It's the little things that kill
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It's the little things that kill
On my 2nd day sober.
I was already feeling blue due to loneliness and being sick today.
I have a bladder infection and cold, and spent my day in bed. Phone was silent, like always. I spend hours staring at it hoping that someone might call or text, but that's always a false hope.
I didn't have the urge to drink because I am sick.
Then a few things happened that is causing that trigger, that urge. One was earlier in the day, that I just cried out and tried to talk myself through.
I overheard my parents talk about parenting, and my dad said "well, we did everything by the book and all we got is crap (referring to my brother and I)"
As you can imagine, this caused me to cry in silence, in my bed. I try not to let the negative things my dad says get to me, but it's my dad for crying out loud and it really hurts that I've failed him as his child. I fell asleep and put it out of my mind.
Then my ex, who spent all day in SF today, said he might be going back tomorrow to do a free jogathon. I asked who invited him and he says "is this going to be an issue?" and immediately my heart sunk.
I knew it was a female. He said it is his friend Rochelle. Don't know her, never met her. The only times he mentioned her is that he ran into her at a bar a few weeks ago and they hung out the entire night because his friend bailed on her.
Rejection ******* hurts. Now I could be overreacting, or being delusional. Heck, I'm already like planning their wedding out in my head. Of course crazy me went an looked her up on Facebook. Cute girl. Positive. Motivated. Sane. Lots of friends. Seems like a healthy person to be around.
Maybe they are only friends. But I know my ex, and this is how things all start with him.
Who knows if this jogathon even exists. I searched for one online in the Bay Area and found no trace of one.
The fact that he asked if its an issue could mean a few things: that it's harmless, he just doesn't want to start a fight. Or he is defending that he is interested I this woman. Or both. Who knows. I know that he likes to jog for exercise everyday after work, and it could be something he's curious about since he's never done a jogathon before. I don't know, my mind is racing.
Tears streaming down my face, shaking and my heart dropping to the floor, those feelings arise. Man I wish I could get **** faced right now. I wish I had friends. I wish I was skinny. I wish I had money. I wish someone would invite me somewhere one day. I wish I was athletic. I wish I was pretty. I wish he wanted me. I wish we were back together....
Sometimes not even the thought of my son can replace the hole I have in my heart for my ex. I'm already dealing with great emotional turmoil of my alcoholism while pregnant. I try to shift my focus onto my pregnancy but knowing what a horrible mother I am, it doesn't help or make me happy. More than anything I just want my ex and I to be a family.
Feelings of great loneliness coupled with the immense feeling of being a failure as a child and the fear/jealousy of being replaced is toxic for me.
Its these little things that kill.
I was already feeling blue due to loneliness and being sick today.
I have a bladder infection and cold, and spent my day in bed. Phone was silent, like always. I spend hours staring at it hoping that someone might call or text, but that's always a false hope.
I didn't have the urge to drink because I am sick.
Then a few things happened that is causing that trigger, that urge. One was earlier in the day, that I just cried out and tried to talk myself through.
I overheard my parents talk about parenting, and my dad said "well, we did everything by the book and all we got is crap (referring to my brother and I)"
As you can imagine, this caused me to cry in silence, in my bed. I try not to let the negative things my dad says get to me, but it's my dad for crying out loud and it really hurts that I've failed him as his child. I fell asleep and put it out of my mind.
Then my ex, who spent all day in SF today, said he might be going back tomorrow to do a free jogathon. I asked who invited him and he says "is this going to be an issue?" and immediately my heart sunk.
I knew it was a female. He said it is his friend Rochelle. Don't know her, never met her. The only times he mentioned her is that he ran into her at a bar a few weeks ago and they hung out the entire night because his friend bailed on her.
Rejection ******* hurts. Now I could be overreacting, or being delusional. Heck, I'm already like planning their wedding out in my head. Of course crazy me went an looked her up on Facebook. Cute girl. Positive. Motivated. Sane. Lots of friends. Seems like a healthy person to be around.
Maybe they are only friends. But I know my ex, and this is how things all start with him.
Who knows if this jogathon even exists. I searched for one online in the Bay Area and found no trace of one.
The fact that he asked if its an issue could mean a few things: that it's harmless, he just doesn't want to start a fight. Or he is defending that he is interested I this woman. Or both. Who knows. I know that he likes to jog for exercise everyday after work, and it could be something he's curious about since he's never done a jogathon before. I don't know, my mind is racing.
Tears streaming down my face, shaking and my heart dropping to the floor, those feelings arise. Man I wish I could get **** faced right now. I wish I had friends. I wish I was skinny. I wish I had money. I wish someone would invite me somewhere one day. I wish I was athletic. I wish I was pretty. I wish he wanted me. I wish we were back together....
Sometimes not even the thought of my son can replace the hole I have in my heart for my ex. I'm already dealing with great emotional turmoil of my alcoholism while pregnant. I try to shift my focus onto my pregnancy but knowing what a horrible mother I am, it doesn't help or make me happy. More than anything I just want my ex and I to be a family.
Feelings of great loneliness coupled with the immense feeling of being a failure as a child and the fear/jealousy of being replaced is toxic for me.
Its these little things that kill.
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Originally Posted by GracieLou 
First things first.
What are you doing about your recovery? Did you consider going to an AA meeting?
What are you doing about your recovery? Did you consider going to an AA meeting?
I'm on this site to help me stay sober. It's a starting point for my recovery, so this counts as something I'm doing for my recovery.
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Originally Posted by calypso17
I'm on this site to help me stay sober. It's a starting point for my recovery, so this counts as something I'm doing for my recovery.
That is why I asked what you are doing about recovery.
If you have been to AA did you get any contact numbers? If not then I suggest you grab some next time you go. Calling someone when we are in the funk is the best time to reach out. They can talk you through it and give some suggestions. If you could not go to a meeting they may have been willing to come to you.
My point is to find a solution to the thoughts of drinking while they are happening. If I did not do this I ended up in a pity party with all my fingers pointed at others for making my life hell and feelings hurt. Those feelings is what causes us to go back out but it does not have to be that way, we don't have to live that way anymore.
Recovery was a time in my life that I had to do what was right for me. Not my parents, my ex-boyfriend, my job..For me. I had to set everything else aside and concentrate on my recovery. All the people I was angry and sad about were not going to suddenly change and make my life better, I had to change.
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Originally Posted by GracieLou
I agree it counts, I meant earlier today. I got the impression from your post that the fathers comment, the ex conversation and the feeling you are having were from earlier in the evening.
That is why I asked what you are doing about recovery.
If you have been to AA did you get any contact numbers? If not then I suggest you grab some next time you go. Calling someone when we are in the funk is the best time to reach out. They can talk you through it and give some suggestions. If you could not go to a meeting they may have been willing to come to you.
My point is to find a solution to the thoughts of drinking while they are happening. If I did not do this I ended up in a pity party with all my fingers pointed at others for making my life hell and feelings hurt. Those feelings is what causes us to go back out but it does not have to be that way, we don't have to live that way anymore.
Recovery was a time in my life that I had to do what was right for me. Not my parents, my ex-boyfriend, my job..For me. I had to set everything else aside and concentrate on my recovery. All the people I was angry and sad about were not going to suddenly change and make my life better, I had to change.
That is why I asked what you are doing about recovery.
If you have been to AA did you get any contact numbers? If not then I suggest you grab some next time you go. Calling someone when we are in the funk is the best time to reach out. They can talk you through it and give some suggestions. If you could not go to a meeting they may have been willing to come to you.
My point is to find a solution to the thoughts of drinking while they are happening. If I did not do this I ended up in a pity party with all my fingers pointed at others for making my life hell and feelings hurt. Those feelings is what causes us to go back out but it does not have to be that way, we don't have to live that way anymore.
Recovery was a time in my life that I had to do what was right for me. Not my parents, my ex-boyfriend, my job..For me. I had to set everything else aside and concentrate on my recovery. All the people I was angry and sad about were not going to suddenly change and make my life better, I had to change.
I don't want to run the risk of being that person who calls and the person on the other end thinks "what's wrong now? She probably is crying over the same old stuff"...
With my old friends it got to the point that I would call just to say hi and they would assume that I was calling because I was in emotional agony or to be a drama queen and dump my problems on them. And it wasn't the case all the time, sometimes i would call to chat but I was that person that anything could set me off down a path of self destruction and since I hate myself so much, I couldn't rely on myself to get through anything so I would reach out to my friends. Then I became that friend....the crier, the whiner, the problem, the annoyance, the drama queen, the emotionally unstable, the unpredictable, the ungrateful (which may have seemed that way but I was most definitely
Not ungrateful for my friends)....etc.
Unfortunately now with all these powerful emotions running through my body it is making me feel even worse, like my cold intensified by 100. I doubt I would feel physically well to go to an AA meeting tomorrow.
I chose this site because I am too afraid to start any local friendships in fear that I will annoy and destroy those friendships. I like my anonymity here, and since this is online I
Honestly feel like I can do less damage to others.
I know I am in control of how I feel. I know that my ex and my dad aren't causing me to feel this way or making me want to drink.
I experience physiological changes that make it impossible to calm down and think rationally. Shaking, sweating, uncontrollably crying, hyperventilating, irrational thoughts, thoughts of self destruction. I try to counter those thoughts by thinking positive, then I look at my present situation and realize "yeah, you're worthless. Look at your life now compared to what it was and what it could be".
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Originally Posted by calypso17
I feel like a puppy with its tail in between its legs if I go back to AA.
I was told and it is something I have to remind myself of many times.
"What other people think about me it none of my business".
If you are serious this time, don't worry about the last time, but if you are serious this time, then reach out to AA again.
Worrying about what others think is called projection and it kept me in the same damn place for a long time. I assumed what other people thought about me and my problems when in fact, I have no idea what they are thinking.
I based a lot of my life this way and it was the foundation of many of my resentments. I reacted to what I thought other people thought. It was a vicious circle. I think they don't like me so I won't call, I won't go, I won't touch this subject, I won't ask, I won't tell, I won't......The common word here is "I". Not them.
I discovered it was me that thought these things. I am not saying that everybody I come in contact with loves me, wants to be friends but people are allowed not to like me just as there are people that I don't like. I always wanted redemption but was never willing to give it. I thought that my reasons trumped theirs!
Not reaching out because of fear may have been my worse habit and it is still something I struggle with today.
I am not saying that SR is not a great resource, it so is. It has helped me in the past and it continues to help me but the face to face or phone to phone contact with other recovering alcoholics has been the solid foundation in my recovery.
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I guess some advice I was hoping for is what I can do right now to help my feelings of sorrow and urge. I cannot sleep or unwind. I'm crying uncontrollably and sweating. It's 3am so there's no way I can even get access to drinking.
I need rest so I can go to work on Monday, and want advice on how to make it through tomorrow when all that will be on my mind is my ex having fun with his new friend in San Francisco.
I don't know how to cope with this situation...him going to SF again to spend the day with this woman. It breaks my heart and frustrates me. Causes feelings of jealousy, sorrow, anger and destruction. I feel helpless and hopeless. How and what can I do right now so I don't end up making myself more sick the rest of the night? And what can I do tomorrow so I don't drive myself insane with delusional thoughts and alternate realities (hence imagining what he's doing and creating a reality for him and not even living in mine).
I need rest so I can go to work on Monday, and want advice on how to make it through tomorrow when all that will be on my mind is my ex having fun with his new friend in San Francisco.
I don't know how to cope with this situation...him going to SF again to spend the day with this woman. It breaks my heart and frustrates me. Causes feelings of jealousy, sorrow, anger and destruction. I feel helpless and hopeless. How and what can I do right now so I don't end up making myself more sick the rest of the night? And what can I do tomorrow so I don't drive myself insane with delusional thoughts and alternate realities (hence imagining what he's doing and creating a reality for him and not even living in mine).
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Have you tried asking God for help?
There have been times that I have felt as you do and the only thing I had at that moment was prayer.
It gave me strength. It helped me release my anger, frustration and sadness. I placed them in God's hands. I gave it to him. It released my burden.
I had to hand it over as I could no longer carry it and remain sane.
There have been times that I have felt as you do and the only thing I had at that moment was prayer.
It gave me strength. It helped me release my anger, frustration and sadness. I placed them in God's hands. I gave it to him. It released my burden.
I had to hand it over as I could no longer carry it and remain sane.
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It's good that you're here Calypso! Hopefully it's the first of a number of positive steps. We all come here with issues. God knows, I wish I was more this and less that, but first understand that the power to change is within you and starts with this one first step! Like any long journey it can have rocky moments but in your heart you know it's worth it! Sending you positivity. You've come to a good place!
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Originally Posted by GracieLou
Have you tried asking God for help?
There have been times that I have felt as you do and the only thing I had at that moment was prayer.
It gave me strength. It helped me release my anger, frustration and sadness. I placed them in God's hands. I gave it to him. It released my burden.
I had to hand it over as I could no longer carry it and remain sane.
There have been times that I have felt as you do and the only thing I had at that moment was prayer.
It gave me strength. It helped me release my anger, frustration and sadness. I placed them in God's hands. I gave it to him. It released my burden.
I had to hand it over as I could no longer carry it and remain sane.
In a situation like this I wish he could just visit me and hang out with me, and give me the solutions in a clear cut way.
Because right now my head is spinning and I don't know what to do or how to handle.
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Originally Posted by calypso17
I guess some advice I was hoping for is what I can do right now to help my feelings of sorrow and urge. I cannot sleep or unwind. I'm crying uncontrollably and sweating. It's 3am so there's no way I can even get access to drinking.
I need rest so I can go to work on Monday, and want advice on how to make it through tomorrow when all that will be on my mind is my ex having fun with his new friend in San Francisco.
I don't know how to cope with this situation...him going to SF again to spend the day with this woman. It breaks my heart and frustrates me. Causes feelings of jealousy, sorrow, anger and destruction. I feel helpless and hopeless. How and what can I do right now so I don't end up making myself more sick the rest of the night? And what can I do tomorrow so I don't drive myself insane with delusional thoughts and alternate realities (hence imagining what he's doing and creating a reality for him and not even living in mine).
I need rest so I can go to work on Monday, and want advice on how to make it through tomorrow when all that will be on my mind is my ex having fun with his new friend in San Francisco.
I don't know how to cope with this situation...him going to SF again to spend the day with this woman. It breaks my heart and frustrates me. Causes feelings of jealousy, sorrow, anger and destruction. I feel helpless and hopeless. How and what can I do right now so I don't end up making myself more sick the rest of the night? And what can I do tomorrow so I don't drive myself insane with delusional thoughts and alternate realities (hence imagining what he's doing and creating a reality for him and not even living in mine).
The key word may be 'ex'. It may hurt, you may cry, and that's understandable, but he is an ex... you can look over the top of anything else going on, toward ... your life.
You have something far more important than what he is doing, today or on any day, and that is what you are doing. for you, and for your son. Those are the important things. Try not to focus on those hurtful thoughts. Grieve over it, that is understandable. But you have as much worth as anyone in this world.. and especially to your son.
I am sorry your Dad's words hurt . I would guess that he is hurting too, for you, but spoke in ignorance. Alcoholism is a disease, which needs to be treated. Get yourself to an AA meeting, regardless of what you think, you would not be the first to come back, not the hundredth to come back, not the 10, 000th person to come back, after relapsing. It is just the nature of the beast, so to speak, and anyone who would judge you for needing help up, is worse off than a relapser...because they don't get it. and there are folks there who DO get it. So do not give up.
I am sorry you are sick. that is no doubt not helping you. Do you have meds for your infection? Can you give yourself a few days, without thinking of the ex, so you can rest up and feel better?
You can worry about it all later.. grieve later, if you must.. but for now.. let go and let God (or your HP of choice) remind you of your worth, and take care of YOU. YOU are what you have, and that is plenty, but you need to find your inner strength, which is there, I promise. Its waiting for you to tap in to it!
I hope you know that happiness is for you too. It will be there when you are ready. But you have to do the work, and take the help and do anything it takes. don't worry about what anyone else thinks.. this is your life here, at stake. I applaud you for staying sober, in light of all the worrys and triggers too. Good job girl.
There are good people in AA. you just gotta remember that you are as worthy as any one of the others there!!!!! don't let fear stop you. let it push you, to resources which are for you.
hugs, get some rest, and I am saying a little prayer that you can find some peace today. The Serenity prayer can be your best friend, imho..
and my personal belief is that God speaks to us through each other... loves us through others here on earth, who have it on their hearts to love and share and help..so I believe that you will find God's help all around you, in others.
chicory
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
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It would be nice if we got the bolt of lightening that would tell us what to do.
Have you tried listening to AA speaker tapes. I have found many online. If you are to sick to go out or don't have the strength to reach out and talk you can always listen.
I have found that God works though people and the only thing I have to do at times it be open and willing to listen. Willingness is not always action, sometimes is just listening and taking advice which in a way is action but not as obvious.
Have you tried listening to AA speaker tapes. I have found many online. If you are to sick to go out or don't have the strength to reach out and talk you can always listen.
I have found that God works though people and the only thing I have to do at times it be open and willing to listen. Willingness is not always action, sometimes is just listening and taking advice which in a way is action but not as obvious.
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Originally Posted by chicory
(((Calypso))) What you can do right now.. is love yourself. Because you are lovable, and worth it, and have something that needs attention.. your fight to be sober and your desire for a good life.
The key word may be 'ex'. It may hurt, you may cry, and that's understandable, but he is an ex... you can look over the top of anything else going on, toward ... your life.
You have something far more important than what he is doing, today or on any day, and that is what you are doing. for you, and for your son. Those are the important things. Try not to focus on those hurtful thoughts. Grieve over it, that is understandable. But you have as much worth as anyone in this world.. and especially to your son.
I am sorry your Dad's words hurt . I would guess that he is hurting too, for you, but spoke in ignorance. Alcoholism is a disease, which needs to be treated. Get yourself to an AA meeting, regardless of what you think, you would not be the first to come back, not the hundredth to come back, not the 10, 000th person to come back, after relapsing. It is just the nature of the beast, so to speak, and anyone who would judge you for needing help up, is worse off than a relapser...because they don't get it. and there are folks there who DO get it. So do not give up.
I am sorry you are sick. that is no doubt not helping you. Do you have meds for your infection? Can you give yourself a few days, without thinking of the ex, so you can rest up and feel better?
You can worry about it all later.. grieve later, if you must.. but for now.. let go and let God (or your HP of choice) remind you of your worth, and take care of YOU. YOU are what you have, and that is plenty, but you need to find your inner strength, which is there, I promise. Its waiting for you to tap in to it!
I hope you know that happiness is for you too. It will be there when you are ready. But you have to do the work, and take the help and do anything it takes. don't worry about what anyone else thinks.. this is your life here, at stake. I applaud you for staying sober, in light of all the worrys and triggers too. Good job girl.
There are good people in AA. you just gotta remember that you are as worthy as any one of the others there!!!!! don't let fear stop you. let it push you, to resources which are for you.
hugs, get some rest, and I am saying a little prayer that you can find some peace today. The Serenity prayer can be your best friend, imho..
and my personal belief is that God speaks to us through each other... loves us through others here on earth, who have it on their hearts to love and share and help..so I believe that you will find God's help all around you, in others.
chicory
The key word may be 'ex'. It may hurt, you may cry, and that's understandable, but he is an ex... you can look over the top of anything else going on, toward ... your life.
You have something far more important than what he is doing, today or on any day, and that is what you are doing. for you, and for your son. Those are the important things. Try not to focus on those hurtful thoughts. Grieve over it, that is understandable. But you have as much worth as anyone in this world.. and especially to your son.
I am sorry your Dad's words hurt . I would guess that he is hurting too, for you, but spoke in ignorance. Alcoholism is a disease, which needs to be treated. Get yourself to an AA meeting, regardless of what you think, you would not be the first to come back, not the hundredth to come back, not the 10, 000th person to come back, after relapsing. It is just the nature of the beast, so to speak, and anyone who would judge you for needing help up, is worse off than a relapser...because they don't get it. and there are folks there who DO get it. So do not give up.
I am sorry you are sick. that is no doubt not helping you. Do you have meds for your infection? Can you give yourself a few days, without thinking of the ex, so you can rest up and feel better?
You can worry about it all later.. grieve later, if you must.. but for now.. let go and let God (or your HP of choice) remind you of your worth, and take care of YOU. YOU are what you have, and that is plenty, but you need to find your inner strength, which is there, I promise. Its waiting for you to tap in to it!
I hope you know that happiness is for you too. It will be there when you are ready. But you have to do the work, and take the help and do anything it takes. don't worry about what anyone else thinks.. this is your life here, at stake. I applaud you for staying sober, in light of all the worrys and triggers too. Good job girl.
There are good people in AA. you just gotta remember that you are as worthy as any one of the others there!!!!! don't let fear stop you. let it push you, to resources which are for you.
hugs, get some rest, and I am saying a little prayer that you can find some peace today. The Serenity prayer can be your best friend, imho..
and my personal belief is that God speaks to us through each other... loves us through others here on earth, who have it on their hearts to love and share and help..so I believe that you will find God's help all around you, in others.
chicory
If this event that will take place tomorrow with my ex hasn't even happened yet and i am suffering, I can imagine what kind of train wreck I will be tomorrow (technically later today) at home. What's worse is that more than likely I won't feel very well to keep busy and keep my mind off of what he's doing. There's LOTS to do in preparation for the baby. He's due in 6 weeks, but in reality it can be anytime.
What's holding me back from focusing on my life is that I have no love for myself. At all. None. I have convinced myself that I am worthless, replaceable, unlovable, a burden, purposeless, and that my existence is a mistake. I can vouch for these beliefs based on the history of my long list of failures and bad choices. In my twisted mind, I think "why do I deserve happiness when I am still sowing the consequences of my horrible decisions that I reaped?" And "I deserve everything bad that comes my way because it is a manifestation of my wrong doings."
My ex is the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing I envision before I go to sleep. He haunts my dreams, I wake up crying at night sometimes. I haven't had a day since he left that he isn't constantly on my mind.
More so than my son.
I am afraid to think about my son because it also brings up horrible, negative feelings from all the drinking I've done. I have convinced myself that he is probably ruined and the damage I've done is irreversible. I imagine a child deformed and defected by the actions of his mother. For this, I cannot think about my son too much.
My Dad does not understand or
tolerate alcoholics or addicts. He has no sympathy for those with the disease, or mental illness. It's difficult to live with and around since I have both.
I wish I could love myself. I wish I could look at my present situation and be proud of who I am, but everyday I see my current predicament, the disappointment and frustration in my parents eyes, and the disgust my ex has for me, and I know the cause of all of it is me.
I question if I was brought into this world to do nothing but harm to myself and others? Is this my destiny to be a burden, a failure, a drunk?
I don't even know how or where to begin to start to love myself. I can't look myself in the mirror and say "you look great" because the 40lbs I've gained over the 4 years is mainly the result of lack of self care, exercise, poor diet, and of course, drinking.
I can't look at my résumé and be proud of the two jobs I was fired from back to back due to poor attendance. Or the 9 years I've wasted in junior college racking up debt and a 1.9 GPA.
My bank account speaks for itself - broke ass hoe lol
So many factors play into why I don't love myself. And it's nobody fault but my own.
Getting on this site took a lot of strength, and staying here will take a lot of strength. I'm one of those people that can't finish anything I start.
I enlist the help of the serenity prayer occasionally, or pray to God in general. I ask for guidance, but I somehow find myself in the same negative, destructive rotation that has been the foundation of my past that's built my present.
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Originally Posted by GracieLou
It would be nice if we got the bolt of lightening that would tell us what to do.
Have you tried listening to AA speaker tapes. I have found many online. If you are to sick to go out or don't have the strength to reach out and talk you can always listen.
I have found that God works though people and the only thing I have to do at times it be open and willing to listen. Willingness is not always action, sometimes is just listening and taking advice which in a way is action but not as obvious.
Have you tried listening to AA speaker tapes. I have found many online. If you are to sick to go out or don't have the strength to reach out and talk you can always listen.
I have found that God works though people and the only thing I have to do at times it be open and willing to listen. Willingness is not always action, sometimes is just listening and taking advice which in a way is action but not as obvious.
I hope God can help keep me somewhat ok throughout the day. Since many things send me over the edge, one thing I can do tomorrow is practice listening.
I usually had trouble finding positive things to focus on, because knowing myself I am
Bound to fail so I just don't try.
I was able to pray for a little bit tonight but I'm still in emotional agony.
the only thing on my mind is my ex. I make myself sick manifesting realities for him. I waste more energy on him than I do on my own hygiene sometimes and mental health. I am not strong or
Capable of dealing with this heartbreak alone. It's draining me of the little enjoyment I have during my pregnancy.
Could I be praying for the wrong things?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
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Originally Posted by calypso17
Could I be praying for the wrong things?
There are times I feel I have prayed selfishly, meaning that all I prayed for where things that would benefit me.
Today my prayer is very simple. I pray for strength and willingness, I give thanks for my sobriety, I pray for the alcoholic that still suffers, I pray for people in my life to get help in their lives in areas they need, not what will make them better for me or will make it easier for me.
A simple sincere "God help me and take my burdens" followed by the Serenity prayer is what I started out with. I didn't ask for specifics, I had faith, a very small amount but it was there, that God knows what I need and who I need in my life and he will lead and guide me to the places and the people that can help me on my journey and that covers more than just sobriety, it is my journey in life.
Yesterday I was really down. I was scanning face book and reading all the things others were doing and feeling down right sorry for myself when out of no place my friend Adam posted on my FB page. That was God. He knew I need to hear from a friend and he sent him. It was what I needed. I call those God shots
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Calypso, I truly believe that taking the focus off of myself frees me from my negative thought patterns when I am in a downward spiral.
You will be what you think... so stop playing the stinking thinking tapes in your head. Fake it til you make it.
Its important. only you can stop your negative self talk, only you. If it makes you miserable, thinking these things, then stop. You are valuable, loveable, and you are not your mistakes.. we all make them... I have made some of the biggest, but I have to forgive myself in order to be happy..
your baby , they say, can react to your emotions.. so try to calm, think of how much you are going to love this little person, and you will, more than you have ever loved any thing ever.
Don't focus on anything except what matters now.
You will be what you think... so stop playing the stinking thinking tapes in your head. Fake it til you make it.
Its important. only you can stop your negative self talk, only you. If it makes you miserable, thinking these things, then stop. You are valuable, loveable, and you are not your mistakes.. we all make them... I have made some of the biggest, but I have to forgive myself in order to be happy..
your baby , they say, can react to your emotions.. so try to calm, think of how much you are going to love this little person, and you will, more than you have ever loved any thing ever.
Don't focus on anything except what matters now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 18
You sound a bit like me!
My alcoholism was caused by the break up of a relationship and I'd just go out, get f***ed up to either take the memory awake, get the courage to text her or just for something to do.
I'd then go out and think well if I'm drunk I'd have more opportunity to meet new girls, blah blah blah.
Then someone told me how are you going to find a new girl if you're drinking all the time. And who in their right mind would want to go out with someone who's drinking all the time.
Likewise I got overweight from too much beer but have slowly got my head together and as I write this I'm out walking. Hell it's pouring with rain but I don't care.
If you want to be skinnier only you can do something about it.
I was lonely. But I realised I wasn't going to find new friends sitting in the house hungover or friends with any meaning who just wanna get drunk all day.
I really think that once you become better from your cold etc with a bit of life adjustment, hard work and will power you can do so much better.
I still have a long long way to go but with each day you'll get stronger.
I'm rooting for you - you can do this! X
My alcoholism was caused by the break up of a relationship and I'd just go out, get f***ed up to either take the memory awake, get the courage to text her or just for something to do.
I'd then go out and think well if I'm drunk I'd have more opportunity to meet new girls, blah blah blah.
Then someone told me how are you going to find a new girl if you're drinking all the time. And who in their right mind would want to go out with someone who's drinking all the time.
Likewise I got overweight from too much beer but have slowly got my head together and as I write this I'm out walking. Hell it's pouring with rain but I don't care.
If you want to be skinnier only you can do something about it.
I was lonely. But I realised I wasn't going to find new friends sitting in the house hungover or friends with any meaning who just wanna get drunk all day.
I really think that once you become better from your cold etc with a bit of life adjustment, hard work and will power you can do so much better.
I still have a long long way to go but with each day you'll get stronger.
I'm rooting for you - you can do this! X
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
People aren't going to care that you've been gone since November, you'll just fit back into the crowd.
If meetings were a helpful tool you should go.
If meetings were a helpful tool you should go.
Originally Posted by calypso17
I feel like a puppy with its tail in between its legs if I go back to AA. I've been away since November. And I'm honestly too afraid to get close to anyone locally because I've ruined so many of my friendships just by being me- a depressed alcoholic.
I don't want to run the risk of being that person who calls and the person on the other end thinks "what's wrong now? She probably is crying over the same old stuff"...
With my old friends it got to the point that I would call just to say hi and they would assume that I was calling because I was in emotional agony or to be a drama queen and dump my problems on them. And it wasn't the case all the time, sometimes i would call to chat but I was that person that anything could set me off down a path of self destruction and since I hate myself so much, I couldn't rely on myself to get through anything so I would reach out to my friends. Then I became that friend....the crier, the whiner, the problem, the annoyance, the drama queen, the emotionally unstable, the unpredictable, the ungrateful (which may have seemed that way but I was most definitely
Not ungrateful for my friends)....etc.
Unfortunately now with all these powerful emotions running through my body it is making me feel even worse, like my cold intensified by 100. I doubt I would feel physically well to go to an AA meeting tomorrow.
I chose this site because I am too afraid to start any local friendships in fear that I will annoy and destroy those friendships. I like my anonymity here, and since this is online I
Honestly feel like I can do less damage to others.
I know I am in control of how I feel. I know that my ex and my dad aren't causing me to feel this way or making me want to drink.
I experience physiological changes that make it impossible to calm down and think rationally. Shaking, sweating, uncontrollably crying, hyperventilating, irrational thoughts, thoughts of self destruction. I try to counter those thoughts by thinking positive, then I look at my present situation and realize "yeah, you're worthless. Look at your life now compared to what it was and what it could be".
I don't want to run the risk of being that person who calls and the person on the other end thinks "what's wrong now? She probably is crying over the same old stuff"...
With my old friends it got to the point that I would call just to say hi and they would assume that I was calling because I was in emotional agony or to be a drama queen and dump my problems on them. And it wasn't the case all the time, sometimes i would call to chat but I was that person that anything could set me off down a path of self destruction and since I hate myself so much, I couldn't rely on myself to get through anything so I would reach out to my friends. Then I became that friend....the crier, the whiner, the problem, the annoyance, the drama queen, the emotionally unstable, the unpredictable, the ungrateful (which may have seemed that way but I was most definitely
Not ungrateful for my friends)....etc.
Unfortunately now with all these powerful emotions running through my body it is making me feel even worse, like my cold intensified by 100. I doubt I would feel physically well to go to an AA meeting tomorrow.
I chose this site because I am too afraid to start any local friendships in fear that I will annoy and destroy those friendships. I like my anonymity here, and since this is online I
Honestly feel like I can do less damage to others.
I know I am in control of how I feel. I know that my ex and my dad aren't causing me to feel this way or making me want to drink.
I experience physiological changes that make it impossible to calm down and think rationally. Shaking, sweating, uncontrollably crying, hyperventilating, irrational thoughts, thoughts of self destruction. I try to counter those thoughts by thinking positive, then I look at my present situation and realize "yeah, you're worthless. Look at your life now compared to what it was and what it could be".
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
You must take a moment to get out of your own way. Have you ever tried meditation, even for just a moment. You need to look after that baby, starting now you have a choice to give him a fighting chance. Every second is a chance to start again. Every second is a do over. You are not who you currently think you are. Change your thoughts, and a changed life will follow!
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