sleepie

when the ocd thoughts start? How do you make them stop?
I always have them about my body, like a lot of women I have been publicly humiliated over my physique even when I am not overweight, like guys yelling at me in the street that I have a big a** even when I am at a perfectly normal weight range. I just have an ugly body and covered up in baggy clothes most of my life especially when I was young, no dresses or anything and nothing tight, ever. Maybe fitted tees since I am smaller with a waist but big ugly legs. I can't help it. Anyway don't give me a bunch of "Just don't care what other people say"
Because I go for hours just sitting in one spot sad about what I can't wear and how I've been treated and trying to figure out why I have so many things wrong with me and what I weighed in high school and the pants I tried on ten years ago and what size I was in this year or that and it drives me nuts.
And that always happens, it's obsessive over something and never a good thing and it's how my brain works and it makes me nuts I just cannot be comfortable in my own skin because someone always says something to destroy me, I dared to wear shorts 3 years ago for the first time in about 16 years and someone asked if I'd had kids because my legs were so veiny. wtf no I don't have kids I am just a disgusting monster, I've had them since I was young but it's 103 with the heat index and I would rather not die of heatstroke wtf is wrong with people?

Anyway for anyone with real ocd issues diagnosed like me can you please tell me what you do.
Because yes it makes me want to drink. I don;t need to hear drinking won't help etc. I need to hear what WILL help- please keep in mind I have been this way forever and loooong before I ever drank so just abstaining will not help or make it better. If only it were that simple.

If I had the money I would just get surgery but that will never happen.

Also I am feeling very sad and fragile so if you don't mind, no snark or curt comments thank yuo.
It is not fun having dysfunctional grey matter.

ScottFromWI

Have you seen a therapist about your OCD? I am diagnosed with it, my main tool for dealing with it is mindfulness ( living in the now ) and meditation.

sleepie

I can't afford one it's all I can do to keep up with the benzo taper dr.

ScottFromWI

Mindfulness and meditation are totally free and don't take a lot of time either. There are plenty of books on the subject you could most likely check out from a library.

Coldfusion

Don't forget that anxiety is commonly associated with a benzo taper. Things will get better eventually.

sleepie

I had all this before i ever took benzos.

Calicofish

Hello Sleepie - I have almost the same issues with my body as you do. I've always been pear shaped - with a big butt and big stubby legs. When I was younger, I had a lovely slender waist, that was envied by my cruel schoolmates. That was about the only thing I had in terms of a nice body feature. I look like two different people sewn at the waist. I was teased about most things in regards to my body - I had a really small nose and was told that it was that way because I chased parked cars. You bet that hurt and stung.

I rarely show my legs because they are so fat, veiny and cellulite all the way to my ankles. They don't have much of a shape - I wager the uglies legs ever seen. I envy women who can wear shorts or dresses that are just above the knee. If I put on a skirt or dress, it has to go over my knees. Shorts are only worn in private and if it's hot I will put on capri's or a long skirt. I've obsessed over my body forever - compared myself to everyone else and find myself lacking.

I too wish I could have surgery done. I fantasize about what it would be like to wake up one morning with nice legs - cause it seems the world has nice legs and all fashion is geared towards having nice, thin legs.

So - what do I do with these thoughts? I try to remind myself that at least my legs work and can move me from place to place. I will never be able to wear skinny jeans - hopefully, big wide leg pants will come into fashion again.

Anyway, you are not alone. All we can do is appreciate our bodies for what they can do for us.

ScottFromWI

That doesn't mean it isn't treatable. Have you ever explored mindfulness/meditation? Even just reading about the concept helped me a great deal with my anxiety and OCD

Hawkeye13

Scott is absolutely right--meditation / minfulness and can be life-changing if
you simply do it every day. I strongly suggest you really give it a serious try.

It is also free and there are many books I suspect at your local library and
huge amounts of material online such as this:

How to Meditate - Guided Meditation Techniques - Buddhist Meditations


I thought you were trying this?

zjw

geeze people can be so rude.

Just an observation you seem like a touchy person? I know sometimes I really try and watch what I say in responses back to you because I get worried you'll take it not exactly how I meant to say it and I'll offend you etc.. For those around you it can be tough trying to be careful to not stomp on your feelings inadvertantly.

nothing wrong with the above either its just how you are.

I have not been diagnosed with OCD but if I had to guess I got some form of it. I spent 2 hours last night obsessing over anything other then sleeping so now i'm exhausted again today. I dont have the middle of the night stuff beet yet.

But during the day I can normally distract myself or force myself into a different direction to try and get out of a rut.

Mindfullness being present all of this helps. Nothing is a magic bullet it seems I had to become accepting of that. at some point once you've done all that you can you have to accept yourself and things for how they are. Or just go get drunk or get drugs and get wasted which is exactly what I've realized doesnt work in the end. Learning to embrace lifes ups and downs and to find the good in things.

Like you mentioned those people laughing at you on the train. The good in that is the fact that your the type of person that would not do such things etc.. I think I'd think well least i'm not like those a**holes and have a bit more respect etc..

If I cant find the good in some bad situation or something then I'll try and just move on and be greatful for something else etc..

But yeah I obsess about just about everything its horrible at times. It can also be really beneficial. My obsessive compulsive nature has cuased me to obsess about fitness so much that now I'm super fit. So thats good but there have been times while out on a run I'll cry and ask myself why does it have to be this way. I can litterally feel the discomfort inside me that I'm trying to relieve by running it off. I eventually hit a point where the discomfort is behind me then I can run for enjoyment or just go home.

For me the OCD can be a blessing and a curse all at the same time *sigh*.

sleepie

Calicofish It sucks. It's the worst when you can't even just do your life without people opening their big, ignorant mouths.
zjw yes I am very sensitive. It's from the years of abuse growing up, absolutely shattered self esteem before I even had a chance at it and also from being treated like an outcast for much of my adult life also. You are sensitive in your responses and I appreciate that, it seems like you understand some of these things and I think you do from some similar experience.
I can read about meditation and I have been trying it and I suck at it the whole time I just sit there and wish to god it was done or I just start worrying again. I have been trying to youtube some stuff.

zjw

Yeah makes me wonder if thats why I have some simlier issues. My self esteem was in the toilet all my life. If i had any it was promptly beat out of me as a child!.

What has helped me with my self esteem and self worth is to find things i'm good at and just keep doing them. even if there stupid things. It just makes me feel better about myself after i do them gives me a sense of achievement and accomplishment even tho most other people along the way have not been very impressed its been small victories like that that have helped me tho so I keep doing them.

Meditation for me is sometimes quit time alone etc.. But I dont get that very often. More often meditation for me is a nice walk or a nice run. Today I was outside running I was alone with my thoughts and nature and I saw 3 deer! I got rained on and got to hear the mountain streams running etc.. This is meditation for me.

I read somewhere that its important that we renew ourselves in nature regularly. Maybe thats why i feel better after going outside like that etc..

A lot of what i do did not come easy. I had to force myself to do things drag myself to do them kicking and screaming many times till the habits where formed and I started to appreciate doing them. I was rather stuck inside my own head I didnt realy wanna change anything I just wanted everything to work out. But it wouldnt so I had to start trying this sorta stuff.

I hope it eases up for you soon. I think going through a benzo taper is not going to make life any easier for you. I can only imagine that plus kicking booze has got to be intense at times at the very least.

Wholesome

Hey sleepie when I was a teenager there was this guy who I turned down and after he went around and told everyone that I was a *lut and a dog..... he used to bark at me. He would give my number to guys and tell them that I was up for it so I would get these phone calls from these strangers propositioning me. It tore me up and ruined my self image. I had to leave schools and even then this lie he started about me followed me. It was awful, so I totally get where you are coming from. Some people can be incredibly cruel. But the thing is is that it's not like that anymore..... you don't have to keep believing that about yourself. You don't have to let what someone else said about you yesterday define what you say about yourself today. I think the best way to start regaining your self esteem is to focus on the things that you DO like about yourself. Positive affirmations.

Hawkeye13

meditation is hard in the beginning sleepie but doing a little every day is cumulative over time and it gets better and easier.

Most things that are worthwhile take some time to get good at--not just this.

But it is perhaps the most helpful and life-changing thing you could do for yourself, and would really help you come to terms with some of these difficult issues.

Wholesome

This song reminds me of what we are discussing and sleepie maybe it will make you smile and give you a bit of a pick me up

davaidavai

When I was a kid I was a major repeater and counter and spitter and head shaker and toucher of the ground, a climber over invisible walls: someone who takes great thought as to right or left turns. I was a passage re-reader. A phrase chanter. Etc.

Over the years I've stopped doing it, but was just reminded of it again with this intro psych class I'm taking. I can't let thoughts go. I ruminate. I have a hard time handling conflict because I want things to be perfect, life to be perfect. Counting or repeating was just trying to smooth over an extremely messy experience exacerbated by undue stress put on my life by my parents. I was also just really sensitive and open to suffering. Now as an adult I try to smooth things out other ways, but I forgot all about that stuff with my childhood. I can't handle conflict. And I forget what I am doing, how what I am doing is a specific thought process innate to me that is special and fearful and distrustful of the universe but also raw and open and profoundly connected.

Lately, I think what I need is access to a rich human experience and an understanding of what that experience is. Maybe that way I can have clarity. I can have a faith in the universe that doesn't rely on my counting or obsessive rumination to hold everything together. A transcendent experience of clarity and insight.

And I think that may be the gift for people who experience trauma. You're opened up to living the insights people gloss over.

To look at it another way, Slavoj Zizek says Freedom hurts. Anyhow, maybe not aligning and then discovering at last what the rich experience we are all capable of having is an invitation toward great freedom that will also hurt and even hurts now because you're searching for it.

To look at it another way, sometimes old axioms bear this trippy truth to them once you recognize how true they are. Ghandi said that to know god we must be prepared to be crushed by the dust; the last shall be first; know what you want and the universe conspires with you.

I used to think I knew what I wanted. A girlfriend. Travel. Being away. A job. To be tall so women would look at me in bars like they looked at my friends. But I think I want a rich human experience and I'm trying to figure out what that is.

Or to look at it another way, our pain serves us. It protects us, our egos from the rawness of another experience fraught with uncertainty that will ravage us with all the feelings. We crawl like snails into that raw light of unknowing. Crawl with me.

Anyhow. I don't know if this helps.

sleepie

Thank you all for your thoughtful posts. And the video Zenchaser
davidavai you really nailed it. I relate to so much of what you said. I think you are right. Definitely having been through cruelty is a path to more openness to compassion and richer enjoyment of things others take for granted and being forced to find your own path which I suppose if you survive it is worth it. You all have contributed some great things here and this is a thread I will refer to.

LiveInPeace

I also found that practicing mindfulness and meditation helped me a lot with depression, anxiety, and OCD.

ScottFromWI

That's very common and i've found that even very experienced meditators say that it's difficult. That's really kind of the point though..if it was easy it probably wouldn't be effective anyway. It's also fine for your mind to wander, there's really no way of stopping it completely.

One of the books I read about it was by Dan Harris called "10% Happier". It chronicles his journey through learning meditation as a result of his earlier addiction and panic attacks. It's a very down to earth book and shows clearly that meditation is hard but useful. He gets to meet and interview many "experts" in the area of mindfulness and meditation and even they all express that it is difficult for them too.

I have absolutely notice though that it helps me quite a bit with my anxiety expecially, but also with my OCD. I honestly only meditate for about 5-10 minutes at a time, and I don't do anything other than concentrate on my breathing and dim the lights. You can also do "walking" meditation where you just try to focus on your steps or the sounds that you hear when walking.

Anna

This is a sticky which Morning Glory posted a long time ago and it has helped me a lot:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anagement.html