Have you lied about sobriety?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
Have you lied about sobriety?
I have ended a 3 year relationship with my ex alcoholic. It came to my attention in the last couple of months that he has been lieing to people (his daughter, his new newly recovering alcoholic long distance girlfriend, coworkers, probably his AA group) that he has been sober 2-3 years depending who he talks to. He has not been sober more than 3 weeks since I have known him! He had a medallion that he showed his daughter. I dont know if he got it at a meeting or if he "borrowed" it from the box because he has the oportunity due to the fact that he holds the key because he chairs his meeting every week. He has been attending meetings regularly for quite a while. I guess I understand that this is just an examle of how sick he truely is and that he is in denial and truely hurting himself. I know that I need to focus on me and my codependent issues...i just wanted to hear some of your experiences..thank you
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I doubt there is any alcoholic/addict that never lied about being under the influence or drinking/using secretly. My version was not that I lied about it directly as I was rarely confronted or questioned about my drinking (maybe 2-3x in total, it's true I denied it then though), but I hid it for many years from almost everyone. Ironically, I was probably most transparent in a relationship with another alcoholic -- there was no necessity or reason to hide or lie about it since we drank both together and separately and were well aware of each-others' habits, although definitely did not share the full extent of what happened when we were not together. We both hid it and lied about it to other people.
Now if you are asking about lying in what someone claims as recovery, I personally did not. I think by the time I decided to quit for good, I was both desperate and determined enough to get better and so far have not relapsed, so nothing to lie about. No idea what would be the case if I had relapses, of course I like to think I would be 100% honest about it with the people who are involved in my recovery. I still don't think I would tell anyone else though, like colleagues, family members, friends that are not too close friends, just like in the old times. But no intention to test it.
I know recovering alcoholics who have had relapses and lied about being sober. Once I developed a quite close friendship with one and he lied to me about being sober twice, each time for a couple weeks at least. It was a very disturbing experience. I think that this type of lying is driven by shame and/or by wanting to maintain an image that looks brighter than the reality. Both are deeply ingrained in human nature, so I don't find anything surprising in these lies, but they are certainly counterproductive as far as recovery goes especially if people get away with them repeatedly.
Now if you are asking about lying in what someone claims as recovery, I personally did not. I think by the time I decided to quit for good, I was both desperate and determined enough to get better and so far have not relapsed, so nothing to lie about. No idea what would be the case if I had relapses, of course I like to think I would be 100% honest about it with the people who are involved in my recovery. I still don't think I would tell anyone else though, like colleagues, family members, friends that are not too close friends, just like in the old times. But no intention to test it.
I know recovering alcoholics who have had relapses and lied about being sober. Once I developed a quite close friendship with one and he lied to me about being sober twice, each time for a couple weeks at least. It was a very disturbing experience. I think that this type of lying is driven by shame and/or by wanting to maintain an image that looks brighter than the reality. Both are deeply ingrained in human nature, so I don't find anything surprising in these lies, but they are certainly counterproductive as far as recovery goes especially if people get away with them repeatedly.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Thank you for your reply...He is lyeing about being in recovery...he is not... but represents himself as being so. I dont understand how someone could want to be seen/accepted as being in recovery that badly but still not have the ability to do the work to actually get there!
Sober since 10th April 2012
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I didn't lie myself as I had no-one to answer to, but I've been astounded at how my A sister, could flatly deny the obvious, like one time she got very obviously drunk in front of me, and then denied it ever happened. I still can't get my head around it.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Originally Posted by involved 
Thank you for your reply...He is lyeing about being in recovery...he is not... but represents himself as being so. I dont understand how someone could want to be seen/accepted as being in recovery that badly but still not have the ability to do the work to actually get there!
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 82
After discovering a multitude of rationalizations I used in many circumstances, it doesn't surprise me that someone could 'say one thing and be doing another' with regard to wanting AA/sobriety but fearing it at the same time. (Quite a few non-drinkers still smoke pot and drink near-beer.)
Since the only requirement is a desire not to drink, it may be that continued association with non-drinking Program workers will spur a desire to 'feel the fear and do it anyway' at some point.
I know that I had trouble in the beginning trusting that people didn't come to meetings and then go home and 'tie one on'. It was initially inconceivable to me that anyone didn't drink *at all*. Of course, I came to AA looking for a way to 'control my drinking' and thought they had learned how to do that - I wanted what they had. <s>
It may happen that in some meeting Mr. Doe will 'hear his story' told by someone who did the same behavior - until they finally 'gave all' on that issue, and how their life changed after that. And some may need to hear their story more than once before the shell cracks.
In early sobriety, I used and misused sleeping pills - until I heard my story. I then found the courage to 'face the misery' and trust that AA had the answer for that also, if I'd give another part of myself to this simple Program. It worked, and I found the willingness to turn more and more over to ya'll (Group of Drunks as my then HP). Trusting the Process continues, one character defect at a time (and as many times as each one needs to be re-addressed).
For me, I feel compassion for Mr. Doe and the misery he is in - whether he yet realizes it or not. My prayer is that he finds the courage to drop the rock he's carrying. The bag on my back was/is so full of other interesting rocks that I would have hated to never dropped the first one, which gave me access to the others. (lol)
AA is amazing, still. For me, it fits an old saying, "It's a great party; don't miss it even if you can."
Best to All,
PJ
dos 8/98
BB p.73:
More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.
The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his sense, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As far as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension-that makes for more drinking.
Since the only requirement is a desire not to drink, it may be that continued association with non-drinking Program workers will spur a desire to 'feel the fear and do it anyway' at some point.
I know that I had trouble in the beginning trusting that people didn't come to meetings and then go home and 'tie one on'. It was initially inconceivable to me that anyone didn't drink *at all*. Of course, I came to AA looking for a way to 'control my drinking' and thought they had learned how to do that - I wanted what they had. <s>
It may happen that in some meeting Mr. Doe will 'hear his story' told by someone who did the same behavior - until they finally 'gave all' on that issue, and how their life changed after that. And some may need to hear their story more than once before the shell cracks.
In early sobriety, I used and misused sleeping pills - until I heard my story. I then found the courage to 'face the misery' and trust that AA had the answer for that also, if I'd give another part of myself to this simple Program. It worked, and I found the willingness to turn more and more over to ya'll (Group of Drunks as my then HP). Trusting the Process continues, one character defect at a time (and as many times as each one needs to be re-addressed).
For me, I feel compassion for Mr. Doe and the misery he is in - whether he yet realizes it or not. My prayer is that he finds the courage to drop the rock he's carrying. The bag on my back was/is so full of other interesting rocks that I would have hated to never dropped the first one, which gave me access to the others. (lol)
AA is amazing, still. For me, it fits an old saying, "It's a great party; don't miss it even if you can."
Best to All,
PJ
dos 8/98
BB p.73:
More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.
The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his sense, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As far as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension-that makes for more drinking.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
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For me, I feel compassion for Mr. Doe and the misery he is in - whether he yet realizes it or not. My prayer is that he finds the courage to drop the rock he's carrying. The bag on my back was/is so full of other interesting rocks that I would have hated to never dropped the first one, which gave me access to the others.
Thank you for your reply. It is very helpful to hear this. And congratulations. I love and care for this man very much and I also feel compassion and pray he can find his way.
Thank you for your reply. It is very helpful to hear this. And congratulations. I love and care for this man very much and I also feel compassion and pray he can find his way.
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Zetap38 thank you also for BB p73...that is exactly what I need to remember. Active A's treat the ones they are closest to the worst because of the line " he trembles to think someone may have observed him". And not only did I observe him...I held it under his nose and made sure every one else knew it too! Not a good situation for either one of us and I am not the score keeper.
I have read your reply many times and get something more from it every time. Thank you for sharing with me.
I have read your reply many times and get something more from it every time. Thank you for sharing with me.
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You know after a while you begin to believe your own lies. There isn't really much you can or should do as long as it isn't hurting anyone else. He ultimately has to come to terms with himself before it is going to matter anywhere else. Let a sleeping dog lie as they say. If you think confronting him will help then go for it but this type of intervention rarely ends well.
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Originally Posted by involved
I know that I need to focus on me and my codependent issues...
I hope you find healing from the trauma and drama of loving an alcoholic.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Ive only experienced this with my brother when he first got sober/clean after a while he started becoming more distant ignoring phonecalls when i did talk to him i could tell something was up but i didnt say anything
Then he tells me he picked up his 90 day chip from AA & GA & CA
I congratulated him but at this time i had concerns
He phones me a couple weeks later saying hes sittting in a park he's crying & talking incoherently
My first concern is hes my kid brother and i need him safe i keep talking on the phone to him and telling him he can stay at mine which he did
He tells me not only had he'd been gambling & drinking but he thought itd be a smart idea to smoke crack again after not touching it in years (he was previously addicted he got clean)
The reason im saying this is that it became less about why he lied he was in front of me broken i gave him a hot dinner he had a bath and we talked about loads of stuff he stayed with me a couple times over the last year
Today he is sober & clean hes part of AA CA & GA he is very involved & takes his recovery very seriously he recently picked up his 6 month chips
That night i could have said why did you lie why go to a mtn and lie i could of but i didnt
Then he tells me he picked up his 90 day chip from AA & GA & CA
I congratulated him but at this time i had concerns
He phones me a couple weeks later saying hes sittting in a park he's crying & talking incoherently
My first concern is hes my kid brother and i need him safe i keep talking on the phone to him and telling him he can stay at mine which he did
He tells me not only had he'd been gambling & drinking but he thought itd be a smart idea to smoke crack again after not touching it in years (he was previously addicted he got clean)
The reason im saying this is that it became less about why he lied he was in front of me broken i gave him a hot dinner he had a bath and we talked about loads of stuff he stayed with me a couple times over the last year
Today he is sober & clean hes part of AA CA & GA he is very involved & takes his recovery very seriously he recently picked up his 6 month chips
That night i could have said why did you lie why go to a mtn and lie i could of but i didnt
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I became a pro at hiding my drinking. When my dad just thought I was having a beer, he didn't know I also had other alcohol hidden that I was drinking in the other room, usually getting very intoxicated, but I guess I was able to hide it well.
My dad knew I had been sober for about a month and I didn't tell him I had been drinking the past week, until today. I didn't want to ruin our trust and relationship over alcohol. Very hard to do, but he deserved the truth, good or bad.
Funny how easy it can be to start lying when alcohol is the number one thing in your life.
My dad knew I had been sober for about a month and I didn't tell him I had been drinking the past week, until today. I didn't want to ruin our trust and relationship over alcohol. Very hard to do, but he deserved the truth, good or bad.
Funny how easy it can be to start lying when alcohol is the number one thing in your life.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
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I lied all the time about being sober to friends and family but it was easy since I don't live anywhere near them. I only see them once or twice a year. However, I would be unable to hide if I were drinking from someone who saw me on a daily basis. I become a miserable SOB and tend to get bloated. I'm only hurting myself so I don't know why I bothered to keep up a charade for so many years.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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I lied all the time through my first round of outpatient treatment, oh I have 3 days, oh I'm up to 9 days now, etc., even when I had gotten drunk the night before. I never had more than a couple days sober the whole time. I finally got busted for smelling like alcohol (sweating it through pores) and then flunking a breathalyzer test, still measurably drunk from the night before. Before that I lied about drinking to my wife for years, hid bottles in the garage, the whole bit.
I think this sort of behavior is really common among addicts. To this day I couldn't explain why I did it, but maybe admitting to it would have meant having to do something about it, and I didn't really want to do anything about it, I wanted to keep drinking. "No one else understands, I'm not an alcoholic, I NEED this, it's my medicine".
I think this sort of behavior is really common among addicts.
To this day I couldn't explain why I did it, but maybe admitting to it would have meant having to do something about it, and I didn't really want to do anything about it, I wanted to keep drinking. "No one else understands, I'm not an alcoholic, I NEED this, it's my medicine". 
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Originally Posted by involved
Thank you for your reply...He is lyeing about being in recovery...he is not... but represents himself as being so. I don't understand how someone could want to be seen/accepted as being in recovery that badly but still not have the ability to do the work to actually get there!
Alcoholics are a breed of their own!
yes he is lying to himself, but we alcoholics do that a lot!
TrixMixer
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Thank you everyone for shareing ...hearing your side of this is helping me to find a way to accept something I can not fathom. Also to not take it personally. Maybe I will never understand, but the explaination is at least educational and in some weird way comforting.
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Something I heard quite some time ago in AA:
Yer eyes may sparkle and yer teeth may glitter
But ya can bullsh*t and old bullsh*tter.
AA is the largest old bullsh*tters club I know of. More than likely there's many IN AA that know of the lie being told.
It's nothing new. I've seen quite a few people get tokens/ coins while they reek of alcohol.
Please do Your best to work on you. The more he stays in your head the more he has control over you.
Yer eyes may sparkle and yer teeth may glitter
But ya can bullsh*t and old bullsh*tter.
AA is the largest old bullsh*tters club I know of. More than likely there's many IN AA that know of the lie being told.
It's nothing new. I've seen quite a few people get tokens/ coins while they reek of alcohol.
Please do Your best to work on you. The more he stays in your head the more he has control over you.
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