Is it necessary for one to hit bottom before they quit drinking?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Riverview, MI
Posts: 20
Is it necessary for one to hit bottom before they quit drinking?
I posted my first and only thread right here not too long ago. Please, read it and then post back here about this subject.
My dad rarely admits fault, and I don't think he'll ever admit this fault, a fault of alcoholism, without myself, my mom, and brother confronting him about this. I think then, after we told him how we all felt, he'd feel slightly more comfortable admitting his problem, which is the first step.......or is it? Is it necessary for one to "hit bottom" before they decide to quit?
As always, all help and feedback is appreciated!
Sincerely,
David J
My dad rarely admits fault, and I don't think he'll ever admit this fault, a fault of alcoholism, without myself, my mom, and brother confronting him about this. I think then, after we told him how we all felt, he'd feel slightly more comfortable admitting his problem, which is the first step.......or is it? Is it necessary for one to "hit bottom" before they decide to quit?
As always, all help and feedback is appreciated!
Sincerely,
David J
Castaway
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 783
Hi David,
I really feel for you and your family. No, you can't make your father quit drinking. You can only be responsible for yourself. Alcohol addiction robs a person of their life, but it doesn't have to rob you of yours. You have much to live for. I think it's okay to let your father know he has a problem, but don't expect him to do anything about it in a hurry. I know it made a difference to me when my sons told me I had a problem, but it still took me some time to understand and accept it. Let us know how things are going.
Sandy
I really feel for you and your family. No, you can't make your father quit drinking. You can only be responsible for yourself. Alcohol addiction robs a person of their life, but it doesn't have to rob you of yours. You have much to live for. I think it's okay to let your father know he has a problem, but don't expect him to do anything about it in a hurry. I know it made a difference to me when my sons told me I had a problem, but it still took me some time to understand and accept it. Let us know how things are going.
Sandy
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
DJ-
Most people who decide to quit using come to some sort of bottom line....Some have a much lower bottom than others. Some people can loose everything they have and still keep using while others when confronted by family and friends agree that they must change.
Sandy gave some very right own advise about keeping the focus on your life and living your own life and don't let anyone even a close family member take your peace from you!!! Take care and keep posting.
Most people who decide to quit using come to some sort of bottom line....Some have a much lower bottom than others. Some people can loose everything they have and still keep using while others when confronted by family and friends agree that they must change.
Sandy gave some very right own advise about keeping the focus on your life and living your own life and don't let anyone even a close family member take your peace from you!!! Take care and keep posting.
Mostly Sunny Skies
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Mountain Top, WV
Posts: 62
Start planning your happy new life!
David,
I'm sure there are thousands of us who could write the exact same story. I know I could, my brother could, most of my cousins could, and most of my boyhood friends could. My children, my nephews, and my cousin's kids could.
I like to think that my generation is a little better than my parent's generation. But, it unfortunately took most of us to get to your mom and dad's age to finally come to that realization. Many of us now have really great relationships with our grown children (and grandchildren). We did change.
I never hit bottom. My brother never hit bottom. My closest cousin never hit bottom. Several of my good friends never hit bottom. But at some point, most of us came to a realization that alcohol was robbing us of our life, and making life miserable for those around us.
My cousin and I sat at his wife's deathbed one evening and he realized what an a$$ he had been to his wife and kids. We were in our early-40s. His kids were about 10 and 12 at the time. Although I doubt she could hear or understand him, he swore to her that he would never take another drink again. That was almost 15 years ago. He had some rough times, but he made it. It made him a much better father, and a much better cousin.
One day, my brother reached for the bottle about ten in the morning. It angered him so. In his mind, he saw that he had turned out just like our father. He went for treatment. That was about 10 years ago. His life is much better, and it is for most of those around him. One son never forgave him, and may never. It is unfortunate. His son is now depriving himself and his children from seeing a grandfather who is a truly great mentor to many. I hope that before one or the other is gone, they can make up. Most of the hurt was caused by alcohol. But, the steps in the right direction were made.
I too went through it. I started to cut down about ten year ago, and have been sober 99% of the time for about the past three years (I still slip now and then -- that's why I'm here.) The strained relationships I had with my children have turned around. We are closer than we've ever been, and they have wonderful families. We immensely enjoy each other's company. Neither of my children, nor their spouses, ever touch alcohol.
When I was your age, I'd had it. I hated to see my dad killing himself. I had a menial evening job, and I moved out of the house my senior year of high school. I got a better job after I graduated, and I started college. I got a little better job, and I finished college. It was the height of the Viet Nam war, and I spent several years in the military. Even though I hated what my father did, my drinking habits were really formed during those years.
I never went back home. I visited a couple of times a years. I made peace with my father. In his older years, he was at least a jovial drunk. My mother was ever forgiving, and she drank very little. The affects of alcohol took him prematurely.
I guess what I'm saying is that you shouldn't give up on your father. You can hope he will change, but you have to make your own life. As much as it might hurt, let him live his life. Plan and achieve a wonderful life for yourself. There is an incredible amount of help out there for you. Don't give up on the Al-Anon. I would hope you could find an Al-Anon group that has teens -- you are far from alone. Don't be afraid to talk to a church pastor. If you and your family don't have a pastor, ask some of your friends if they have a trusted pastor. You'd be surprised at the guidance you can get.
One good way to start a wonderful new life is by continuing your education. It will get you away from home. If your family can't pay, there are millions of dollars of scholarships that go unclaimed every year. Scholarships can pay for most of your academics if you should decide to go to college. Once you get there, there are tremendous opportunties in the "resident assistance" programs. They allow you to earn your housing and food, and many of these programs have the added benefit of fantastic counseling training and experience. If you are unsure about how this works, please contact me.
I wish you luck. Don't give up hope.
Toivo
I'm sure there are thousands of us who could write the exact same story. I know I could, my brother could, most of my cousins could, and most of my boyhood friends could. My children, my nephews, and my cousin's kids could.
I like to think that my generation is a little better than my parent's generation. But, it unfortunately took most of us to get to your mom and dad's age to finally come to that realization. Many of us now have really great relationships with our grown children (and grandchildren). We did change.
I never hit bottom. My brother never hit bottom. My closest cousin never hit bottom. Several of my good friends never hit bottom. But at some point, most of us came to a realization that alcohol was robbing us of our life, and making life miserable for those around us.
My cousin and I sat at his wife's deathbed one evening and he realized what an a$$ he had been to his wife and kids. We were in our early-40s. His kids were about 10 and 12 at the time. Although I doubt she could hear or understand him, he swore to her that he would never take another drink again. That was almost 15 years ago. He had some rough times, but he made it. It made him a much better father, and a much better cousin.
One day, my brother reached for the bottle about ten in the morning. It angered him so. In his mind, he saw that he had turned out just like our father. He went for treatment. That was about 10 years ago. His life is much better, and it is for most of those around him. One son never forgave him, and may never. It is unfortunate. His son is now depriving himself and his children from seeing a grandfather who is a truly great mentor to many. I hope that before one or the other is gone, they can make up. Most of the hurt was caused by alcohol. But, the steps in the right direction were made.
I too went through it. I started to cut down about ten year ago, and have been sober 99% of the time for about the past three years (I still slip now and then -- that's why I'm here.) The strained relationships I had with my children have turned around. We are closer than we've ever been, and they have wonderful families. We immensely enjoy each other's company. Neither of my children, nor their spouses, ever touch alcohol.
When I was your age, I'd had it. I hated to see my dad killing himself. I had a menial evening job, and I moved out of the house my senior year of high school. I got a better job after I graduated, and I started college. I got a little better job, and I finished college. It was the height of the Viet Nam war, and I spent several years in the military. Even though I hated what my father did, my drinking habits were really formed during those years.
I never went back home. I visited a couple of times a years. I made peace with my father. In his older years, he was at least a jovial drunk. My mother was ever forgiving, and she drank very little. The affects of alcohol took him prematurely.
I guess what I'm saying is that you shouldn't give up on your father. You can hope he will change, but you have to make your own life. As much as it might hurt, let him live his life. Plan and achieve a wonderful life for yourself. There is an incredible amount of help out there for you. Don't give up on the Al-Anon. I would hope you could find an Al-Anon group that has teens -- you are far from alone. Don't be afraid to talk to a church pastor. If you and your family don't have a pastor, ask some of your friends if they have a trusted pastor. You'd be surprised at the guidance you can get.
One good way to start a wonderful new life is by continuing your education. It will get you away from home. If your family can't pay, there are millions of dollars of scholarships that go unclaimed every year. Scholarships can pay for most of your academics if you should decide to go to college. Once you get there, there are tremendous opportunties in the "resident assistance" programs. They allow you to earn your housing and food, and many of these programs have the added benefit of fantastic counseling training and experience. If you are unsure about how this works, please contact me.
I wish you luck. Don't give up hope.
Toivo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: north of Boston
Posts: 130
I agree with Toivo and Splendra, not everyone hits rock bottom and people's rock bottoms are different in intensity. Your dad may never quit. My dad has had 4 heart attacks and a big ol' stroke. But he has 1 and a half beers everyday (Mom has the other half) because he just can't not! I know this is not a damaging level, but I think it's ridiculous! Why not just stop? Why ask why? It IS his life and he has said he is going to live it how he damn well pleases. (It's funny because lately he is so totally supportive of my not drinking) OK, Dad. HOWEVER, I do believe you are perfectly within your rights to talk to him about it. It doesn't have to be a big mushy conversation either (I don't know about your dad, but mine isn't into mushy). It can be as simple as, "I've noticed you drink bourban every single day, that can't be good for you." It might start a conversation, or it may just be enough for you to get your foot in the door to talk at a later date. Don't wait for your mom because she ain't gonna talk to him about it. And you won't know how he responds until you try. Maybe he isn't aware his drinking affects you. Think about taking the first step, it may be your best one.
Lots of love, Kit
No guts no glory, the words are so true
I can let my old story be the one I dance to
Or I can find the power to rewrite the lines
And let my darkest hour be the one where I shine. James Nihan
Lots of love, Kit
No guts no glory, the words are so true
I can let my old story be the one I dance to
Or I can find the power to rewrite the lines
And let my darkest hour be the one where I shine. James Nihan
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Minneapolis, MI
Posts: 38
I don't thing it is necessary for anyone to hit bottom. My ex-boyfriend chose the "crash and burn" approach. It was not pretty. He lost his business, his family, and me. Now that he has been sober for the past eight months, he is trying to put his life back together.
Believe me, you don't need to hit bottom, because that is when everything is lost. And it is very difficult to start from scratch again.
Believe me, you don't need to hit bottom, because that is when everything is lost. And it is very difficult to start from scratch again.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi David,
I wish I had a magic answer to your question. The best answer I have been able to find is it takes what it takes for each person to decide to change.
I am an Al-Anon member. That is the program for friends and families of alcoholics. I have found that recovery for the family must begin with the individual. Whether your dad decides to seek recovery for himself, there is love and support for the pain and frustration that you are going through. I'd like to invite you to join us in the Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum and you may want to check out the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum too.
There are many here who are going through similar situations and learning to heal and grow through these struggles. Be sure to check out the powerposts at the top of the forums. There is a lot of great information there too. Hugs, Magic
I wish I had a magic answer to your question. The best answer I have been able to find is it takes what it takes for each person to decide to change.
I am an Al-Anon member. That is the program for friends and families of alcoholics. I have found that recovery for the family must begin with the individual. Whether your dad decides to seek recovery for himself, there is love and support for the pain and frustration that you are going through. I'd like to invite you to join us in the Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum and you may want to check out the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum too.
There are many here who are going through similar situations and learning to heal and grow through these struggles. Be sure to check out the powerposts at the top of the forums. There is a lot of great information there too. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
High Bottom..
...Hi David, Ken here -- I'm an alcoholic, a "high bottom" alcoholic. I didn't lose my house, family, blah blah blah... but here is an email I wrote during my last drunk...:
Bill:
I think by now I'm ready to stop. Weeks, months, etc.
of drinking is leading me nowhere. I feel lost and
need to find a way somehow. I feel somewhat of a
loser by going back to the AA group, but feel
really connected there. Tonight I could keep on
drinking, but what would it get me? It's almost 9:00
and I'm pretty done with my drinking. My problem is
that I wake up "not so bad," and do it all over again.
Truth is, I get drunk every time I drink ( pretty
much every night.). I figure if I email you, I don't
have an excuse not to work on this ****. Can you meet
me Friday night? I need a sponsor and a program. I
am ready to surrender. My work email is
*********, phone is ***-***-****. Right
now I have consumed a 12 pack plus many ounces of
tequila... guess you don't need to know that, just
that I need help. I have let my family down, don't
want to screw my job up, that's been suffering too.
This whole thing has gotten out of control and making
my life hell....
Ken
That's about as "bottomed" as I'd care to get. And it wasn't the first time I've felt like that, it happened over and over...
I am currently worried about my Mom as well. Even though she lives 2,500 miles away, I know alcohol has her in its grip -- and I can't do a thing about it. Once I get some sobriety under my belt, I will most likely fly up there and talk to her, see if I can get her to AA with me... Unfortunately, it's ultimately her decision, as it is your Dad's decision. I can't drag her kicking and screaming, I can only pray that God (or whatever Higher Power one chooses to acknowledge) will get her there.
There are some great posts in this thread, I just wanted to let you know that one does not have to hit a "rock" bottom to get well. I look at it this way -- my elevator was on its way down when I was a practicing alcoholic -- I chose to get off before it hit the basement.
Keep us posted, and God bless...
Ken
Bill:
I think by now I'm ready to stop. Weeks, months, etc.
of drinking is leading me nowhere. I feel lost and
need to find a way somehow. I feel somewhat of a
loser by going back to the AA group, but feel
really connected there. Tonight I could keep on
drinking, but what would it get me? It's almost 9:00
and I'm pretty done with my drinking. My problem is
that I wake up "not so bad," and do it all over again.
Truth is, I get drunk every time I drink ( pretty
much every night.). I figure if I email you, I don't
have an excuse not to work on this ****. Can you meet
me Friday night? I need a sponsor and a program. I
am ready to surrender. My work email is
*********, phone is ***-***-****. Right
now I have consumed a 12 pack plus many ounces of
tequila... guess you don't need to know that, just
that I need help. I have let my family down, don't
want to screw my job up, that's been suffering too.
This whole thing has gotten out of control and making
my life hell....
Ken
That's about as "bottomed" as I'd care to get. And it wasn't the first time I've felt like that, it happened over and over...
I am currently worried about my Mom as well. Even though she lives 2,500 miles away, I know alcohol has her in its grip -- and I can't do a thing about it. Once I get some sobriety under my belt, I will most likely fly up there and talk to her, see if I can get her to AA with me... Unfortunately, it's ultimately her decision, as it is your Dad's decision. I can't drag her kicking and screaming, I can only pray that God (or whatever Higher Power one chooses to acknowledge) will get her there.
There are some great posts in this thread, I just wanted to let you know that one does not have to hit a "rock" bottom to get well. I look at it this way -- my elevator was on its way down when I was a practicing alcoholic -- I chose to get off before it hit the basement.
Keep us posted, and God bless...
Ken
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