Aellyce

Hi, everyone

I made a post recently about my wanting to focus on my work/career more for a while, and maybe less on recovery at this point... A bit over one year sober. But I've been thinking about this more deeply afterward. Yes I'm lucky that my alcoholism did not lead to major losses and disasters in my life... especially given how bad it had become by the end -- I was in a fortunate situation that only I knew this. Or mainly. But my personal life, work performance, and virtually everything suffered from my drinking, no delusions about that. I got lucky, and was an expert at hiding the problems.

So when I quit drinking for good, I thought the first thing I would want to repair and turn around would be my work style, performance, and career. What I've found during recovery though is that I never had/regained the level of interest I used to have and was expecting after getting sober. So this led to a long process of what can be considered a classic existential angst... in many ways and from many angles. I'm quite familiar with it, and I know I am prone to it, have had many periods throughout my life, which also contributed heavily to forming my interests, values, views on life, etc. This past year, I also had therapy for this (and other things) that I am still doing and have been finding pretty helpful in specific areas, and I love it in general... but the truth is, it has not resolved the base "problems" (I'm using quote marks for problems as I'm not entirely sure they are pathological or truly need any drastic change...).

So more recently, I tried to make a decision that now I'm reasonably okay with recovery, and it's time to focus on my original goals more than before. But I just find that my heart is not in it, no matter how I try. I still love my work and my research area, and the very flexible and free conditions coming with my job, the place where I live..., just don't have the intense drive and enthusiasm I used to have (in general). And so it's not exactly super easy to perform it at the same level, given that my motivation, as I know it and myself, usually comes from subjective sources and interests. I am well aware that this may or may not be a long-term consequence of active addiction, how it alters brain function... whatever it is, the manifestations affect my thinking, feelings, and everyday life quite a lot.

I would like to ask if others here experienced similar things in recovery. I've been thinking that perhaps I should take a break... a break from "ordinary life" that many here report after getting sober, simply forced by situation, losing jobs, etc... and then focus on entirely different things for a while. I never truly had a chance to do this... and am not sure this is what I really want... just thinking aloud.

Part of my situation is related to my elderly father, 83 yo and all alone living in a different continent. We have been very close in most of my life, and he would really like to have more of me now that his health is declining and he is facing lots of end of life issues. It's hard to manage it from a distance and it gives me a ton of anxiety.

So I've been thinking this last few days (well, also several times before): perhaps I should take a break, a sort of sabbatical if that's possible with my job, or perhaps even take a big daring turn with my life again... I've done it a few times before and am not really afraid, but it's a very hard decision now given that I have a lot of responsibilities here and now, where I am.

Any suggestions?

zjw

life has many twists and turns and there is a time and a season for everything. For me if life is not an adventure i'm getting bored and unhappy. You only live once you only get the opportunity to do certain things at certain times once sometimes etc.. For me a "job" or a "carreer" is something I could easily drop it doesnt define me. What makes it tough I suppose is those doggone responsiblities! but sometmes you just have to jump. Each situation is different.

I've done some rather scary ballsy things and made some crazy drastic changes in my life heck sobering up is one of them. I dont regret any of them. Its the spice of life it really is.

Or do nothing and enjoy the dreams and ideas those can be fun as well.

heartcore

H -

You know that I am a nomad. I have - over and over - left stability for exploration. It is how I grow, and when I am trapped in a daily normal, I am less myself. I'm a rapid changer. This has cost many things - most specifically, I attribute my lack of partner relationship on my nomadism. It has also impacted my relationships with friends. We live in an internationally connected world, so I am doing a better job of building a community without borders. Nonetheless, as I hit my third year of living in a place or doing a certain job, everything gets easier and starts to make more sense. Most people would relax into certainty, but it makes me uncomfortable, and I start questioning my life direction and make sweeping changes (like moving to another continent, or quitting my job to start a brand-new career). I've been very hard on myself about this tendency, but am coming to accept that it is just the story of me.

So, all that being said, when I read your post my immediate reaction is "GO!" There was no hesitation. You are brilliant and dedicated; you will either re-develop your career from that place or in a different place. Taking a break and gaining a new perspective is never time wasted, nor is spending special time with someone you love very much who might not be around for much longer.

You were very happy the last time you visited your father; the only thing that appeared to challenge that happiness was feeling somewhat torn between your experience of being "home" (and moving at a different pace) and your work obligations and identity.

You are like me in that your "small business" is yourself; your brain and capacity are the product you sell. You can do that from anywhere. While there might be a moment in which you wake up two years from now and realize that taking a break cost you minimal income or made re-entry into your profession just a tad challenging, it is more likely that if you do not go, you might wake up two years from now feeling like you missed (forever) a distinct opportunity to really settle into a meaningful shared experience with one of the great loves of your life - your father.

Additionally, we never know where destiny is pulling us, or why. There could be impacts on your professional life that take you further than you expected. You really just never know what is going to happen next...

Aellyce

Thanks, guys.

Heartcore, yeah we seem to be alike through and through. I also always tend to get uneasy around that ~3 year mark -- and I've been here now for 5. I was really hoping, for a good while (maybe making myself to hope!) that I would finally lose that wandering nomadic spirit; I kept hoping it was just a youthful thing and I would grow up finally... well, not sure anymore.

One thing that holds me back at this point are the many responsibilities I've developed in this job (never before!) -- I just don't have the character to break these suddenly. Income and wealth never inspired me much beyond wanting to have a comfortable level that allows me the freedom to explore and not get bogged down in basic needs... I've never been very materialistic, rather minimalistic in this area. So that's not a fear or attachment for me at all. But the responsibilities, especially having many people depend on me, are.

There is also another one that holds me back right now, stemming from my status as a foreigner in the US. I've been on visas so far, and only recently got into looking at the process of obtaining a green card. It would be a simple and straightforward process through my job, but takes time. About a year from now, realistically. And I do want to get this done simply for my own freedom in the future. Visas are a pain in the ***.

So it's a little complex, but not impossible of course.

leviathan

if its not just wanderlust, this kind of angst is usually a sign that we're selling ourselves short somehow. (opinion). in the modern, grown-up world this usually means employment issues.

one thing ive learned through time and experience is that unless you are the charismatic CEO of some personality driven corp., people get along just fine when someone moves on.

although it sounds a little sour on the surface, i have no problem wishing my company loyalty was NEVER a factor in the beginning of my career. if i could go back, i would be fighting for the jobs that allowed me to work within my passions, while making enough bread to be ok.

if you have the ability to choose family-choose family.

zjw

^this?

Life simply goes on. I'm sure whatever you do or dont do you will be where you need to be.

PurpleKnight

Before I quit drinking, my job in my perception seemed to be fast paced, something always going on, no day was the same, my hangovers in the morning simply faded into the activities of the day, and my responsibilities/expertise gave me a certain pride in my work.

I remember replying to one of your other threads Haennie, way back when I first got Sober and I remember saying something like "my work wasn't my life, it simply pays the bills", something along those lines, my perception of work had changed to it's simply something I do each day, life without alcohol didn't create any escape in the evenings, and so work became something that simply consumed most of my time.

My new perception hasn't changed much in all that time since, however I've reached a calm acceptance of the mundane reality of many aspects of life, this for me was an important step in my recovery, because life isn't always exciting and active, sometimes it consists of sitting with a cup of tea, in my own company, in the silence of my house, and in the past I would have numbed all of that away with alcohol, whereas now I have developed a contentment in how life sometimes just is.

I don't think there is a right answer in all of this though, but for me routine/lack of excitement in work, I am fine with, outside of work is where I've done the most work on my life, activities, hobbies, things I want to achieve, work was never my main focus even when I was drinking, but now I am at peace with being in the present, and if it facilitates my new Sober life outside of work, I'm ok with that!!

Now, who knows, ask me in a year, and I may have changed my mind!!

Aellyce

leviathan - thanks for your thoughts. I think I must admit that I have been "selling myself a little too short" throughout my life. Even my primary and secondary school teachers complained about me and described me as an "underachiever". I know it. The reason why I managed to superficially "settle" into this current state is not only because it's become relatively non-challenging (=lazy) considering my preferences and standards... but also because I found a way to be relatively invisible in this position, removed from the frontline, and still have very significant influence either via the projects or via the people working with me. I'm starting to think more and more that this has developed into a somewhat creepy manipulative style... something I've always despised, but am I not doing the same now?

But is is absolutely correct "that unless you are the charismatic CEO of some personality driven corp., people get along just fine when someone moves on". No I'm neither charismatic nor a CEO
I have seen these mechanisms many times, and I know this is how the world works. And I know that realistically, it would most likely take me about a couple months of organizing things, and then I would be free to go. Guess I am afraid of that as well, why I am making up all these arguments about responsibility now...

Earlier in my life, before this job/stage, I always chose career as priority. Not because I was greedy for money or other material goods, or security -- more because my natural interests seemed to lie there. So I kept moving around, often leaving significant relationships behind, and I thought I was the lucky one who is able to not look back.

This past few years have presented changes upon changes for me... sobriety only being one. This is why I have been choosing a few "crazy" avatars recently, I think... well, very consciously Not sure how much these changes in perception, thinking, values, behavior, etc are related to recovery actually. To some degree for sure.

The thing about family... Yes, my dad is an anchor for sure. But so are my friends in the US now. I think that my move to the US from Europe marked a significant personal development for me, and one area of this is my social life. I never felt particularly attached to anyone in Europe before. Now, I do. And it has nothing to do with geography, nationality, countries, politics, etc -- it's just my own development that I don't want, and can't ignore.

Aellyce

Zjw - have you never felt guilt about it? Guilt is one culprit here for me for sure. And I don't even know where it comes from. I've never been guilt tripped by anyone (well, okay... there comes the psychoanalysis, but I won't get into that here), it's all within me.

courage2

Hi haennie --

Work is really important to me because I need the structure and direction that a fairly complex work life provides. Early sobriety was very difficult because I still couldn't find motivation or desire to work very much. I was convinced that my work had no value, certainly not to me.

But I'm rethinking now -- maybe the notion of value isn't all about me and my perceptions.

I would say that before I got sober, while I was sometimes reasonably productive professionally and considered to be very competent, my attitude was disgruntled and resentful. I always thought that I really ought to be doing something else.

Now, with a lot of very slow and often apparently fruitless effort just to focus on where I am instead of all my would haves and could haves, where I am has come to look better. Sustained attention to my actual life -- rather than my imagined life which is so alcoholically tempting to live in -- has led me to take steps to improve things. And my attitude is more patient and appreciative.

Just my experience. Is there really a problem or are you confusing the outsides for the insides?

Aellyce

Courage - thanks, that is comforting

I think I've always had a problem with "confusing the outsides for the insides". Many times, I surprised people with this greatly. Like, I would act with seemingly great confidence (useful when giving public presentations, for example), while internally I felt every single time, it was terrible. I even kept saying people this, that I thought what I did was awful, confusing, etc. Most of the time people got back to me with their "confusion"... how can you think this was/is bad, it was amazing and the clearest perception ever... blah blah. I kind of learned to trust this feedback in the past couple years. My problem is that I always tend to gravitate towards people who do pick up signs and small things in the way I tend to do... and criticize/doubt me.

So in a way, perhaps it's a confusion between outsides/insides. But also my own seeking to find my inside out. If you know what I mean?

courage2

yeah, I think you can find satisfaction by learning to appreciate yourself where you are better than you've done, or by learning to appreciate a different environment. But a different environment alone isn't going to change your dissatisfaction with and denigration of your self.

Believe me, I know this to be true.

Aellyce

So Courage, and others - what do we do about it?

doggonecarl

My sister is a nurse who worked many years with the terminally ill. Like most of the dying they had their regrets and many shared them with my sister. When I was facing a tough decision she told me that most of her patients had made peace with the things they had done.

What they regretted were the things they didn't do.

Go, be with your father.

Sudz No More

I found that my intensity stayed the same but I just became less manic about it and I speak my mind when I'm upset. When I was drinking, my answer to ambivalence and strife was the nearest liquor store. Now I will spout off if necessary but get it done without damaging my standing with people. After I stopped drinking I found a respect level towards me that I never knew existed because I never spoke my mind in those moments. I would bottle the feelings up and then drown them in a bottle.

It's not always about how high we climb but how well we wash the windows not matter what floor we're on. It's with this philosophy that I have quietly gone up while still maintaining things. Just remember that no matter where you go, there you are.

Maybe your father can come here? Having him close to you all the time may bring a focus into your life that brings your motivations where you desire them.

courage2

All I know is that baby steps are all I can take for myself. I allow myself to feel good if I do one or maybe with good luck two things with good attention and care every day. I acknowledge what I don't think I can do well -- what previously I would stress out, procrastinate over, and then fake or lie about or do in a rush & badly -- and ask people for help and thank them for it. I don't try to appear the way I think I should be -- I just let my actual self show up, whatever that is, and I let it participate in every process I'm committed to. When it's not good enough, I apologize and go back and try again, with repairs. I learned to do this over the last 2 years because I was too damaged to fake it anymore. And it's working.

Things appear. Opportunities unpredicted. The right ones become clearer because I talk them each through with others whose opinions I respect. For a while, I never made a move without asking SR!

It helped me also to do steps 4 & 5 with my sponsor in AA, who was really good (and exacting). They helped me realize the malaptive patterns in my thinking and behavior. But I don't know if you're in AA.

I guess it's all about acceptance. Acceptance of what is and what may come. Not making a change because you think you should or you really want to or you're dissatisfied with yourself or others, but because it's the right, natural next step in your way.

What do I know? I'm barely sober. But I know the feeling of inner turmoil and dissatisfaction with self and my place is the language my alcoholism speaks, not the language of my recovery.

Aellyce

Sudz - my dad would never move here. He's the kind of guy who always followed his inspirations -- life or death --, and he created an amazing environment for him to live in. What he also (sometimes erroneously) perceived as the ideal place for all his loved ones and family members. It's like a botanic garden with a small house in it, several green houses with plants, etc. He was on public television and in magazines, also taught university classes without former education about plants, and about life... everyone just let him. He is old living in his dream place now. But I will ask him again.

Courage - unfortunately I never got involved in AA much. Went to a few meetings in eary sobriety. I regret not doing more now. I even had thoughts about getting back into it more recently, but I got discouraged and self-conscious about starting to work the steps after one year... I don't know.

Aellyce

Okay...I hope to hit some folks of my generation with this:

Deckard

I think the answer is in the title to the post. If you truly feel you are on a Wheel (a hamster wheel?) then you owe it to yourself to try to get off the wheel.

Hawks

Hello

Just be sure your motivation is not down to feeling

Restless

Irritable

And

Discontent

That normally precedes eventual relapse.

When life goes flat, we alcoholic folk tend to want to move it on out.

Thinking it will all be better somewhere else.

But of course "Wherever you go, there you are"