sleepie

I realized tonight when yet again my boyfriend had an excuse to avoid talking about something, this is a HUGE trigger for me. Also when he dismisses my concerns and gets impatient as in "don't bother me with this crap"- that kind of attitude. He really, really has avoidance honed to a high art.
All growing up, not one single time was I reassured, comforted or acknowledged- when I was worried about something, sad or upset- it was met with "What the f*** do you want NOW???" from my sh***y parents who did zero parenting and plenty of abusing. Like a dummy, it never occurred to me that emotional abuse was a thing until much later in life.

Now I see that when my BF does the same kinds of things, even in a much less harsh manner I immediately want to drink.

There is a huge void in my life where I never got things that are absolutely critical to being a sane and functioning human being- while it was of utmost importance to get them.

Now that time is gone forever and nothing can ever make it right.

I think I'm f***ed.

QuietToday

Feelings like this aren't limited to drinking. The same lack of teaching from parents can result in feelings of anger, sadness, suicide, or substance abuse. It really doesn't matter which, because all of these things are reactionary and vague.

It is hard. It's extremely trying to meet a moment in adult life which is seemingly common and yet you still have no comprehension with how to deal with it.

But you can. And, in my opinion, it's something to be almost thankful for as an adult. You don't know what to do--- and this is kind of nice! Get creative; flex those mental muscles! Too often have I found myself automatically reacting to things in regards to the way I was taught that I often wonder if how I'm reacting is actually genuine or not.

It's important to recognize your independence within your every action. Accept the lack of knowledge, and fill it not with depravity, but with earnest and fulfilling efforts!

searching peace

Try researching anxious attachment disorder. It will help you understand where you are and why you chose this BF. Also you may want to read about emotional abuse. And codependency. IMHO, I think these topics will help you. No one deserves to be treated like they are nothing and dismissed so easily.

RobbyRobot

Well, I seriously don't think you're lost, my friend.

Hey, I'm not just playing nice here either, okay? I do think you're too quick to judge your present circumstances against the background of your past though, with all respect.

You know, you have a keen sense of situational awareness. What I mean is, you have good ability to see what puzzle piece is missing, and this is something I'm not sure you actually use as a tool? I would like to suggest you give yourself more credit for being who you are today sleepie. Yes, your past can not be simply explained away, boxed up, set aside, moved out of the way. I hear you. Nonetheless, I hate to see you settle your future opportunities based on your past experiences with a lousy childhood, lousy life, and lousy everything else.

I haven't been where you have been, my friend. And yet, I've been to enough places of hatred against me, my hatred against others, and finally my own self-hate to know I'm more than what hatred has defined me. And so are YOU!

Seriously. I suggest you take a real open-minded review of your ability to be situationally aware of yourself. There is real opportunity there to leverage your past experiences into absolutely improved present and future opportunities.

You're anything but screwed. You have a wealth of experiential knowledge. Please take as many needed present real-time moments as required and re-think your above claim of being ****** for life.

sleepie

I'll try. I'll have to look into situational awareness. not sure how to utilize that.
thanks people for your replies.

Lenina

Sleepie, in my case, I tended to find the familiar, if ugly, patterns. My parents weren't supportive, stepfather was hateful verbally, I was often abandoned, yes, it was awful. But it was what I knew so I clung to it. And the misery because it was I knew too.

I had years of therapy and finally I got better. I realized my fear of abandonment, even though I was being abandoned by someone I didn't even want was so great, I hung on! Doesn't make sense does it? LOL. It didn't to me either.

Lucky for me I did have an outlet in my work and I could get consumed in it. You deserve better.

You might go to the library and check out Sondra Day. She wrote some pop psychology stuff that was helpful to me.

Love from Lenina

zjw

I'm going to tell you the future if you remain sober. Things change. Your outlook changes and you learn new skills to handle situations like that. People like your boyfriend either come along for your ride or they do not. Your charging forward in the best direction there is for You and Your life. At some point I doubt you'll wanna tolerate emotional or any other sort of abuse from anyone. It wont be a trigger any longer but more or less you'll think yeah i dont have time for this game next.

I get what your saying tho. emotional abuse is very real. I knwo from my childhood I also lack a LOT of knowledge on say how to be a normal father and not beat and abuse your kids. Or how to keep a normal functioning family. Or how to intereact with others. Or not everytime is someone going to just walk out the door just cause there mad at you etc.. the list goes on and on.

as a result of my upbringing and who i am I need like constant positive reinforcement to keep my chin up. Even if those giving it think its insane i should need so much its what i need to keep me from running back to a bottle or something.

Point is who in your life tells ya your doing good etc... gives you the positive reinforcement? Doesnt brush you off? That person(s) are the ones you gotta hone in on as you get more steady on your feet. Your boyfriend treating you like this drains ya people who give you positive support and so on feed ya.

zjw

My step father gave me the horrible fear that everytime i screw up the reprocussions are going to be terrible for someone might scream and beat the snot out of me over the littlest things. As a result I fear every thing at every turn. and like you I even fear people walken out / abandonment and its like why? when he left it was the best hting that coulda ever happened to me!

zjw

other thing too is along the way in life various situations end up reminding you of your parents and upbringing. I know for me my kids will do something and i'll flashback to when i made the same mistake and the beating that i got for it etc.. and in that moment i go numb its hard for me to do anything let alone the right thing.

it gets better tho I take these memories and push throught he rememberence aspect and tell myself that i'm not going to handle it like they did I'm going to do it the proper way etc.. and I move forward.

sleepie

My boyfriend's not abusive guys, he is just extremely uptight. He does not talk about things. He just does not. And he also does not know how to be emotionally supportive. He knows how to get his wallet out and pay for things. That's it. That's his answer to things. To all things. He is very immature emotionally, I cannot fathom why. He has a wonderful family and has so many advantages. I got a big speech once from him on how he's an introvert. Also his big excuse for things is that he's a programmer and that's just how he is. Okay so relying on stupid stereotypes based on one's profession really doesn't cut it with me.

ScottFromWI

Everyone has their shorcomings. Sometimes they can be changed and sometimes they cannot. For any relationship to survive, each side has to compromise and work together to work on these types of issues, and some acceptance is also necessary.

Soberpotamus

Sleepie, maybe it's time to finally parent yourself?

I know for years, though I was quite independent and introverted, I still sought some sort of approval or at the very least, validation, from those around me. If someone had a problem with me, there was a problem, lol I mean, I was perfectly rational, brilliant, and sane. Ha! I come from a dysfunctional background rife with addiction. So I never quite got good validation. My validation came in the form of acceptance and approval based on my performance and talents. It wasn't really unconditional love, though they claimed to "love" me.

This pattern, of course, repeated itself with boyfriends, friends, employers, colleagues, etc.

When I got sober, I kind of emotionally shut out everyone and learned to listen to myself. Truly listen to what I thought and felt. I went inward. When everyone yelled: "Don't isolate!" I still went inward, cause, guess what? I needed that. I needed to learn to accept and love myself. And to then learn how to take care of me, even if no one around me cared. I am fortunate to have a husband who cares, though he has his shortcomings But there were days when I knew he had no clue what I was experiencing and he still doesn't. There are days he doesn't want to hear WTF is going on with me, cause life is hard enough for him at that particular moment.

And part of learning to parent myself was when I realized I don't have to be anything for anyone, including my husband. I can just be me, and I can be weak that day if that is what I am. Next day, I can be strong again. I can change my mind and I don't have to justify that to anyone.

So, when my husband doesn't or can't listen to me, I am still listening to me I can tell him I need a break away from him to have some down time to recharge. I can even tell him to cook for himself. Lol.

Just wanted to share a slice of my life with you, as I can relate to your introversion, and my husband is an introvert kind of like your boyfriend.

sleepie

I feel like I've been parenting myself since I was born.

Soberpotamus

Yeah, same here in a sense. I knew those around me weren't to be trusted, based on the inconsistencies and chaos I saw. I know what you mean. I was older before I should have been.

searching peace

Sleepie,
What you are not seeming to understand is that you already have huge skills that most people don't. You are self aware and you are able to see and know the origin of where your lack of coping skills comes from. Do you know how many people never get that? Or how many hours and countless amount of money to takes some therapist to reach this point with some people. Celebrate your wonderful insight and the positive qualities that you do have. You are smart and I'm sure you can figure out how to Achebe the skills you need for your life. I promise you are so much further ahead than you realize! Treat yourself with the kindness and love you deserve.

greens

Yes, emotional abuse is very real and it is also very under recognized in our society until recently. That is probably why you didnt realize it existed.

zjw

yeah emotional abuse i think can be just as bad if not worse then physical abuse. I got beat but I also got told i was fat a glutton a lazy S*** kid etc.. all while being punched in the face at the same time. I'm not sure whats worse getting wacked or being told things like that. I think the words sting a long longer tho then the fists.

sleepie

Part of this is my boyfriend is a bit arrogant. He really thinks he's an island who doesn't need other people. Before we met he spent all day in his apartment, working or doing his hobby. Even now he hates to leave a 5 block radius of where he resides. He has had a very stable life, lived in the same place for years, never lacked for basic things, for several years has made plenty of money. Nothing has ever changed in his life ever and he has never tried for anything, just always done as much as he wants and no more and does well for himself that way.
He's never had to do anything, he's only done what he wants.

sleepie

Any way I've been upset since yet another conversation that was important to me was avoided. And now I am leaving for a week, so this will all conveniently fade out and never have to be dealt with again as far as he's concerned. I didn't sleep well and am panicky today, having a hard time taking a full breath and extremely tired. Very tired from nervous tics as well, they get worse when I am stressed.

zjw

from what your saying it sounds like he could never understand then because he's never had too for himself etc.. Kinda stinks for you I'd have to say try and understand that he doesnt understand? not exactly an answer but it might be just how it is.

i know a few people over the years where everything has pretty much just always gone there way lifes always just gone well and been free of any big problems. I envy those but I cant help but wonder whats around the corner for them or how well they would cope with any tough issues.

I've heard it said we are never given more then we can handle. So I guess I can just handle more then some not exactly the prize i wanted but ok whatever.

I can better understand what you talking abotu with him knowing he's a programmer and has some arrogance issue and says he's an introvert etc.. I know a few like this. I'm also a programmer and hang around some of these types of folks. Heck what you describe reminds me a lot of a few of my friends and I have not always agreed with how theyhandle there relationships for the very reasons that bother you as well

hang in there!