alphaomega

I'm in a bad headspace and I need to think this out and through.

I'm now an empty nester. It's real and stark. DH and I took off for a romantic weekend to try to find our new normal. It's awful and awkward so far.

I equate this feeling to being gainfully employed for 18 years and suddenly being laid off. What to do with our time now ? We are at a lovely Inn in Maine. And there are freaking babies and toddlers everywhere. Whilst sipping our mock tails, we longingly watched the overtired parents chase after their toddlers. Chatted it up with a few.

Funny, we wanted to trade places with them. They wanted to trade places with us. That damn greener grass saying comes to mind...

I want to drink. Sip wine by the ocean. But I don't sip. I glug. I wish so darn bad I wasn't romancing the lie. I have eaten all the sweets. Walked all the shore. Played all the badminton. Sat in all the adorondacks. And yet, still, the only thing I can focus on presently is sadness and wine.

I'm frustrated even moreso that I'm wasting time thinking and entertaining the lie.

Soon enough, I will be back to a frightening reality at home. My mother has blood poisoning and some sort of rare infectious disease that won't allow her out of the hospital.

And then there is work. Oh, work. A new computer system awaits my undivided attention. That should be a whole nother level of good times. :/

I'm just confessing my sins.

I'll take my penance now.

Thanks for listening.

Dee74

I have no experience with empty nesting but I have gone from sharing houses for many years, to living alone.

I HATED it at first, but now I wouldn't have it any other way.

17-18 years is a long time to drop a sudden big change in there AO - give it some time...you will be OK I promise

Prayers continuing for your mom as well

D

silentrun

Tomorrow you will be vomiting for reals. Mine doesn't leave until Saturday so I am still a few days away from that. Plus mine is only an hour away so if I need a kid fix I could drive and stake out her dorm room. Sigh....being stuck with the old man full time...sigh.

I'm sorry about your mom. You are under a lot of stress right now. It's a lot to deal with even for somebody who isn't trying to escape alcoholism.

Notimetoloose

Hugs Ao..Its a process, another process..!!! change in all its glory...
....and definitely a new first to work through, albeit a big one!..she will be back and then gone again and each time it will be a little different and a little easier....
..as long as we don't answer adjusting to change with drugs or alcohol we are doing ok...
You are doing great, talking and posting, thats wonderful.

Tooshabby

The grief and loss associated with children leaving home is very real. I often look at parents with their little ones and feel sad and a kind of envy.

It's wonderful you have gone away for a weekend together, despite the awkwardness. I have every confidence you will get through this rough patch, AO. It's only natural you feel vulnerable at the moment. It's an indication of what a beautiful mother you are, among other things. Sensitive. I really admire how you allow yourself to *feel*. So brave - you really know how to live :-)

alphaomega

Thanks guys.

I feel a little ashamed. Like waaaahhhhh poor poor pitiful me. Im finding myself saying to myself - oh suck it up buttercup.

But I can't you know ? My family dynamic has changed.

And I like my husband enough, but sometimes TBH, I like him a little better when I'm drunk.

If you pick up what I'm putting down. Lol.

What a weird and woeful time this is.

I guess I think I want to drink because that's what we always did. When we would finally get some alone time, we reconnected vis a vis alcohol.

JK130

If you liked those random adorable babies and toddlers, think how much you are going to enjoy grandbabies��

MIRecovery

I have found time and time again that long term sobriety is about how well I adapt to change. If something isn't working in my life instead of trying to make the old work I have embrace the new.

Acceptance of the way things are is a huge part of my recovery I don't have to like it but I have to accept it. My wife and I are empty nester and we love it. We see a lot of our children but we see them on our terms. When they aren't around we are having a grand old time doing what we like to do.

Dee74

The relationship dynamic must change I think AO - we're not the same people....

but I do believe we are our authentic selves sober and I would wager that's the AO your husband fell in love with, and vice versa.

Maybe give that a little time too?

D

Tooshabby

lol - "random adorable babies and toddlers".....good point!

If it's any consolation AO, I did drank last night, made a fool of myself and feel nothing but shame and regret about it. It's so not worth the emotional torment we feel afterwards. Honestly. And you are not being self-pitying. It's a good thing you are expressing these feelings and not drinking over them :-)

maia1234

AO- Count your blessings, you are sober and have a marriage. My 34 year relationship went south when my last left for college. Kids left and so did AH. I could never get him back.

So remember there is always someone worse off then you. Hugs my friend, enjoy the peace and quiet and getting to know you husband again!! You are blessed!!

alphaomega

We actually entertained adoption tonight. I even said - I still have my ovaries, let's get a surrogate. He was totally on board lol.

He loves being a poppa. This is really hard on him too. He weeps at random moments. We just hold each others hands when the other is having a low moment. No words need to be said.

I was struggling so hard tonight to not buy wine and he just moved me along in the other direction.

This is all so real. The realist real it's ever been. And it's giving me a stomach ache. And the agita.

Gahhhhhh !!!!

ArtFriend

Yep.. you are blessed AO. I have no children to fret about nor a partner to drink mocktails with. It is all perspective.

(((AO))))

alphaomega

That's just awful. Awful. I'm so sorry.

I was reading a Yik Yak tonight (talk about entertaining, yikes) and one of the kids said - "well I'm glad my parents waited 1.5 days after I left to get divorced. My father told my mother today he has been having an affair for 3 years and wants a divorce." My heart sunk for that woman.

alphaomega

YES !!! So true. And that is what's frustrating me even more. That all I can do right now is obsess over stupid alcohol.

I'm nauseating myself with myself.

ArtFriend

Alcohol is a jealous lover. It will not go down easily. Fight it with all you have.

dwtbd

Walking the shore line, sitting in an Adirondack people watching is where you find/make relaxation, a time out, some "me time" for a break and some space. None of those, even if you don't utilize them to their full potential will kill you for trying.
It sounds as if there is a part of your thinking that still identifies those qualities in alcohol. Is it even remotely true? Don't debate that part, don't talk yourself into proving that either right or wrong. Dig that part out, disassemble the links between alcohol and any advantage or positive. Rewrite your posts and substitute the word vomit, romancing vomit , cmon.
Rooting for ya

Venecia

Don't drink.

Upwardspiral

AO, if it's any sort of consolation, this post just helped me empathize with my mom 16 years after I left home angry at her. We had been fighting a lot during my junior year in high school and she was actually the one who told me to get lost; to move in with my very strict grandparents and see how I liked that. So I did. The day I moved out I saw and heard the regret she was feeling but it just fuelled my anger and I never looked back.
We've come a long way since then but we're not close. I'm only now able to let myself imagine how painful that must have been for her. I've got a letter to write! Thank you.

courage2

AO, my fall to my bottom started in a mild enough way the spring of my son's junior year in high school, SAT season. By the time he left for college I was pretty deep in my drinking scene, and 3 years later, when I was 49, I only had two thoughts: a) I was going to drink everything I could before I turned 50; and b) I wanted to be dead. It is absolutely no coincidence that my son had left home.

Don't use this as an excuse for a mid-life crisis (like I did). It's not a crisis. Having one's children grow up and move into their own more independent lives is a normal part of life and it's supposed to happen.

Relearning your husband after almost 2 decades of child-raising is a big, fascinating, worthwhile job. So is building a different but solid relationship as a sober adult with an increasingly independent young woman who is also your daughter, & so is helping your mother get comfort and care. These are all wonderful things. I hope you learn to look on them with joy.

((AO))