Another Question from the "other" Side
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Another Question from the "other" Side
Hey, my "A" friends,
I hope you are all doing well. You have been so helpful to me in the past that I have another couple questions for you.
Recap - Just divorced my AH after 34 years together, 26 married, in October. He and I are both struggling with the divorce but he made some really bad choices and I had to do what was best for me. (of course I was always hoping he would get sober)
Anyway, I get my once a month texts from him, New Years, Valentines day and one last week. "you never call or text, I miss talking to you, hows the dog, hows your parents, hows the new job?" Of course it pulls at the heart strings, but I try not to engage and have any contact with him. So of course I get sucked right back in.
I wait a few hours and respond, I miss talking to him to, but I can't have you in my life. You hurt me to the core. You need to grow up,(learned that from you guys) sober up and work a program before I open up my heart to you again. So of course he was not happy. He told me "I am not a drunk, be well". So I responded that I didn't call him a drunk, that he hurt me and I can't be hurt again. He then tells me that I contradict myself and tell the dog "hi". babble, babble.
So what did I do here wrong? I know that I am not suppose to tell him what to do and I am suppose to mind my own side of the street. I know that you don't like to be told that you have a drinking problem. By his response, what is your take on it. He lost a nice home, a wife that put up with a lot of garbage and enabled him immensely, a dog that he still loves a family enviornment.
What should I do next time so that I don't keep throwing it in his face. I love that he still "loves" me if you can call it that and that he misses us. But what is a better way to handle this. On the New Years text I didn't respond at all to his missing me and he was really pissed. I know that was what I was recommended to do, but it really isn't kind and I didn't really like doing that. Its mean and I don't want him to kill himself, as I know he is so depressed and he is a full blown "alcoholic", from my opinion.
So if this was you, how would you like your X to respond, or what would be the best way to handle this. Of course I am just trying to get him closer to hitting rock bottom as I can. But I have realized he is not going to listen to me. (shocking, huh?) Help my friends, you have always given me a great insight to what it was like and I really need to hear it, good or bad.
Stay well and stay sober, you have no idea how much that means to your family and friends!!
I hope you are all doing well. You have been so helpful to me in the past that I have another couple questions for you.
Recap - Just divorced my AH after 34 years together, 26 married, in October. He and I are both struggling with the divorce but he made some really bad choices and I had to do what was best for me. (of course I was always hoping he would get sober)
Anyway, I get my once a month texts from him, New Years, Valentines day and one last week. "you never call or text, I miss talking to you, hows the dog, hows your parents, hows the new job?" Of course it pulls at the heart strings, but I try not to engage and have any contact with him. So of course I get sucked right back in.
I wait a few hours and respond, I miss talking to him to, but I can't have you in my life. You hurt me to the core. You need to grow up,(learned that from you guys) sober up and work a program before I open up my heart to you again. So of course he was not happy. He told me "I am not a drunk, be well". So I responded that I didn't call him a drunk, that he hurt me and I can't be hurt again. He then tells me that I contradict myself and tell the dog "hi". babble, babble.
So what did I do here wrong? I know that I am not suppose to tell him what to do and I am suppose to mind my own side of the street. I know that you don't like to be told that you have a drinking problem. By his response, what is your take on it. He lost a nice home, a wife that put up with a lot of garbage and enabled him immensely, a dog that he still loves a family enviornment.
What should I do next time so that I don't keep throwing it in his face. I love that he still "loves" me if you can call it that and that he misses us. But what is a better way to handle this. On the New Years text I didn't respond at all to his missing me and he was really pissed. I know that was what I was recommended to do, but it really isn't kind and I didn't really like doing that. Its mean and I don't want him to kill himself, as I know he is so depressed and he is a full blown "alcoholic", from my opinion.
So if this was you, how would you like your X to respond, or what would be the best way to handle this. Of course I am just trying to get him closer to hitting rock bottom as I can. But I have realized he is not going to listen to me. (shocking, huh?) Help my friends, you have always given me a great insight to what it was like and I really need to hear it, good or bad.
Stay well and stay sober, you have no idea how much that means to your family and friends!!
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by maia1234 
So if this was you, how would you like your X to respond?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 109
Hi Maia, I am also divorced, and my own alcoholism was a big part of it. She made it crystal clear that she was no longer attracted to me in any way due to my drinking, and for nearly the last two years of our marriage there was no physical intimacy whatsoever. So it was easy for me to make a clean break.
So while my situation is a little different from yours, I did behave in the same way as your ex, clinging to the hope that I could salvage my marriage, but she was not as accommodating as you. She would just matter-of-factly tell me that by staying in a marriage with me, she would be enabling me, and she was no longer interested in doing so. And looking back on it with my therapist, our relationship had become so excessively co-dependent that it's unlikely my behavior would have changed had we stayed married. It is a little awkward, since we are in the same profession and I have to see her at work, but we keep our interactions to a minimum.
I am now in a very satisfying relationship free of alcohol. I've never had much success connecting with people in AA (in fact, I have to confess I feel most of the people I've met in 12 step meetings to be quite repellent), but the woman I am now seeing is fully aware of my history and is the closest thing to a sponsor I've ever had and I can talk to her candidly about my triggers without being lectured (which is what each of my 12 step sponsors did) and deal with my life in a more stress-free way that makes it easier for me to stay abstinent.
So while my situation is a little different from yours, I did behave in the same way as your ex, clinging to the hope that I could salvage my marriage, but she was not as accommodating as you. She would just matter-of-factly tell me that by staying in a marriage with me, she would be enabling me, and she was no longer interested in doing so. And looking back on it with my therapist, our relationship had become so excessively co-dependent that it's unlikely my behavior would have changed had we stayed married. It is a little awkward, since we are in the same profession and I have to see her at work, but we keep our interactions to a minimum.
I am now in a very satisfying relationship free of alcohol. I've never had much success connecting with people in AA (in fact, I have to confess I feel most of the people I've met in 12 step meetings to be quite repellent), but the woman I am now seeing is fully aware of my history and is the closest thing to a sponsor I've ever had and I can talk to her candidly about my triggers without being lectured (which is what each of my 12 step sponsors did) and deal with my life in a more stress-free way that makes it easier for me to stay abstinent.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
If it was drunken me how would I want my ex to respond:
"Oh I miss you too and I screwed up and am sorry for what I've done."
Anything to help enable me and keep ex hostage.
What should YOU do?
Welp, just my opinion:
Stop responding. From what ya type of his messages he's tryin some manipulation.
But ya already know Ya shouldn't respond as it sucks ya back in just as he wants.
You are in no way,shape,or form responsible for him and if he decides to kill himself it won't be caused by you. He's a big boy that needs to put in his big boy pants, suck it up, and get into action fixing himself.
You didn't cause him
Can't control him
Can't cure him
It's all on him.
Turn it over.
Not your monkey
Not your circus.
"Oh I miss you too and I screwed up and am sorry for what I've done."
Anything to help enable me and keep ex hostage.
What should YOU do?
Welp, just my opinion:
Stop responding. From what ya type of his messages he's tryin some manipulation.
But ya already know Ya shouldn't respond as it sucks ya back in just as he wants.
You are in no way,shape,or form responsible for him and if he decides to kill himself it won't be caused by you. He's a big boy that needs to put in his big boy pants, suck it up, and get into action fixing himself.
You didn't cause him
Can't control him
Can't cure him
It's all on him.
Turn it over.
Not your monkey
Not your circus.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
My wife and I are still married. We're quad-winners (both ex-drunks and both co-dep). Both guilty and both atoning. No real comment on your association other than if you had kids together there can't ever be a complete break. A text is not going to make or break your day is it? Maybe a new project? hobby? to take your mind off?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by maia1234
<snip>
So what did I do here wrong? I know that I am not suppose to tell him what to do and I am suppose to mind my own side of the street. I know that you don't like to be told that you have a drinking problem. By his response, what is your take on it. He lost a nice home, a wife that put up with a lot of garbage and enabled him immensely, a dog that he still loves a family enviornment.
What should I do next time so that I don't keep throwing it in his face. I love that he still "loves" me if you can call it that and that he misses us. But what is a better way to handle this. On the New Years text I didn't respond at all to his missing me and he was really pissed. I know that was what I was recommended to do, but it really isn't kind and I didn't really like doing that. Its mean and I don't want him to kill himself, as I know he is so depressed and he is a full blown "alcoholic", from my opinion.
So if this was you, how would you like your X to respond, or what would be the best way to handle this. Of course I am just trying to get him closer to hitting rock bottom as I can. But I have realized he is not going to listen to me. (shocking, huh?) Help my friends, you have always given me a great insight to what it was like and I really need to hear it, good or bad.
Stay well and stay sober, you have no idea how much that means to your family and friends!!
So what did I do here wrong? I know that I am not suppose to tell him what to do and I am suppose to mind my own side of the street. I know that you don't like to be told that you have a drinking problem. By his response, what is your take on it. He lost a nice home, a wife that put up with a lot of garbage and enabled him immensely, a dog that he still loves a family enviornment.
What should I do next time so that I don't keep throwing it in his face. I love that he still "loves" me if you can call it that and that he misses us. But what is a better way to handle this. On the New Years text I didn't respond at all to his missing me and he was really pissed. I know that was what I was recommended to do, but it really isn't kind and I didn't really like doing that. Its mean and I don't want him to kill himself, as I know he is so depressed and he is a full blown "alcoholic", from my opinion.
So if this was you, how would you like your X to respond, or what would be the best way to handle this. Of course I am just trying to get him closer to hitting rock bottom as I can. But I have realized he is not going to listen to me. (shocking, huh?) Help my friends, you have always given me a great insight to what it was like and I really need to hear it, good or bad.
Stay well and stay sober, you have no idea how much that means to your family and friends!!
It isn't kind or unkind to cut ties with a divorced alcoholic. It is for your own sanity.
Of course I am just trying to get him closer to hitting rock bottom as I can.
So if this was you, how would you like your X to respond, or what would be the best way to handle this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 346
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
This has not happened to me, so I can only respond hypothetically. If I was still drinking, still behaving alcoholically, and contacting my Ex, it would be to get her to respond to my manipulation, to take me back and look the other way in regards to my drinking. Failing that, I'd try to make her feel guilty.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Ditto on the "it's manipulative garbage". I'm an alcoholic married to an alcoholic and I'm insanely co dependent but working on that. Not responding to his texts is ok. If he's angry that you don't, that's on him. My husband and I trade the texts, hoping for a response from the other to get the other to do what we want. From me, it's that he get sober. For him, reassurance that I'm not kicking him out this time.
You can't orchestrate his bottom. You can take care of you. The texts and back and forth is game playing that you can decide not to play. It's so hard NOT to respond but don't do it. I'm learning I have to sit on my hands to keep me from doing so.
You can't orchestrate his bottom. You can take care of you. The texts and back and forth is game playing that you can decide not to play. It's so hard NOT to respond but don't do it. I'm learning I have to sit on my hands to keep me from doing so.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
I would be a little bit more strategic...
If you feel that you must respond to his texts (so as not to upset him), and you think he is manipulating you with all the "missing you" stuff, then just pretend that you don't know what's going on...
Example:
"I am missing the dog so much!"
"Pepe had diarrhea all over the living room carpet this morning. I'm thinking of changing dog foods."
"Why didn't this work out between us?"
"Oh, hey, speaking of work, I just finished that report on the Henderson case. I was super stressed about it, but I did a pretty good job."
"I want to come home."
"Don't be silly. You need a year sober to come home. Oh, hey, I almost forgot to tell you, I went to the doctor and it turns out that the pain in my foot is a bone spur..."
So, you get the point. Everytime the conversation moves toward his feelings or his need to return or his anything, you shift the conversation back to reality (dog poop or bone spurs), and most particularly A REALITY WHICH IS NOT ABOUT HIM.
Alcoholics and addicts are inherently self-obsessed. I'm one, so that's not an insult. I'm a very sweet and kind A, who is also self-obsessed, but my expression of that is in over-processing all my feelings and taking everything personally (both things I'm working on). My point is that even with how amazing I think I am in recovery, I can recognize that most of my interest still flows toward MY stuff - my feelings, my desires, etc. This is a human tendency.
As a woman who has been involved romantically with multiple As, the above technique has proved very powerful. The refusal to allow the conversation to land on THEIR troubles/desires/feelings ends up boring the crap out of them. Especially the reality part. He doesn't want to think about dog poop on the rug (or have to clean it up); he wants to experience (and share with you) the misery of being left out of your life.
So, in a nutshell, lean towards no-contact. When you can't avoid it, just stay with the mantra "don't go there..." Wherever he is trying to lead the conversation, don't go there. Just answer with totally disconnected trivia, stay impersonal, and then "have to go." Fakey-fake. He will get bored so quickly it will blow your mind.
Just an idea, but it has worked for me!
If you feel that you must respond to his texts (so as not to upset him), and you think he is manipulating you with all the "missing you" stuff, then just pretend that you don't know what's going on...
Example:
"I am missing the dog so much!"
"Pepe had diarrhea all over the living room carpet this morning. I'm thinking of changing dog foods."
"Why didn't this work out between us?"
"Oh, hey, speaking of work, I just finished that report on the Henderson case. I was super stressed about it, but I did a pretty good job."
"I want to come home."
"Don't be silly. You need a year sober to come home. Oh, hey, I almost forgot to tell you, I went to the doctor and it turns out that the pain in my foot is a bone spur..."
So, you get the point. Everytime the conversation moves toward his feelings or his need to return or his anything, you shift the conversation back to reality (dog poop or bone spurs), and most particularly A REALITY WHICH IS NOT ABOUT HIM.
Alcoholics and addicts are inherently self-obsessed. I'm one, so that's not an insult. I'm a very sweet and kind A, who is also self-obsessed, but my expression of that is in over-processing all my feelings and taking everything personally (both things I'm working on). My point is that even with how amazing I think I am in recovery, I can recognize that most of my interest still flows toward MY stuff - my feelings, my desires, etc. This is a human tendency.
As a woman who has been involved romantically with multiple As, the above technique has proved very powerful. The refusal to allow the conversation to land on THEIR troubles/desires/feelings ends up boring the crap out of them. Especially the reality part. He doesn't want to think about dog poop on the rug (or have to clean it up); he wants to experience (and share with you) the misery of being left out of your life.
So, in a nutshell, lean towards no-contact. When you can't avoid it, just stay with the mantra "don't go there..." Wherever he is trying to lead the conversation, don't go there. Just answer with totally disconnected trivia, stay impersonal, and then "have to go." Fakey-fake. He will get bored so quickly it will blow your mind.
Just an idea, but it has worked for me!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
This has not happened to me, so I can only respond hypothetically. If I was still drinking, still behaving alcoholically, and contacting my Ex, it would be to get her to respond to my manipulation, to take me back and look the other way in regards to my drinking. Failing that, I'd try to make her feel guilty.
I was the strong one. I put my foot down. I blatently offended him numerous times till he got the hint and backed off. That is what I wanted out of the situation. He would not listen to me saying to go away he still assumed he was somehow my father despite the fact that they had been divorced and I had 0 blood relation to this monster.
My mom had a tough go of this. he'd want to take her to dinner even tho he lived with his girlffriend. My mom struggled to be firm and strong with him. I think she had hoped to maybe work things out with him or have some sort of amicable relationship. Everyone wants things to be nice. But sometimes they just are not nice.
If he causes you so much strife that explains why your divorced. If he is still causing you strife then well maybe you need to cut this off and be firm about it etc..
Otherwise he'll just continue these games with you till he sobers up, or meets someone else to distract him etc.. and heck in my case my stepfather had a girlfriend and wanted my mother too!
Once we all cut our ties a weight was lifted off our shoulders we where finally able to move forward with our lives and not be dragged down into the gutter by his nonsense.
It sounds lik eyou cant be the best you can be while you got this burden on your shoulders. At some point you may have to cut the ties etc..
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: The Northland
Posts: 600
Block his number. His texts will pull you back into the drama and the fantasy every time you get one. Move on with your life. If he gets sober and still wants to get back together, he'll find you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Originally Posted by BernieE
Block his number. His texts will pull you back into the drama and the fantasy every time you get one. Move on with your life. If he gets sober and still wants to get back together, he'll find you.
I had to sabotage it in my case he woulda never backed away and i woulda been constantly tormented wondering if i should concede.
I've learned with myself sometimes severing the tie is not enough to keep me away from something I should be kept away from. Sometimes it takes even more then that in my case.
I'm too nice and too likly to fall into the same hole all over again. I realize this about myself so its ok.
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
It sounds like there is more to your desire to be apart from him than just his drinking. Whether that is true or not, you let yourself in for more pain and drama by even reading his texts. I say block them. Block his texts, his emails, his calls. If he comes to see you, get away and don't look back. Get a restraining order if he tries more than once to see you. You are not responsible for saving this person. Save yourself first.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Originally Posted by BernieE
Block his number. His texts will pull you back into the drama and the fantasy every time you get one. Move on with your life. If he gets sober and still wants to get back together, he'll find you.
Originally Posted by anattaboy
My wife and I are still married. We're quad-winners (both ex-drunks and both co-dep). Both guilty and both atoning.
Still it is so good whenever I hear (too rarely unfortunately) about an alcoholic couple making it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I've never had the heart to completely cut any of my ex's out of my life... each and every one of them still has a place in my heart even if they are no longer my man. Not that I still talk to most of them but if we bumped into each other or needed to get in touch it would be cordial. However I have had a few who just couldn't let go.... showing up where they knew I would be... texting and calling. I handled it similar to what Heartcore was saying. I just refused to go there. Changed the topic or begged off saying I was super busy with something. I just always thought it was best to be gentle with someone else's heart, especially if it's broken. Once he realizes that you aren't going to play along and be a bottomless pit of sympathy he will move on to something new.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I know you are all correct. I guess maybe I am living the fantasy that he will sober up and we can rekindle what we had so long ago. I have survived the divorce, as hard as it was to do, as I was always "hoping" that he would see the light!! As sick as it is, I guess that I almost look forward to his texts telling me he still cares. I am sicker then him. Weird as it sounds, I feel that if I do cut all contact then the 1% chance of getting back together (sober him) is truly over. (sad)
He was my only true love, been together since I was 15 years old, no one else. I am very proud of myself for divorcing and "trying" to move on. I am strong enough now, not to reach out to him and stay with my NC on my side. The only way that I survived what I did was working a program. I have been for over a year now, 2 alanon and 2 open aa meetings a week, besides SR. I have learned a ton, but still not perfect.
It is truly a horrible disease and hurts everyone in its wake!!
He was my only true love, been together since I was 15 years old, no one else. I am very proud of myself for divorcing and "trying" to move on. I am strong enough now, not to reach out to him and stay with my NC on my side. The only way that I survived what I did was working a program. I have been for over a year now, 2 alanon and 2 open aa meetings a week, besides SR. I have learned a ton, but still not perfect.
It is truly a horrible disease and hurts everyone in its wake!!
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