thomas11

Hello, I've been reading this site for months and joined last night, chickened out on posting. Today is my first. I apologize in advance for the long post, but feel it necessary. Reading about today's deaths has made me want to reach out a bit. I'm in my late 40's, happily married, own a small company in a construction related business, no kids.

Alcoholism is in my family and I was raised around it but always had other things going on that were more important to me, until about 8 years ago. I started drinking EVERY weekend, then daily after work for quite sometime. After a few years of that my wife came down on me (and she was right) and we established some new house rules on drinking which I adhered to. Only drink on Friday/Saturday and Thursday afternoon occasionally. Not drinking during the week and being sober the entire week was/is great. I had all the positive things that went along with it, and business improved. Now, last winter my wife was laid off and went to care for her sick father in California. Yeehaw, free for all time! (we don't work much in the winter months) The fun and games of that freedom lasted about two weeks before I realized I was in trouble. Drank around the clock, binge watched Netflix etc...I knew I was in trouble but at that point I simply COULD NOT STOP. The only thing I could think of was a drink to help me feel better. When my wife got back I eventually pulled myself out of it but went through hell with the withdrawals, and it didn't happen overnight. I took me about 6 weeks to stop drinking on Sunday/Monday. You get the picture. Once I did straighten back out I even went the doctor to make sure I didn't cause myself any damage, all tests came back normal. I decided I needed to stick to the rules very strictly and I did and I have. But here is my dilemma, I'm not totally convinced I don't have an issue with alcohol. First let me say, I don't fight with my wife, I don't go to bars, I don't gamble, I don't argue, I don't drink when I'm out to dinner or at parties. I'm pretty darn mellow. But even the couple days I decompress with a few drinks is effecting something that is important to me and that is my health and fitness. I like to run 4-5 times a week just to try and stay sharp, but on Sundays I know that I am experiencing mild withdrawals, not hangover but mild withdrawal. Heartbeat is very strong, no appetite to speak of, and the kicker is a shortness of breath. Monday's and sometimes Tuesday's workout are pure hell. Its like I have not run a day in my life. I can hardly breath. By thursday and friday I'm humming along great but then its time to "have a few cocktails". And the cycle repeats. It hasn't always been this way, just lately. Also, I don't have the alcoholic voice like I did last winter. I'm home alone almost all the time with little to do in the winter and I have no problem not drinking. There is booze in the house and I could very easily dip into it, as I did last year

I also feel so much compassion for others on this site that seem to really really be struggling, and I know what that is like. I certainly don't want to die. So I am asking those who know so much more than I whether or not I have a problem, am I an alcoholic etc...Thanks in advance.

MelindaFlowers

Hi Thomas,

It sounds like you have reached the point with your drinking that I reached probably two years ago. I couldn't drink (any amount) really without experiencing withdrawals. I didn't think of them as withdrawals at the time because I was going to work and "functioning." I think I knew what they were but if I admitted it to myself than that might mean I had to actually stop drinking and I wasn't having any of that.

I used to think that alcohol withdrawals meant squirming around in bed and hallucinating - totally incapacitated. No, that's not true. As you know, withdrawals mean more heart palpitations, sweating easily, trembling hands, nervousness, anxiety, etc.

When we get to that point there is no option but to just stop. The way I felt every day finally eclipsed my need to drink. One particular morning at work stands up to me and haunts me to this day. I was at work around 8 am, hungover to the gills (like every other day) but this day was different. I was checking email and could barely concentrate enough to read through a sentence. I felt the incredible urge to pace around the room. It felt like the only way to inhale a satisfying breath. If I was sitting still it felt like I might have a heart attack. This continued throughout the day - pacing, sweating (a cold sweat), and wondering if I might keel over and die at any minute. I calmed my symptoms that night by what other than......drinking.

Drinking wasn't fun anymore. I didn't even get buzzed anymore. Alcohol stopped working. I think it's kind of a blessing in disguise when alcohol stops working for us because it makes it easier to quit. When it still "worked" I don't know if I ever could have stopped.

I had to finally want to be sober more than I wanted to drink and I stopped. It wasn't easy but I was finally able.

Gal220

You're going to hate this answer, but I think you're the only one who can decide whether or not you have a problem. I don't think labels are important. I also don't think you can always judge whether someone has a problem with alcohol based on behaviors.

I lived a normal seeming life while I was drinking. I never drank in public. I didn't always "have" to drink. I had a great job as a teacher. My family didn't even know I drank at all. I didn't have withdrawals and wasn't (yet) physically addicted to alcohol.

But I knew I had a problem when I tried to quit. I wanted to drink even though I knew I shouldn't. As I started going through the process of quitting, I began learning more about myself and realized I drank to escape emotions and that once I started drinking I wanted more and more. Sometimes I could make myself stop, but sometimes I couldn't.

I had a problem and call myself an alcoholic because I believed I had a problem. I didn't always think so. I often had doubts, sometimes still do after 7 years of sobriety. But there is no good reason to go back to drinking. So I don't. I go to AA and come on here to remind myself that I don't want to drink.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Soberintexas007

It seems that alcohol is affecting you by taking you away from your normal fitness routines. And although this may seem minor to most people, this type of thing can bring depression into your life because you do not feel healthy and are unable to maintain your body how you want it. You are fortunate that the alcohol is not causing you relational problems yet, but it does seem you would be better off without alcohol.

In my personal story, alcohol caused me to eat more and gain weight, as I also was unable to work out during hangovers. This was a major factor in me quitting drinking, as I just could not be the weight I wanted while drinking, since I drank too much and then ate a lot.

Gottalife

If when you honestly want to you find yourself unable to stop entirely or if, when you start drinking you have little control of the amount you take, you are probably alcohlic.

thomas11

Thank you. My little stint last winter was enough to scare the daylights out of me. I'm afraid I agree with you and whether I'm experiencing a kindling effect or my brain has changed etc....I will eventually have to lean towards total abstinence.

thomas11

I think people's relationships with alcohol are like fingerprints or snowflakes, no two are the same. Which brings me to why I originally posted. I need to figure it out, but am looking to hear from others as I would never discuss this with anyone except my wife.

Lastly, am I allow to post words of encouragement or support for others on this site? I would like to.

zjw

I run daily. The fact that I like to run daily also helps me not drink. I cannot take an ibrpofin or a benadryl or something and not have it adversly affect my running. I watch my eating like a hawk as certain foods will also adversly affect my running and fitness. Maybe I'm nuts But I kinda got a good little routine and I just humm right along with it. But it was not always like that. I was 100+lbs heavier a 2 pack a day smoker and a heavy drinker for years.

Like you I got along with my wife for a while i followed some drinking ground rules but in the last I dunno 5 years of my drinking I became rather unhinged. I have a lot of not yets. I never got a DUI. I never really had some horrible alcohol related issue other then a few scares with being a bit too drunk and getting sick. Then I got horrible withdrawels and panic attacks that pushed me over the edge and I quit etc..

My point is if you realize that its messing with your running game why bother with it? If its difficult for you to just put it down and not bother with it then yes you may have an issue.

I realized with running early on sure a lot of it is about how fit you are or something but there are so many things you can do or not do to make your life so much easier when it comes to running. IE eating proper foods getting proper rest and staying away from drugs and alcohol of all kinds etc..

Coldfusion

That's how this site works--the more you post, the more you get!

Serotonin

I don't really have any real advice. I personally believe if I question whether I have a problem with something, chances are I do. Welcome to SR.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Thomas!!

Jupiters

I think that's a great way to look at it Thomas
no 2 people are the same in regards to that. When I joined, I wasn't sure I was an "alcoholic" either (which is actually funny considering I have TWO DUIS...yes 2)
But I was a binge drinker. I could stop for weeks and months at a time! I don't drink every day. I don't wake up wanting a drink.
I didn't have a problem! Not me, I'm special.
uh uh. Nothing could have been further from the truth.
The minute I stopped trying to label myself and just accepted and admitted that alcohol was doing absolutely nothing productive or good for me, in fact, every horrible, stupid, bad decision I ever made was because of it...the better off I was
stick around - and do encourage people! That's what this place is all about.

Dee74

Welcome Thomas

I'm not going to label you either but it certainly sounds like drinking is detrimental to your well-being.

I absolutely think your health and fitness would benefit from you being abstinent...and I wager you'll find other benefits too

D

Soberwolf

Nice to meet you Thomas

least

Welcome to the family! It sounds like alcohol is causing you problems. If so, it would be best to live sober. Not easy, but simple.

Hevyn

It's great to meet you Thomas.

If you're like many of us, once it's in your system there's no predicting what might happen. Last winter proved that you definitely have cause for concern. I started out with a few warning incidents like that, but I chose to ignore them. Insisted I could use willpower to control the amounts I drank. Decades later I was drinking every day, completely dependent on it. It's good that you're taking a hard look at how it changes you & where it leads you. Glad you are with us.

thomas11

huh, I'm overwhelmed right now. I had no idea how much a little encouragement and just "talking" with you all has boosted the needle towards total sobriety. I love my weekdays sober, but I also truly enjoy relaxing with some booze. I would be lying to say otherwise.
I know this, if it ever interferes with my life again or becomes "work", its over. Don't want it, don't need it.

courage2

thomas, as others have said here, alcoholism is a self-diagnosed disease. But you don't have to be an alcoholic to want to quit drinking. My husband isn't an alcoholic, but as he got into his late 40s and early 50s, he recognized that even moderate consumption made him feel ...moderately... crappy afterward. And gradually over the last few years he's become almost entirely abstinent.

Given your history, and the after-effects you get from your alcohol use now, maybe you should think about why you need booze to get the relaxation you want.

NoJimmy

I can identify with your situation. My pattern was similar, I drink to decompress from a stressful job Fri/Sat. I'm Also late 40's, heavily involved in fitness, and I also started noticing I wasn't 100% until Wed each week. Seems crazy I that I impeded myself for so long, but like many, my threshold for what constituted "too much" was a moving target.

I can tell you that the above wasn't the reason I quit, it was an out of control episode that did. I struggled with the idea of weather or not I truly had a problem. At the end of the day I decided that didn't matter, only that my life would be improved to not drink anymore. Made that decision end of Oct 2013, and while life isn't perfect, it is vastly improved.

Kate15

Hey Thomas, nice to meet you. I think this sums it up for me too. I wish you well.