courage2

PS -- Here's another scenario: When your husband gets hospitalized, you can have to stop to puke in a paper bag on a streetcorner before you get to the hospital to see him. When your daughter is having trouble in her freshman year, you can be unreachable at the bars or more likely under a table. When your mother is in her final days, you can be in withdrawals and then too selfishly preoccupied with your own recovery to see her, and she can die alone. That's the way I played it. It wasn't so great.

alphaomega

Thank you for this D. This has given me pause.

He met me shortly before my sister OD'd in1985. I was 15, he was 16. We were supposed to go to Homecoming the morning I found her.

He has only ever known me as an active alcoholic. I started drinking very heavily shortly thereafter and would continue for the better part of 25 years.

Maybe part of me fears what and who we really are with all the stress and whatnot stripped away ? I've been working on myself the last 4 years in preparation for this exact moment. He'd fully admits he preferred to ostrich his way through it and firmly place his head deep in the sand.

I have fleeting moments of excitement at our prospects. He's in dread mode because he (like that godforsaken Stevie Nicks song) is afraid of changing because he built his whole world on her.

I swear, if I hear Cats in the Cradle right now....

alphaomega

This just made me cry. Hard.

Thank u for this. ((((((C))))))

Tooshabby

((((Darling Courage))))

This thread just prompted me to give my son a big hug and tell him I love him (he's 6 foot 5, so that's no mean feat!) I've made so many awful mistakes due to drinking, but I can still love today. Thank you.

Jeni26

Hi AO. God, do I understand where you are at. Last September my daughter started uni and my son moved in with his girlfriend, oh and my Dad died and I changed jobs.

Ugh...I didn't think I would be able to cope, and I didn't for a while. I went back to drinking and my H followed. We didn't give our relationship time to settle and grow.

I did the same things you are doing...looked at families with kids and desperately wanted those years back again. I forgot to live in the present. To look at what I had there right now and be grateful for that.
I didn't want to live in an empty house without hearing the chatter of my kids.

A year later...I've been sober for coming up 6 months, and my H is not. The kids have moved back in, plus we now have my son's girlfriend living with us while they save for their own place. My daughter goes back to uni in a few weeks for her 2nd year and is blossoming into a beautiful caring yet independent young woman who I'm immensely proud of.

The thing that is a little bit broken now is my marriage. Not unfixable...but we are walking different paths . It's hard to connect with someone who is drinking. I threw away the chance to build a new and stronger marriage because I was too caught up in what I'd lost to focus on what I had.

Your marriage has lasted a long time, as has mine. It's time for you two now maybe to adapt and grow. It might turn out to be way better than before. Who knows?

Sending you love and hugs ❤️ Xx

Berrybean

What an honest description. It too me back to my own feelings in early sobriety (except that my partner was / is still drinking). And that initial shock that, without alcohol being involved, sitting around in bars is a bit, well, boring, (I don't mind if there's a band on, or if I'm having a meal now, or if I'm catching up with some sober friends, but otherwise I can't be comfortable there long).

In some ways, being back at home is easier than being on holiday. Maybe because I feel that there's a bit of pressure on me on holiday to 'Be Happy' and 'Have Fun' and 'Enjoy Myself' - all capitalised and in a big bold voice. And actually, nowadays it's more a feeling of contentment and serenity and well-being that I have. It's hard to describe. It certainly isn't 'lesser' than those other more obvious (and temporary) states.

Anyway - it took me a while, but that feeling of being out of sorts; irritable and discontent; and obsessing over alcohol does pass. It just takes time. And you'll find other things to do and places to go. Maybe no immediately - and some of the things you enjoy might be very different to what you enjoyed before so you'll need to almost stumble on those things to find them.

If you haven't read 'Monkey on My Shoulder' or 'Living Sober' yet, I really do recommend those. Getting sober is one part of your recovery, and learning to live contentedly sober is another part, and it can't happen quickly unfortunately. I can't say it's going to be easy, but it IS worth it. For me, AA has been a big part of my recovery, and I have learn a lot from the people there, changed a lot of my thinking (my old ways were making me feel quite miserable, and quite dependent) I have made some amazing friends, and also added some structure and routine to my life outside the house and work.

Good luck with getting back to work (computer systems *shudder* sound like quite a challenge) and your family. Things DO get better. x

alphaomega

You are so right Becky. There is this underlying psychological expectation to have to be on autopilot happy mode while on holiday.
Truth is, I'm not.

I'm able to appreciate it, for what it is, but I'm not able to connect to it as it is. And that pressure to enjoy is making me even more anxious because I'm thinking I'm missing out.

To add insult to injury, one of my newest employees is bipolar and acting manic and aggressive. No one takes that lightly anymore.

Truth. Perpetually stranger than fiction.

And even though I'm 8 months sober, I feel straight up hungover today.

Berrybean

Where are you on holiday? Any chance of popping to a meeting to get back grounded. I went to one half way through my holiday in Devon and it made a big difference,and I was able to relax a little, stop thinking too much (as we are apt to do when given too much time on our hands) and enjoy what was left a little more as it was a bit of a release.

Or could you go and do something that's a bit more active - even if it's not something you'de usually consider. (Next time I go away I'm going for a city break to keep more occupied - maybe York, maybe London).

Take care

emilynghiem

Dear AO: If you can handle the sadness, and not let it get too negative or extreme, it can be used as a neutral meditative state to work through and self-evaluate while you don't have billion things going on. You are right, that people will find ways to want what the other person has; but often the opposite is true, where we can find as many people who make us "glad we are not them!" for each person who seems to have it better, there are always those who remind us how good we do have it. It comes out equal in perspective.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. To ease your mind, and possible boost your mom's energy level to fight off the infection, I have a good resource for free help. I'm not sure of the rules here, and if I can post this online as a free counseling, referral even though I have permission to post on the web in general. I could PM you the number if that's better?

If you really are looking to fill the sad space with more activities to focus on, I could recommend a list of nonprofit groups that are constantly in need of more help to meet the demand. Any number of these groups could either inspire you to get involved, or as stated before, make you GLAD you are not the people they are helping. At the very least it might make you grateful that you aren't in a completely oppressed dire situation. Again, not sure I can post nonprofits on here as resources, but if you look up any anti-trafficking group trying to rescue women and children from slavery and abuse, or the groups trying to help Vets with PTSD or military sexual trauma, the nonprofits helping these people are so overwhelmed with the demands they cannot meet, any help would be welcomed.

Take care and enjoy your time to contemplate slowly and deeply, just don't let it go overboard. I can think of a lot of people who might envy you for having time to sit still. What a luxury in my world. Hope that makes you smile inside and breathe a bit easier. Yours truly, Emily