Soberintexas007

I don't really know what the word synthesis means, but I just felt like giving this thread that title. I am feeling a lot better since my slip last night. I barely had anything to eat yesterday and not really too much today until I had dinner a couple hours ago. So I am starting to feel "normal" again. I did go to this women's AA meeting, but it was hard to be present because I think I am still somewhat detoxing from last night. I really thought I was going to drink again tonight but chose not to.

People will often ask me if I am ready now. To be honest, I really don't know, but I do know that it is in my best interest to stay sober from alcohol, as it has several negative side effects in my life. Just from last night, I had to (1) sleep on the floor next to my fan because I was burning up, (2) got very little sleep and was very restless and shaky throughout the night, (3)had to cancel an appointment with someone today because I did not feel well in the afternoon, (4) it took me 10 minutes longer to complete my workout today burning the same number of calories, (5) I have not done any studying today, (6) Nothing is cleaned up around the apartment because I have been sullen all day.

But at least I have another Day 1 again in my pocket, and that is something. A girl shared today in the meeting how her brother who had 5 years of sobriety decided to drink again the day before her wedding, and now he is running the streets in some other city while calling family members for money. She broke down and cried as she described how fast he has deteriorated after having 5 years of sobriety. I got a little teary eyed because I realize that I can do that same sort of thing to my family and sister, which involves relapsing and making them not sleep at night because they are worried about me.

People may ask me what is it going to take for you to stay sober. I really don't know. But what I do know is that I am going to continue to try, as I really don't think I have any other choice due to the severe emotional consequences that binges and slips put me through.

thomas11

There is no shame in continuing to try.

Soberintexas007

Got almost 12 hours of sleep and feel once again 100 percent in thinking and feeling since my slip 2 days ago. In fact, I woke up feeling so rejuvenated that I forgot I was dealing with alcoholism until the next thought was, "Oh great, I am still dealing with this challenge, UGH." Oh well, what I learned from my slip is to not forget about AA and do not forget to eat something.

strategery

I think you can take away more than what you are analyzing with your recent slip. What was going through your mind before you drank? What emotions were you feeling? How could you have handled it differently (other than eating and going to AA)?

I really had to work on identifying emotions and my thinking which contributed to my drinking. I also had to learn how to cope with these emotions in a healthy manner and change my thought processes.

Soberintexas007

Well, I was definitely feeling depressed since my golden state warriors lost their game in the nba finals. I live in the Bay Area. It was a warm day, and then started to CRAVE beer and having some on my balcony. Other than that, I don't really know. I just gave in to the craving. I drove to the store, bought ribs and beer, and then just started drinking. Everything was good up until the 3rd, 4th beer and then it was downhill from there.

strategery

You are going to definitely have to try to identify why you're wanting to drink, which can definitely be a challenge early on. One of the things I would do is I would make myself fill in this blank when I wanted to drink, " I want to drink today because_______". I would then make myself identify these emotions behind it and why I was feeling it (what am I thinking? Why am I feeling this way?)
Identifying these thoughts and emotions are critical.

Considering you have been working on your sobriety, why did you allow yourself to give into the craving? Was it that you didn't believe a couple of beers would be that big of a deal? That you deserved some relaxation time? That you could get sober again tomorrow? I had to start challenging those arguments I had previously made for myself for giving myself permission to drink.

Soberintexas007

It's difficult because I live with an active alcoholic, and he drinks on his off days (Sundays and Mondays), and I think I am beginning to feel the hopelessness of that situation. Do I really want to hang out babysitting an alcoholic on our off days for the rest of my life? Do I really want to eventually work hard in my career only to have to babysit another alcoholic on my days off? That is also the thought that I had on Tuesday after babysitting him on Sunday and Monday, and so I think the thought was, "My life sucks, why not just drink today." And then I had the other thoughts after that, such as, "I guess I deserve some relaxation time," "I can most likely get away with a slip without too much harm being done."

But then I have also thought if I still would drink even if we weren't together. I really don't know, but I do know that I would be around a lot less alcohol.

On The Road

Hi there

I can totally understand how you feel right now. When I quit, I really had a hard time with the thought that I could never have another sip of alcohol. I was depressed. My therapist helped me work through the grief of loosing my lover. I had to bury her, or she was going to bury me. And as I worked through it, the thought of alcohol being dead to me left me no choice. I had to move on with my life. And that meant changing a lot of things. Won't bore you with details, but it's the best thing I've ever done for myself.

Dee74

You don't need to babysit anyone else or join in with anyone else's active addiction.

Thinking that you do is really keeping you pinned down, IMO.

D

Soberintexas007

I think the reality of my situation is that I am very depressed. I have learned, however, how to mask that depression because I have so much stuff that I need to do. I did not have time to go into my depression when I was getting my master's degree or counseling families in my internship. I think that is why I had turned to gambling when I was not drinking. Gambling took me away from my depression and gave me a distraction. But now I have given up gambling and now face drinking again. I have so many issues with so many things in my life. I don't agree with what most people do around me, and it becomes a resentment and eats away at me. I really don't like talking to people but have learned to become a good socializer. Maybe I am just a very miserable, unhappy person. But, like I said, I have learned to put on a fasad because it keeps me going, and my family would not be very happy if I just gave up. The reality is that I really just dislike life, sad but true.

strategery

You are going to need to sort out how you want to deal with your living situation and what your goals are for that relationship as well as yourself. This is probably not going to be an easy situation and it will take time, but you can get through it sober. There are a number of individuals here that have alcoholic S/Os and have achieved sobriety.

Why do you feel like you have to babysit the person living with you when they're drinking? Why not plan for the next time the person you're living with is drinking, make plans to do something else fun? You could go to a movie or do a number of other things. You could also plan to do something fun with them on their days off. If they don't go since they want to drink, just go yourself.

Also, start challenging that thinking. Was that relaxation time worth how you've been feeling the past couple of days? I always found that the cravings would pick up when I drank. I eventually came to the conclusion that a couple of hours of respite with the drink was not worth the two weeks of cravings.

Soberintexas007

And the reason I pursed being a counselor is because I was always seeking answers in my past to my own problems and issues that it just felt like the right profession for me. I don't like to work with my hands, I don't like manual labor, I don't like having a boss, I like to make my own hours, I like to work indoors with air conditioning, and so I figured that talking to people was my best choice of career; otherwise, my parents would stop supporting me and helping me out. It's been nice helping other people, but that is not the true reason I did this career; the true reason is that it is convenient. And it has been a good experience, but it can also be very draining and exhausting constantly having to listen to other people and their new problems and trying to help them figure it out, etc. etc. Which is why I am taking a break right now and just studying for my two upcoming exams.

Soberintexas007

Yes, I am trying to figure out fun things to do with my S/O. Maybe it just takes time. Yes, there were two consequences to having those few hours of relaxation: (1)I needed a full day to recover and that night of sleeping after drinking was horrendous and (2)Yes, the cravings come back full force.

Soberintexas007

But, it is true. We all pay the price if we choose to drink. As alcoholics, we know the consequences, but we deny them to ourselves because we want to get away with another day/night of drinking.

And then after we drink, the thought is, "Crap. Now I am going to have to pay the price for this. This really sucks."

ScottFromWI

Sounds to me like you need to sit down and decide what your priorities are. You mentioned before that you need to pass these exams before you can become a therapist. But if you already know that you are just doing it to keep the support of your parents and because it's convenient, that sounds like setting yourself up failure.

Soberintexas007

I wanted to add this thing I forgot to mention about my career. As an intern, I was dealing with very poor, disenfranchised families. It was A LOT of work, including paperwork. My therapist told me that it gets better when you are in private practice because you can choose what clientele you want (and there is far less paperwork), so I am hopeful about that. And you have to remember that I was pretty much working for free, so that sucked. (Just didn't want to sound all negative about the counseling profession)

ScottFromWI

Mental health issues are just as much work to deal with no matter what economic background the clientele come from.

Soberintexas007

I was effective at helping other people. Remember, I was not drinking during my internship. When I say it is convenient, what I mean by that is that if I had to choose a career in this world to support myself, psychology would be that career because I am good at talking and listening to people. I am good at helping other people to open up. Plus, it fits exactly what I want in a career - I want to be my own boss, I want to make my own hours, I want to work indoors, I don't want to use my hands, etc. etc. So being a therapist would be my number one choice of career to earn a living.

When I talk about my parents helping me out, what I mean by that is that they are not going to help me out if all I do is sit around all day. They want me to be productive, which means that I do have to work. Don't get me wrong, I probably should be working. But I also like to sleep in, I like to exercise, I like to relax, etc. etc. So an 8 hour job each day wouldn't really fit into these goals. My husband works and supports me, but he doesn't make enough to support where we live and what I want out of my life (that is where my parents come into the picture)

I'll probably end up counseling other transgender women who want to go through the process of becoming women (remember, they have to receive psychological assessment first). I was never given the opportunity to counsel other transgender women in my internship, so that will be more meaningful for me once I get started.

ScottFromWI

How many hours a day do you think a therapist works?

Soberintexas007

That is true. But the paperwork was incredibly too much at the clinic I worked for. Most interns had to drop out of their internship where I worked because of the paperwork, as they could not handle it. My supervisor told me I set the standard for completing the paperwork. In private practice, there will not be this same amount of paperwork because I probably won't accept Medi-Cal clients. I will most likely be private pay and not accept insurance, and will probably treat a lot of gender dysphoric individuals.