Kate15

Today I am realising that the urge to get high is bigger than me. I am scared. I am tired of thinking about it, tired of the voices arguing about do or not do.

I am scared and sad. I feel broken, defective. I feel like this can't be my life. This can't be real, surely I can wake up in a minute and this handbrake will come off and I can just loose myself again.

But I can't. I should be simple, it sounds simple. Just don't drink or get wasted in any way.

I thought it would be less hard core than this because today I want to get wasted almost much as I don't want to. I am scared I can't do this.

Its almost bed time, yet I am dreading tomorrow and having to do this all again...and the tomorrow after that, and the one after that.

I just don't know how to fill this hole in me and I weirdly, strangely am embarrassed for not knowing even what to do, even though there is no reason why I should at this point know.

Feeling like a big loser right now.

24hrsAday

we are here for you.. keep talking.

Kate15

it feels like the longer I go sober the more it is wearing me down and making realise that I perhaps have a very tenuous hold on sobriety.

I think I thought I could stop and stay stopped for a while, maybe for life (but I was not sure).

I am finding that i am enjoying being clear headed and waking up feeling good and not making a dick of myself. But I am also noticing how strong the pull is to destroy what is good.

It is confusing and it hurts. I don't want to hurt myself, yet I almost feel like I can't help but do that.

Kate15

I feel like I bursting open and I can't hold any of the facade back anymore.

I am just sitting in the lounge room, tv on, crying, writing here and trying to not cry loudly so I don't wake my friend.

Thank you for saying you are here for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

24hrsAday

it's what we do..

Kate15

I just went to the loo and realised that I really don't want to get high, I just don't know how to be sober.

I guess that is a good thing, because at least I know I can start learning how to manage the emotions that I feel rather than push them aside.

I feel so emotional I feel like I want to be sick. sweating and crying. didn't expect this was what tonight would be like..... bloody hell.

Better out than in I suppose - the emotion not the vomit :-)

Dave36

Hey Kate. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I wish I knew what to tell you. I'm newly sober and finally not feeling like death. I'm afraid of long term challenges like you're deal with. I'm in a good place now but I know it won't last forever. Is there anything you can do to get out of your head for awhile?

Dee74

You're not alone Kate - lots of friends to help here
No one goes into recovery knowing how to live sober...but we learn, day by day.

Change is a process, not an event - it's ok to be scared but you can have a little faith too - it'll be ok

D

Kate15

Thanks Dave, I actually think I just need to cry this one out. I think I have been holding on a bit lately and my usual mode is 'I am ok, I got this, I am tough enough to deal with stuff on my own.'

So writing here saying I am not is hard to do, I feel ashamed of myself. And I am just confused. But confused is ok because it means I don't know the answer so I must look for something new to end my confusion....it means I have an opportunity to learn something about this situation.

I appreciate your support and that you wrote to me. It means a lot. Thank you.

Kate15

Thanks Dee, I guess I am always in a bit of hurry to know and just get on with it.

But I can't rush this, and I just don't know the next thing for me - except just take another breath and maybe make a cup of tea and get the tissues, these tears may not stop for a bit (which is ok, they need to fall this time).

Kate15

It is kind of trippy that you folk (virtual strangers) know more about my emotions tonight than the people I love and call friends and family.

Life is super weird sometimes.

But even if I woke them and spoke of this, it probably would not be so useful because I would go back to being 'I am ok' and the feelings would retract again and the charade would continue and I would continue to feel stuffed together.

Dave36

People just can't understand unless they been through it. People can be awesome and supportive but it's something you can never really explain to a "normal person"

Kate15

Just made a cup of herbal tea and thought, 'wish it was a whiskey'.

but I am glad it is not.

Kate15

So it seems Dave. The couple of friends I have spoke to briefly are supportive, they have seen this struggle in me and back what I want to do. But to really lay it out with all the emotion behind it, I just can't seem to trust them to get that.

I think they hear me when I say I drink too much but I have never really spelt out to them amounts and time frames. Though they probably know more than I give them credit for.

I am glad to be here and have people like you at a time like this. Thanks again.

Dave36

I ocasionally hit spots of HUGE depression out of nowhere during an otherwise fine day when the idea of never being able to have a drink for the rest of my life crosses my mind. For a while it seems like what the hells the point of living. This isn't life being sober and miserable. But it's better than the alternative. It passes though and I feel better

Kate15

I am feeling calmer now too. Not so overwhelmed by myself. Lots to sort out in myself though.

So glad this forum could catch my rant. Don't feel so isolated now.

Kate15

That pretty much sums up my day today. Except I would add depression + freak out :-)

Sudz No More

I'm glad you made it through a tough moment, it's hard early on and the best you can do is keep trying. I am proof though that you can make it past the intense mental cravings that most of us get in the early days. As hard as we all know it is you just have to make it a few months without a drop and you will start to see those tough cravings go away. They don't last forever, I don't get those bad ones at all anymore but it did take me over 6 months to see them really lessen.

Just remind yourself the next time you really are struggling that you can't get to the finish line if you keep stopping half way there. Stay the course and you will see the end. Keep trying and keep writing here, you're not alone.

Kate15

great words, thanks.

dsmaxis10

AA big book we have no defense against the first drink, are defense must come from a Higher Power