sleepie

I have been on a binge for 2 days now, 14 drinks yesterday and 9 today.
The awful thing is, beyond the obvious- is that I completed 2 creative endeavors and a few chores.
I was utterly unmotivated before that.
I know I am in deep.
I had 3 weeks, I don't know what else to say except I deserve whatever is dished out.
I have been here for a long time. I know people are disgusted with my repeated relapses.
My apologies to those who reached out repeatedly through the times I asked for help but those sober days and weeks, are due to you all and thank you so much for that.

Dee74

I'm not disgusted, I just feel for you sleepie.

I'm sorry you're drinking and I'm sorry that you feel that drinking is still helping you in some way.

I felt that way to for a long time.

The only time I felt normal was when I was drunk, and it never occurred to me just how dependent or addicted that made me.

Unfortunately it's a dead end street.

I wanted more and more booze and drugs by the end just to keep functioning, and nothing worked.

I gave 30 years to addiction but I could barely give 3 days to recovery.

For all my reasons, valid or not, there was something very wrong with that picture,.

I really hope you decide to reverse and go a different way

D

suki44883

Sleepy...(((HUGS))). There are many, MANY people here who relapsed time and time again. We are not here to chastise you. We are here to support you. If you continue to get back up each time you stumble, then we will continue to support you.

I do think, though, that you might need to look at some additional support other than SR. We all need all the support we can get.

airwick

You do not have to apologize to anyone. You are only hurting yourself.

Just keep trying . Sooner or later sobriety will kick in. You just have to remain strong and kick alcohol out

Anna

Sleepie, I'm not disgusted by what is happening with you, just saddened.

As Dee said, I felt like I need the alcohol to get anything done too. I was sure of it. I felt like I couldn't motivate myself to do anything without alcohol. But, that's alcoholic thinking, Sleepie. It's what keeps you hooked.

I hope you decide to stop drinking.

ScottFromWI

Nothing to be sorry for, just don't let the self pity build to the point of allowing for a major binge. Like they say, you never know which one is going to be the last. So why not end the binge now while you still have some sense about you? And you do have some sense yet, otherwise you wouldn't have come. Don't worry about the big picture today, just worry about not drinking any more today.

MIRecovery

You've done what we all have. The only difference we got so tired of doing it we became willing to do anything to stop. If what you are doing isn't working then it is time for something different

There is a different way and you can do it

Hevyn

Don't apologize to us - the people who understand more than anyone can. I went through this many times. I eventually got free, and you will too Sleepie. Never give up, not ever.

Soberintexas007

Hi Sleepie,
As you know, I have also had repeated slips in the past few months. I also felt guilty like you when I slipped because I felt everyone was trying to help me, and I was just doing the same thing. The only reason why I have 4 days sober today is because I don't know if I can handle another slip, it was just becoming too much for me to have a 4 day bender.

I also feel the need to share this with you. When I was studying last night, I read that excessive alcohol use plus benzodiazepines use can result in death, so please be careful.

Hugs!!!

dwtbd

I'm waiting for the day you post that you did Creative things, the whole while giving your AV a big fat middle finger, I know it's coming , rooting for ya.

least

I hope you find the support you need to stop this madness.

Dharma33

Sleepie, I felt for a long time that I had to be drinking/ drunk to be able to do or get the motivation to accomplish the slightest task, let alone anything of magnitude.

That was me listening to my AV giving the OK to drink.

Keep on trying. Can you pour the rest out and start over? It's worth doing.

FLCamper

What helps you and motivates you to not drink?

sleepie

Thank you people.
FLCamper that is such a good question. I really will have to think of it for awhile.

strategery

I'm not disgusted either, just sad and worried for you. It's definitely harder to keep putting yourself through the cycle of getting some sober time, falling off and then restarting since early sobriety is tough.
I hope you start considering more intensive options to help you get sober since you've been struggling for so long.

sleepie

Thanks guys I am going to drink water and go to bed.
You all mean so much to me.

Dreaming123

You are NOT disgusting sleepie. And NOBODY here is ashamed of you. Get up and try again. You are loved!

Joe Nerv

I didn't stop drinking until I was ready to stop drinking. Sadly, that meant for me that I could no longer function at all any more, had 0 hope left, and had an extension cord wrapped around my neck. Just couldn't get the guts up to make the final move.

Once we know there's a problem, the elevator just keeps going down. We can get off at any floor we choose. Many wait till it hits the basement, destroying everything them in the process. All during a time they could be growing, learning and adding something positive to the people around them.

This to me tell me that on some level you still believe alcohol is working for you. I think that's sad, because a thought like that is all that the disease (the beast, or whatever you want to call it) needs to stay alive and well. Keep believing it's line of BS, and well... Alcohol robbed me of everything it promised, and left me with ONLY alcohol. Sobriety gave back to me everything alcohol took away, and allowed me to live my dreams.

Recovery takes a powerful desire to change and live differently. That doesn't happen by just putting the drink down. It happens by taking action, and for a while doing things that cut against our grain. Things that we don't want, or like to do. I firmly believe that.

Wish you the best.

Hawkeye13

I'm not judging you either sleepie--so many times I tried to quit and couldn't.
I also used to think that drinking was my "sacrifice" on the alter of creativity.

It doesn't have to be that way. You can be creative and sober.

I'm glad you're getting some sleep--see you later on today and
don't feel bad, just make a new plan.

zjw

not me! You know yest I was having a tough day i started to think perhaps I should just start my mornings with a drink again maybe that would help ::facepalm::

I know its not you and its not me. Its this addiction talking. Thats why I won't start my day with a drink. I'd like to starve this demon. I know if I have a drink i'll just fuel the fire.

If it where a big deal when you fell down you'd never be able to get back up. Hang int here and just keep trying sooner or later it sticks.