AllieFox

A big part of why I stopped drinking and remain sober is to be a good father for my son (18 months old). I know they say that you must overcome addiction for yourself, but my son is myself, and being sober for him is so deeply meaningful and important for me. Here's why.

My dad was/is an alcoholic. Looking back I can clearly see that slow and steady alcohol abuse wore him down, stole his soul and left him lost and crippled. From my early childhood experiences, I know that before alcohol took its toll, he was a good, happy and absolutely lovable father. But since my parents divorced when I was 12, I've only seen him a handful of times (36 years old now) and all those times were instigated by me.

In particular, I recall a time when I took my new girlfriend to visit my dad. For some reason I thought it would be ok to drop by to his place unannounced.

It was about 10am. I knocked on his front door for a while but got no response. His car was in the driveway, so I went around to the back door of his house where his bedroom was and continued knocking. Eventually, he came to the door and looked very disheveled and had obviously been woken by my knocking. I was instantly embarrassed and knew the visit was a bad idea.

Dad was apologetic and tried to be engaging and welcoming as I introduced my new girlfriend. We got chatting and I recall we went about checking some electrical issue with my car. Anyways, somehow my Dad got talking to my girlfriend about how if he was a girl he would only ever pursue rich guys and would try his best to marry a rich guy and that it wasn't worth marrying poor guys considering you could find a rich guy just as easily and comparable. What the f**k? I was not rich by any means at the time.

Then as we were leaving, I asked my Dad, "Do you know what day it is today?" I was not confrontational, rather genuinely interested to know whether he knew the answer. He did not. I told him that it was my 21st birthday. I cried uncontrollably as we drove away. I'd always wondered whether he thought of me on my birthdays because I never received any cards or calls from him. Now I had my answer.

So that's why I'm desperate to ensure that my son has a sober dad who's not crippled by alcohol. Its so sad to think that I've been travelling down the same road as my dad and terrifying to think that some day my son might have to endure the pain I felt on my 21st birthday.

I want to be the dad who's fresh, alive and happy on Saturday mornings at his son's cricket game. I want to be the dad who's involved in every aspect of his son's life. I want to be fully present when my son needs my help and advice. I want to be a role model for my son so he finds positive direction in his life and effective ways of navigating challenges that will arise for him. I want to be someone who my son can be proud about.

I can't drink and be the good dad that I so desperately want to be.

Is being a sober parent important to anyone else? Did your dad let you down or did you let your son down?

Thanks for listening.

ScottFromWI

Being a sober parent and husband was a huge motivator for me to get sober as well. I did not have an alcoholic father, but I am one without question. I applaud your decision on many levels.

Dee74

I'm not a parent and my dad is a normal drinker...but I think it's admirable you've decided the buck stops with you, for your sons benefit

D

JK130

Such a beautiful post! Your little one is blessed!

chicory

I had an alcoholic father, and mother as well. I recall many times that I just accepted the absent parent at events, or the times of embarrassment , knowing in my small town, my dad was the town drunk, or one of them.

A hug for your sadness- I understand.

Your post is beautiful. I believe that what we want with all of our hearts is what we will do. You are doing it, and I applaud you.
best wishes for you, and your precious son. He's a lucky little guy. That childhood goes by so quickly, and then will come grandbabies. It happens quicker than you think. Enjoy each moment.

suki44883

Thank you for your post, AllieFox. My father was an alcoholic and I remember feeling let down by him. After he left my Mom and me for another woman (also an alcoholic), he would sporadically come by to visit me and it was always on a Sunday. I remember waiting outside for him to show up every Sunday afternoon. I was often disappointed, but the occasions that he actually showed up made me very happy.

Unfortunately, I also became an alcoholic and I know that I was a disappointment to my daughters during those years. I hate that it happened, but I cannot change the past. Both of my girls are now grown and on their own. We all have a good relationship; however, I know that they remember how it was when they were younger. I wish I could take all that away, but I can't. I just have to try to be the kind of Mom that they need now. I'm sure I still make mistakes, but at least I'm not drinking now.

Delfin

Beautiful post, AllieFox. I got sober mostly for my daughter (and because of my shame and exhaustion due to drinking). I honestly can't think of anything more wonderful I can give my daughter than a sober, fully-present mother. I hated the disappointment and anger in her face when she smelled alcohol on me.

Be well,

Delfin

Crysalis

My mother was an alcoholic and died of it - mostly of malnutrition.

When I was a teenager going to Al Anon everyone was a spouse of an alcoholic and I used to wonder where all the other children of alcoholics were, I think I know now, they like me are probably more suited to AA.

Its hard but sometimes I think about her death, wasting away because of the drink - I used to wonder why she would want to drink and die rather than stay alive for her children.

Then I ask myself would I want that for myself? Would I want to end up like that and it makes me a little more determined.
Lots of love
x

Soberwolf

Nice post

AllieFox

I'm sure your daughters are happy to have their mum back. Despite everything, despite over 20 lost years, I'd still welcome back my Dad if he put down the bottle and came looking for me. That's how important mums and dads are.

AllieFox

Yeah, my son is only 18 months but when he looks into my eyes it feels like he's looking into my soul. Its very powerful and there's no hiding from him.

AllieFox

So, so sorry about your mum. In a way, I feel kind of a sense of appreciation about my Dad. Its like he took a bullet for me so I always have a reference for what not to do. On one hand I feel this gravity pulling me down the same path he took and then I see (through my dad's experience) where that path leads and it gives me some energy to resist.

DonnieB

Your post really hit a nerve here. I am a dad who has lost every connection with his 30 something yr old son and daughter. All because of the poison. Kids carry painful memories with them well into adulthood- our continued drinking kills these special connections. If you are reading this post because it speaks a little to your situation- read it all again. Allie Fox is much wiser now than I was at his age.

Delfin

Geez, AF, this made me tear up. You are such a forgiving person. Not many people like you in this world.

Delfin

Music

I'm an alcoholic. Been sober almost 39 years. My 51 year old son blames me for a lot of his problems. It's been about 4 years since we've talked but he has contacted his brother and sister. He's broken off communications with them because they've asked him when he's going to stop blaming me for his sad state of affairs and take come responsibility for his own decisions.

Getting sober isn't about your son, however admirable your intentions are. It's all about you and here's the reason. If you get sober for your son, what happens when he grows into a young man, meets someone and moves out? NO MORE REASON TO STAY SOBER!! Pat yourself on the back for doing such a great job and go out and celebrate. My youngest (daughter) just turned 45 years old, my young son just turned 49 and I was 22 when my 51 year old son was born. My young son and daughter are going great. Both have families and are successful in what they're doing. My older son is somewhere in CA and is self-medicating in an attempt to deal with whatever problems he has. So much for making smart decisions.

AllieFox

Thanks DonnieB, sometimes it feels like the alcohol is almost intelligent and down right evil in the way it selectively and covertly destroys the most cherished aspects of life.

AllieFox

Thanks Music, you are right. I'm searching and finding day by day my personal reasons for being sober. I find the boundaries between my "self" and everything else can be a bit blurry though.

Your comment really opened my eyes to the idea that sobriety is truly for a life time and I need to take a sustainable approach for the changes, challenges and even the great surprises that will surely happen.

I wish you the best with your son and family. I noticed different reactions among my siblings to my father's alcoholism. Throughout his life, my young brother seems to actively pursue the antithesis of what our dad represented. I don't think he's got any love or time for my dad. My older brother seems deeply hurt by loss of our dad and seems to be working through this loss/rejection his whole life. This brother tries to do the right thing with his life but seems burdened and has struggled with addiction. I think I ignored/buried my hurt and the repercussions caught up with me in the end. I feel like in some unconscious way, I wanted to follow my dad into the wilderness to see what he found and whether I was able to save myself when he could not.

Anyways, I guess we all react in different ways to trauma in our lives. I hope your son comes through ok.

gaffo

I got sober for many reasons but my kids are definitely a big one. My 9 year old daughter told me that she's glad I'm not a drunk dad the other day and that felt pretty good. They were both very young when I quit so I don't think they have any memory of me being drunk. It makes me feel proud of myself to be sober all the time, I'm ready for anything that happens. A friend of mine narrowly avoided "reckless child endangerment" charges (yikes!) at the end of his drinking career and it was a milestone moment for me for sure! If, God forbid, I ever had to take my kids to the ER I would not smell of beer.