Only have myself to blame...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Originally Posted by heartcore 
Love to you, sweet Brynn.
This is not a linear path headed toward "well." This is a lifetime journey that is full of circling backs and dead ends, climbing over railings to switch paths, pulling yourself over rocks to skip sections of the trail, and sometimes steep cliffs that we throw ourselves over for reasons we can only begin to articulate.
The good news is that - just like in real-life mountain climbing - knowing the trail intimately makes it faster and safer and gives us the space to look around and enjoy just a little bit more. You know the path you're about to retake; you can continue even in the dark if necessary (although a head-lamp helps! in this metaphor, that would be faith-in-self glowing).
We are all with you, in various spots on this long and awesome trail. Lots of people never even attempt this mountain. Many folks turn around and head back down in short time, discouraged. Some just set up camp by the side of the trail and decide they've gone far enough, the view is just fine where they are.
The rest of us, well, we just keep powering up. More capable each time of avoiding danger. Look - now I am carrying water-proof matches! Yikes - watch that unmarked cliff-edge on the left!
Brynn - you are happiest in sobriety; I can tell from your writing. Over these months, your voice got stronger and clearer. So, hang in there and keep climbing. You chose this mountain, and it ain't going anywhere. It is waiting for you - solid and imperturbable - waiting because when you chose it (sobriety), it chose you, also...
This is not a linear path headed toward "well." This is a lifetime journey that is full of circling backs and dead ends, climbing over railings to switch paths, pulling yourself over rocks to skip sections of the trail, and sometimes steep cliffs that we throw ourselves over for reasons we can only begin to articulate.
The good news is that - just like in real-life mountain climbing - knowing the trail intimately makes it faster and safer and gives us the space to look around and enjoy just a little bit more. You know the path you're about to retake; you can continue even in the dark if necessary (although a head-lamp helps! in this metaphor, that would be faith-in-self glowing).
We are all with you, in various spots on this long and awesome trail. Lots of people never even attempt this mountain. Many folks turn around and head back down in short time, discouraged. Some just set up camp by the side of the trail and decide they've gone far enough, the view is just fine where they are.
The rest of us, well, we just keep powering up. More capable each time of avoiding danger. Look - now I am carrying water-proof matches! Yikes - watch that unmarked cliff-edge on the left!
Brynn - you are happiest in sobriety; I can tell from your writing. Over these months, your voice got stronger and clearer. So, hang in there and keep climbing. You chose this mountain, and it ain't going anywhere. It is waiting for you - solid and imperturbable - waiting because when you chose it (sobriety), it chose you, also...
...holds the key
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
That was beautiful and so are everyone's posts, thank you.
Perfection rules my life and always has and I think I'm just now realizing the negative side of that. I punish myself mercilessly for mistakes just like I punish my body daily with extremely rigid diet rules and ridiculous amounts of exercise (except for the occasional caramel cone ice cream
). I know a lot of us grew up in alcoholic, chaos-filled homes and I've always been reluctant to admit that it had any real affect on me, but I know I coped by being an over achiever in everything I did and being super organized and perfect at home in hopes of escaping my parents erratic moods. I demand perfection from myself and any variance causes a lot of guilt and awful negative self talk.
I say all that because this is a huge fail for me. I mean HUGE! In my mind I equate this with a horrible sin and forgiveness for sins of this magnitude doesn't come overnight if ever. Along with that I'm all of a sudden very afraid.
Dee, you say this is a wrong move, a stumble....but what if it's not? I never thought this would happen. This obsession came out of nowhere....I mean it began out of nowhere and yes, I then nursed it along. It took me by surprise because up until last week drinking was completely off the table for me. I did NOT see this coming which brings me to my fear that if it happened this time it will happen again which means I will be in constant fail mode. I'm rambling I know, but all this is going round my head and y'all are it for me.
One more thing....I shouldn't have brought my partner into this post. He has nothing to do with my sobriety, never has, and i know that so any comment he makes is moot. All I can say regarding him is that I wasnt a very good example of living sober and I blew that 'testimony' which eats at my conscience because he needs help, whether he admits it or not, and I just blew it. I feel like I've got another soul on my hands that I'm responsible for and when he dies from an overdose (he does copious amounts of coke) it will be on me just like my sister.
Again...sorry for the ramble but it's been a really long time since I started a thread and I might as well make good use of it.
Perfection rules my life and always has and I think I'm just now realizing the negative side of that. I punish myself mercilessly for mistakes just like I punish my body daily with extremely rigid diet rules and ridiculous amounts of exercise (except for the occasional caramel cone ice cream
). I know a lot of us grew up in alcoholic, chaos-filled homes and I've always been reluctant to admit that it had any real affect on me, but I know I coped by being an over achiever in everything I did and being super organized and perfect at home in hopes of escaping my parents erratic moods. I demand perfection from myself and any variance causes a lot of guilt and awful negative self talk.I say all that because this is a huge fail for me. I mean HUGE! In my mind I equate this with a horrible sin and forgiveness for sins of this magnitude doesn't come overnight if ever. Along with that I'm all of a sudden very afraid.
Dee, you say this is a wrong move, a stumble....but what if it's not? I never thought this would happen. This obsession came out of nowhere....I mean it began out of nowhere and yes, I then nursed it along. It took me by surprise because up until last week drinking was completely off the table for me. I did NOT see this coming which brings me to my fear that if it happened this time it will happen again which means I will be in constant fail mode. I'm rambling I know, but all this is going round my head and y'all are it for me.
One more thing....I shouldn't have brought my partner into this post. He has nothing to do with my sobriety, never has, and i know that so any comment he makes is moot. All I can say regarding him is that I wasnt a very good example of living sober and I blew that 'testimony' which eats at my conscience because he needs help, whether he admits it or not, and I just blew it. I feel like I've got another soul on my hands that I'm responsible for and when he dies from an overdose (he does copious amounts of coke) it will be on me just like my sister.
Again...sorry for the ramble but it's been a really long time since I started a thread and I might as well make good use of it.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Hi Brynn, I can relate to your background so much. I lost my mother to suicide/drug overdose. She was alcoholic. I'm very sorry for your losses.
Don't let this sit too heavy in your heart and mind right now. I know it does, that's obvious from your posts. But please don't be too hard on yourself. Perfectionism holds us back. We will always fall short in some way, and so in sobriety, I've found it is absolutely imperative for me to begin to accept my flaws and shortcomings.
I hope you do find your "second wind" and pick back up where you left off. Six months means you can do this You already know that, I'm sure
So... dust off, pick yourself up, and let's do this
Don't let this sit too heavy in your heart and mind right now. I know it does, that's obvious from your posts. But please don't be too hard on yourself. Perfectionism holds us back. We will always fall short in some way, and so in sobriety, I've found it is absolutely imperative for me to begin to accept my flaws and shortcomings.
I hope you do find your "second wind" and pick back up where you left off. Six months means you can do this
You already know that, I'm sure So... dust off, pick yourself up, and let's do this
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Brynn, derail the thoughts. You said this came out of nowhere but if you look very carefully I think you will see that it didn't. It crept insidiously out of someplace. Then you said you nursed it along. So it tapped you on the shoulder and you picked it up and ran with it.
You will not be in constant fail mode unless you choose to be. You will identify where it came from and what to do next. It's a learning experience. I had 10.5 months before I relapsed my first go 'round. In retrospect I saw where it came from and how I let it happen, a couple of months before I ever chose to drink. Be kind to yourself today. Get some rest and think about it when you aren't throttling yourself.
You will not be in constant fail mode unless you choose to be. You will identify where it came from and what to do next. It's a learning experience. I had 10.5 months before I relapsed my first go 'round. In retrospect I saw where it came from and how I let it happen, a couple of months before I ever chose to drink. Be kind to yourself today. Get some rest and think about it when you aren't throttling yourself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,424
Dee, you say this is a wrong move, a stumble....but what if it's not?
You can absolutely make this a blip and not a disaster - it will mean some work, but I figure you've never been workshy.
Perfectionism has it place but if it's leading to self destruction it's probably best to abdicate from ruling the universe
some things in life are hard - damned hard - and it's perfectly ok to scrape by - as long as you end up on the right side of the line.
Sometimes my recovery has been ungainly, but I made it.
You can too
D
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
I am so sorry to hear this happened, Brynn. Many people have mentioned experienced relapses around anniversaries (3, 6, 9, 12 and 18 months). For myself, I think there is an element of feeling that I don't deserve success and self-sabotage my efforts, or that if I succeed, people will see that my success is not great or perfect. Sabotaging my efforts allows me to stay safely tucked away in my familiar world and never be judged - especially by me. I really have to stay conscious to whether I am trying to purposely defeat my own efforts.
I am not sure if any of that applies, but it is something I have had to focus on. I am glad you are back and you can do this!!
I am not sure if any of that applies, but it is something I have had to focus on. I am glad you are back and you can do this!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
I also am pretty perfectionist, and I understand the tendency to "obsess" about this having happened, and maybe happening again.
All I can tell you is that I went ahead and intensely focused on that fear and doubt for about five minutes a day,
just really felt it, and then after that I chose to replace those feelings with positive ones of staying sober,
making better choices, and realizing I was only slave to my obsessions, and my drinking, if I chose to be.
As time passes, the need to focus on the obsession has dwindled, and my strength and confidence in sobriety and peace grows.
Like a tiny plant, tend it and give it sun and it will grow.
By the way, you can't "role model" an addict to sobriety if they don't want to go there.
You take too much credit and responsibility to think you can.
It most likely comes from trying to fix the past, but "helping him" when he doesn't care to help himself is something I strongly suggest you put down--
that's too much weight to keep carrying.
All I can tell you is that I went ahead and intensely focused on that fear and doubt for about five minutes a day,
just really felt it, and then after that I chose to replace those feelings with positive ones of staying sober,
making better choices, and realizing I was only slave to my obsessions, and my drinking, if I chose to be.
As time passes, the need to focus on the obsession has dwindled, and my strength and confidence in sobriety and peace grows.
Like a tiny plant, tend it and give it sun and it will grow.
By the way, you can't "role model" an addict to sobriety if they don't want to go there.
You take too much credit and responsibility to think you can.
It most likely comes from trying to fix the past, but "helping him" when he doesn't care to help himself is something I strongly suggest you put down--
that's too much weight to keep carrying.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by brynn
I say all that because this is a huge fail for me. I mean HUGE! In my mind I equate this with a horrible sin and forgiveness for sins of this magnitude doesn't come overnight if ever. Along with that I'm all of a sudden very afraid.
Ironically, having a drink is not about being in recovery. Having a drink is about being active in addiction. I know many see times of drinking to be part of the recovery process. I do not subscribe to such a philosophy. Recovery and addiction are not bed-fellows, if you will.
So you drank. This simply means your addiction ruled you, owned you, and you accepted that situation, and so of course you drank. In the drinking, you again realize abstinence is the only intelligent and loving way forward.
Please give yourself a well-needed break. Don't continue to berate yourself. Yes, be responsible. Of course. Nonetheless, don't dismantle your recovery to the point of dealing with raw and irrational fears. I understand your panic. I haven't forgotten where I've come from. I still remember just how devastating a drink can be to any of us.
(((Brynn)))Please find a way forward asap to reposition your positivity and perspective, my dear friend.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Brynn, I'm glad you're posting. So much of what you are going through is relevant and rings true here. From the senseless self-harm to the co-dep but deep connection we have with our partners. I too feel like I am mostly responsible for our shared relapse and that in itself is flawed but I cannot shake it. Today is national-save-your-own-ass-day as far as the drink goes with me. I've slept on others' couches before to stay sober and will do it again. I still feel kinda puny having been exactly where you said--on top of the world..and then...KPOW! I'm sure there were some lead-in red flags and time will give some clues but for now, just not drinking no matter what is all I got. It's enough. Glad you are here--even if a little dis-jointed for the moment.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
I'm sorry to hear about your relapse Brynn.
The good thing is you've figured out something you need to work on. Similar to you , I am very similar in terms of the perfectionism with overachieving, the exercise, diet, etc. However, the perfectionism has been something I have had to work on since the thoughts would just provide fuel for my AV. You need to forgive yourself and keep focusing on what you're doing now for your recovery. Also, you need to realize the relapse is done. You can't change it. Beating yourself up for the relapse is self-defeating at this point.
If you see your thoughts going down that path with the self-criticism and ripping yourself to shreds/or any negativity, interrupt them. I will mentally put in the word, "stop" until I stop thinking about them. Also, when my thoughts start going down that path, I make myself do gratitude lists and listing aspects about myself I like.
Keep on remembering the AV wants you to stay where you're at and think it's all for naught. It isn't. You may have fallen off the bike, but you can get right back on and continue your journey.
The good thing is you've figured out something you need to work on. Similar to you , I am very similar in terms of the perfectionism with overachieving, the exercise, diet, etc. However, the perfectionism has been something I have had to work on since the thoughts would just provide fuel for my AV. You need to forgive yourself and keep focusing on what you're doing now for your recovery. Also, you need to realize the relapse is done. You can't change it. Beating yourself up for the relapse is self-defeating at this point.
If you see your thoughts going down that path with the self-criticism and ripping yourself to shreds/or any negativity, interrupt them. I will mentally put in the word, "stop" until I stop thinking about them. Also, when my thoughts start going down that path, I make myself do gratitude lists and listing aspects about myself I like.
Keep on remembering the AV wants you to stay where you're at and think it's all for naught. It isn't. You may have fallen off the bike, but you can get right back on and continue your journey.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
I did NOT see this coming which brings me to my fear that if it happened this time it will happen again which means I will be in constant fail mode.
brynn,
my own thoughts are , regarding myself, not that it will happen again , just that it could. it's possible.
it "happened" a gazillion times, so it would be foolish to say it never will again.
but that doesn't mean i live in constant fail mode. far from it.
the opposite, in fact.
constant fear mode is simply destructive.
for me, that paralyzes instead of motivates for change.
you sound overwhelmed right now. shocked.
there's tons of opportunity here for you to work out the way forward for you.
and i love the gold-mending pottery!
and there's also wabi-sabi. google it.
you can get through this.
brynn,
my own thoughts are , regarding myself, not that it will happen again , just that it could. it's possible.
it "happened" a gazillion times, so it would be foolish to say it never will again.
but that doesn't mean i live in constant fail mode. far from it.
the opposite, in fact.
constant fear mode is simply destructive.
for me, that paralyzes instead of motivates for change.
you sound overwhelmed right now. shocked.
there's tons of opportunity here for you to work out the way forward for you.
and i love the gold-mending pottery!
and there's also wabi-sabi. google it.
you can get through this.
...holds the key
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
I'm reading and re-reading every one of your posts and view them as a sort of life line right now. Thank you.
Y'all are right.....I'm entertaining a lot of irrational fears and letting myself get caught up in the what ifs and that's not doing anything but keeping me paralyzed and unsure. I haven't come this far to succumb to such nonsense and that's exactly what it is.
This doesn't mean I lower my standards as far as drinking goes. I can't drink. Period. Like Robby said....drinking is not part of recovery. That part of my thinking must remain black and white. That part has to be perfect. But I think I can cut myself a little slack and realize that sometimes being sober requires some scratching and clawing to maintain and it isn't always pretty, but it's still okay.
And actually, taking all this Xanax that I scored from a friend isn't part of recovery either....at least not part of my recovery, because I know better and I know where pills have led me in the past.
The truth is that the past 6 months have been pretty awesome, in spite of some pretty big trials (and possibly because of those trials) and I have learned to live deliberately and in the moment. I've never really lacked self-esteem and have always been fairly confident (except for the last few years of my drinking) but the past 6 months have allowed me to become even more confident and at ease with who I really am and I think I can continue to build on that.
I'm surrounded by people who think I've been brainwashed by this community and that all these ideas about abstinence are fanatical () and you know, I say if keeping yourself alive is fanatical then so be it. I'm all in!
Xoxo
BTW....I'll join you anatta for save-your-own-ass day.
Y'all are right.....I'm entertaining a lot of irrational fears and letting myself get caught up in the what ifs and that's not doing anything but keeping me paralyzed and unsure. I haven't come this far to succumb to such nonsense and that's exactly what it is.
This doesn't mean I lower my standards as far as drinking goes. I can't drink. Period. Like Robby said....drinking is not part of recovery. That part of my thinking must remain black and white. That part has to be perfect. But I think I can cut myself a little slack and realize that sometimes being sober requires some scratching and clawing to maintain and it isn't always pretty, but it's still okay.
And actually, taking all this Xanax that I scored from a friend isn't part of recovery either....at least not part of my recovery, because I know better and I know where pills have led me in the past.
The truth is that the past 6 months have been pretty awesome, in spite of some pretty big trials (and possibly because of those trials) and I have learned to live deliberately and in the moment. I've never really lacked self-esteem and have always been fairly confident (except for the last few years of my drinking) but the past 6 months have allowed me to become even more confident and at ease with who I really am and I think I can continue to build on that.
I'm surrounded by people who think I've been brainwashed by this community and that all these ideas about abstinence are fanatical (
) and you know, I say if keeping yourself alive is fanatical then so be it. I'm all in! Xoxo
BTW....I'll join you anatta for save-your-own-ass day.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Look at that, the key wasn't lost must've been in your pocket. Maybe keep it handier say around your neck on a nice chain.
The posters to this thread have given some awesome advice, perspective and I am sure you will mine it for all its worth .
SR has brainwashed me in the sense that I was able to take some advice, experience perspective from all over and then shampoo the heck out of my grey matter and kick it into a better gear. Great resource that, the "community". Remember the key and don't hide it on yourself, keep it handy. Coz , you know, you got this
The posters to this thread have given some awesome advice, perspective and I am sure you will mine it for all its worth .
SR has brainwashed me in the sense that I was able to take some advice, experience perspective from all over and then shampoo the heck out of my grey matter and kick it into a better gear. Great resource that, the "community". Remember the key and don't hide it on yourself, keep it handy. Coz , you know, you got this
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: northern AZ
Posts: 796
Brynn... reading that last paragraph brought to mind "people, places and things"... you know.... they can be a good thing or not so good for our health and well being. But, outside influences only affect us when we internalize them. In the end, its still all about us and what we choose. That's what our lives are: a series of choices.
...holds the key
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
Originally Posted by Turtle82
Brynn... reading that last paragraph brought to mind "people, places and things"... you know.... they can be a good thing or not so good for our health and well being. But, outside influences only affect us when we internalize them. In the end, its still all about us and what we choose. That's what our lives are: a series of choices.
Quitting drinking allowed me to begin making Choices and allowed me the freedom to live deliberately instead of just being lost in an inebriated daze playing defense all the time (or not playing at all).
It's taken some time to learn how to do those things and I'm still learning, but I'll never get good at deliberate living if I'm deliberately pouring booze down my throat! I also know that I can't live deliberately and not be true to myself. When I'm drinking, I'm cheating myself and I'm living a way I know to be wrong and immoral for me. It's a constant internal conflict that I never want to have again.
dwtbd.....I 'don't want to be drunk' anymore either, my friend! Thanks for reminding me that I do hold the key and I might need to keep it a little more visible to myself. Thanks for the encouragement and awesome insight, as usual!
So, I've recommitted to my Big Plan. I want to be true to myself and brynn sans alcohol is the real brynn! Yay!
Xoxo
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Brynn, so good to hear you're done with alcohol! Your enthusiasm is amazing! Quitting drinking is itself a huge change and so please always know just how important is that initial single choice. It really is the gatekeeper to all the opportunities which will open up and become doable by going sans alcohol.
I'm proud of you (((brynn)))
I'm proud of you (((brynn)))
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