lycanlaz

Saying that has been really difficult. Like it didn't really apply to me, or that I shouldn't allow myself to use the word because I felt like my problems are negligible next to other true alcoholics. That applying it to myself was a mockery of anyone really struggling. Like the word is foreign, part of a language native somewhere else. I've said it out loud once or twice and each time I've felt embarrassed, like I'm saying something stupid...both times were in front of my ex, who went to a long term rehab for ten months or so. I haven't been to an AA meeting but I understand the need to state it. It surprises me that anyone in recovery places stringent borders on alcoholism or rules on who falls under that umbrella. Acceptance is so important, on either side, whether you are looking at somebody else, or in the mirror.

suicideseason

so attend a meeting?

JeffreyAK

Denial is a big hurdle for nearly everyone who needs to quit. Congrats on crossing it, and don't be surprised if you cross back and forth a few more times before you really accept it. And if you don't like that label, you can use another one. I preferred "addicted" or even "chemically dependent".

lycanlaz

There are a few reasons I don't want to attend a meeting. I am an atheist/agnostic and don't see how I can translate that into accepting a higher power - I was raised in an extremely abusive christian household and lived in terror of God and and what would happen if i didn't believe despite feeling somehow that things weren't right, even as a young child. My mother would sit for hours with me praying to remove demons from me, instilling a belief as a child that I was possessed by the devil and that there was evil in me. If I did something wrong I would be hit and another prayer session would ensue in which she would stare directly into my eyes but through me as if she was looking at something else inside me, rebuking and commanding the demons to get out. She would burn my toys and books because she claimed demons would get into the house through them and because I was so scared of that, though I was upset that I was losing my toys, that was more important. She had meetings with a group that I believe may have been some kind of cult and I have fragmented memories of sexual abuse. I've been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder because of these things but there's also a great deal I don't recall - i remember very little of my childhood.

So there's this mistrust and aversion to a higher power... I have intense social anxiety that has at times become agoraphobic. Group settings are incredibly stressful and are more likely to give me massive panic attacks than assist me towards recovery. I cant talk in front of people as i dissociate and shake and have fainting spells. This is also related to the possible cult and their abuse. I also have a stutter and i have become aware that sharing is limited and often timed, and i understand the reasoning behind this but knowing that i would be timed would make it practically impossible to get any words out at all.

Soberwolf

Group therapy really helped me is that an option for you Laz

IOAA2

Hi.
1st let me say we don’t have to say a word at any meeting, perhaps only our first name. I’ve attended many thousands of meetings over the years.
I never associated well with the word, it’s just a word, alcoholic. I at times say I cannot drink alcohol in safety.

I’ve never been a religious person and feel bad with your experience growing up and totally understand. Higher power does not necessarily refer to someone in flowing robes throwing lightning bolts, religions.
It refers to something/someone with more power than myself. Like a judge, a prison guard, a sponsor, Mother Nature, a group of drunks a storm and so on. It’s also a powerful result of positive thinking.
I nor anyone can get anybody drunk or sober, they must do it themselves. People can certainly help people get sober when they want to.

To become sober we need to work and make changes instead of making up reasons we can’t do something for our betterment. Continued drinking makes for a very miserable life. We have a choice.

BE WELL

Bmac

Stay close to SR until the time comes when you may be able to venture out into other forms of support. I had a similar childhood experience with the casting out of demons and whatnot and as a result, I too struggle with the obvious religiosity of the AA roots. I still go to meetings, not for the steps, but for the people. I need the social aspect of the rooms.

JeffreyAK

There are lots of support group meeting options that aren't AA and don't speak of "higher powers", with no obligation to speak or say more than "Hi", so if you're willing it might be educational. Or just hang out online in forums like this, or chat rooms.

zjw

i didnt go to AA for the first year. Nor did I think i was an alcoholic. I had panic attacks that the alcohol seemingly was causing but somehow in my sick mind this was still no fault of the alcohol. perhaps there was something else wrong with me i could fix so that i could go back to consuming booze? OH and i had tried different brands and such thinking maybe that was the issue before i got sober even theorized with buddy once that maybe they where poisoning our beers since we both had panic attakcs all the time.

But that first year sober I was not an alcoholic nor did I have a drinking problem. Then I went to AA and had to utter those words "i'm an alcoholic" and you know I realized that yes I was an alcoholic.

Its no big deal now a badge of honor even. Its enabled me to improve many things about about my life etc..

I still dont go to AA regularly but I do realize i'm an alcoholic and i'm ok with that. I dont really discuss it with just anyone no biggie.

Oh and those beers turns out they where poisoning them with Alcohol go figure.