Dating in Early Recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 34
Dating in Early Recovery
I've heard from a lot of people that dating in early sobriety/recovery is not a great idea.
What do you all think of this? What's been your experiences with this?
I went a coffee date today and during it felt triggered to get high.
I worked the urge and I'm very glad I didn't give in.
I'm guessing dating right now is not the best idea because I've heard it could
trigger a relapse.
Would like some sense knocked into me and some reminders.
Also, 51 days sober!
What do you all think of this? What's been your experiences with this?
I went a coffee date today and during it felt triggered to get high.
I worked the urge and I'm very glad I didn't give in.
I'm guessing dating right now is not the best idea because I've heard it could
trigger a relapse.
Would like some sense knocked into me and some reminders.
Also, 51 days sober!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Katie, listen to your body and mind. If you were triggered, avoid the trigger at this stage of your recovery. Was it the guy or the fact that you were in a social situation?
Not all of us drink through sorrow; feeling happy can bring on the 'celebration' urge.
Not all of us drink through sorrow; feeling happy can bring on the 'celebration' urge.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
I think it is another form of running away. When I drank, I was an ostrich, I didn't face or deal with anything and I'm guessing I wasn't alone on that. I think dating in early recovery is a form of not facing what should be faced: getting to know yourself, working your program, fixing whatever was left unattended during drinking etc. Congrats on 50 days btw!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I was one hot mess when I got sober.
I had to get to know who sober me was, and sort my life out before I could fairly ask someone to share it.
That one year thing you hear is not bad advice IMO
D
I had to get to know who sober me was, and sort my life out before I could fairly ask someone to share it.
That one year thing you hear is not bad advice IMO
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 34
I think I wrote this but I already know the answer. I don't want to short change myself in this process and I got a bit scared today when I wanted to smoke weed. I think just being on a date and talking about music made me reminisce. I really missing smoking and listening to music.
I really miss it. I caught myself wondering after if I can smoke and not drink and still be in recovery. I'm genuinely confused but I know it's not something I want to mess with right now. I really want to get time under my belt and see where I go on this path.
When I smoke or drink my eating disorder thinking begins.
Why can't I just be a normal person and do these things. I'm missing using hardcore tonight. I know I can ride this out though, just got nostalgic and sad. I feel like it's a form of grief in a way. Like an old friend I miss. I miss the feeling of numbing out/checking out, the body high.
I've put too much work into this to throw in the towel. I feel safe in my apartment tonight. I know I can get through tonight. But I'm sad that I'll never feel "normal".
I really miss it. I caught myself wondering after if I can smoke and not drink and still be in recovery. I'm genuinely confused but I know it's not something I want to mess with right now. I really want to get time under my belt and see where I go on this path.
When I smoke or drink my eating disorder thinking begins.
Why can't I just be a normal person and do these things. I'm missing using hardcore tonight. I know I can ride this out though, just got nostalgic and sad. I feel like it's a form of grief in a way. Like an old friend I miss. I miss the feeling of numbing out/checking out, the body high.
I've put too much work into this to throw in the towel. I feel safe in my apartment tonight. I know I can get through tonight. But I'm sad that I'll never feel "normal".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 34
Dee,
is it normal to go through waves of grief like this? I just want to be able to do things in moderation? I'm sad about this. But I know I can't go back. I just turned 30. The alcoholism kicked in right before I turned 28. I know I can't but I wish I could go backwards and rewire my brain.
I know it will be ok I just feel distance from my friends who still drink. I'm lucky to have a lot of friends who have been supportive and understand but I feel left out. I also think I ate too much sugar tonight which is adding to my feeling a bit down.
is it normal to go through waves of grief like this? I just want to be able to do things in moderation? I'm sad about this. But I know I can't go back. I just turned 30. The alcoholism kicked in right before I turned 28. I know I can't but I wish I could go backwards and rewire my brain.
I know it will be ok I just feel distance from my friends who still drink. I'm lucky to have a lot of friends who have been supportive and understand but I feel left out. I also think I ate too much sugar tonight which is adding to my feeling a bit down.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hey Katie, try not to dwell on your very normal feelings. Lots of us wish we could drink (or smoke) in moderation, so you're part of a very big community.
It can be hard in the beginning, but sobriety brings it's own rewards. The biggest reward for me is the lack of self-reproach. It's taken a burden off my shoulders.
It can be hard in the beginning, but sobriety brings it's own rewards. The biggest reward for me is the lack of self-reproach. It's taken a burden off my shoulders.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Recovery bought many changes for me Katie but honestly not one of then were bad changes
It's normal to grieve a loss - even tho it's parts of a life that simply didn't work for us.
It's gonna be ok - give yourself time
D
It's normal to grieve a loss - even tho it's parts of a life that simply didn't work for us.
It's gonna be ok - give yourself time
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 109
My therapist while in intensive outpatient strongly suggested waiting a year for the reason that most of the damage we've done to our brains reverses itself in a year. But during that year our judgment is still somewhat impaired.
That said. I didn't quite make it a year but things have turned out ok. I was married for 12.75 years, the last two of which were sexless which explains my eagerness to "jump back in." But the waiting is sage advice indeed.
That said. I didn't quite make it a year but things have turned out ok. I was married for 12.75 years, the last two of which were sexless which explains my eagerness to "jump back in." But the waiting is sage advice indeed.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
This relationship rule cames from rehabs and is widely suggested in AA though it forms no part of the AA program.
On the face of it it seems good advice but at 22 when I got sober, it was advice I flat out ignored. The result was I made some really bad mistakes and learned some of the most painful but valuable lessons in my sobriety.
I now believe everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and one important job of a sponsor is to help the sponsee to learn from them, not try to prevent them from making mistakes.
The one proviso I have is that sobriety was always my number one priority and I had begun my journey with the steps. In that I learned that relationships had no causal relationship with my drinking. I drank because I was alcoholic, it made no difference whether life was good or bad, hot or cold, good relationship or no relationship, none of that had anything to do with my drinking.
If you want to go on a date go. If there is something about the situation that makes you want to use, it's not the date. To quote the big book.. Roughly, "we meet these conditions every day. The Alcoholic who cannot meet them still has an alcoholic mind. There is something the matter with thier spiritual status. " which generally means there is something they need to be doing about recovery which they have not yet started.
On the face of it it seems good advice but at 22 when I got sober, it was advice I flat out ignored. The result was I made some really bad mistakes and learned some of the most painful but valuable lessons in my sobriety.
I now believe everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and one important job of a sponsor is to help the sponsee to learn from them, not try to prevent them from making mistakes.
The one proviso I have is that sobriety was always my number one priority and I had begun my journey with the steps. In that I learned that relationships had no causal relationship with my drinking. I drank because I was alcoholic, it made no difference whether life was good or bad, hot or cold, good relationship or no relationship, none of that had anything to do with my drinking.
If you want to go on a date go. If there is something about the situation that makes you want to use, it's not the date. To quote the big book.. Roughly, "we meet these conditions every day. The Alcoholic who cannot meet them still has an alcoholic mind. There is something the matter with thier spiritual status. " which generally means there is something they need to be doing about recovery which they have not yet started.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Indiana
Posts: 118
Originally Posted by Gottalife 
I drank because I was alcoholic, it made no difference whether life was good or bad, hot or cold, good relationship or no relationship, none of that had anything to do with my drinking.
If you want to go on a date go. If there is something about the situation that makes you want to use, it's not the date. To quote the big book.. Roughly, "we meet these conditions every day. The Alcoholic who cannot meet them still has an alcoholic mind. There is something the matter with thier spiritual status. " which generally means there is something they need to be doing about recovery which they have not yet started.
If you want to go on a date go. If there is something about the situation that makes you want to use, it's not the date. To quote the big book.. Roughly, "we meet these conditions every day. The Alcoholic who cannot meet them still has an alcoholic mind. There is something the matter with thier spiritual status. " which generally means there is something they need to be doing about recovery which they have not yet started.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Katie -
I feel normal pretty much every day, and I have for years.
That is largely what the Promises of AA guarantee.
I would follow the advice of people trying to help you get sober.
My sobriety is the most important thing I have, and I do not want to jeopardize it.
Stay away from the alcoholo and drugs and keep us posted.
There is a good life out there waiting for you.
I feel normal pretty much every day, and I have for years.
That is largely what the Promises of AA guarantee.
I would follow the advice of people trying to help you get sober.
My sobriety is the most important thing I have, and I do not want to jeopardize it.
Stay away from the alcoholo and drugs and keep us posted.
There is a good life out there waiting for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Mgm, AL
Posts: 1,000
relationship
Originally Posted by Katie1985
I've heard from a lot of people that dating in early sobriety/recovery is not a great idea.
I'm guessing dating right now is not the best idea because I've heard it could
trigger a relapse. Would like some sense knocked into me and some reminders.
I'm guessing dating right now is not the best idea because I've heard it could
trigger a relapse. Would like some sense knocked into me and some reminders.
I've heard that you shouldn't date for at least a year into recovery--and 5 if you can stand it! I heard a speaker say, "You're less than 3 months without your go-to Problem Solver--exactly what do you bring to the table in a relationship? I use the same question when my sponsees ask, and they do ask. If you want to bring someone you respect (yourself) into a relationship, it's a good idea to be selfish about your recovery for a good while. You're going to find a new 'you' in the months ahead if you're serious about recovery...
I've heard, "The first year's about getting sober, the second year's about living sober." It's taken longer than that for me. My marriage has survived, but I've made more mistakes in sobriety than I ever did being hammered--and that's because I'm present these days.
It took me a very long time learning how to practice the principles in all my affairs, and having to juggle someone else's feelings/input/drama/co-dependence isn't an advantage. Normies, too, just don't get it when we talk about our recovery--seriously. Most of them run for the tree line...
My suggestion, if you were asking, would be to dive head-long into a program of recovery and spiritual principles that prepare you for all of life on life's terms. THEN you will have something to bring to a healthy relationship (and your "Picker" might heal, too...).
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
I don't know if there's anything "magical" about a year. My gut feeling is it's different for each individual. I know, for myself, I drank heavily as my marriage fell apart, got into another serious relationship right on the heels of separation, broke up several times because of my drinking, and now I'm all alone again. I plan to stay that way for a while, too, but not really putting any specific time limitations on it. I have a feeling I'll kinda know when I'm able to handle it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
For me, I think having a partner,
friend, husband or wife that is in
recovery, living a recovery program,
along side me is good. Someone
who understands recovery. Someone
I can share and talk recovery with.
Someone who can support me as I
them.
In my first marriage I was the one
in recovery where my husband was
the normal one. The one with no
addiction problems. This caused
a huge split between us because
we lacked healthy, honest, understanding
between us.
It was like we were living on different
planets all the time.
Anyway, that marriage lasted 25 yrs.
and now im married for 6 wonderful,
healthy, happy, honest years with
someone in recovery also. Now
we have a lot in common between
us.
Relationships come with all sorts
of emotions and situations which
add more dynamics to our life and
recovery.
It was always stressed a lot to newcomers
just beginning a life in recovery to avoid
new relationships and to focus on recovery
and sobriety first. We are learning to build
a strong, solid foundation to live our lives
upon each day we remain sober.
That process does take time in order
for our recovery to become effective
over the yrs. as we grow, change and
mature.
In early recovery we are relearning
about ourselves and our addiction.
Learning to clear away the clutter
or damage of our past due to our
addiction.
Then it takes time to learn new, healthy,
ways to contiue living without numbing
our emotional, physical, spiritual pains
with drugs or alcohol.
Taking time to grow in recovery to become
the best person we can possibly be before
adding someone to share it with.
friend, husband or wife that is in
recovery, living a recovery program,
along side me is good. Someone
who understands recovery. Someone
I can share and talk recovery with.
Someone who can support me as I
them.
In my first marriage I was the one
in recovery where my husband was
the normal one. The one with no
addiction problems. This caused
a huge split between us because
we lacked healthy, honest, understanding
between us.
It was like we were living on different
planets all the time.
Anyway, that marriage lasted 25 yrs.
and now im married for 6 wonderful,
healthy, happy, honest years with
someone in recovery also. Now
we have a lot in common between
us.
Relationships come with all sorts
of emotions and situations which
add more dynamics to our life and
recovery.
It was always stressed a lot to newcomers
just beginning a life in recovery to avoid
new relationships and to focus on recovery
and sobriety first. We are learning to build
a strong, solid foundation to live our lives
upon each day we remain sober.
That process does take time in order
for our recovery to become effective
over the yrs. as we grow, change and
mature.
In early recovery we are relearning
about ourselves and our addiction.
Learning to clear away the clutter
or damage of our past due to our
addiction.
Then it takes time to learn new, healthy,
ways to contiue living without numbing
our emotional, physical, spiritual pains
with drugs or alcohol.
Taking time to grow in recovery to become
the best person we can possibly be before
adding someone to share it with.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 9
Katie,
Hi....I am new to this forum. I am also newly single and am desperately lonely. Someone on here suggested to me to abstain from my online dating during this time. I really have to agree. It would definitely trigger me to binge drink. I'm not sure I could stick to coffee dates. But, more importantly, I think I need to fill my loneliness with something other than a man. Activities that are uplifting to my spirit like taking a hike...you know, just healthy activities. I want to be comfortable in my solitude. Until I am, I don't think I am going to seek out male companionship. I have a dog. He loves me. :-)
Hi....I am new to this forum. I am also newly single and am desperately lonely. Someone on here suggested to me to abstain from my online dating during this time. I really have to agree. It would definitely trigger me to binge drink. I'm not sure I could stick to coffee dates. But, more importantly, I think I need to fill my loneliness with something other than a man. Activities that are uplifting to my spirit like taking a hike...you know, just healthy activities. I want to be comfortable in my solitude. Until I am, I don't think I am going to seek out male companionship. I have a dog. He loves me. :-)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
howtoforgive -
My drinking was intertwined with my addiction to internet dating. My favorite thing to do while drinking was to "look for love" and write notes to people and - ultimately - meet them and have all the drama of an "insta-relationship." I was also very lonely. That form of interaction did not find me a supportive partner; I mostly ended up having "encounters" that didn't satisfy the needs of my heart.
After my relapse last summer, a recovery friend advised me to also quit internet dating for the first six months of my recovery. It was fascinating to me how difficult that was. There were some nights that I sat, poring over listings, but not contacting anyone. After the first couple of weeks, I stopped doing even that.
I'm in my eighth month of sobriety now. A lot of human beings have entered the space that was made by quitting the internet dating habit (oh, and a wonderful pup!). I haven't met my true love yet, and am aware every day that I am still looking for him (out of the corner of my eye), but I'm waiting for him to show up in real life, to be a real person, and to really love me. I've made many friends, made peace with some people I had cut myself off from, rebuilt my relationship with my adult daughter, and - actually - don't feel so deeply lonely.
I am an affectionate person, so I do miss the physical connection. I've realized though, through this period of affection abstinence, that I wasn't finding anything satisfying inside that, and that I only want people around me that care what happens to me. The men I found on the internet weren't the caring and sensitive fellows that I would want to be in relationship with.
My realization was that my behavior on the internet was as damaging to my spirit as my consumption of alcohol. I allowed myself only this website - and this satisfied many of my needs - the need to connect and communicate at any hour of the day or night, the need to understand and be understood. The only thing SR doesn't provide is the cuddle...
My drinking was intertwined with my addiction to internet dating. My favorite thing to do while drinking was to "look for love" and write notes to people and - ultimately - meet them and have all the drama of an "insta-relationship." I was also very lonely. That form of interaction did not find me a supportive partner; I mostly ended up having "encounters" that didn't satisfy the needs of my heart.
After my relapse last summer, a recovery friend advised me to also quit internet dating for the first six months of my recovery. It was fascinating to me how difficult that was. There were some nights that I sat, poring over listings, but not contacting anyone. After the first couple of weeks, I stopped doing even that.
I'm in my eighth month of sobriety now. A lot of human beings have entered the space that was made by quitting the internet dating habit (oh, and a wonderful pup!). I haven't met my true love yet, and am aware every day that I am still looking for him (out of the corner of my eye), but I'm waiting for him to show up in real life, to be a real person, and to really love me. I've made many friends, made peace with some people I had cut myself off from, rebuilt my relationship with my adult daughter, and - actually - don't feel so deeply lonely.
I am an affectionate person, so I do miss the physical connection. I've realized though, through this period of affection abstinence, that I wasn't finding anything satisfying inside that, and that I only want people around me that care what happens to me. The men I found on the internet weren't the caring and sensitive fellows that I would want to be in relationship with.
My realization was that my behavior on the internet was as damaging to my spirit as my consumption of alcohol. I allowed myself only this website - and this satisfied many of my needs - the need to connect and communicate at any hour of the day or night, the need to understand and be understood. The only thing SR doesn't provide is the cuddle...
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