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what do you do

Old 07-09-2015, 07:48 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
zjw
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I think the key with meditation is to allow the mind to be still.I read just recently if you want muddy water to be clear let it sit and it will clear.

One thing that might help is just sitting quietly listening to some zen music etc.. that can calm me right down.
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Old 07-09-2015, 11:51 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LiveInPeace View Post
I also found that practicing mindfulness and meditation helped me a lot with depression, anxiety, and OCD.
I should've prefaced that with the fact that without my working the 12-steps, even meditation and mindfulness wouldn't have worked.
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Old 07-09-2015, 08:15 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I think there's something to be said for suffering all the way through. Maybe what we think of as suffering is really the self-irritating attempt at pulling back from feeling something totally. Like an OCD tick, smoothing something over. For example, I'm 37, totally lost, have never had a real relationship, have no real career prospects. I am unloved. And maybe I will never be loved. Maybe I will never be loved. And I've spent an eternity toying with this thought, flirting with it, saying it isn't so. But maybe the way to go is to let it sink in and pass through me. And then maybe I can see that it's not me, but it's the fractured, frail universal mosaic I've been grappling with all this time, counting, repeating, trying to have perfectly clean encounters, exploding...

Just sitting with that thought of my ultimate aloneness and just general sexual failure is sort of theraputic. Just truly accepting it for a moment. It's way better than repeating society's democratic BS about how everyone is just as good as everyone else, blah blah blah, buy new shoes! Get a hair cut! Because all that stuff is really just a smokescreen, a collective recoil from the true nature of our childish, evolving civilization and its privileged classes who massage their lame egos by pretending they did it on their own. And as far as I know 'positive thinking' isn't CBT.

Remove that junk, feel your situation fully, and the world seems, if not more welcoming, then more interesting. And that's a rich experience you don't need booze to survive. Our morays, our attempts, our beliefs are hallucinatory strangeness: a defense against the chaos raining down from a million celestial afterbirths. A million exploded stars. A million civilizations trying to bring order out of terror. And look at us? Maybe we can actually be a part of that if we can face reality. Maybe at least we can not be bored, at last. Bored by the things we tell ourselves and others; bored by what it is we have been told over and over we should want but which deep down really doesn't us; bored by vacuous collective truisms about happiness that are really market imperatives; bored by the endless stretch of days doing something pointless; bored by the lies we have to tell ourselves to give our jobs meaning.

I think getting drunk is like trying to wake up. You have to make yourself suffer enough until you really actually accept yourself. Not just, yeah, OK, I'm a difficult person. But totally. Every moment of everyday, I am re enacting patterns set in childhood. I am sensitive. I value clarity and am trying to see clearly, and if I can do that, the loneliness, the anxiety about my looks, my experience of being alone a lot, means less because I can also really accept how screwed up and weird society is and I can hopefully spot real friends from talking heads and maybe someday find a direction based on this new adaptation.
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Old 07-10-2015, 09:20 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by davaidavai View Post
I think there's something to be said for suffering all the way through. Maybe what we think of as suffering is really the self-irritating attempt at pulling back from feeling something totally. Like an OCD tick, smoothing something over. For example, I'm 37, totally lost, have never had a real relationship, have no real career prospects. I am unloved. And maybe I will never be loved. Maybe I will never be loved. And I've spent an eternity toying with this thought, flirting with it, saying it isn't so. But maybe the way to go is to let it sink in and pass through me. And then maybe I can see that it's not me, but it's the fractured, frail universal mosaic I've been grappling with all this time, counting, repeating, trying to have perfectly clean encounters, exploding...

Just sitting with that thought of my ultimate aloneness and just general sexual failure is sort of theraputic. Just truly accepting it for a moment. It's way better than repeating society's democratic BS about how everyone is just as good as everyone else, blah blah blah, buy new shoes! Get a hair cut! Because all that stuff is really just a smokescreen, a collective recoil from the true nature of our childish, evolving civilization and its privileged classes who massage their lame egos by pretending they did it on their own. And as far as I know 'positive thinking' isn't CBT.

Remove that junk, feel your situation fully, and the world seems, if not more welcoming, then more interesting. And that's a rich experience you don't need booze to survive. Our morays, our attempts, our beliefs are hallucinatory strangeness: a defense against the chaos raining down from a million celestial afterbirths. A million exploded stars. A million civilizations trying to bring order out of terror. And look at us? Maybe we can actually be a part of that if we can face reality. Maybe at least we can not be bored, at last. Bored by the things we tell ourselves and others; bored by what it is we have been told over and over we should want but which deep down really doesn't us; bored by vacuous collective truisms about happiness that are really market imperatives; bored by the endless stretch of days doing something pointless; bored by the lies we have to tell ourselves to give our jobs meaning.

I think getting drunk is like trying to wake up. You have to make yourself suffer enough until you really actually accept yourself. Not just, yeah, OK, I'm a difficult person. But totally. Every moment of everyday, I am re enacting patterns set in childhood. I am sensitive. I value clarity and am trying to see clearly, and if I can do that, the loneliness, the anxiety about my looks, my experience of being alone a lot, means less because I can also really accept how screwed up and weird society is and I can hopefully spot real friends from talking heads and maybe someday find a direction based on this new adaptation.
This I love and needed!!!!
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Old 07-10-2015, 12:28 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by sleepie View Post
Thank you all for your thoughtful posts. And the video Zenchaser
davidavai you really nailed it. I relate to so much of what you said. I think you are right. Definitely having been through cruelty is a path to more openness to compassion and richer enjoyment of things others take for granted and being forced to find your own path which I suppose if you survive it is worth it. You all have contributed some great things here and this is a thread I will refer to.
You know Sleepi, I have read most of your posts and they are filled with self loathing. Alcoholism and grtting sober is hard enough when your ok with yourself, but when YOU believe everything your are about is faulty you need more than an alcohol forum.

Please seek out some mental health therapy. You may not think you can afford it but you need accountability to someone to keep you on track. Please look in to hospital sponsored public programs for some help.

You have been given some excellent advice , but I feel unless you have to account for your progress to someone personally, you will not take their advice further than a brief TRY.
Seriously, Sleepi, you need more than this forum can offer you. Even if it is your doctor or clergy ---you need the give and take of conversation, questioning, and testing some cognitive reconditioning.

Good Luck --help is out there Sleepi, you just need to WANT to find it.
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Old 07-10-2015, 01:19 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Self-loathing is the flower of awakening.
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