Serotonin

Well let me start off by saying I realize my biggest trigger is loneliness. Things have been going pretty rough. I was a stay at home dad for a long time living with my son and his mother. She left me about 5 weeks ago. My son is now in childcare during the week. I didn't have a car for six months but now I have a running vehicle and a job, but I don't have my family. I feel like I'm losing my bond with my son as I see him much less and now he prefers his mother. He's 2.5 years old and I know kids especially this young go through stages and at that age many want mom. It's difficult though losing his mother and feeling rejected by my son. So, I started drinking again. The loneliness and feeling of rejection got the best of me. I do have my job and a vehicle now and I recently got approved for insurance so I have positive things to focus on. It's all very confusing and I am really depressed. When I don't have my son or work I either want to sleep all the time or even more foolishly drink.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear of your family troubles, glad you could make it back here for help. Drinking at this point will of course make it all worse, have you considered seeking some local support to help get back on track?

zjw

you have some problems if you add in drinking you'll have that and probably some more to follow. I dont have to tell you this. But when you in that dark spot where your thinking meh screw it i'm gonna have a drink do something else. Post here go for a walk try and shake off that crappy feeling. Once it eases up some its easier to say no to the drink.

These emotions rise and fall they come and go there transient dont allow them to pull you around by the nose back to the bottle etc.. allow them to come and to go watch them rise and fall and fade away etc..

you've made a lot of progress dont discount that. So dust yourself off and move forward from where you left off no biggie.

Serotonin

Thanks for the replies. It's hard letting go of her. Right now I do have a lot of positive things happening and I did work very hard to get back on my feet again. Alcohol right now is like depression juice. I feel so damn foolish for relapsing. I think I'm going to try AA again now that I can get out. I don't have a support system at all. I had to cut most of my friends out of my life because they drink on the weekends. That's every time I see them it just drinking. They can do it on the weekend and not want alcohol during the week. I'm like a lot of you where I'm either drinking pretty much every day or I'm dry. When I go to AA I feel pressure and socially awkward. I guess I could try that again. It beats laying in bed crying waiting until I work or have my boy.

Soberwolf

Welcome bk bud

zjw

sad sounds like you need something to help you pass the time occupy your thoughts etc.. any hobbies you can get into? or reading? I did a lot of things to just occupy my brain so that iw oudlnt sit around thinking about unhappy things all the time.

Sasha4

I'm coming back to leave a comment soon xx

SoberAlky

Hi Serotonin, I am divorced, so I can understand where you are right now with your loneliness and your desire to wish to "hang on" to your wife. I can only speak for myself, but honestly, once I got some distance from the fact my marriage was coming to an end, I could see that our relationship had gotten so co-dependent that it probably would have been difficult to stay sober had our marriage continued.

Personally, AA did not work for me. I was never made to feel welcome and felt constantly judged. Plus, staying sober was not made easier for me when alcohol was still front and center - in this case, the not consuming of it. I found it easier to just render alcohol irrelevant to my life. I built a new social network of people through the website meetup.com, which allows you to meet people with similar interests in your area. All of a sudden I was in touch with people from a variety of backgrounds and such varied interests as dachshunds to kayaking. And alcohol was finally relegated to irrelevance, which I found was the easiest way to stay sober. For those who want to continue to fixate on alcohol by "working the steps," more power to them. But there is more than one way to skin a cat (although I never would, being a cat lover).

Notimetoloose

When we have big emotional things happen to us it is not unusual for depression to follow.
You don't need me to tell you that using alcohol to treat depression is like pouring petrol on a fire and expecting it to go out.
Alcohol is also a crappy companion for loneliness. It robs us!.
Learning how to handle many life events and things like depression without alcohol can be quite the adventure.
You have worked so hard and are doing really well. It sounds like you have a plan. I still think that it is important that you reach out to address the loneliness. Have you thought about perhaps joining some meetup groups?

Serotonin

I don't know what I'm going to do. I have one friend from childhood that doesn't drink at all. I haven't seen him or really talked to him in years. I could try that. What I really need is to be able to talk to someone about my failed relationship. I had counseling at a clinic for uninsured low income people. I recently got Medicaid so I had to stop going. Now I have to figure out how to get counseling through Medicaid if that's possible. I don't know how this stuff works. Not being able to talk about it has been eating at me. I cry every day multiple times. Looking back our relationship was very codependent too. She says I love you and it confuses the hell out of me. She says she loves me but needs time to work on becoming a better person and independent. But at the same time she wants to be friends with benefits. I can't do that. At the same time the thought of her being with another man makes me ill. I'm going for a drive to the store to get some comfort food and get my mind off this. Tomorrow through Sunday I have my son. The weather here is warm enough to go outside. Maybe he'll have fun and not cry for his mother. That kills me too.

waynetheking

Sounds like you're going to action. Getting outside and doing something. Thats good. I think by now you know alcohol is not your friend. Its the deception that gets us. Your depressed and alcohol says come to me. Buts its a hoax. Won't work for ya. Never will. Never. Now take action. Massive amounts of action. That will help kill your desire for alcohol. And depression. Hang in there. Enjoy your son this weekend.

SoberAlky

Serotonin, one of my criticisms of the treatment industry is they try to strong-arm you into treatment, making it sound like a matter of life and death that should take precedence over all other concerns including making a living so you can pay your bills, etc., but I have to ask if you've looked into it or considered it. Because there are numerous programs out there that will accept medicaid. I know it's a difficult decision to make (trust me, I've been there) but you will get the help and guidance you need so you're not flailing about trying to figure out how to stay sober on your own.

readerbaby71

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. Look at your county's Department of Human Services website; ours has listings of mental health services and most of them take medicaid. It seems that your wife needs some space and maybe now would also be a good time for you to try to figure out what kind of life you want to live. Drinking is not going to help this situation one iota.

I hope the weekend with your son lifts your spirits. Sending much love and healing thoughts your way. xo

Soberintexas007

I can understand what you are going through. When you feel depressed and drink alcohol, the alcohol does have initial antidepressant qualities - it temporarily makes you feel good and away from your depression. The problem is that as you continue to drink, those good qualities of alcohol fade away and the bad side effects kick in, which include more depression, hangovers, blackouts, passing out, etc etc. The longer someone stays away from alcohol, the more likely they are to forget about those good qualities of alcohol as an initial escape. This is why initial sobriety is so difficult. Good luck to you.

Zebra1275

AA can help, and since you have a car, the problem of getting to a meeting is solved. Alcoholic will just make your depression worse.

Della1968

Things are coming together for you in so ment ways. Don't lose these things by drinking. You have come too far.

JimdiGriz

I think it's great you've got you're son for the weekend, and with the option of going outside.. You guys should have fun.. When I'm feeling low I focus on the good times I can have with my son and keep busy with play activities.. Try and turn my brain off and focus on simple tasks.. Enjoy

Sasha4

When my partner left me, I was petrified that my daughter (she was 4 when he left) would want to be with him over me.
He moved out from 'our' house into a house with her and her 2 boys who were a similar age.
All I could think was that I was the boring, down, depressed mum and there was no fun in our house. No-one else to play with and at his there were 2 instant playmates.

I could not have been more wrong and I admit it surprised me.

I was discussing this with a colleague from work who had adopted her son when he was about 2 years old.

She said the following and please note, I am not in ANY way saying your child is neglected or abused.

Young children (especially children that have come from a difficult background, but thats not your case) will love and want to be with the person who meets there physical and emotional needs.

He won't understand the situation at all, but he might realise his 'everyday' situation is not the same as always in that you are not there everyday.

So....... thats the parent that keeps them warm and well fed with good food.

The parent that spends hours cuddling them, reassuring them, telling them how much they love the child.

The parent who keeps them clean, baths them and gives them clean clothes to wear and makes sure they have a coat on when its cold.

The parent who gives them a warm, clean bed with their favourite blanket and knows they might be scared of the dark, so leaves them a little night light on.

The parent that cares enough to make them go to bed at a sensible time and strokes their face until they are falling asleep. Gives them warm milk to make them sleepy

The parent that explains it is for their own good that they don't stay up until 11pm, eat junk, eat nothing but ice cream, lets them go to bed without brushing their teeth or wiping their face.

Its the parent who is firm but never shouts or swears or belittles them. The parent they know they can run to if they are scared, had a nightmare or has hurt them self. The one who wipes their tears away and makes it all okay.

At the moment it is your sons mum who is probably doing most of the above due to circumstance.
But there is no reason why you can't do the same really well when you see your child.
You will soon see that your child wants to be with you because he feels safe, secure and happy.

Your world has been turned upside down.
Just concentrate on doing all of the above for your child.
Don't drink.
Certainly don't do the friends with benefits thing. You deserve better than that. She is either with you or she is not.
Just make sure you and your boy are happy when you are together and that everything his mum gives him, you give him too.

I wish you the best xx