boris

Ive always tried to do the right thing always been the good guy but as you lot know. In the last few years its all unravelled. Everytime i think im getting better, i get urges. Yes its true i havent had a drink but i may as well as. My soal wants one, i feel a total loser

Gilmer

I'm sorry. You are not a loser!

I'm glad you're not drinking.

freshstart57

Urges come and go, and they don't control our actions. I have learned to observe my urges without getting wrapped up in them, and then I can accept that they will show up from time to time.

As the brain comes to understand that these urges will no longer be acted on, no matter how they appear, they become weaker and less frequent.

ScottFromWI

Drinking will make it all worse Boris. Have you ever explored any local support like meetings or counseling? Being around others who have the same issues can really be of benefit.

Fly N Buy

My "urges" or cravings were pretty much mental. I know this is not true for everyone. But if that's what you're experiencing we simply have to find a way to not act on the mental thought.

If physical, a doctor's intervention is probably prudent.


Most of has zero self esteem when we drank and started sobriety. None of us thought - Gee, I am having a great day and wonderful life!

Think I'll pop in to recovery website and say hello!!

For me it was walking into the rooms of AA - but same concept. No body I have met in AA decided things were soooo great that they kill some time and go to some AA meetings.

The point Boris is you are not alone. There are ways past the self esteem issue - the pity party routine. There's no reason you can't do this with us.

A year ago I was where you are. I made a decision regardless of what happened I would not drink. I signed up here, started an outside program - finally listened to other who had stacked some sober time and put the drink away . For today.......

Come join us Boris!!!
Love your dog - he look awesome

boris

Im not new at this game. I have had a councillor been sectioned. U name it ive done it. I just cant cope. Sorry

happybeingme

No need to apologize. Some have a harder time then others. Anything specific going on? Or are you just kind of hanging out stressing yourself?

Fly N Buy

Ok, fair enough. I don't know your history and I have no idea what the lingo you just used means.

Why did you previously slip and what are you going to do differently to stay sober? I found self reflection useful to a point - but when I become self loathing I had to get outside of myself and take some action or I would simply sit in a pile of resentment towards myself and others. Beating myself up became fruitless.

Will you seek counseling again? Did that help any?? Outside meetings, perhaps?

zjw

I know that feeling. I all but shut down in early sobriety. and not exactly willingly either. I think my mind shut down a lot of stuff too as a way of protecting my sanity or what was left of it anyhow. In time little by little i was able to tackle and cope with more stuff. But my god it was not easy. and even now at 4 years sober I"m still learning.

Its hard I'm a grown man and still learning how to cope with adult stuff etc.. maybe everyones still learning? but drinking for al those years and ignoreing it all rather then learning to cope did be a big disservice.

It gets better in time.

Dee74

Hi Boris

I drank for a lot of years and that really ate into my self esteem...it took a while but the longer I stayed away from booze and drugs the better I felt about myself.

If you're still not feeling that, I think the suggestions here are good...even if you've done them before why not try AA and/or counselling again...

We change, and sometimes doing something we tried before can help us more a second time.

The worst thing you could do is drink again...you may think it wouldn't be much worse than where you are now, but I promise you it will be.

D

TrixMixer

Well Boris,
I have written tis reply to you 3 times now and each time something goes wrong and it is erased--maybe it is a sign?? I am going to try one more time.

Count yourself among the many others here who want so badly just to be "Normal" again. but what is normal for an alcoholic predisposed by genetics to suck up alcohol every chance they get.

Yes that is what happens once we start --Alcohol is a bear to get out of our life. So I ask myself were we ever really Normal (for what ever that definition would be).. I dare say NO, that is why alcohol can sneak it's way into our lives, allowing us to believe it will make those troubling insecure thoughts of ours less painful.

.....and for a while it does just that, allows us to push our self doubts away for a few hours, but the problems that started this downward spiral are still there in the morning. As this disease progresses the drink now becomes another ball and chain around our self esteem.

This disease is INSIDEOUS! Once it has us it is nearly impossible to get it out of our lives, the only thing we can hope for is quiting completely and getting sober. There are no guarantees that once sober the big A won't pull us back down. FOREVER vigilant is all we can be.

I believe you still are the GOOD and Kind Person, but we all have doubts about ourselves, after all we are only human, and Normal is just a word that does not have one definitive answer for all.
That is why when we come through this dark state into the light of sobriety we have been blessed enough to have examined ourselves inside out. ......and if there ever were a time we might be brave enough to call ourselves NORMAL it will be then. Higher beings then when we started our life.

Failure comes with the territory. So many find this need so overwhelming we cannot or do not want to even admit we have a problem. You have taken the first step---do you realize how courageous that is---now stay strong, come to your friends her and let them keep you strong. ONLY YOU CAN DO this though--none of us can tell you how. You must find the strength to navigate the pitfalls of this journey. If you want it bad enough one day you will be free.

We recovering alcoholics are VERY special people--I believe higher beings because of this journey.

May you find the strength to com out of the Rabbit Hole---but that's coming from the Chesire cat in me.

TrixMixer

boris

I am still sober. Still self hating but im trying to see the good in life. Thankyou for all of the replys. It means alot

Berrybean

I think we all still get urges from time to time, because we are still alcoholic which means that pilot light is still on. We can be careful to avoid slippery places and people, and work on our recovery, and that quietens the AV for the most part, but every so often, like a nagging child, it will pipe up and try to manipulate us again; and if we are accepting responsibility for our AV / nagging child voice then we acknowledge it, and tell it 'No' very firmly, then use all the recovery strategies we've been learning to get back to a place of serenity.

Mine unexpectedly popped up last night after I did a share at a recovery centre (ironic eh!!), and I must admit it did rattle me. It's just sods law that both my Sponsor and AA Best Buddy are away on holiday at the moment as well. But I have a meeting I can drive to shortly, and responding to posts like this helps me to re-process what I have learnt and has kept me sober so far.

Take care.

Dee74

Good to see you back posting Boris

D

Holds1325

How long sober?

I seem to be in this rut after 5 weeks although its gotten only slightly better. Yesterday for the first time I went on a drive and wasn't raging about my thoughts or situation, I was for the most part calm but still stressed.

So it is getting better I guess, just not as fast as I'd like!

mcfearless

Is that a Boxer dog I see in your profile pic ?

Whenever life is a bit of a drag, I take my boxers outside and just get silly with them. A bit of rough and tumble and rolling in the grass with them. Within minutes I'm giggling and belly laughing like a child while those lovable idiots slober me with licks.

Beneath these twisted, anxious, uptight, broken and lost lives we live, I guarantee you that there's a child in there, and that child has an insatiable appetite for joy.

Mags1

Hiya boris

Stoogy

Yes its true i havent had a drink but i may as well as. My soal wants one, i feel a total loser.

Hi Boris, just in my experience when I started thinking that way it was I would call a red flag moment and I then had a beer in my hand within a week or so.. I totally understand your feelings as I'm sure we all do, but just focus on today first of all and you may feel a lot better tomorrow.

Rootin for ya buddy.