healthy life
And eventually, they gotta go home right?
So try and not let them have you throw it away.
It sounds like you have a rigorous program for yourself, pretty smart.
Maybe a way of looking at if you are meditating is, self compassion to meditate on. That would mean being kind to yourself which includes not drinking so you may have a happy healthy life
And eventually, they gotta go home right?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Couple of suggestions from a fellow introvert Kamm;
- Ask your MIL to cook her special dish, let her do it, you just chop the onions or whatever she needs, write it down so she knows you're taking it seriously. Praise to high heavens.
- If FIL is at all mechanically minded, let him help with the bike upgrade. If he's a handyman, mention a few things that are bothering you around the house. He'd probably be delighted to help.
- Let your MIL help with the housework if she wants, and do it her way as long as it doesn't disrupt your routines. She's probably going crazy without a routine and you're copping it.
- As suggested before ask them for their stories, then sit back and listen.
- Ask what your H was like as a child. Endless stories!!!
The trick is to get them to do most of the hard work of talking, while you relax and nod. Also any activity where you're doing things together can be a chance to concentrate on the task and let the social part come naturally.
- Ask your MIL to cook her special dish, let her do it, you just chop the onions or whatever she needs, write it down so she knows you're taking it seriously. Praise to high heavens.
- If FIL is at all mechanically minded, let him help with the bike upgrade. If he's a handyman, mention a few things that are bothering you around the house. He'd probably be delighted to help.
- Let your MIL help with the housework if she wants, and do it her way as long as it doesn't disrupt your routines. She's probably going crazy without a routine and you're copping it.
- As suggested before ask them for their stories, then sit back and listen.
- Ask what your H was like as a child. Endless stories!!!
The trick is to get them to do most of the hard work of talking, while you relax and nod. Also any activity where you're doing things together can be a chance to concentrate on the task and let the social part come naturally.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 316
Thank you all so much for the replies. I am definitely going to try some of the tips, especially asking for stories and help around the house.
Day 2 of their visit.... I'm not surd which is worse a worse day 2. Kidding really but it's been rough. Already gotten the "why are we eating out, why did you not cook" when it was hubby's preference to not eat what I prepped. Stupid really but for some reason I let it get to me. I am working on being so overly sesnsitive....
I may use this thread to vent during their visit and ask for advice on certain situations. This too will end! I will not drink. Cheesecake, however, is on the table.
Day 2 of their visit.... I'm not surd which is worse a worse day 2. Kidding really but it's been rough. Already gotten the "why are we eating out, why did you not cook" when it was hubby's preference to not eat what I prepped. Stupid really but for some reason I let it get to me. I am working on being so overly sesnsitive....
I may use this thread to vent during their visit and ask for advice on certain situations. This too will end! I will not drink. Cheesecake, however, is on the table.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Western Maryland
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Okay, forgive me here, but just because you are on the other side of the world doesn't mean there aren't any hotels right? Sanity in sobriety is important. You do not have to host people who a triggery to you. You are not a bed and breakfast, and you should not feel uncomfortable in your own home! If you can't get out of them staying there, then get out of the house, every day if you can even if just for a little bit. It's really hard to be "ON" for a couple weeks with no break. Are you in a touristy spot? Send your In Law's out for some sight seeing, and get a break from them.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
Hi Kamm
pretty early in my recovery I learned I can;t change people but I can do a lot to change the way I respond.
It didn't happen overnight but slowly I got to a place where what people said didn't matter as much any more because I was in touch with the real me and my real feelings.
I trusted that, and still do, more than someone else's skewed view
It's likely not going to be a great few weeks, but you absolutely can negotiate this and stay sober - you'll be so glad you did
D
pretty early in my recovery I learned I can;t change people but I can do a lot to change the way I respond.
It didn't happen overnight but slowly I got to a place where what people said didn't matter as much any more because I was in touch with the real me and my real feelings.
I trusted that, and still do, more than someone else's skewed view
It's likely not going to be a great few weeks, but you absolutely can negotiate this and stay sober - you'll be so glad you did
D
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
good job!. i have some in laws coming this weekend so i needed this thread. Usually i'm the quiet guy in the corner. Or i find excuses to leave the room or house. My issues are partly me and partly them. so its best if i just try and avoid situations if i'm not feeling right.
One I do now that is BAD is i'll sit on my smart phone and tune the world out. I find this behaivior SOOOOOOOOO RUDE and HATE when people do it in my pressence. BUT now that I own a smart phone I'll pull this same game on those who do it to me. Childish maybe but I'll just zone out doing whatever not even caring what they think why? becuase they never cared that it was RUDE when they did it to me so it must not be an issue to them so they probably dont mind and I get some sanity in my own little zone / bubble.
One I do now that is BAD is i'll sit on my smart phone and tune the world out. I find this behaivior SOOOOOOOOO RUDE and HATE when people do it in my pressence. BUT now that I own a smart phone I'll pull this same game on those who do it to me. Childish maybe but I'll just zone out doing whatever not even caring what they think why? becuase they never cared that it was RUDE when they did it to me so it must not be an issue to them so they probably dont mind and I get some sanity in my own little zone / bubble.
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