jessie65

Hi all,

I'm on this board often, just don't post much. I guess just reading here makes me feel not so alone in my struggles. There's really nobody I can talk to in my life that understands.

I've been on this board since 2009 I believe, could be 2008, not even sure now. I've had multiple usernames because I can never remember my password (or even my username since I've registered drunk so many times) I've basically tried to quit every day for all these years.
I've stayed sober weeks at a time, even months, but I always go back. I Know I have a problem with alcohol, I believe I'm an alcoholic, but when the craving strikes (mental obsession, never physical) I give in to it.
What's one more day right?

I've battled depression & anxiety for years, and the alcohol those first few drinks anyway, let me escape the black cloud for a couple hours. Otherwise I can find no relief. (yes, I exercise daily and eat healthy most days of the week)
The next morning after drinking my state of mind is much worse. I know this even while I'm considering drinking. I'm in a battle with myself, one second I'll say NO I'm not drinking and mean it, the next I'm just deciding to drink, it's mind boggling how fast my mind is going, I will, I won't, I will..

This never ends. I've seen doctors here & there in my years of drinking, nobody was able to help me for the long run because I guess I'm not ready. I'm not young either so maybe I'm just one of those people that will never know the joys of long term sobriety.

I'm not a daily drinker, but I binge at least a few times a month. I know it will catch up to me health wise if it hasn't already. The shame of how much I drink is on my shoulders though constantly, I'm a mother of teens.

So anyway, just needed to talk I guess, 5 days today but that's nothing for me, like I said I've gone months a few times, but then just go right back.
What worked for all of you to finally stay quit?

Soberwolf

Hello Jessie for me it was acceptance i cant drink safely or responsibly i had enough of landing on my butt and thinking how did i end up here again ?

& it was always because of alcohol so now no matter what now i do not drink when you feel the way you do after a couple months do you reach out first

better yet are you putting your all into sobriety have you got a rock solid sober plan ?

In the beginning sobriety became everything to me & still to this day nothing comes before my sobriety

Congrats on day 5 bud

jessie65

I know for a fact that I cannot drink safely, but it does not stop the obsession. It doesn't stop the need I feel to escape. I've actually found myself saying 'I'll deal with it tomorrow', meaning I know I'll wake up mad at the world, even more depressed, possibly hung over, but at that moment I'm thinking it's worth it.
It never is, but I can't seem to see that reasoning when the craving is so strong.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Jessie and thanks for sharing your story. Many of us struggled for years as well and had a lot of bumps in the road. Drinking is not inevitable though, you have proof of that from your stretches of sobriety.

One thing many people don't realize at first is that sobtiety is not as simple as quitting, and then just "not drinking". It requires work...every day. What that "work"'is varies from person to person, but just like anyting in life that is worth having, it's not just going to happen.

Have you considered meetig based recovery? Or perhaps joining one of the daily/class threads here? Keep trying and you will succeed.

newlifecy

Go to meetings, get a sponser, work the steps.

SoberLeigh

Welcome back to SR, Jessie.

You can make it stick this time.

As SW said, realization and acceptance are key - finding that 'finally, once and for all, never to go back again' moment where you realize and accept that you cannot have just one drink, that moderation of any kind is impossible, that alcohol has nothing of true value to offer you in your life.

As Scott said, recovery is more than simply quitting alcohol; for me, it involved peeling away the layers of my alcoholism to find true healing so that long-term sobriety and recovery were possible.

Glad you found SR.

zjw

initially i quit just to see if it would help with the panic attacks i was having. when the panic attacks eased off i figured i should stay quit even tho to be honest I felt pretty crummy. I rally didnt like being sober but I didnt like daily drinking either. I figured i was basicly screwed. I kept going one day at a time just because. then it started to get noticebly better and I simply stay quit because I did not wnat to go back to that hell.

Now I think about drinking from time to time to easy some stress etc.. But I realize i get pretty stupid after I have 1 drink and i'd just be asking for it so I stay sober.

NYCDoglvr

Hi Jessie .....

I came within a very close brush with death and saw clearly it was either stay sober or die. Went to AA on my hands & knees with what's called the "gift of desperation". Fear has kept me sober because while I know I have another drink in me, I doubt I have another recovery. I took suggestions even though I hated AA at first and am still, after 23 years, an agnostic. Some people can stay sober on their own, but I couldn't stay stopped without the support of other drunks. They say AA is a program for those who want it, not a program for those who need it. I still don't drink today. I've also been treated for depression throughout my recovery; I need both a shrink and AA to stay alive.

brynn

Jessie...I used to believe that I was doomed to be a drunk....that it was somehow my destiny because I couldn't fathom the thought of actually NOT drinking...of Not giving in to the cravings!
But guess what? I was wrong! Yay!
You are no more destined to be a drunk than I was! Once I put down the bottle I was able to start really living the life I was truly destined for. It's a courageous act to put down the bottle. And that courageous act is a stepping stone for other courageous acts. It's the first step to the rest of your life, Jessie!

doggonecarl

Not drinking is the best way to stay quit.

I accepted that I couldn't drink. Ever. I accepted that quitting wasn't going to be easy. I accepted the difficulty and was determined that struggling with recovery wasn't a free pass to relapsing. I'd struggle, but I'd struggle sober.

I also listened to the people who had attained sobriety. I wasn't going to repeat the mistakes of past.

Notimetoloose

Hi Jessie, before I stopped drinking, I kept trying, which is exhausting but not as exhausting as continuing to drink...one of the thoughts I continually had towards the end of my drinking was how ineffective alcohol was at relieving my stress, anxiety and depression.

I was a daily drinker so I had alcohol induced depression and anxiety.

For a few short hours I would be okay, (albeit telling myself this would be my last drink ever!!!)
The anxiety would return with a force and in the small hours of the morning I would question my existence and be back to where I was only a few hours earlier. A pointless and soul destroying.)

AVRT helped me a lot along with reading and posting here on SR....More info on AVRT is in the secular section of this site....Take care.

leviathan

you really seem to be hurting. im so sorry.

it seems like you realize the drinking is not doing you any favors except for lifting the cloud for a short period and then making things worse.

maybe you could just completely eliminate it as a course of action, all together. then instead of just not drinking, try new stuff. stuff you havent done before. like new escapes, new people, new sobriety program, new therapist, etc.

in answer to your question, this is what i had to do: 1)quit drinking (wasnt working anyway). 2) start researching what WAS worth living for (for me this includes nurturing my personal relationships, getting into nature when able, and enjoying hobbies and art again) 3) im still teaching myself to pick my battles and not sweat the small stuff (insert serenity prayer here). -also, mindfulness is more than just a fad. it really is almost everything.

if your depression is unrelenting, you probably need help from a professional. if you have one, he/she may not be the right fit.

everyone deserves to be happy and fulfilled. you sound like you are overdue. alcohol does not work. something, or a combination of somethings will.

lacey424

I am the same way. I have gone months, a year even, and the mental obsession never eased up. Have you tried campral? I just started it over a week ago and have had no cravings at all.