Allthewordsin

Today is day 2 of sobriety for me and I feel hopeful this time that I won't relapse. I had a wake up call Friday night. Let me start by saying that I've been drinking since I was 16. Never one to pass out after having too many, I would blackout many times and leave chaos in my wake. I've been to jail many times, wrecked a vehicle, had so much sex with random men, injured myself, etc. it's like a completely different person takes over and it scares me and humiliates me. Makes me feel like the lowest of the low. When I got pregnant 3 years ago I quit drinking, but started back up in February. It seemed as if I was handling it okay this time. It was as if I was reunited with my old friend. I experienced my first black out since my stint at being sober on Friday night. I was at my ex husbands family's house visiting. We all sat outside drinking until early in the morning. I've never been one to black out when drinking beer, but that's all I had that night. I remember nothing until I woke up (still drunk). I cringe at what I could've done as I'm sure I did horrible things. I've been told that I get pretty sexual when in a blackout so I worry that I came on to people there. I know I'm capable of it. The guilt from these incidences made me want to drink more to cope. I'm so ashamed of the things I've done, I just don't know how to move past this. I know quitting drinking is the first step, because now that the blackouts started, I know they'll continue, but how do I cope with the shame for all I've done?

freshstart57

I forgave myself on the one condition that I never drank again. I had stopped being 'that guy' and that stuff was history. That gave me space for a fresh start.

This also helped with my understanding of my quit - it was permanent. Forever and for good.

Maybe these ideas resonate with you too, AllTheWords. Somehow, you need to frame this in a way that takes to a place of secure sobriety so you can get on with the business of living a life to replace your past.

YOU CAN DO IT!

Jsober

You can't change the past, but you can make the future bright by making the right choices now. You said you do regretable things while drinking. So don't drink and you won't do those things. Instead do positive things, be kind to others. In time, the shame goes away. It can take time, so focus on the present. Which is not drinking for today.

Zaec

You are an amazing individual perfectly created and you deserve all things good and wonderful. You deserve to wake up happy and full of excitement. You deserve to be in control of your life and your actions.

This is what you should say to yourself and wake up each day allowing yourself to be happy. No one is perfect. We are all trying very hard every day not to fall. Right now my husband and his friend are drinking in the lounge. He is not an alcoholic so it's fine for him. I'm in the room with the kids. I absolutely want to go join them but i think about how proud i will feel in the morning when i know i didn't drink again. I believe in you!

Wholesome

Black outs are terrifying. My last one was at Christmas Eve dinner at my in laws. I have no idea what I was saying or doing or how I got home. I lost my stuff, my wallet, my hat, my ecigarette. I was in a state of panic and terror the next day for Christmas.

Quitting for good is the way to go. You can do it.

I think that over time it gets easier to forgive yourself for bad behaviour but freshstart is right that you have to be sober to do it.

Anna

I had blackouts at the end of my drinking days too, and I agree that they will continue to happen if you don't stop drinking. And, I struggled terribly with guilt and shame regarding my behaviour while drinking. The very hardest aspect of recovery for me was getting past that. Because you have to get past it or you won't make it. Someone here suggested journaling. I really didn't want to so resisted for a long time, but finally desperation made me begin. Once I began, I just kept writing every time I had feelings of guilt and shame. The writing was cathartic and the negative feelings began to lessen.

Carla71

I know the feelings of guilt and shame all too well. I've experienced blacksouts and I was always terrified of what I had said or done. I had to learn to forgive myself and it was a rough process for me, and I still struggle with it sometimes. One quote that has helped me tremendously with this was from Dr. Phil who said, " Stand up and walk out of your history." I hope this helps.

thomas11

Well, it sounds like an evening you'd probably like to have back. Totally understandable. I agree with others, you are going to have to somehow force yourself to learn how to forgive yourself or its going repeat itself. Drink, feel bad, drink so I don't feel so bad, drink, do something you shouldn't, feel bad....ready for round two of cycle. People will be here will be along to offer much better advice. Its up to you if you decide to act on it. Sorry this happened, but keep your chin up.

blackgnat

Try to forgive yourself and the only way to really make it right is to not let it happen again. MUCH easier said than done!

I find that when you're an alcoholic, as I am, people NEVER really trust you to make things right. You REALLY have to earn it. So make that your goal-be trustworthy...

Hevyn

Welcome to a great place Allthewordsin.

I know how you're feeling now, but you can rise above this and have a new life. Getting free of alcohol's grips will ensure that you never have to worry about what you said or did. Been there many times, and it was horrible. Alcohol turns me into a person I don't even recognize. The only way I could stay safe was to quit. It's a relief to be free of it. You can do this.

LostLilly

Can totally relate to the guilt, shame, regret, and the strong desire to drink again to numb the pain but then everything ends up way, way worse in the end. Have been on this roller coaster too and can't do it anymore mentally or physically. One day at a time is what I am doing. My kids and whole family and friend group have seen me messed up many times and the thought makes me cringe and cry. Only on day 4 AGAIN and I know I must earn back trust and respect. Have been in tears every day but I know in my heart there can be better days if we take it a day at a time and don't have a first drink. I am here suffering with you and we can do it. Time does heal.

getright15

I can so relate to it all. I'm back on here after a binge of about a week. Wife left, lied to jobs, off my meds...I felt like I was losing my mind. I guess in a drunken stooper I told her to leave the house. She ended up in Seattle and stayed with her friend. We live in Vegas! Shes back now, but I made a choice that I never made before which is "I don't want to ever drink again" . I've never said those words before. Final straw for me was her leaving. I got a dose of reality of living my life without my family as I was by myself. I don't ever want to feel that again. We're on good terms right now as I didn't make any promises I just know what I need to do and stick to it.

Dee74

Some brilliant advice here

Welcome All the wordsin

I had to accept the past was the past - there's nothing I can do to change that. I can do a lot with today tho.

I made my live a kind of living amends by always striving to do the right thing...and as I grew and changed as part of that process, the past doesn't seem to matter as much anymore?

there's a ton of support here too - that really helps

D

thisisme

"but how do I cope with the shame for all I've done? "

Don't look back, you are not going that way.

JK130

Bumping.

Thanking some wise members.

Gottalife

Unless I found a way to deal with it, the past was going to kill me. There were two main areas, the things I did that hurt others, that were legally or morally wrong, and there were the things I did that hurt me. Some of thses things were legally ok, may have been fine for someone else, but were absolutely wrong for me.

I could have tried to bury it all but I would always be living having to watch out for and avoid people from the past, hoping that others would never find out what I was really like. I couldn't live that way.

Instead I got honest with another human being who knew about alcoholism and through that found out I was not the worst case ever, just a run of the mill alcoholic who did what alcoholics do, so I lost that sense of shame and apartness.

I paid my debts, and did all I could to repair the damage I did and square accounts with the people I hurt. I dont have to hide from anyone now.

I recognised my faults and try not to repeat the old behaviour, so I don't get in trouble anymore.

I use my mistakes of the past to help others from time to time. The things that used to haunt me have become great assetts.

Having done all I can, there is really nothing left to forgive. I have peace of mind.

PurpleDan

I coped with my shame by realizing I was in the grips of an incurable disease, by talking to other alcoholics and realizing it was just me that did these kind of things and by working through the 12 steps of AA. Today, I feel no shame about the things I did when drinking. I neither regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.