Squashing Regret...
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Squashing Regret...
That title has a double meaning. It's what I feel, and it's what I wish I could do. Here at 6 weeks sober, regret, guilt, and shame are hitting me square in the face. In the past, I always remembered things I'd said or done, but this last go round with the booze was a complete blur. I did things, and had conversations, about which I remember nothing at all. I know that's common among many alcoholics, but it's totally new to me. I want no part of it, ever again.
I went back to my job today, after a 6 week absence. It was awkward to say the least, and they were not exactly nice to me. Lots of threats and demands. I may still lose the job, but all I can do is my best, and this time I'm doing it sober. It's not the first time, but it is the first time my secret has been completely exposed. They're going to be watching me like a hawk now!
I went back to my job today, after a 6 week absence. It was awkward to say the least, and they were not exactly nice to me. Lots of threats and demands. I may still lose the job, but all I can do is my best, and this time I'm doing it sober. It's not the first time, but it is the first time my secret has been completely exposed. They're going to be watching me like a hawk now!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi there.
Yeah these parts of early recovery suck big time... I remember well and doubt I will ever forget. I'm sorry that you are dealing with all this now, but as you are probably well aware now, there is no way around it but through. The emotional stuff (guilt, shame, etc) -- here I think talking with others that understand is a very good first step... I recall you had an addictions counselor, is that still on? I found great relief and help in therapy with these types of things... still do when I need it. And also in interacting with people with longer term sobriety and a lot of experience, as well as with people who were at a similar stage as myself -- these were probably the best for me in relation to my recovery. I did it here on SR. Very meaningful and typically mutually helpful friendships. Of course if you are going to work the program of AA, that's the ultimate dealing with it for many people.
As for the job situation, for me that was probably the greatest incentive for both getting sober and staying sober/improving my attitude and performance. I was very attached to my job at the time so this worked well for me. I just told myself, there is no way, NO WAY to screw up or to drink again because then even if my employer did not fire me, the guilt might kill me. I actually think the guilt was good to have in the very early days. Not pleasant of course, but useful as a source of motivation, and I had tons of it. I was also very insecure at first after many months of irresponsible behavior, not showing up, not doing what I was supposed to do... felt bad just to be there around people. But good news, it only lasted for a couple weeks, then everything became much easier because I really made efforts. The action thing truly works to transform our emotional state. So if I were you (if you want to keep the job), I would try to do my best (as much as possible) and be humble, not argue with anyone, not rebel. They will trust you again and the past will fade sooner than you would think if you keep up the work.
I also suggest that you get into the AA step work asap since that's what you chose to follow this time. Don't wait, you already have a sponsor that seems good, there is no reason to sit on it. Go to many meetings so that you are not alone. And be good to yourself, try to relax maybe in some new ways.
It's a great opportunity for you to really transform your life and yourself, please grab it, I am sure you know that not everyone gets a similar chance. You can absolutely make this work now that you are much more out of the denial and feel the impact intensely!
I completely believe you can do this
Yeah these parts of early recovery suck big time... I remember well and doubt I will ever forget. I'm sorry that you are dealing with all this now, but as you are probably well aware now, there is no way around it but through. The emotional stuff (guilt, shame, etc) -- here I think talking with others that understand is a very good first step... I recall you had an addictions counselor, is that still on? I found great relief and help in therapy with these types of things... still do when I need it. And also in interacting with people with longer term sobriety and a lot of experience, as well as with people who were at a similar stage as myself -- these were probably the best for me in relation to my recovery. I did it here on SR. Very meaningful and typically mutually helpful friendships. Of course if you are going to work the program of AA, that's the ultimate dealing with it for many people.
As for the job situation, for me that was probably the greatest incentive for both getting sober and staying sober/improving my attitude and performance. I was very attached to my job at the time so this worked well for me. I just told myself, there is no way, NO WAY to screw up or to drink again because then even if my employer did not fire me, the guilt might kill me. I actually think the guilt was good to have in the very early days. Not pleasant of course, but useful as a source of motivation, and I had tons of it. I was also very insecure at first after many months of irresponsible behavior, not showing up, not doing what I was supposed to do... felt bad just to be there around people. But good news, it only lasted for a couple weeks, then everything became much easier because I really made efforts. The action thing truly works to transform our emotional state. So if I were you (if you want to keep the job), I would try to do my best (as much as possible) and be humble, not argue with anyone, not rebel. They will trust you again and the past will fade sooner than you would think if you keep up the work.
I also suggest that you get into the AA step work asap since that's what you chose to follow this time. Don't wait, you already have a sponsor that seems good, there is no reason to sit on it. Go to many meetings so that you are not alone. And be good to yourself, try to relax maybe in some new ways.
It's a great opportunity for you to really transform your life and yourself, please grab it, I am sure you know that not everyone gets a similar chance. You can absolutely make this work now that you are much more out of the denial and feel the impact intensely!
I completely believe you can do this
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
@Haennie,
I don't see the addictions counselor I used to see because I didn't really get much help from her. She turned out to be more of a friend, someone to shoot the breeze with, than a counselor. Constantly being asked, "Well, what do you think you should do?" just wasn't cutting it anymore. The counselor I have been seeing is actually more effective but she is not licensed as an addictions counselor. She's working on that, according to what she told me today on the phone, but she's not quite there yet.
I will be going to several AA meetings/week and meeting with my sponsor at least once/week. I expect I'll be talking to him pretty much every day. We began working on the steps this past Sunday, one day after getting back from rehab. So, I'm not going to be dropping the ball. I want this to work!
I don't see the addictions counselor I used to see because I didn't really get much help from her. She turned out to be more of a friend, someone to shoot the breeze with, than a counselor. Constantly being asked, "Well, what do you think you should do?" just wasn't cutting it anymore. The counselor I have been seeing is actually more effective but she is not licensed as an addictions counselor. She's working on that, according to what she told me today on the phone, but she's not quite there yet.
I will be going to several AA meetings/week and meeting with my sponsor at least once/week. I expect I'll be talking to him pretty much every day. We began working on the steps this past Sunday, one day after getting back from rehab. So, I'm not going to be dropping the ball. I want this to work!
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
I'm in that emotional space now where every memory stings, and everything reminds me of something I've lost, mostly in regard to my kids. They live deep in my heart.
The sensation I feel reminds me of when I was young and would touch a 9-volt battery to my tongue. That's what it feels like in my gut with each reminiscence.
One of the things I learned in rehab is that addicts have conditioned themselves to self-medicate pain. Escapism. Instant gratification. What we have to learn how to do is just stand still and hurt sometimes, and learn how to deal with it instead of trying to numb it. Numbing it, in the end, only makes it hurt worse than ever. And that's the hurt I feel now.
The sensation I feel reminds me of when I was young and would touch a 9-volt battery to my tongue. That's what it feels like in my gut with each reminiscence.
One of the things I learned in rehab is that addicts have conditioned themselves to self-medicate pain. Escapism. Instant gratification. What we have to learn how to do is just stand still and hurt sometimes, and learn how to deal with it instead of trying to numb it. Numbing it, in the end, only makes it hurt worse than ever. And that's the hurt I feel now.
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