Soberintexas007

Ok, so I have currently relapsed on Day 5 and am now on my 6th beer of Michelob Ultra Light Beer. What was the trigger? MAJOR FAMILY ISSUES that I just could not cope with, I'm sorry, as I feel that I have let so many people down. I have never shared this on SR but would like to share it now. I am transgender, and I transitioned from male to female at the age of 27 and am currently 35 and have already had sexual reassignment surgery. I feel rejected by my nieces for being "weird," I just have a difficult time adjusting to everything. And for those who believe I should have posted this before I drank, I did not now want to or else I would have. I just hope that this light beer drinking will not interrupt my weight loss goals, as I have not eaten anything today but plan on having ribs later. And hopefully will be able to stay away from my husband's weed, as that just causes me to eat voraciously.

janiebluebird

It must be difficult to feel uncomfortable with yourself and who you are because it seems as though others don't understand. The truth may be just that: they do not understand. It sounds like you are still in their life, though. It is up to you to show them that you are the same person, and that may take a lot of you being the bigger person. Drinking to eliminate your anxiety surrounding the issues is only going to leave you even more dependent on drinking to deal with it - and you know that is not going to fix anything. Its going to make things a lot worse, if anything. People are always going to have their opinions about things and look for things to gossip about. What you need to worry about is taking care of yourself and putting your best foot forward. People are becoming more aware of the transgender community - I myself watched the show on amazon "Transparent" and it won a lot of awards. Just don't destroy yourself with alcohol because of other people's opinions. Lastly, when I find myself getting upset over the thoughts/opinions of others, I like to remind myself of this quote: When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.

greens

Thank you for posting this . I m sorry you feel rejected by your family for being trans* but I think you are very brave,
Alas, I think family issues are a huge trigger for a lot of people, they definitely are for me.
what has worked In the past for you in regards to sobriety? Do you have a counselor or any sort of a plan in place for when these triggers happen?
I think eating something later sounds like a good plan for tonight eating regularly for me (even small meals)is really important for my mood . Have you ever heard of H.A.L.T.
don't get too hungry, angry , lonely or tired? Its a helpful reminder for me sometimes. In early sobriety I didn't want to eat either , ito been interesting for me to see how maNY woman with addiction issues also don't want to eat or drastically MInimize calories especially In early recovery,
anywzys, just trying to share my own eXperience , hope something helped. Thank you for posting

fini

major family stress is a bummer, of course. whether you're straight, LGBTQ or not, we need tools for that. i get that you're experiencing extra rejection; i'm part of the LGBTQ "community" and also have a transgender niece. both she and i have had to deal with plenty crap thrown our way.
wanting acceptance and belonging are biggies, no doubt about it.
many so-called "reasons" one family rejects one "member".
you are in CA, and i imagine there are support groups for transgender people dealing with family/lack of support/alcohol and drugs/bullying.

what disturbs me, though, more is that you seem more concerned about weight-gain than the fact you're drinking?

in any case, how do you see yourself getting out of the relapse and moving forward?

Soberintexas007

Thank you for your posts. I just don't know what to say. I feel well right now, but only because I am buzzed from the beer and wine. I have an addiction counselor, but she also seems to be at a loss for words. We did state in my session today that our Plan B will be a 30 day rehab. I guess the positive in this is that I did have 5 days, but I really wanted to drink after today. I think, though, that things will get better. I am petrified of drinking and driving, I still have 15 of not gambling, so I guess I am just a work in progress.

Soberintexas007

Yes, I think I am more concerned about weight gain than relapse at this point, that is just how it is for me. Not sure where this relapse will take me. I read on Dee's post a couple days back that we are allowed to post when drinking, so that was helpful, or else I would have been afraid to post. I think I am just going to listen to some music right now.

ScottFromWI

Thanks for sharing your story JustBreathe. I think it's good that you are talking with your counselor, and if rehab is possible I'd certainly consider it. No matter what problems or stresses we have in our life, drinking is not a solution. We need to find healthy ways to deal with them.

If you can switch to water and stay away from the weed things will be a lot easier to deal with tomorrow too.

Pipping

Just sending you a hug JB (( JB))

sleepie

Hello, I have known several people over the years who transitioned. I know it is a long and difficult process and takes a lot of work. Please don't drink all that away, you deserve better. I am sure you are a wonderful person, I hope your family will treat you better.

Weaver

In my experience, there will always be a " reason" to drink. Always.
The trick is figuring out a way to NOT let outside influence allow you to succumb to drinking, cause they will always be there. They are for all alcoholics.

You say you're on your 6th? How about pour the rest out (hard to do I know) take a shower and go to bed? Trust me... People used to tell me "just get rid of the rest of your stash , get it out of sight" sometimes I did; sometimes I did not. But you should. Come back well rested, somewhat refreshed and hopefully not to* hungover tomorrow. Devise a new plan? Allow NO excuses.

What can you do differently next time to not allow this to happen and not be tempted to drink?

Soberwolf

What is your current plan bud

Ken33xx

There it is.

SoberCAH

Glad you are here, Justbreathe.

Thanks for sharing the things that are troubling you today.

Chances are, a year from now it will be something else.

I wish you the best with your journey and, more importantly, with your efforts to get and stay sober.

I would move the 30 day rehab up to plan A (if it's not there already).

We love you, amigo.

Please hang around and keep us posted.

Soberintexas007

Thank you all for your posts. My mother--in-law just visited, and we all had a nice time, so that is good. Just want to rest for the rest of the night, but I also wanted to check-in.

Pipping

I don't know how old your nieces are JB but mine are in their early teens and some girls that age can be a bit catty and judgemental. I'm glad you are feeling better. Stay strong. Xx

Soberintexas007

They are 7 and 9, and it was the 9 year old who in her own way excluded me from playing a game. But I am over this now. Her mother (my sister) always defends them and says I take things too personally. This still was not a good reason to pick up the drink, and I know that. But there was more to this story that bothered me that I just don't feel like writing about. What have I learned from this? Well, I am not going to put so many expectations into my nieces and how I want them to treat me.

It is all over now, and at least everything is resolved. Yes, it sucks that I lost my 5 days. And to be honest with you all now, I also chose to drink some beer and wine today, so we will just see when my new Day 1 will begin.

Why do people go to rehab? My therapist told me it is because they are able to get away from all of the stress of everyday life. Before I go into "formal" rehab, I am going to try and create my own "rehab" in my own life, and it may mean keeping a safe distance from my sister and her daughters, which at the time seem to always create stress in my life.

I know so many of you want me to make it and hopefully it will happen soon. My mother-in-law told my husband today that I am the best, so that was good to hear.

It's funny because I remember another poster saying the other day that someone with a few days of sobriety is the same as someone with many years. Gosh how I wish that was true!!! Unfortunately, it is not.

And I guess the other silver lining in all of this is that my gambling sobriety is going so smoothly. No bets placed in the past two weeks, and I have had no strong urges or cravings. Now alcohol is my only true enemy to deal with.

And I know that some of you may think that I put so much emphasis on weight gain. I just hate how alcohol and weed cause me to want to eat and then gain weight. Part of my recovery is feeling good about myself. And if I can't fit into my jeans for work one day, that will really depress me.

I just want all of this to work out for me. I don't smoke cigarettes anymore, I have given up caffeine, the only thing right now that can get in my way is alcohol. I had 3 years of sobriety from alcohol about ten years ago and gave it up because I was feeling lonely and ended up going on a date with a guy and having a drink.

Weaver

Hey man. Glad you had a good time with the family.

"See when my Day 1 will begin"

What does that mean exactly? Are you not ready to quit? You csn quit any time. What is holding you back?

greens

I like your plan about creating your own "rehab" . Plus it's nice to hear your positive attitude about gambling - just bc we slip one place doesn't mean we have to slip everywhere

Hawkeye13

Hi JB--I am sorry you are dealing with the relapse, but that's fantastic you are doing so well with the gambling--you can do this.

I think it's a great idea to have a "rehab mindset" but will that be possible if you are living with someone who continues to drink and smoke week frequently?

I know you handled your sobriety before with your husband doing this, but this might be one reason to go to a formal rehab situation--to get a firm grasp back on your sobriety without daily temptations.

Only you know how much you can take, but please give yourself every chance.