calypso17

I got 3.5 hours of sleep. I've been awake for 20 minutes already and it feels unbearable.
Automatically I think- running. San Francisco. New woman. All day. Fun. Replaced. Laughing. Flirting. Etc.
my blood boils with jealousy and sorrow. I'm so exhausted from 4
Hours of crying and hardly any sleep I dont even feel like drinking. This anxiety is intense. My pain from my broken heart is agonizing. How can I make it through today? I feel like texting my ex and bitching him out. Being that controlling, jealous and angry person he hates so much is on the verge of rearing its ugly head. I don't even need to drink to make bad choices. Ahhhhhhh

calypso17

3rd day sober.
My ex didn't go to SF after all.
Wasted all that time and energy on making myself sick for nothing. I'm such a basket case.
Then in my suspicious mind I am thinking "well doesn't mean he isn't spending time with her somehow today"...
I don't feel like drinking because I feel sick still. Another day in bed, confined to my mind.

Bmac

As an alternative to AA, I have found a variety of spiritual speakers to be very influential for me. My favorite is Wayne Dyer. You can pull up many of his presentations on Youtube. I always feel encouraged and a "fire lit" in my heart when I hear some of his teachings.

WritingFromLife

It sounds to me as if you are in a stage of grief, which with all you have said, is absolutely normal. It's hard to get the ex out of your head--and it's okay to cry until you are dry. I would feel "abandoned" if I were in your shoes. And you know what? It's OKAY to feel that way, it's okay to process these feelings. Nurture that little girl within you, you at 5 years old. (ie, not the baby :-) SHE won't abandon you. You feel lonely, but you are not alone, and this will pass. I can promise you that. Nurturing you may mean feel these feelings and let them float away, and learning that you DESERVE to be sober. What you are going through is truly a temporary situation. I wish I could hug you right now. And don't worry about that tucked tail, everyone's been through that, and if someone is judging you for that, well, that's on them, not you. It took what it took.

calypso17

I am crippled with grief. My heart aches so much, and it seems damn near impossible to get over him. He is around and helping out with the pregnancy, but it doesn't help me out in healing my heart. I suffer from severe anxiety if he doesn't text me back right away or I don't see him for a few days. I am so afraid of being replaced. It haunts me.
He makes it well known that I'm nothing but his baby mama. He doesn't care about me in any other way because of how I treated him in the past.
He had enough self respect to up and leave an abusive relationship.
I wish I had enough self love to find the strength to pull through and not let my heartbreak rule my being, my soul, my life.