kinzoku

Sure, this time was worse than before. And yesterday I had that fire in my belly and I was ready. And now, only in the evening of day 2, I begin to think. In two weeks I will leave the country for a new job, leave my accountability behind. I worry that I will go right back into the bottle with no-one to stop me. I stop, for a few weeks and then I hit it hard. I know this game, I started trying to quit two years ago. I have to figure out what I can do to make this time different, so that the voice that tells me I can become a moderate drinker shuts the hell up.

Dee74

I believe you get back what you put into your recovery.
If you really don't want to drink anymore, you won't.

Personally I don't find the idea of my addiction somehow waiting to ambush me very helpful.

I have the capacity to work hard at maintaining my recovery, to build a strong support base and use it, and to be ready for any eventuality

D

kinzoku

I think maybe it is best that I stop looking so far into the future all the time. It makes present goals seem harder than they are.

Boleo

At least you have figured out "If you do what you used to do you get what you used to get". Now it's just a matter of doing something different;

1. Communicate more with other alcoholics here at SR
2. Communicate more with other alcoholics at f2f meetings
3. Admit you have some weaknesses that "Normies" don't have
4. Do some objective and guided self-appraisal
5. Find ways to be of service to others

Soberwolf

I totally agree with D

brynn

Hi kinzoku!

One thing I discovered is that even if the voice telling me I can moderate my drinking NEVER shuts up, I don't have to listen to it! I found out it's a liar. Always has been and always will be.

Verte

To whom or what are you currently accountable that you will no longer be in two weeks time? I am genuinely curious.

SR will be here for you 24/7.

Visualizing the process of achieving my goal helps immensely when I have fears. When you travel, perhaps visualizing the process of successfully going from your front door in one country to the front door in the other without having a drop of alcohol is a good start. Come up with a solid plan. Apologies but I have not read other posts outlining your past experience with recovery. This time is different; it is new. Time to try new things.

Kinzoku, you can stop the cycle and then no longer fear the cycle?

kinzoku

Thanks all for your support.

I was having a bath when I burst out laughing. I want to go back to drinking!? I think I need to drink to be normal and social? That is absolutely insane! I've messed up so many friendships and relationships directly because of drinking!

Why would I keep trying the same formula as if its ever worked before?

No way.

MelindaFlowers

I used to dream about moderating my drinking and drinking like a normal person but my body had changed after years of drinking 12-14 drinks a night. My brain had changed too. One drink set the stage for the second and third. I NEVER stopped at one or two.

Really take this to heart: we drank to get intoxicated. One or three drinks doesn't get us where we want to be so there is no enjoyment in it. None. There is equal enjoyment in zero drinks.

kinzoku

Absolutely true, I even tried this for awhile setting myself a 2-3 drink maximum*. I either found it excruciating and pointless, or I ended up ignoring my rule, or I ended up following my rule and leaving early to go home and continue to drink more alone. In any case, it proves that 2-3 drinks is a worthless endeavor for me and not worth the pretense.

*edit: minimum and maximum were switched, some freudian humor*

MelindaFlowers

Yeah, non-alcoholics might really enjoy "tying one on" every now and then (few times a year?) by downing four or even five beers and dancing wildly at a wedding reception or New Year's Eve party. Four beers gets them loose as a noodle and ready to parrrrtay! Their off switch also clicks and they stop.

The problem is tolerance. For us to get the same loose feeling took like 12 or more drinks which ends in disaster and nuclear hangovers. And damaging our bodies. And blackouts.