bigsombrero

Sounds like you have some exciting things happening! Florida sounds like it will be a great experience. Always fun to get your hands dirty in a new place, and a break from routine (and cold weather) should be a good kickstart. I love Florida as well - in my early years getting started as a sports journalist I took a low-paying job at a start up newspaper down there. My paycheck was so small that to save money I lived in a trailer park in Central Florida. The trailer park was hell, but getting out and covering outdoor stories about wildlife was always fun. I remember a trip on Lake Jesup on a fan boat, doing a story about alligators and the ecology of the lake there on the St. Johns River. Loved it! Today, Florida is actually my "home state" as I have an address there for tax purposes.

Enjoy the trip, and the work, sounds like a really fun experience!

Aellyce

Hi, dear friends.

Just a little update. I'm in this place in Florida now that I've been coming to in three consecutive years, primary reason always work (they have a great experimental facility here that we don't have in NY); this is the third year... very interesting progression.

First time when I was here, I was deep in my drinking problem. All I did really was just mustering up enough energy and fake motivation each day to do my experiments... but I had very little true interest. Then I would go back to my place and drink myself to oblivion, or sometimes do the same "socially" with a few other people from here.

Second time I was here a little less than a year ago, about 2 months sober. Sometimes very insecure, anxious and stressed, other times in "highs" of mood I never experienced before... the usual roller coaster of early sobriety I believe. I even went through a series of personal life conflicts here last year: I was in a crisis state with my long-term partner (now ex) and at the same time "getting deeper into our friendship" with someone here (I met him in year one but then we remained strictly work colleagues). Then my gf (the ex I'm referring to above) showed up unexpectedly and the plans I made with the "friend" here fell out of the window. How typical is that for someone newly sober but still in the mind of a drunk really?

This year is different again. I actually did not plan to come here this year but it was an opportunity to get some work done for a study that needs to be completed asap, and the place here has the equipment for it. So I'm here. All weird (unfamiliar, compared to the previous two years I guess) and pretty "normal" (familiar compared to my feelings and attitudes many years ago) at the same time. Just started up the experiments this week. The old drinking buddies from my first year here seem to remember something very intensely because whenever I run into them, they chase me around with "party plans". It seems like not much has changed in their world. When I am not planning or doing experiments, I'm looking into training opportunities either online or in NYC... I decided I want to get formal qualification and a new certificate/degree that would open up avenues I'm very interested in... not as a complete change, just part time for the time being. So reading online and talking to people here who have insight into this. And the "good friend" I mentioned from previous years... Still here. Still the quiet and thoughtful person I got to know when we first met. We still get along great. And I love this... in the last couple years, my friendships and other relationships have been so painfully superficial due to my focus on alcohol, and then for a while on recovery... but I feel much more open now. I don't know... all I can say that spending time with this friend just feels... right. There is nothing excessive, crazy, twisted, out of control... no madness. We just get along great and effortlessly it seems -- I had this impression already last year but much stronger now. There is always so much depth in every interaction we are having. And it seems to be good for both of us.

I'm having a very stressful week now otherwise... new experiments, plus I need to finish up an article and submit it by Monday... and I'm just getting sick. With a cold-like something. I guess stress plays havoc with our immune system. Or we are just more likely to catch bugs through a lot of human social interaction and traveling. Anyhow, if I don't get much sicker, my friend (above; also a biologist and also in the neurosciences right now) and I plan to spend the coming weekend down in the Everglades. This is through an ecologist / evolutionary biologist I know here, they study wildlife in Southern Florida. I hope my cold or whatever won't get much worse; well if it does, I have a few more weekends here.

Btw, I'm still in awe with how much this thread and your responses on it have helped me. The past ~2-3 weeks have been packed with important (and often hard) realizations for me, and I really needed it.

Aellyce

As for the psychoanalysis. I met my prospective analyst before I took off to here. My current therapist in NYC introduced us. Surprisingly (or not?) we (prospective analyst and me) started talking about some quite ordinary stuff initially... like 5-6 mins? Then it was me, like usually, initiating. Don't know why, I got the idea: why don't walk downstairs. Like, 27 floors (in a real building). We did. Why not.
(Take your own conclusion)
I'll continue this part another time

Spacegoat

You're so mysterious!

Aellyce

Aellyce

I actually sent this youtube link ^^ to my prospective psychoanalyst because I think it's a very good representation of me and my current feelings in a few ways. I'm sure he already knows a lot about me, from this act, from our first encounter (above), and from my therapist. And I'm sure (and hope) he knows that a transferential journey with haennie won't be light weight. Not many people in my life could handle it easily, or handle it at all. But I need to, and want to, get to the bottom of all this now... it's been going just too long. I also don't want to hurt more people with what appears to be "being me". We will start on Skype while I'm in Florida. Unusual, but when was I against the unusual? First session this afternoon. So I guess it's time for me to stop labeling him as "prospective". I admit to being quite anxious.

Aellyce

Just an update on this. So I've had a few Skype sessions with this new therapist, and with the new approach. Psychoanalysis also just feels so natural and "at home" for me... just like the existential therapy approach I chose to do during the first year of my sobriety. It's often said that in therapy, it's primarily the relationship what matters. Yeah, agree. BUT, for me at least, CBT (an approach that is all the rage these days) did not work... at all. I find that it's really the combination of suitable theoretical framework and relationship that can heal, in my case at least.

So my new psychoanalyst... I think my previous therapist really knew what a good progressive next step would be for me in my interests and goals (and for him as well, that's another story). This new guy seems to be everything for me to project on... so many things, very rich in my imagination. And I have no problems with discussing it. I think this was also my former therapist's idea about suggesting a more traditional analysis to me. He said to me at some point that he could never use and work around transference the way I obviously can and what seems effortless for me. He said that possible results from working with me might even advance the science associated with psychotherapy/psychoanalysis, because I am so open and unafraid about getting into the interpersonal area. And unlikely to take it "wrong". So he referred me to this new guy, a prominent figure in the field, and who is very interested in transference.

I certainly love being in therapy, in any way. It's a little absurd that I started it at age 40... but now I can see it as something I would want to explore in the rest of my life. All the different approaches, ideas, relationships. I can now see with clarity why some of my psychologist friends told me in the past that I might be the ideal patient that every professional with a certain quality standard and interest in innovation would love to work with. Yeah, I wish I had started earlier in my life..., but now is as good as any

Aellyce

I'm going back to NYC tomorrow. This Florida trip has been quite meaningful and also practically beneficial, but I feel I need to be back home and have a lot to do there right now. Diving back into the snow

Aellyce

Only auburn hair right now. And I'll go see my tattoo artist tomorrow afternoon in NYC

Berrybean

I know lots of 'underachievers'. Basically, I think a lot of them are people who aren't ready to take societies carrot on a stick, because that carrot isn't what they want, and some of the things society labels as an 'achievement' are, quite frankly, uninspiring to them and therefore don't motivate them.

I also think that Maslow's Heirarchy of Need might highlight reason(s) for a shift in priorities from you at the moment. I know, for myself, this first year of sobriety has involved a lot of self-reflection, and priorities that other people struggle to understand. Before I started working through the steps I was quite fragile emotionally as well. So, even though I really wanted to be focussed on my career, and the kids I'm responsible for, a large part of my psychological resources were (and still are to a large degree) taken up with learning how to live sober and happy. Addressing old and new fears and anxieties and learning to deal with them without alcohol. It's a big deal, and, if you look at the Maslow diagram, I'd say that I was operating with a main focus on the (bottom) physical need for a while when getting the alcohol out of my system, and mostly during the rest of the first year I've probably been operating with a focus on the next layers of the pyramid, the psychological needs (in fact the steps are more or less working though those in steps 3 & 4, but I'm still doing step 4 now).

I think we need to work at our sobriety for a fair while before we're going to back on the Self-Actualisation level, with a huge focus on massive career goals and fulfilling our potential.

Just a thought anyway.

Aellyce

Thank you, Beccybean, for this post. You can't imagine how much it resonates with me, in how many ways, and how far it goes. I've been very much into this pyramid and the whole concept for a long time, and made conclusions with its help that really highlight some major parts of my personality and my life. A lot of my problems come from always wanting to be on the "top" of that pyramid... that's what I am interested in. But I often tend to be focused on it so much, mentally, that the base just never got built well enough... or I would let those levels crumble. I definitely have the mentality that I always want to be miles ahead of time... ahead of myself also. This can result in great progress when it comes to innovation... but it also often feeds on it's own flesh, if you see what I mean.

You are absolutely right: I should stay with the "lower levels" for a while and make those solid -- I definitely see myself getting back into the same behavior of running ahead of time...

Again, thank you very much for this. I really needed something like this just now.

Aellyce

Must update again... so excited!

Just got an job interview in Asia. In Singapore... This would be part of that "idea" I alluded to earlier in this thread. How to potentially bring my passions together. The putative job would be an extension of what we already have, and are currently trying to expand, in my NYC occupation. The view (better say, dream ) I have right now is that perhaps we could establish a strong collaboration between these two poles of Earth, based on our shared professional interests. The whole thing is about substance abuse research.

It could potentially also be good for me in my personal life, considering that if I had to shuttle between these poles for work, I could easily stop in my home country in Europe on the way.

The interview in Singapore is in 15 days...

KAD

Congrats, Haennie! That sounds very exciting!

Justincredible

Congrats Haennie! You are so inspiring and have such a captivating writing style. This opportunity you have is amazing, in that you get to travel, have the opportunity to visit your home country, AND work on the frontline of substance abuse research! That would be a dream come true for me. What a reward for working so hard on yourself and recovery. Gives me hope.

Thanks.

Gonnachange

Very happy for you; I hope it works out to your satisfaction.

Aellyce

Thanks, guys.

Justin - special thanks You know... it's really all about dreaming, letting our imaginations fly free (sometimes this will translate "wild" or "inappropriate"). I have not actually worked that hard for my "self-actualization" process (see above) -- it's been rather natural and effortless for me, again, since my very early days of life. One can make up many theories and explanations about the nature of this drive...

The practical reality of all this is what most important, in my opinion. On Earth, that is I have this luck in my personality and in my cognitive and emotional processes, that I'm very present- and future-oriented, and it's always been relatively easy for me to move on from the past, when sober. I do regard this characteristic as a blessing. Here is how it's easy for me to be inspiring. But again, it's just a lucky feature in my temperament/character, I believe. Take the "radiation" of it you can

And be sober yourself, in every way you can

Spacegoat

Agree with Justin there Haennie that does sound like an amazing opportunity and line of work to be in. Living the dream! Well done on that

Justincredible

I think I would need to wear sunblock if I ever met you in person. So radiant!

I can relate to the effortlessness you describe. I remember a friend being jealous because I was "Good at everything", and a sometimes unhealthy competition developed between us into adulthood. I found that I take to things with great ease and am gifted with a sort of a "mental athleticism" to coin a new term, if that makes sense. But not only mentally but physically as well. Lucky, or gifted? Maybe its an obsessive thing, because when I focus on a goal, I can get VERY focused. If I am working in a group I always feel as if I am the most focused, at least I was in my last profession (maybe thats just ego though, the arts & entertainment industry tends to have a lot of that). Getting sober and joining this group here on SR is a time where I am amongst people MORE focused than I on the goal of recovery and I am just soaking it all in.

Great thread!

Aellyce

Thank you guys, that was fun I'm really not that "radiant" though in everyday life... much like any one of us.

Struggling with some paperwork regarding this upcoming Singapore trip. And trying to do more work, or inspire the students for it, so that we can have papers accepted, which in the grand scheme in my business, means funding and security. Also a lot of emotional challenges regarding my father again... he seems less and less capable, which is absolutely normal at 83... I just feel continuously torn between wanting to show my love and provide whatever support I can for him, and my own plans and goals. In any case, I introduced a layover in our country both before and after my Asia trip. I know it's only in two weeks, but I can't just magically detach myself from everything and fly over today!