JohnTrey

Hi all,

I decided I was going to stop drinking a couple of months ago now (created a thread on here re this) but I was going to Vegas so delayed my stopping date a couple of months. I haven't drank since Saturday now. (Can't post the link to my other thread because of my low post count but it's entitled "unable to stop" dated 4th May 15; if anyone is interested)

First off, I am not certain I am an alcoholic. I do not crave alcohol as such, and I am by no means dependent on it. My issue is that once I start to drink, I have way too much and I cannot limit my intake, as much as I would like to. I need to stop drinking because this tendency to drink too much has got me in all sorts of trouble that I am sure everyone on this site could relate to. Not too keen on sharing all of it for privacy reasons but this includes DUIs, me treating people that I love in a way that I should not and putting my job in jeopardy as well as many other reasons. These actions leave me feeling incredibly guilty and shameful once I have sobered up and this leaves me to contemplate suicide. The thought of hurting my family and gf then talk me out of ever taking the thought of suicide too seriously. I worry that if I was to lose my gf, what affect this would have on my thought process.

I have two main problems with abstinence, though. The first is that I do not know what my goal is. I first thought about quitting for a predetermined period of time (6 months perhaps) but then I realised that this would just become a countdown until the day I could get pissed again and this gives me a short hiatus but solves nothing. Conversely, part of me knows that I will not quit forever, so setting that goal for myself would appear unrealistic and could cause me to give up too soon. I have thought about only drinking at special occasions, like holidays for example. But I am not sure. Drinking is such a big part of my culture that I would be effectively cutting myself off socially by choosing to be abstinent - which worries me.

Secondly, I have no support. This is partly my own doing because I do not like to share with others how bad my problem is. My friends may know certain aspects of my drinking, my partner may know some others, family some other issues and some I keep entirely to myself. None of those around me would consider me an alcoholic and therefore give me any support to stop for good. The only person that knows I have made the decision to stop is my gf, and she doesn't take me seriously whatsoever. If I told her the real reasons why I need to stop (stupid actions, suicidal thoughts etc) I would upset her greatly so I just don't tell her.

I can see myself lasting a couple of months and then finally saying to myself "oh fcuk it, I'm not that bad - I'll just have a drink" and then I am right back to square 1. In a sober state, I KNOW that alcohol will ruin my life but I cannot stop drinking.

I suppose my question is, has anyone else been in the same position as me and got any advice to offer? Feel like a rabbit caught in he headlights at the moment.

Cheers

John

MelindaFlowers

Hey John,

Welcome. It sounds like you have reached the point where alcohol is no longer working for you. I can totally relate to that. It stopped working for me about a year ago and that's when I got sober and I can tell you that life is much easier without always obsessing about alcohol and drinking alcohol.

You mentioned that you were not dependent on alcohol. I guess in some ways I wasn't either. I never took a drink before 5 PM and somehow made it through work. However, I was psychologically dependent on it. I did the old wake up in the morning and swear that I would never drink again and then be at the liquor store by 5 PM. Every day. If that's not dependency then I don't know what is. It actually did start to get to me physically the last few years. My hands began to tremble a little bit during the day and I felt terrible all the time. Had high blood pressure and heart palpitations too.

Another thing you mentioned is whether you can or can't stop forever. Especially early on in sobriety, forever was way too overwhelming for me to think about. I'm sure you've heard the term one day at a time. It's a really powerful way to not get overwhelmed with thoughts of forever. I went on my first road trip recently and even with that year of sobriety it still came in handy. I didn't get overwhelmed with the whole trip I just broke it into chunks day by day.

One thing I wanted to add is that after you've been sober quite a while like six months or more you start to really to enjoy leading an alcohol free life. I always call it just a "normal life" because when I was drinking every night heavily it was anything but a normal life.

It's also really nice to never have hangovers. My god this has to be my favorite thing about not drinking anymore. No hangovers.

Your social life will be fine. My friends certainly didn't like me when I would get blackout drunk and cry and yell and break things. That certainly wasn't helping my social life. Now I'm pretty darn even in my moods and temper just like everybody else. My social life is better now that I don't drink alcohol. I also actually show up to things now rather than avoiding them so I could drink or because I was too hung over.

Great job on your sober time and keep us updated!

Fly N Buy

Hi John - thanks for the post.

Day 4 is a good start!!!!

I really can only qualify myself and not others. But, certain things you've mentioned - Dui's, I need to stop because, guilt and shame from drinking, suicidal ideations, I know alcohol will ruin my life..........

John, these are pretty strong qualifiers, imo.

For me acceptance of my condition was a prerequisite to do something about my circumstances. If I believe I am qualified (based on my behaviors, outcomes and emotional state) then why can't I admit / accept I am an alcoholic?????

We each have to come to that stage before we achieve the willingness to change I think. At least that was true for me and many friends here and in the rooms.

Initially just gaining some time, allowing my brain to clear and perhaps give myself the opportunity to truly evaluate where I am is helpful when starting out. I don't have to figure out the next 10 things this very minute or I will go bananas.

I need to not drink, communicate with others who are in the same boat and breathe...........

You my friend are doing at least 2 out of 3! Take a breath, don't drink today. Day 5 gets better!!

Keep coming back

Hawkeye13

I could go months between drinks, never got a DUI or suicidal, but I still had a problem with alcohol, no matter what you label it.

Sounds like you are still a little in denial about the severity of your issue.
Drinking every day or craving alcohol frequently aren't always "markers" of alcoholism.

Moderation doesn't work for serious drinkers. Look up threads on this site if you doubt this.

Great job on the four days--keep going and you'll see amazing changes

doggonecarl

That's the only rational thing you said in your entire post. Everything else is AV (addictive voice).

IOAA2

Hi.
I felt a lot like you because I didn’t know what I didn’t know. If there was a list of qualifications to join AA I passed with flying colors.
As a beginner I needed to get honest with myself about my drinking and stop the BS. Doing that I needed to accept the fact I could not have a drink one day at a time in a row in safety. That was my starting point along with wanting to stop drinking.

If any one of those were missing I needed to go back to the first, many don’t and their lives are called miserable and unmanageable. It’s a choice we have, years ago I chose the one I’m still on today with no regrets.

BE WELL

cejay

Your post sounds an awful lot like the experiences I hear about in the AA meetings that I attend.

I've never had legal problems with drinking, don't drink mornings, have a good job, look normal, on and on.

I needed some support. Like you I have nobody, so after trying all kinds of things (and failing) for years, I tried AA. That was 10 days ago and I feel great with no regrets.

I have a ton of people I can call anytime and get help, they understand me. I've made a pile of new friends and we don't sit around talking about alcohol, we talk about life and common interests.

I wrote about the experience of my first meeting here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...a-meeting.html

I hope you find whatever you're looking for. Best of luck.

CJ

leviathan

john, we understand. the nature of the problem is to be dealing with more and more damage, while we debate pausing, quitting, cutting back, etc. -totally normal.

deciding "enough is enough" is the start of a process that involves a bit of change. it has it's uncomfortable moments, as all change does.

the part you haven't mentioned (many overlook this) is the part about being HAPPIER on the other side. the option of quitting is NOT a social death sentence, or a limitation in any way. what you're flirting with now is though.

its possible, you may lose some relationships that are primarily based on drinking. the other, more substantial relationships will be strengthened by your integrity, and new ability to be present.

as a side note, i would bet money that if you told your girlfriend that you were in serious pain and you are going to do something about it and may need a little support...well intimacy would be boosted! unless this relationship is anchored in alcohol abuse.

best of luck man! come, take the adventure. be pleasantly surprised!

Anna

Hi and Welcome back!

As others have said, there is a lot of denial in your post. These things, in my opinion, are a big deal - "this includes DUIs, me treating people that I love in a way that I should not and putting my job in jeopardy".

I hope that you decide to stop drinking for good and to live a sober life.

DayTrader

Hey John... I see a lot of contradictions in your post. Not judging at all. At this time in the process it's normal to be conflicted. Looking back with the clarity of hindsight, I sure as hell was.

I do not crave alcohol as such, and I am by no means dependent on it.
once I start to drink, I have way too much - Is it possible you are dependent on alcohol and that's why you can't control the amount? Is it possible that you're an alcoholic and that's why you can't control the amount?

It doesn't matter to me if you're an alcoholic or not - that's entirely your call. As one myself, I can tell you that the inability to control the amount of booze I was going to drink once I started drinking is a major red flag. Most people start drinking, hit a point and then the desire for more stops.....kinda like when you eat a huge meal, you get full. When I started drinking it was like something changed and I'd always want "just another one or two." Occasionally I'd just have those one or two but most of the time it was one or two, then one or two more, then another one or two......etc.

I too could see stopping for a while then going back to it only to try stopping again. Like you, that sounded like a pretty crappy lifestyle to me. Also like you, the idea of stopping forever seemed absurd. It seemed absurd because, in a way, I needed to drink - not all the time.......but sometimes, sometimes sooner or later for sure, I'd need to drink (or maybe just want to really really bad). I couldn't think of a suitable replacement for drinking and without it, well, I just figured life would be pretty boring and lame or, worse yet, downright uncomfortable at times.

At first, I guess I just went with, "I'll quit for now." I had some big-time help though because I started going to AA. I'm NOT of the opinion that we all need lots of support from friends, family, co-workers and so on to quit. Hell, I'd used the people in my life for my own personal gain for long enough.... thankfully getting sober and staying sober isn't something you need a ton of "outside" support for. Similarly though, it's not something anyone else can do for you. You, me, we.......we have to do it ourselves.

Now I mentioned AA but let me be crystal clear - going to meetings and not drinking probably won't work, not for long anyway. Got it? Going to meetings is NOT "doing AA." AA is not a "not drinking club" where we meet to talk about not drinking. That's how silly tv shows depict it. AA is a program of recovery from alcoholism. There are specific things to do....and it's way more than just showing up to a meeting and listening. Do those things or don't, again it's your call. Do them and I've never seen anyone not recover. That said, most ppl can't or won't do them. For those who do though, the results are awesome. For me, it was pounds and pounds of emotional and mental weight that disappeared - the very things that typically drove me to drink.

JeffreyAK

There are lots of ways to get more support, AA is one of them but only one that doesn't work for everyone - check some of them out, you might see yourself in some of the folks you meet and talk to.

You asked for advice, and I think the big thing to keep in mind is one day (or week, or whatever seems appropriate) at at time. Truly, if you are sober 6 months, or even 3 months, you will be thinking differently, and you'll look back and see some of the denial in what you wrote. It gets way easier over time, but you can spook yourself if you think too far ahead and get tripped up on "forever". This is the key thing that I never understood before I quit for good, and that no one told me (or at least I didn't hear) - you'll think differently and rationally with some solid sober time.

Path2Recovery

Like a few other people have said , the inability to stop once you start is a major red flag. And then you also say you have a DUI. Those two things are definitely a marker for being an alcoholic. I used to hate that label because it felt like people were telling me I was born messed up. I'm not a religious person but when people would call me an alcoholic I would be so offended , it's like you're telling me God made me wrong or something... That's what I felt. I hated the label. But over the last year or so I've come to accept the fact that I am an alcoholic. I'm currently on Day 1 (after many,many tries) and it's hard as hell. I've tried sobriety a few times and I last a couple months and then go right back. I can't give you any real tips because I haven't accomplished much myself in terms of sobriety , but what I can tell you is the feeling of needing more never goes away. For me at least. And I'm sure there are others like us. I would say the first step is to not drink but you said you can go 6 months without a drink... I honestly don't know what else to say , but I wish you luck! Share it with me if you do find an answer!