Aellyce

Hi zjw.

I'm sorry to hear this situation persists or is getting worse, I know you have been struggling with your job for a while. I relate to your feelings from my last year of drinking and then off and on in a good portion of my first year sober. I actually felt quite lost for a while and very uneasy because of my widely fluctuating motivation regarding work. I also had no clue where it was coming from, since no matter how I look at it, the field and type of work I'm doing is probably as suitable and ideal for me as it can get. So your situation might be different in that.

In fact, the main reason why I started therapy after getting sober was my confusion about no longer feeling that my work was very meaningful to me or inspired me on the level I was used to from my younger years. Practically speaking, I wanted to address my procrastination tendencies due to somehow not feeling the need to progress and complete tasks on a timely schedule. Also like you, I felt a bit disconnected with the technical developments of my field during that last year before I got sober, when I definitely did not do a good job to keep up with new things... my field is one that tends to go through tech developments that often guide even the problems we work on, with light speed especially in the past ~10 years. I don't know your exact IT field, but I do know that programming is like that, too -- my work also involves a lot of informatics tools, and while I don't do most of the very complex stuff myself and use collaborations instead, I am constantly aware of the developments and challenges in this aspect. I am absolutely not surprised if you feel a level of inadequacy that was not there earlier, it may be you in part but I'm almost certain this field is challenging for everyone nowadays. Perhaps the pace is what you are uncomfortable with, and then you avoid trying to keep up with developments due to anxiety of failure? Myself, I definitely figured that all of my procrastinating was due to anxiety and not feeling competent enough. So that I would delay dealing with things due to a fear of failure and feeling that I don't know enough. With some work on the issue, I found it's a complete illusion, just anxiety in the literal sense. I know full well how that can interfere with not only motivation but also the ability to concentrate and complete tasks. If it's only about the projects, I think Scott had a good suggestion about breaking it down to smaller fragments and everyday challenges.

Other things I've learned, and for me this was even more important: that my feeling unmotivated regarding work was actually not related to professional life per se, much more to the fact that other areas of my personal life were unfulfilled and struggling. I had insecurities in "lower level" needs, relationships, etc that were causing the undercurrent of the dissatisfaction much more than work itself, a more state of general existential angst. I did not talk about it too much here on SR, but it was very challenging in certain periods.

You know what put an end to it? The good ol' concept of making changes, and realizing that it's all down to personal choices. I really had to work on those things that bothered me independently of work, and which occupied my mind often instead of working. So you mention you often think about your family rather than working... is everything alright in your family life? I would really suggest that you take a good deep look at your life in a more holistic way to see if there are things bothering you, that perhaps divert your attention too much. It also sounds like you have been in this situation for a while, waiting for things to somehow change... but you know, it is more likely those things will change if we are proactive in creating the changes!

I agree with the comment that there is high demand in IT these days... probably high competition as well, but plenty of opportunities. It's better if we seek these out rather than waiting for someone to help or something to happen, I think.

What I personally did was coming up with a solution that integrated changes both in my work and general lifestyle. This gave me new challenges to work towards, and it's an ongoing work in progress. I no longer feel bored at all. The position within the institution where I work also changed (to my "horror" back then, instead of getting fired, I got a promotion, which seemed absurd but only because I was not seeing the whole picture). I think it's also easy to get frustrated and bored if we keep doing exactly the same kind of work in the same way for many years.

Not sure about antidepressants, but I think seeing some sort of therapist might help, if for nothing else, to do an assessment on what might be causing your struggles. I really benefited a lot from therapy in finding my focus and meaning again -- I think what happens often is that we get fixated on certain things while the real issues are elsewhere... and in these situations, getting external feedback and guidance can be very helpful.

I wish you all the best and please do consider actively seeking changes and solutions for yourself!

zjw

thanks haennie. I think another issue too is I know its been mentioned before how if our job has a sense of purpose / reward it tends to be better etc.. I dont really get that out of my position so its rather empty I suppose.

today might just be one of those days. I just had something else happen thats causing me and my wife some emotional issues.

maybe it'll be bedtime soon?

I have a feeling nothing else will get accomplished at work today. I think maybe i got a solid hour of work in *sigh*. I'd fire myself if I could.

leviathan

no advice here, but want to share a couple things ive learned during the sobriety journey.
I AM NOT my job. employment is what i do to make money. while it is good to excel at something and feel productive, my whole self worth cannot be based on job performance.

I AM NOT defined by my addiction or recovery. while it is important to stay vigilant, it does not flavor all of my life's events. success/failure, joy/sadness, etc.-all possibilities high or sober. sober is just better for me. that's evidence based! so when the crap hits the fan, and i think "i should just get ripped!" or "i should kill myself." i now know that is not who i am. its just the vestiges of a tired old habit.

hang in there. hoping it all works out for you.

zjw

I adopt this attitude all the time to cope. I end up taking a step back going for a walk or a run or stuffing my head in the sand while I calm myself down so that i can get back to doing what is hould be doing for work etc.. The issue is it happens entirely too much during the work day.

Aellyce

I think that leviathan had good points here. It's never a good thing to overly self-identify with a role that we play in life, eg. our professional role here. But I think this is easier for some people than for others. I also tend to get very attached to my work and professional roles, and this inevitably includes experiencing a lot of stress when things don't go too well for a while, I tend to internalize failures, because I take my work as a form of self expression. I'm more like an artist in this sense. I think it's probably easier not to get so stressed and feel injured in our self worth when we do not approach work this way, rather just something that pays the bills. But still need to be motivated to do it in the everyday reality.

I also think it may be a good idea for you to have a honest talk with your employer if you can. Do you have work appraisals? That might be a good time, but perhaps also just anytime. Not say that you feel uninterested and unmotivated, perhaps just that you would like to discuss longer term goals and perspectives, expectations etc. Maybe raise that you would be interested in having other types of responsibilities as well to learn and improve?

I did this both before I got sober and was very depressed for a while, pretty much unable to get anything decent done, and in early sobriety. I was told that I was far too harsh on myself, and then that my boss appreciated my honesty, which is apparently not typical in these kinds of appraisal meetings and people more generally want to oversell themselves and are in denial about problems or at least not open about them. It was such a relief each time to get feedback, and also suggestions how I could potentially change the things I was not happy with in my performance. Of course no mention of the drinking, but my employer knew that I struggled with depression (and they were incredibly helpful!). Maybe your employer is indeed dissatisfied with your performance, but then at least you would know after a honest talk and could maybe do something accordingly?

Anyhow, I think probably anything is better than just waiting for things to improve passively.

zjw

i'm terrified to approach my boss he's pretty unapproachable in this regard. there doing layoffs as is so it not like there are openings of new stuff etc... and finding the right words so as to not tip my hand at saying i'm having a problem is going to be tough.

I'll maul it over but i'm not sure if talking to them is an option.

zjw

oddly i do fine on the performance evaluations even tho I know my performance is far from what it could or should be they have yet to document it.

Confuzd

I am basically an electronics tech, not directly IT but there are similarities. There are a few things I try to remind myself:
-In my field, it is much hard to train a new person, there are certain things that require on the job experience, it's not like my boss is out to fire me when he knows he would have to train a new person to do things I've done for years
-When I'm having a bad day, I make a To Do list at work, I write down what I need to do and also give it priority High or Low
-I work through each High priority thing logically: when do I have to complete this task? Is there anything I need (tools, materials, etc) that I need, that I don't have? Can any of my coworkers help me with this task?
-If there are issues or I think it's going to take longer than expected, I tell my boss. Calmly, not defensivly. I explain why I think it's taking this long.
-I remind myself that anyone can get fired or laid off. It's usually because business is slow. That is beyond my control. Unless I act like a total jerk or am completely lazy, I probably won't get fired. If business is slow, then tough, if I'm not longer needed I'm no longer needed and I look for another job.

I hope this help. Best of luck to you!

bemyself

Aw gee, z, I do relate (from past experience - not working anymore) to much of what you're grappling with. I wasn't in the IT field, but was nevertheless also in what's broadly called these days 'knowledge work' - i.e. essentially anything requiring pretty hard-core abilities in analysis, conceptual thinking, complexity, etc etc. How well I remember many times of feeling just as you have been.

Some excellent responses for you here. It's great - when I think about it - that you have this forum to come to and chew the fat with others who understand. Wish I'd had it way back when!

Anyway, the thing that really leapt out at me was 'they're doing layoffs'. Don't underestimate the effect of that alone on your confusion, anxiety, difficulty coping. Anyone who's been in such an environment - and plenty have, with lots of it still going on to this day, post-GFC - will tell you of really feeling like they're battling uphill to cope. The very atmosphere among remaining workers is one of greatly elevated stress, added workloads, more pressure.....really really toxic for anyone in the best of health and wellbeing, let alone with underlying or recurring anxiety problems. And of course, as you say, when you have a family to support as well (I was only supporting me and my pets at the time up to and after we were made redundant)...well, you see what I'm saying?

Maybe not much immediate help to you, but perhaps a way to in part re-frame your difficulties as being not solely down to your individual 'failures' as a worker. It's much more structural forces in play, is all I'm suggesting.

I know it's difficult to seek another job when you're increasingly sure you actually want to leave the field altogether. However, I've known heaps of people who would utilise the lay-off / redundancies environment to - as haennie wisely says - be a bit more proactive. Take a few risks on jumping ship from THIS job, even if it means you may have to initially obtain another one doing similar work - and even, as you suspect, perhaps at a slightly lower pay grade but with a bit less insane pressure. Sometimes it has helped people to get that breathing space, even just for a while, as they re-think what their next move could be. Career transition, call it what you will. But it can happen. Like all transitions though, as you know, it can take time, and you taking an active role in changing your course.

Just food for thought, hope it helps a little.
x Vic

zjw

thanks bemyself
yeah along with everyhting you said just the politics and red tape alone where i work is enough to pummel someone. years ago to do certain things it was simple now theres all sorts of procedures and such and you get one step wrong you get slapped and that makes you feel well stupid at least it does me. I do not thrive in environmens like this. I do better in that small company / we operate like a family environment. My employer couldnt have matched up a worse team as well none of us really like each other i mean sure one or 2 pair off but thats a lot of friction between everyone mainly cultural diffences and such so it can be difficult.

I dont like the hand i was dealt but I'm just trying to make due with it the best way i possibly can it just eats at me many days when i'm lucky to see an hour or 2 of true work done in a an 8 hour shift. I just know that could catch up with me and probably will.

I'm lifting my spirits now and tommorrow i'm gonna try and shut he bad thoughts down and try and buckle down and get some stuff done. I know life will throw everything it can at me but i'm gonna try and at least start my day with a smile and an eager attitude for a change.

I just gotta win this battle.

sleepie

zjw I am sorry you are having these troubles.

As long as you maintain your sobriety you have that foundation.
I know you have a family and so much more to support and I fully regard that when it comes to your situation.
Just stay on course, I know the stress is so difficult. Even worst case scenario, you have your own integrity at the end of the day.
I think you have the tenacity and grey matter to forge on no matter what happens.
Coming from someone who knows repeated failure. You have plenty to work with.
Stay sober, you have long term sobriety and that in itself is the number one step.