Berrybean

Watching myself deal with financial anxiety this morning. Being such a fool. I've worked out how much I need to get me through to the end of the month, and have managed to put off checking my bank balance for over an hour. Hot/cold sweats. Heart racing. Lalalalaing my head off.


Wishing there was someone here to take me in hand and MAKE me do it, but also know that I need to learn (at last) to take that responsibility for myself. I can do this. I got sober and faced so many of my demons. Why is this one so flippin' hard??!!

Kate15

It can be hard to face fears no matter how big or small. And as a person who has faced many fears and anxieties myself I understand how you may be feeling.

If you have been able to know how much you have to the end of the month then you sound like you have a certain level of control over things.

Think of the relief you will feel from the anxiety once you look. Good or bad, it will be one step closer to feeling better.

I wish I could help you more than just these words.

GracieLou

Because you can't control the outcome. Once you look you feel you have lost control but in reality, you never had any to begin with.

I did and still do this with many things in my life, if I just don't deal with it thinking it will either go away OR I can make it into something else. Both of these are in my head and are not the truth. Doesn't stop me from doing them though but I am getting better.

It does not go away. I may be able to stuff it down for a time but it is still there. I am just ignoring it but I find it comes out in other ways. I use to drink to drown it, now I eat or sleep.

Facing things does not always mean I have to solve them right then, I may not be physically, mentally or financially able to, but acknowledging them is a big start. I can say "I have this problem, I don't know what to do about it yet but I know it is there and I am not hiding from it".

Then I turn to others and my HP to help me. Sometimes I don't solve the problem but sharing it takes a huge burden off me. I don't feel alone and many times I do get suggestions that make sense and I can apply those suggestions if I choose to.

Berrybean

Thanks so much for that.
I read this while sitting with emotional tears and a wave of exhaustion after finally going on-line to check my bank balance and seeing that there is (just) enough there to cover myself til pay day. All that stress and worry for no reason.

I am going to put your words in my diary now so that I can find them easily when next in this state.

Berrybean

PS Before I managed to go online I steeled myself with the words from Amazing Grace, and then another amazing GracieLou comes along. xx

Dee74

I was about to say I don't think this is so much about responsibility as it is fear

I got a lot better at dealing with things the more sober time I had...

the fear I used to have of not being able to cope was demonstrably proven untrue by the times I did cope, sober.

The fear I had of things I could not control was tempered eventually by the fact that I dealt with everything that came my way - sometimes I had to make payment plans and stuff, but I made it

Some of those times I may have not gotten through terribly gracefully, but I got through - you can too Beccybean.

D

Berrybean

Thanks Dee.

I've always been fearful of finances and went for about 5 years or so not opening any post as all. I hid it all in a big box (made possible by my home being a complete squalid tip as I didn't tidy or clean). You would never have guessed this looking at me when I was out and about as I kept myself presentable. I spent as much time out of the house (usually in bars / pubs) as possible, and put people and family off of visiting, getting defensive and nasty if they came over unannounced. I stopped visiting others because I feared a return visit, and consequently compounded my alcoholic isolation from friends and family. I have now broken out of this cycle. I have a tiny little flat that I keep clean, tidy and welcoming. I was happy and pleased for my freinds, my sponsor, my family (including my brother who I have recently been in touch with after many years silence and a whole lifetime of resentment and jealousy towards him) to visit me at home.

I think that the fear around finances if maybe tied up in the fear of ever slipping back into that state. I see that it is really important to live up to my responsibilities if I want to keep my little sanctuary as it is, and foster those relationships which I almost threw away for good.

Fear is definitely the issue. xxx

sugarbear1

every time I walked through a fear, I became a little bit stronger for the next situation....

sending you love and hugs