brynn

I drank after almost 6 months abstinence.

Most of last week was spent Letting myself indulge in drinking thoughts even though I knew it was wrong. Once I got it in my head I knew I was going to no matter how much time I spent reading posts of recent relapses and the horror stories contained within or re reading Rational Recovery or practicing mindfulness or any of that stuff we are supposed to do.

I willfully made a choice to drink and disregard my Big Plan and the commitment I made to myself to never drink again. I have to say that yes, I am incredibly disappointed with myself and I feel like **** knowing I've let myself down and gone against my own moral code on this. Drinking is wrong for me. I know it's wrong and I did it anyway. I could blame it on a number of things and on the culmination of many things but the bottom line is I chose to pour alcohol down my throat knowing full well where it would lead.

I had/have no illusion of moderation....never have been able to or even wanted to since my first drink at 15. So this wasn't an experiment in that, nor was it an experiment to see if I could 'handle' it now....I know better than that after 22 years of drinking.

All I can say is that I felt a compulsion to drink and I felt incredibly restless because of that compulsion and I was obsessing about drinking again and I just wanted it to go away. Again...not an excuse....I'm trying to verbalized for myself why the **** I did it.

I didn't quit drinking for anyone but myself in the first place. My partner is an alcoholic, my family (what's left of them) are all addicts of some sort, it's actually easier to stay in my addiction given my situation.
When I quit drinking back in December I had become so depressed and suicidal because of my drinking and I knew if I kept going I would die, probably by my own hand. I've had 2 dwi's, multiple pi's, numerous blackouts, I've cheated on my late husband and on my current partner and the list goes on......and knowing all that and the absolute misery I lived in for years, I still chose to drink yesterday.

I didn't deal with the obsessive thoughts. I didn't deal with the restlessness they caused. Well....actually I did deal with it by drinking but I didn't deal with it the way I should have.

I have the usual and awful anxiety I knew I was going to experience and I really think it's the worst it's ever been. Ive spent today trying to recuperate and am still in bed and still unable to keep anything down.
Woke up this morning still drunk and proceeded to continue drinking in hopes I could stop shaking and calm my nerves. Ha! ( There's some rational thinking for you!) I finally decided to stop drinking early this afternoon and take my lumps.

To make matters worse my partner said something to the affect of he knew this sobriety kick wouldn't last. That was a stab in the heart but I totally deserve it.

I don't like the way I feel. I don't like that I ignored what I know to be true and I don't like that I betrayed my own commitment.

I don't know what I need right now. I just know that I purposefully drank and I knew better. I don't know why all of a sudden after almost 6 months it was so vital and pressing that I drink now! I really hate myself right now but I know I only have myself to blame.

fini

no, brynn, you don't deserve stabs in the heart, no matter what!

very sorry to read you went back there.
i'm not sure how much "willfully made a choice" while in compulsion; the figuring out of this seeming contradiction was very beneficial for me.

hope you can get off this ride and stay off.
if the lumps get too rough, please go to the ER.

blame is not real useful, y'know?

trachemys

Well, you said it all.

Appropriately, you left anyone else out of it.

Soberintexas007

Sorry Brynn to hear about your relapse. I can understand how devastated you are since you decided to go back to a substance that has caused you so much grief in your life. What are you going to change next time these obsessive thoughts begin to plague you? What can you do different?

Girlie928

Dear Brynn: About 6 weeks ago I did the same thing after 5 months of not drinking. I couldn't have described the thought process any better than you just did. I think you just described the obsession of the mind part of this disease. You're back here in 1 day. I stayed out there 6 weeks and it got pretty bad. The good news is we're both back in treatment. Stop drinking and hang here every minute of the day if that is what it takes. Wishing you calm.

AllieKat

We have all been there. Not that you should take it lightly but it happens. Are you going to continue to do it or was it a one time thing? What is your plan now?

SDH73

Brynn, I get it. Once it really gets that hold on you there doesn't seem to be anything you could do to shake it, except to drink in hopes of shutting it up.

I hope you'll leave this episode behind you and come back out swinging!

JeffreyAK

Sorry to hear, it's nothing to minimize, but it happens, and you're obviously not minimizing it. What do you think you might do differently next time? Having a plan is often really important, like if I keep obsessing about drinking, I will do X, and then just do it. Lots of things can help, support group meetings, go for walk, listen to music with headphones. One time at about 6 months, I found myself obsessing over the coming weekend, and I just left town, stayed in a hotel for a couple nights. Whatever it takes.

ScottFromWI

Thanks for the brutal honesty Brynn. I think the fact that you are here telling us means that deep down sobriety is what you want, and I have no doubt you can attain it. My entire first year sober was riddled with urges, anxiety and the like...it really does take longer for some of us to figure it out. I am not sure what all you used for your recovery, but I am positive you will find something that does work for you. And we will be here the entire way for you too.

MariahGayle

You still have those 6 months of Sobriety Brynn, just start again now, & move forward. PM me anytime, I care about you.....you are not alone in this!

brynn

Thanks for the support y'all.

For the record, I reject the theory that alcoholism is a disease thus making this a relapse. Relapses happen with diseases. I have MS and am currently in the middle of an MS relapse and I have no control over that. I do however have control over what I put in my mouth and subsequently pour down my throat. I do not want to debate this, just making my position on that clear.

I'm done drinking. I can't in good conscience continue. I know it's wrong for me and with how despicable I feel about myself right now I can see the writing on the wall. Both my mom and my sister died from their addiction. My sister committed suicide and I know if I continue it would be a very short time before I got way too close to that edge.

I have to find a way to deal with the obsessive thoughts and restlessness and unsettled feeling that accompanies them, though, because I can't go through this again.

esinger

Sorry your going through this. I know it's no consolation but around six months was when I drank my first go round. You seem to know what you have to do. All you can do is move forward. No sense letting the guilt eat you up.

Rooting for you!

jaynie04

brynn, I am glad you came straight back here and posted. I am familiar with your story and the fact that you put 6 months together when you put your mind to it bodes well now that you are ready to dig your heels in again. For the record, I had one failed attempt before I got sober the last time. I knew when I got sober this time that I was truly done. It sounds like you are in that same frame of mind.

I just wanted to lend my support and tell you I care too!

Carlotta

Well you are taking full responsibility and that's good
Your AV got the best of you but just because you lost that battle doesn't mean you lost the war.
Moving on and moving forward, recommit to your big plan and please don't bash yourself too hard. You are neither the first nor unfortunately the last to break abstinence (see I'm being good I did not say relapse LOL)
I m glad you are back here reaching out and being honest. Just chalk it up as a setback and learn from the experience. Also maybe look into ways to deal with your AV when you start obsessing.
Have you looked into mindfulness meditation?

Jeni26

Hi Brynn. I've been there, done that. I feel your pain.

The only way I made sense of it was to look on it as a learning experience...otherwise it was just too difficult to feel like I had to start again. I used that experience to help others and try something new in my recovery. For me it was going to a bunch of different meetings and walking through the anxiety of speaking in front of the group. For you, maybe some different tools to help you relax, or some sober support outside your immediate alcoholic family. I live with an alcoholic too, and it makes it that much easier to drink because it is 'normal' to do so in that environment.

I'm a few months back in sobriety now and I feel stronger than ever.

Thinking of you x

RobbyRobot

Hi Brynn.

Sorry to hear about the return to drinking. Happy to hear you have quickly returned to quitting. If I was to choose to drink today, tomorrow, or any future time, it would require of me to not so much fail in my sobriety, as it would actually and simply be my taking action to be successful in my efforts to pick up that drink.

I respect you do not yourself subscribe to alcoholism as an illness. For myself, I do understand my alcoholism is an illness of mind, body, and spirit. It's not really important we have different perspectives. Either way, we both know quitting is doable, and abstinence can be sustained for a lifetime. Nonetheless, in knowing this, you drank anyways after 6 months of success in staying quit. If I drank, it would be no different except it would be after 33 years of success in staying quit.

I know I'll never drink again not because of my years of sobriety, but more because I chose back in July 1981 to never again be drunk. At the time of my quitting, I didn't have a clue to what sobriety was or wasn't. I didn't care either. I only cared about never ever being drunk again. To this day, this is still my cornerstone to staying quit. It took several months of staying quit before I could enjoy my sobriety. Sobriety is a whole other story, and speaks to my lifestyle choices, and not to what motivated my actual quit, as explained above.

I drank to be drunk. I drank to be dead to myself. Dead and senseless to my inside life, to my own psyche, to my own self. I drank to obliterate myself. I drank for what alcohol did to and for me. I drank for effect.

I didn't drink because my life was in ruins. I didn't care about my life. I didn't drink because I was a chronic alcoholic suffering from alcoholism either. I'm still the same alcoholic with the same alcoholism, and I haven't drank for decades. Its true I no longer suffer from my alcoholism, but that has everything to do with my sobriety, and nothing to do with my quitting. Quitting didn't end my suffering. Sobriety ended it.

Without a new lifestyle, I would not have stayed quit. The suffering would have been impossible for me to endure. I had tried quitting on my own for a few years but without changing myself much. You know, I didn't really create a new me from the ashes of my past ruined life. I took my old life with me, and of course, I failed to stay quit.

I understand my alcoholism as an illness because it creates endless opportunities to create a new me. My alcoholism is in spiritual lockup and remission. My alcoholic mind is shutdown as well. My Addictive Voice, which is simply my addiction using my own thoughts to create future opportunities for drinking, is a completely normal series of efforts to get me to pick up that drink. I will always have some measure of AV. My AV is completely inconsequential in comparison to what else is happening in my mind. I'm free of my AV, which means I'm free of my addiction, now and for evermore.

I think we do ourselves a serious injustice whenever we search for reasons, excuses, justifications, consequences, and so on and whatever as to why did we pickup that drink.

For me, it would be the same answer today, as it was 33 years ago before I quit: simply to be drunk.

As you and some others know, I have at best a year to live. Sure, maybe a few months more or less either way. The writing is on the wall that cancer will take my life. So from any reasonable perspective, my life is in ruins. And yet, I've not returned to drinking. Sobriety won't ever trump or negate the circumstances of my soon to be ruined life. Sobriety won't save me.

What is different is I care about my life, and being drunk would mean it would be impossible for me to care about anything. I want to care, so this obligates me to stay quit. I can't have it both ways.

Please don't take this wrong, but I would like to suggest you simply drank for the effect because you didn't care about the consequences against your life. You have again quit because you can't stand not caring. You feel more real, more yourself when you do care, and so quitting and staying quit is the only way forward which creates opportunities for you to care.

Please don't beat yourself up with guilt, blame, and failure. Rebuild yourself on the bones of your choice to once again care enough to not be drunk. It really doesn't have to be complicated.

You would likely do well to examine your past life while you were actively drinking, and while being sober for those six months, and draw some new conclusions, so as to create new opportunities to be comfortable in your sober lifestyle. Simplicity in sobriety is a real joy.

You didn't drink because of sobriety failure. You didn't drink because of BP failure either. You drank because you once again fully agreed to not care about being drunk. All this is of course just my opinion, as you know. Take what makes sense, if anything, and leave the rest, or all of it, as you may choose. As well, this post is way longer than I had intended.

I believe in you (((Brynn)))

Dee74

Some great advice here Brynn

I understand the self loathing but beating yourself up keeps conditions ripe for more drinking in my opinion.

The most important thing is you're back and you're already looking at what you might do better.

This need not be a total wipeout but merely a wobble

D

mecanix

Brynn ,
i once read a book called "obsessive love" when it hurts too much to let go , also in a book called depression the way out of your prison by dorothy rowe , between the two of them and others i found enough of a foot hold to slowly change what was going on in my mind .

There used to be an internal narrative going on all the time , these days it's so empty in here that i'm sure tumble weeds blow through

I hope you find or can learn respite without the drink , it's horrible when our minds won't shut up ,
m

Julie59

Oh I so feel for you Brynn. And you express yourself so well and in doing so describe what sooooo many of us have also done to ourselves. I did it after 12 months and now am having problems to try and get back to where I was. In a strange way your "battle" and the way you do express yourself so well actually helps me as I know you truly understand how bad it can get. (Phew hope that makes sense! ) I hope you are getting through today slowly but surely. ((( )))

Turtle82

I'm sorry Brynn. Thank you for sharing. You describe, perfectly, the hell of self-will. Bless you. I know you can come back from this and pray you do. ((hugs))