JohnTrey

Hi all,

New to the site and not sure where to turn. I have an alcohol problem but I am not an addict - i am not dependent on alcohol itself but i am susceptible to losing control once I start drinking and then I will do all sorts of things that can, and ultimately will, completely ruin my life.

At the moment, I have a very happy life - great partner, good job, perfectly healthy but once I have had a drink I put all of this is serious jeopardy. Because alcohol is such a large part of my culture and the culture of those around me it is very difficult to stop - almost impossible.

Each time I try to stop drinking, I know that it is not permanent and I have only lasted three weeks at the most before I find myself in the pub on a 16 hour bender where I have had 15-20 pints and I can't remember what I have done - but people will tell me and I will feel sick, remorseful and am stuck with immense feelings of shame and guilt as I realise the ramifications of my actions.

Despite this I will constantly find myself back at the bottle. I have read books, sought counselling and I currently have the offer of medication, although i am not confident this is the answer.

Has anyone ever experienced this? I am not an alcoholic but I know I need to stop. However after a few weeks (maximum) I convince myself I will be ok but I never am and I find myself in this rot time after time after time.

Amongst the aforementioned feelings of guilt, I contemplate suicide because of how much I know I might hurt/embarrass those around me that I care for immensely. The thought of upsetting these people then convinces me to never take the thought of suicide too seriously. I am concerned that if I continue to alienate these people with my drinking my mindset towards taking my own life may change. It strikes me as idiotic, as I write this, that I will ever drink again, but I know I invariably will.

Any help or advice would be indescribably appreciated.

John

GracieLou

Hi JohnTrey and Welcome to SR! It is good that you see you have an issue with alcohol and are reaching out for help, many people do not until they lose everything and sometimes, not even then.

I understand completely. I had the exact same problem. Once I put alcohol in me the craving for more starts and I cannot control how much I drank or what I did. I do not have an off button. I am not a social drinker, I just used to drink in social situations, like in bars.

When I was not drinking, I thought about drinking. I had a mental obsession.

The craving and the mental obsession, for me, defines alcoholism, I am an alcoholic and the only way I can live my life without destroying myself and my life in the process is to not drink. I live a sober life.

You have to decide for yourself if you feel you are an alcoholic. If you think you are or are maybe just trying to find out then this site has a lot of information, support and there are many recovery options, I personally attend AA meetings and work the AA program.

Glad you are here!

dwtbd

welcome to the forums JT , there is a lot and support and advice to found here.

I found Rational Recovery and their AVRT to be extremely helpful in ending my addicition to alcohol , there are some really great threads explaining it in the Secular Connections forum here on SR, I highly recommend looking at them.

At first read you seem to place importance on not being dependent on alcohol, I assume by that you mean that you do not suffer withdrawal symptoms at the end of a drinking session and or when your blood alcohol level returns to 'normal'? Obviously if that is the case , that is a good thing, and hope that it is true. But why do you think , or not identify , that you are addicted to drinking? Addiction being a state in which you do something against your own better judgement.
You also say that you can stop drinking for weeks at a time, but that given the 'culture' you find yourself, stopping is difficult. is stopping difficult? or is not 'not' starting again where you find the difficulty? Again my first impression of your post, it may seem only a slight change of perspective, but it really is the gist of the 'thing'. Staying 'stopped'.
wish you well and hope to see you around

least

Welcome to the family. It is possible to get and stay sober and live a rewarding healthy life. I did. I got sober over five years ago and don't miss drinking one bit. If I did it, so can you. I hope the support here can help you get sober for good.

doggonecarl

I don't know what you think an alcoholic/alcohol addict is, but you can't stop drinking, even though you desire to. That sounds like addiction to me. Maybe if you accepted it, you would be willing to seek and apply the solutions that work.

ScottFromWI

Welcome John. I'm with Carl on this one - Alcohol problem+Cannot Stop+Drinking when you dont want to = Alcoholism. You don't have to call it that if you dont' want to, but if you can't stop drinking you have an addiction.

The good news is that we all have it too..but we've found ways to live without drinking and live better as a result. If you are interested in stopping please join us and read lots/ask lots of questions. We get it and we want to help.

LBrain

My first advice is to make an appointment with a mental health professional - counselor before psychiatrist kinda thing.

Make a copy of your post and present to that person.

Secondly, regardless of what you think you may or may not be, alcohol is definitely a problem for you. The only solution is to quit drinking. It seems you are having a tough time quitting. This is a sure sign of someone who needs to quit. If you don't want to use the 'A' word that's up to you.

Please see a professional. There is wellbutrin or however it is spelled or other 'medicines' (naltrexone) to help you control your drinking. Just a couple nontraditional options.

JohnTrey

Thank you all for your responses - I didn't expect to hear so much so soon.

For those of you who can empathise with my situation, how did you stop drinking?

What do I do in social situations where all my friends are drinking? I have a mindset where, "if I am not drinking, what's the point?" There are social events upcoming for me where I can't imagine not having alcohol; holidays, birthdays and sporting events to name a few. I need to correct this mindset - immediately and permanently. I know I will struggle to do this, I am almost resigned to failure already, to be perfectly honest.

Venecia

Welcome to SR, John. Glad to have you here.

How did we quit? You'll get varying answers. The common denominator, I'd say, is recognizing that alcohol only plays a negative role in our lives. We're not like those folks who can have an occasional drink. After all, they don't focus on when they can have the next one -- or wonder why they cannot stop at one, maybe two.

The good news is that it is doable. There is a ton of support here for you. Getting sober was the best thing I ever did for myself and send my best wishes for you to have the same awakening.

Dee74

Hi John and welcome.

I had to change my life because the life I was leading revolved around booze and boozers.

I kept drinking for a lot of years because that seemed impssible to me - change my life?

Eventually the drink wore me down to the point aht change - anychange, was preferable.

Turns out I really love being sober, I made lots of new friends and reconnected with some old ones...my social calendar has never been as full

None of us would be here in recovery if we felt we lost out on the deal - give it a try

D

Mikie9

I stopped drinking by not drinking. I am not gonna say it was easy or didn't take some lifestyle changes, but that's how I stopped. I stopped and dealt with the uncomfortable moments and the loss of friends and he easy buzz.

To your point about social engagements where, "if I am not drinking, what's the point?". Maybe re think the point of going, and the friends you are hanging out with for a bit? I go to many events now with drinking friends and I don't drink. If it is a problem for them, or me, I simply don't go. Maybe your social circle isn't based on friendship, but have always shared being drunk? We all want a drunk buddy, damn sure don;t want a sober buddy until the day after.

Them: "Woohoo let's get drunk and act a fool",
Me: "no thanks" ,
Them: "loser you aren't a true friend"
Me: "I'm alone and friendless"

^ This sort of thinking? If you want to move on, move on friend. My true friends that still drink themselves to sleep every night respect my choice to not drink and understand the only time I want to hear from them is when they are sober. SOBER, not hungover, feeling bad for themselves because of their choices, pretending to want a way out of the hell we shared.

The rest of "them" vanished. And I hope my friends that are friends figure life out every day, but it isn't my problem and I am not going down with them.

doggonecarl

Exactly. I found a lot of the alcohol-related activities I enjoyed, I didn't enjoy sober. Why? Because it wasn't the activity that mattered, it was the drinking. Take the drinking out, it was usually some pointless gathering that I had attributed all this importance to.

I got sober and found sober activities.

I'm not saying you have to give up on all the things you like doing, but if there is going to be alcohol, you might want to take a pass on them for a while. Sound too drastic? It is...if you really want sobriety, there are a lot of drastic things you have to be willing to do. That's the "change" Dee wrote of. Not many things more drastic than changing your entire life.

JeffreyAK

Welcome to the club, I was a magnet for alcohol once I started going, long before it became a major problem.

You say you've quit for 3 weeks, so you know you can do that. Do you think you have the willpower to decide to quit for say 3 months, no matter what happens, you're not gonna drink for 3 months and then you're going to re-evaluate? Reason I suggest this is, our brains change with sobriety, and with some solid sober time we look at things differently. What seems impossible doesn't seem impossible anymore.

If you absolutely cannot follow through, then you know you need some more intensive help.

MIRecovery

This is a problem that is easily solved. You simply do no go to go to these events. I still do not go to all drinking events I'm invited to

MelindaFlowers

The definition of addiction is continuing to do something despite any and all negative consequences.

Alcohol was causing major problems in my life and had to go. It sounds like your story is similar.

Pouncer

Exactly.

I am one of those people who should never drink. I do not have an off button.

In the past and especially when I was younger, I didn't have an alcohol problem per se. I didn't drink that often or that much. Sometimes I would have a night where I had 5-8 too many (with blackouts), but it was relatively rare. Gradually, I started drinking more -- especially over the last 5 years until I did it everyday. It was ruining my life and I was suicidal. I believe alcoholism was inevitable for me. My definition of an alcoholic is someone who can't moderate. Geez, that sure fits me!

To sum it up: Once, when I was questioning whether or not I had an alcohol problem, a sober friend asked me what happened when I drank for the very first time (high school). I said, 'I blacked out.' She said, 'exactly.'

JeffreyAK

Yup, it was progressive for me too, following about the same sort of pattern. Once it became a daily thing, it was all downhill, though it was a several-year slide into the abyss. I blacked out my first time drunk too.

GracieLou

I was at this point twelve years ago. I wanted to stop drinking yet I didn't want to miss all the fun. Ten more years of progressive alcoholism and I was no longer having fun. I had to drink to keep the anxiety, resentment and depression at bay. Of course at the time I did not realize that it was my drinking that created and enhanced these issues.

The bars, birthdays and BBQ's were a thing of the past as I could not trust myself to drink at them anymore. Many of my "friends" were still drinking, either because they always were social drinkers that could handle a couple and stop, they were alcoholics that had not progressed as far as I had or they were as bad as me so we clung together while we both wondered what happened the night before as we drank the next morning away.

I found myself alone with only my bottle to comfort me as I cursed and held resentments against them for no longer being my "friend". They were never friends, they were drinking and partying buddies.

Those people were not there to pick me up, most of them would have left me laying in the dirt drunk because I became a problem, not them, me.

I am two years sober and not one of those old "friends" are in my life today but I have a new life and new sober friends. I would not mind a person having a drink in my presence but most were not social drinkers, they drank alcoholically, as I did. Now whether they are alcoholics is for them to decide, not me. I can only change my life, my behavior.

That is my story though, you very well may have good friends that will accept your desire to stop drinking, they will respect that decision, support you and remain your friend. I might have had the same if I had stopped years ago but as it was, I drank everyone away including the drinkers.

It is a change and it did not happen overnight. The decision to stop drinking happened overnight but all the changes came gradually as I learned more about alcoholism, about myself, about life and living it on life's terms, not mine.

Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic, only you can accept that and make a change and get into recovery.

If you are ready then this is a wonderful site for support, encouragement, ideas and recovery options but only you can decide to use the resources here and in real life no matter what recovery option you choose. Keep coming back!

If you stop and relapse, come back. If you want to give up, come back. If you don't know what to do about a problem, come back. If you are tired and feel life closing in, come back. Keep reaching out!

48heath

Welcome to SR.

Why don't you think you are an Alcoholic?

" I find myself in the pub on a 16 hour bender where I have had 15-20 pints and I can't remember what I have done - but people will tell me and I will feel sick, remorseful and am stuck with immense feelings of shame and guilt "

The above statement alone stood out for me in your post,non-alcoholics don't do this! I do understand how you feel,I also didn't think I was an Alcoholic,despite the evidence that told me I was.

You need to make the decision to stay away from the first drink whatever happens and want to remain sober more than drink.

Wishing you well.

JohnTrey

Thank you again for all of the responses.

I feel like I would have to remove myself from 'triggers' that will start me drinking, not having the first one is the key for me. I am going on two holidays in the next few weeks where drinking for me is highly expected and it will be near impossible for me not to have one drink (one trip is to Vegas and I'm from UK). Is damage limitation an option over the next few weeks and months then go entirely sober after these triggers have passed for me? After this I can then avoid the triggers and make all around me aware that I will not be drinking anymore.

Quite depressing that I am in this position and, to add, I know that if I lose my job, partner, health at this moment I would hit the booze hard and that would be a terrible slippery slope for me.

Thoughts?