ErJoy1989

I have 4 months of sobriety and it's mindblowing how I once was at rock bottom and then felt at the top of the galaxy. Unfortunately, I am now faced with some big challenges:

I met this amazing man and have been in a relationship with him for 2 weeks. We're very compatable and we have become happier and improved people since we've been together. However: he drinks socially and uses marijuana multiple times a day. He's supportive enough of my recovery but he's not as educated about it as I am. I'm OK with his uses, but I just wish he could use the MJ substance less often. He frequently works hard (he's an over-achiever) and needs to "relax". It does not interfere with any aspect of his life. Tonight felt unbearable because he and his friends got high while I was in the other room. I waited for a really long time for them to be done...then one of them drank a few bottles in front of me. I immediately told them I was tired and left. I'm going to start setting boundaries. I love him and I really want everything to work out.

After I arrived home, my ex boyfriend (broke up with him 5 months ago) texted me and said: "I miss you, I'm miserable because there's nothing going good for me in my life. I am drinking now." I told him to get help, don't bring up drinking because I'm in recovery, and never contact me again.

I'm also struggling with the fact that there have been 5 recent relapses in the sober house I'm currently living in. I felt like I was with a "team" and now it seems like relapsing is "okay" but it's not! Not at all!

I seriously feel like God is testing me. I can't let him, my family, and friends down. I know that I have to keep doing the right thing, no matter how painful it is. The right thing is the one thing that will truly give me any comfort.

I'll go to some meetings tomorrow and talk to people about this. Any other advice? All I really need are words of support. I'm having a hard time.

TigerLili

Oh wow I couldn't do that. I just couldn't. Maybe you need to take a break from this guy until your sobriety is feeling more stable? I couldn't hang out with or date someone who 'got high'. I just couldn't. It sounds like you're really only just getting to know him so it would be hard to say that whether his using and drinking is actually problematic but if getting high is a lifestyle choice for him then he is a bad choice as a boyfriend for you.

I think you need to protect yourself and put your sobriety ahead of this guy. "He and his friends got high while I was in the other room" is not a story that will end well :-(

tomsteve

Welp, first off is you don't have to give another thought of letting anyone down.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-relapse.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...newcomers.html

Here's what I think. Remember it's just my opinion: he drinks occasionally, his friends drink, and he smokes pot with the rationalizing thought of " to relax." I say rationalizing because it was an excuse I used and also billions of people in this world that have ways to relax without it.
Is he really that amazing?
Its two weeks. You don't know crap about him. If this is after two weeks, wait a year and yu very well could be visiting the f&f forum AND the alcoholism/ newcomers forum. Maybe even the substance abuse forum.
Is he that amazing?
I screwed up and didn't listen to the advise of others( don't get into a relationship in the first year) and got into a relationship about 5 months in. Guess who was attracted to me? Only someone as messed up as me! And it wasn't good. Although I didn't drink, it wasn't good.
Is he that amazing?
Here's what I suggest:
Dump him. He's gonna take you down with him.
The Only way you will relapse is if YOU allow it to happen. It will happen if old actions are followed.
Is he that amazing?
Then start lookin at why you feel you need a boyfriend.
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life, depends on that one thing. Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?

Is he worth it?

lakeofglitter

Yikes so many red flags! I agree with tomsteve. The last thing you need in your life right now is dealing with the stress of a new relationship no matter how great you think he his. It's only been a few weeks and if you are dealing with this crap now fast forward a year. It will only get worse.

Focus on getting yourself well. A relationship can wait.

Mountainmanbob

New relationships in early sobriety have proven to be very rough for most and if we add one party person with one (trying to stay sober person) the odds of a long term successful loving relationship are so very low.

I have seen a few of these over the years and have noticed none that made it more than a year or two.

Could be what would be called a slippery place that leads one to relapse.

Mountainman

IOAA2

Hi.
What Tom says is accurate regarding relationships early on. Usually it’s suggested no new relationships in the first sober YEAR.
Getting sober is not always easy and we have a great tendency to do things for emotional reasons without looking at the years of experience has shown.

Your timeframe is quite sensitive so be aware of the facts.

BE WELL

Gottalife

A stoner sounds pretty second best for a boyfriend. Don't you think you deserve better? I'm not so sure you could say a recovering alcoholic and a stoner are compatible, one will eventually have to change and I betting it won't be the stoner.

Personally, I'm not against relationships in early sobriety. AA does not wish to dictate anyone's conduct in this area. In my belief, if you get it wrong like I did, you will learn some valuable lessons but you need not drink over it if sobriety and working the steps is your number one priority. Relationships are part of life, not part of recovery. If you want to get involved, go for it, it won't have any effect on whether you stay sober or not because other people were never the cause of your drinking in the first place.

But what kind of relationship can you have with someone who can't deal with life without a lot of chemical help. He may not be alcoholic, but that kind of life is so far below what is now possible for you that I am amazed you would even consider it. Don't settle for second best. I am sure God has something better in mind if you will only take it easy and trust in him/her.

IOAA2

A stoner??????????????

doggonecarl

The challenge isn't what to do; you know what to do. The challenge will be not doing the things that will displace recovery from being the number one priority.

The hardest thing is usually the right thing. Focus on your recovery.

Soberwolf

I think you done the right thing regarding your ex do set boundries i have a no alcohol rule in my home

This happened to me also a lot of ppl were relapsing when i was month 13 and i really was worried thinking is this normal will it happen to me too ?

I was told that relapse is part of our addiction not part of our recvovery i took that and thought its nothing to do with my recovery and here i am today at month 20 and i still wouldnt drink even if you offered me all the money in the world

Dont be scared of relapsing know it happens but it doesnt have to happen to you if you stay focused on your recovery

Venecia

For many, many good reasons, the common wisdom in recovery is that we shouldn't even THINK about entering a relationship until we've amassed a good, solid year of recovery.

Two weeks with this stoner who jeopardizes your sobriety and in you're in love?

I think it's time for some hard-core soul-searching about your sobriety and recovery. And time to break up before any damage can be done. This man and your path to a healthy life are not compatible.

zjw

its hard to walk that fine line sometimes. On one side we have drinking and such and all that comes with it. the good the bad the ugly etc.. Overall that side is a fairly negative side only saving grace that side offers is the intoxication aspect that can numb you or distract you form just how crappy it really is. And generally you require more of that so you can continue on that side.

The other side you make proper choices its hard as well. Its not easy. its an over all more positive side but there is no option for substances to numb you or distract you from the rough spots. But one could eat healthy exercise find some more holsum activities in an effort to keep there cup full of smiles etc...

Both sides are hard. Neither is really easy. But the one offers a more positive and healthy existance for us and those around us.

I did the drinking route for years it was great at first then it got worse and well sucked for years.

I'm trying the other way now. the other end of hte spectrum its indeed better over all. But i wont lie I ponder a little bender here and there But I realize its no solution. I know where that path ultimately leads. So each time I choose to stay sober its another victory for me.

whatever you choose it wont be easy. But I think ultimatly you'll be happier and healthier if you remain sober. when you surround yourself with more positive stuff you'll feel even better.

anattaboy

Yup, I'm no Dr. phil or drew but Sobriety must be a priority.

Hawkeye13

You most likely are too new and fragile in your own sobriety to have the emotional resilience and resources to build a healthy "normal" relationship right now.

I think you know that because you are posting your concern, and rightly so.

Secondly, trying to build such a relationship with someone who is substance addicted themselves
is not the person to attempt this with, no matter how wonderful these first two weeks have felt.

You say in your post "he uses marijuana multiple times a day," so yes, I would describe someone who smokes weed multiple times in a day as a "stoner"
At least that's what we call it around here. Too many red flags, don't you think?

You're already having doubts.
Trust you gut and protect your sobriety!